Prologue for Untitled Novel

Hello all! My first post here! It makes me happy. I've been planning out this novel for about.... four months, but I still have some kinks to work out. So for now, viola! Prologue that's been re-worked about five times as the plot changes! and probably still needs to be worked on!

The full moon shone over the Toslym, turning the waters of the Eolo river silver. A young woman stood at the shore, a hand over her swollen belly. She shed the silver cloak she wore, and strode into the river until the water covered her head. She floated, her hair swirling around her, the lazy current carrying her down stream slowly. She bent, her stomach not yet large enough to cause her trouble, and let her fingers slide against the muddy bottom until she felt them tangle in plants growing at the bottom. She clutched at them and opened her mouth.
"Ilto, mre tsevuk," she said, her words becoming garbled the moment she spoke them. Still it worked. A blue light flashed, surprising her. She lost her grip on the plants the same moment a heavy thing smashed into her. She cried out in pain and felt a hand grab her wrist, pulling her upward. Her chest felt as though it were about to burst when they reached the surface. The thing- a person, she saw- slumped in the water beside her, beginning to sink again. She grabbed it around the waist, swimming hard to the shore. She pulled herself and the person across the sand, panting hard. She stopped and rolled onto her back, looking up at the stars, trying to catch her breath. After a few moments she lifted herself up onto her elbows, and looked at the form beside her. She muttered a few words, a small orb of light appeared beside her, and floated over to it.
The figure had the form of a man, and like her, unclothed. His skin was blue tinged, with black lines swirling all over his legs and arms, sprouting from the chest and disappearing to the front of him. He was not muscular, nor was he thin or fat or anything else. He just was. She crawled over to him and rolled him over. His face was sharp and pointy, and his limbs were long, with fingers and toes ending in cruel black claws. The lines traced all over his body, both coming to an end at his lips. She closed her eyes, and beginning to repeat the ancient words she had memorized from the book she had stolen from the master that trusted her.
"Miyaz ekedu vet Ilto." She felt warmth spread through her fingertips, transferring from her to him. She had cast so many spells in her life time, that usually she couldn't even feel her life pouring out of her as she used it- something that happened every time someone used magic. But this was different. This was something that hadn't been attempted in hundreds of years. She had felt her life pouring out of her faster than it had ever had as she had called the creature from its home through the river, and now she felt it again as she forced it to wake and do her bidding. The mantra continued, faster and faster. "Miyaz ekedu vet Ilto. Miyaz ekede vet Ilto," over and over. Her heart pounded in her chest, and her breath came faster. When she knew she had reached her limit, when she felt the last of her life beginning to leave her, the creature opened its eyes, to reveal them crimson. She felt her strength returning to her, but with something new and... cold. She shivered, a smile spreading across her face.
"Yvu? Akanare...vet jutek?" The creature questioned.
"Yve. Yvu Jutek vet gruk yve jutek." She replied. The creature raised an eyebrow, skeptical.
"Vet? Hujer vet prizut?"
"Jytik prizut," she said, placing her hand on her belly. He brought his hand up to her stomach, and moved her hand away, pressing his own against it. She felt something stirring in her stomach, then the creature moved his hand away. The creature grinned and bowed its head.
"An interesting job, for a good many prizes," it rasped, adopting the common tongue. He reached out and grabbed her wrist.. It took its claw and slashed first hers, then his, then pressed them together. The coldness she had felt became stronger, more prominent. She felt numb, her goal becoming more focused in clear in her mind. When he released her hand, they looked at each other and nodded. The creature dissolved into mist before her, disappearing until she called on him once more. She stood shakily, and walked up the bank until she found her cloak, and slid it over her shoulders. The girl walked for miles, the grin never leaving her face. Her plan had been put into action.

Hi, I’m Sky and I’m going to be reviewing your work today. I've put my corrections in a spoiler so it wouldn't be a huge page of corrections.

Spoiler

The full moon shone over the Toslym, turning the waters of the Eolo River silver. A young woman stood at the shore, a hand over her swollen belly. She shed the silver cloak she wore, and strode into the river until the water covered her head. She floated, her hair swirling around her, the lazy current carrying her downstream slowly. She bent, her stomach not yet large enough to cause her trouble, and let her fingers slide against the muddy bottom until she felt them tangle in plants growing at the bottom. She clutched at them and opened her mouth.

"Ilto, mre tsevuk," she said, her words becoming garbled the moment she spoke them. Still, it worked. A blue light flashed, surprising her. She lost her grip on the plants the same moment a heavy thing smashed into her. She cried out in pain and felt a hand grab her wrist, pulling her upward. Her chest felt as though it were about to burst when they reached the surface. The thing—a person, she saw—slumped in the water beside her, beginning to sink again. She grabbed it around the waist, swimming hard to the shore. Pulling herself and the person across the sand, she panting hard. She stopped and rolled onto her back, looking up at the stars, trying to catch her breath. After a few moments she lifted herself up onto her elbows, and looked at the form beside her. She muttered a few words, a small orb of light appeared beside her, and floated over to it.

