Soul Reaper

Chapter one Harkley



I'm dead.




Nothing much to tell you just that I don't exist in the living anymore, the truth is I can't remember who killed me, who my parents are, if I had parents. Nothing; All I can remember is my name. Harkley Lee Jones Jr. I'm standing in a line with people dressed like me in a white t-shirt and slacks waiting to be called to tell where to go. A little girl caught my attention. She was in front of me and looked about five. She gave me a small sad smile,her large blue eyes full of sadness. She spoke her voice soft like the wind.



"How did you die?"



I looked down at her trying to think but nothing came up but a scream of a female. My mother? Sister?



"I can't remember," I said sadly and the girl smiled and spoke.



"You're very lucky. I drowned" and with that she turned around the conversation dropped. I didn't wait long until a voice was heard.



"Next,"

I felt small hands grip my right wrist and lead me to a bridge right in front of me, the little girl looked straight ahead and I did too. As we crossed, a white feline sat near a door I didn't see before when I scanned the area. The white cat had a red crest on his forehead that looked like a cup with bright, large white wings erupting from the sides and seemed to be huggng the red cup. His big yellow eyes looked annoyed as he waited for me and the girl to cross.

"Hurry up I haven't got all day," it snapped.

For some reason, I wasn't surprised at all that this cat could talk. I guess it's normal for spirits like me and any others, I don't think we have the emotion of surprise anymore.



The cat stood up on all fours and faced a massive door about 20 feet high and ten feet wide. It looked impossible but there it was right in front of me clear as day.....or dark which ever suits the mood.



"Go through the door and don't stray. You have been called for judgment," he said flatly as the door opened. I took good look and noticed they were made out of bones so old they looked as if they would break apart if I touched it. We walked through and I could hear the massive door closing slowly behind us.

Finally, nothing but darkness.

The girl stopped walking and I did the same. I can't explain it but it felt like someone was telling us to wait. Then a walk path appeared and we began to walk, the path was faint but we kept going, knowing that someone was waiting for us. Two long podiums that were white as snow stood in front of us about five feet apart, they were carved and had designs of people screaming in pain or happy and excited. They seemed alive and vibrant. Massive books sat on top of theses podiums; On the left was a gold book that seemed to glow, and on the right was a book that was black and gave off purple flames. Then, there was a throne made of bones that sat smack in the middle of the podiums, and what looked like dragon teeth was protruding from the bottom and arms of the seat. On it, sat a man in a cloak. His face unraveling because of the hood, his fingers were that of a skeleton as he gripped a very large Scythe and his left boney hand gripped the arm of his throne. A faint light that was nowhere to be seen gave me and the girl vision. The figure spoke, his voice sounding like someone scrapping a school chalk board, and the ground began to shiver at the sound of his voice



"You, come forth..." he said. His left boney index finger pointed at the girl. The small child let go of my hand and approached the godly underworld figure before her.



"What is your name child," he commanded.



The small girl spoke up, her voice small and full of fear.



"Amber Ashley William, sir."



The figure lifted up his left bony hand, the black flaming book floated to his hand. He placed it on his massive lap as if it weighed only a feather and his hand rose over the book. The pages flapped open and turned rapidly and then finally closed shut. The small girl made a small sigh of relief and then the man moved his Scythe to his left hand. The black book floated to its rightful place on its podium and the Gold book took its place. He raised his Skeleton hand over the Gold book and the pages flapped rapidly finally stopping. His index pointing to the page then he spoke



"Your name is in the book of Order. You may choose your path in Paradise" the figure said



The small girl named Amber eyes lit up and spoke her voice different then before full of love and happiness



"To be with my mother's please!" she said and a bright light filled the room and floated to where the girl stood, a women appeared in a white robe, she looked very young and smiled at her daughter. They looked the same but her mother was an older version of her. Amber ran to her mother's arms and cried, the mother then turned to the sinister figure and bowed and was then engulfed in the light once more then in a flash brilliant burst of colors gone a beautiful Chorus sang and then slowly died down finally gone as well.



Now it was my turn.



The figure pointed to me and I stepped forward he asked me my name and I told him; he did the same process with the black book. I sighed in relief and looked anxiously at the Gold one that was placed on his lap. The pages turned and seemed to drag on forever and then the book closed. My heart sank; I didn't look up at the figure too afraid of what was to happen next.



"You are neither in the book of Order nor in the book of Codex boy," he said flatly. I looked up at the faceless figure with fear now



"Who killed you?" He asked



I said nothing and he slammed the butt of his scythe on the ground, it seemed to make the whole world shake and he answered again louder, his ear splitting voice making me cower in complete fear.



"Who killed you?"



I looked up shaking; hugging myself and finally I spoke my voice cracking full of fear



"I can't remember..."



The figure stood up so fast I couldn't believe it, he seemed to float to me and his boney hands pressed against my forehead, my eyes widened and I screamed. Pain erupted from my whole body as images were forced out my head from birth all the way till my death. Which was blank. The figure let go and let me drop to my feet and he didn't face me as I curled up in a ball weeping



"Nightshade..." the figure spoke and a black cat appeared at of the shadows.



"Yes grim?" he asked with a hint of a British accent



"Harkley is not supposed to be here...Why is the child here? Why is he dead?" Grim asked



The feline looked at Harkley in complete amazement



"What?" the cat spat his green eyes glowing in the dim lit room "He's not supposed to be dead this early....."



Grim nodded and sat back on his throne, his right finger moving up and down then finally the cat spoke now looking through the Gold book.



"Someone has broken the Code," Nightshade said



"I know that, but who would dare break the code of the undead?" grim asked



"I'm not sure? I can think of anybody who would do something so stupid unless it's the water-bound spirits?" Nightshade said



The grim shook his head slowly "No, he has no traces of their presence...someone planed this...someone we don't know"



Nightshade jumped off the podium and sniffed me, tears still in my eyes I sat up confused "I'm not supposed to be dead? Where am I supposed to go?" I asked Nightshade sniffed me again and hissed



"Someone has taken his body...I can't trace it" Nightshade hissed in anger



"No..." Grim said with another thump of his Scythe "we have no other choice then,"



Nightshade looked up and said "you can't"



"We have no other choice Nightshade...Someone has broken the code and we need to find who and why" Grim said matter of factly. "But," I said as tears kept sliding down my face "Where am I supposed to go?" Nightshade purred "here of course, you silly human boy. In your new body"



"My new what?" I asked confused, and then that's when I felt it, a tight jolt to my head and a voice whispered to me softly



"You must now sleep. Your vessel waits" my eye lids became heavy as I was laid to the ground slowly. I looked up to see a teen looking down at me; he had on a black hoodie with a skull in front of his shirt. Black jeans and silver chain hanging down. His hair was jet black and fell down his face; he had a long ghoulish face, his eyes were so black that it looked like a mini abyss. His skin was so pale it made the podium look like neon lights. But what really made me curious before I went into a deep slumber was the Scythe that rested on his back and gave off a sinister red glow.



"Seth, your timing is always so perfect" came Nightshades voice with a satisfied purr



Then Complete darkness.

I love it! I can't wait to read more!
I really like the description you put in it. The story seemed to bring me out of reality and into it.
Please write more soon!

-CookEmonster

P.S. I'll leave the criticism to someone else because truthfully, I found nothing wrong with it.

That was really good! The only issues were in some places commas were needed and occasionally you forgot punctuation. Also, when a another character speaks, you start a new paragraph. There was a spot where you forgot about this, but don't fret. There were also a few grammar errors but if you look over it you'll catch them immediately. If Grim is the cat's name, you should probably capitalize it every time you use it, occasionally you forgot, but that is normal to forget. I do all the time. If you take another look over your story, you should catch those errors immediately. And if you don't see them, try reading your story out loud to yourself; that usually works for me.

When Nightshade and Grim were speaking, could you maybe describe their actions, their expressions, and the terror that Harkley is feeling? I would be scared out of my pants and my nonexistent heart would be beating terribly fast and I would be sweating bullets that I probably can't sweat since I'm dead. The descriptions you already have are nice, so why not add some more to spice up the story? You can almost never have too many descriptions...

The place Harkley was seemed real, like it actually exists somewhere. It is a good start and I am curious to see what happens to Harkley and who killed him; your story leaves a lot of suspense and I didn't want to stop reading. I also like that name, Harkley. Keep writing!

Hello there and welcome to YWS!

"I can't remember," I said sadly and the girl smiled and spoke.

Firstly, in dialogue you should not follow a character's speech with words like 'sadly', it should be visible in the spoken words. Another thing, the part after 'I said' really shouldn't be there. So as a correction, this should be,

"I can't remember," I said.

The girl smiled and spoke.(I would really go with 'said', instead of spoke. You could follow the girl's words after this.)

Here are a few tips I found on the net. These are for dialogue and for sentencing.

I mostly had a problem with your sentencing and your dialogue when I read the story. Your punctuation skills still need some work. Sometimes you used too many commas and at times you did not punctuate at all. Another thing you need to work on is grammar. We're all not perfect when it comes to that but with more practice you will improve. Proofreading your work is very important. There were some words left out in this as a whole and it was very distracting. I'm sure you'll get to that when you edit this. One last problem I had was your characterisation. You failed a little at describing your characters in a way that I too could envision them.I couldn't tell what your MC looked like or anything. Then there was the setting. The surroundings, the atmosphere; things like that, you need to explain. I kind of got a little grasp of the setting, but what I really want is to see everything; just like you see it in your head when you write this.

All in all, I'd have to say what I valued the most in this story is your plot. It sounds very interesting, intriguing, creative, or what have you; and I like it.
I hope I could help a little

Keep writing and good luck with the rest

Great begining. Love the story line. The whole thing of being dead yet not suppose to be. I got a bit lost with the whole golden book and code of the undead. Where did the book come from and what is the code? I was just curious where you got the idea of cats helping run the underworld?
I can't wait to read the next bit

Awesome beginning. I love it. Can't wait to read the second chapter. Keep writing

I love your plot. It's epic. I can't wait for your next update. I'm hooked!
The only advise would be to develop your characters personalities a little more. Grammar will work itself out with practice.
But keep it up! I'll be waiting for the next chapter.

I really love where you're going with this! I was immediately drawn in.
The plot is intriguing, especially the mystery surrounding Harkley's death. I would like to learn more about the characters and their personalities. Harkley seems like an interesting character, but I'm not sure what he looks like or what his personality is like. Other than that, all the characters felt real, even the speaking cats!
I was a bit confused in the middle, where the point of view switched from first to third. I'm not sure if this was intentional, but it made me do a double take, because I had thought that the story was told by Harkley.

SoulReaper wrote:The feline looked at Harkley in complete amazement

I can't wait to read the next part.