The figure had the form of a man, and like her, unclothed. His skin was blue tinged, with black lines swirling all over his legs and arms, sprouting from the chest and disappearing to the front of him. He was not muscular, but nor was he thin or fat or anything else. This part is unnecessary. He just was. As is this part. She crawled over to him and rolled him over. His face was sharp and pointed, What do you mean by this? Do you mean that he has a really angular face or sharp cheekbones? and his limbs were long, with fingers and toes ending in cruel, black claws. The lines traced all over his body, both coming to an end at his lips. She closed her eyes, and beginning to repeat the ancient words she had memorized from the book she had stolen from the master that trusted her. Began to recite the words from her stolen book. There is too much information here in this sentence and it would sound better if you just left it with a little mystery.

"Miyaz ekedu vet Ilto."

She felt warmth spread through her fingertips, transferring from her to the strange man. She had cast so many spells in her lifetime that usually she couldn't even feel her life pouring out of her as she used it—something that happened every time someone used magic. But this was different. This was something that hadn't been attempted in hundreds of years. She had felt her life pouring out of her faster than it had ever had as she had called the creature from its home through the river, and now she felt it again as she forced it to wake and do her bidding. The mantra continued, faster and faster. "Miyaz ekedu vet Ilto. Miyaz ekede vet Ilto," over and over. Her heart pounded in her chest, and her breath came faster. When she knew she had reached her limit, when she felt the last of her life beginning to leave her, the creature opened its crimson eyes, to reveal them. She felt her strength returning to her, but with something new and... cold. She shivered, a smile spreading across her face.

"Yvu? Akanare...vet jutek?" The creature questioned.

"Yve. Yvu Jutek vet gruk yve jutek." She replied. The creature raised an eyebrow, skeptical.

"Vet? Hujer vet prizut?"

"Jytik prizut," she said, placing her hand on her belly. He brought his hand up to her stomach, and moved her hand away, pressing his own against it. She felt something stirring in her belly Try not to repeat the same word so soon after you’ve used it then the creature moved his hand away. The creature grinned and bowed its head.

"An interesting job, for a good many prizes," it rasped, adopting the common tongue.

He reached out and grabbed her wrist. It took its claw and slashed first hers, then his, then pressed them together. The coldness she had felt became stronger, more prominent. She felt numb, her goal becoming more focused in clear in her mind. When he released her hand, they looked at each other and nodded. The creature dissolved into mist before her, disappearing until she called on him once more. She stood shakily, and walked up the bank until she found her cloak, and slid it over her shoulders. The girl walked for miles, the grin never leaving her face. Her plan had been put into action.

Okay first off let me say that this is a good prologue. It gives the reader enough mystery to wonder what is going on and why this girl is calling whatever. For me, it drew me in. My only complaints are that it’s a little bit slow to read and a bit stilted. Also, instead of just saying something, try to show, not tell. For example, instead of John is scared of the barn, say something like as john walked past the barn and shuttered with revulsion. The second part makes the reader really want to know why he hates the barn. Besides the other things that I point out in the story, I liked it. Remember that these are suggestions so if I misunderstood something or it’s supposed to be that way, I’m sorry and feel free to ignore me.

All in all, keep up the good work.

~Sky

Hello, and, first of all, Welcome! * shakes hands * I'm Amelia, otherwise know as Am or Alia.

Allow me to begin my saying how much I enjoyed this piece. You storytelling abilities are excellent. I got hooked immediately. Your prose flows so well, and is very realistic.

I found your prologue senual and perhaps erotic. I instantly bonded with your main character, and felt connected to her and her story in some way. It's not easy to make fantasy realistic, emotive, and relateable. You've achived those three things in your prologue very well!

I'm not going to follow wih a nitpick, since Sky has done such a good job with hers. I didn't catch any other mistakes. Well, sorry this review is a little bit rubbish; I just wanted to say how great it was!

Have a good day
Amelia

I found your work to be fairly interesting, It was engaging and mysterious leaving plenty for the reader to imagine by not over emphasis on descriptions which I enjoy. The sentence structure was great was a lot of variety and the use of shorter sentences kept the text punchy adding some tension where required. As a prologue the text serves its purpose in general in regards to introducing characters and ending on a cliff hangar.

The "Language" appears to be well realized after reading the short interaction with enough common values and variety to seem authentic. The magic system itself compromising life force is refreshing as well.

However some areas that could be improved on include making it flow better in areas, the phrase "she bent" in context of the situation seems out of place and does not compliment the scene well, for me it was disruptive when reading. The comma use in second glance is kind of excessive but does not impact the reading experience for me personally, just some food for thought.

Overall it was an interesting prologue that shows promise, The main tip I can give is to refine your writing style by additional reading and rewriting. Hopefully you can check out some of my idea when I decide to post, good luck bud.