Reclamation Chapter #1

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Just Another Day In Paradise...
A strong force slammed me against the wall making me yelp in pain. As the attacker’s arm came across my throat, his other hand worked furiously on undoing my belt. Unable to move, I spat in his face causing the hand at my waist to come across my face hard. Bastard...
“Hey!!” A shout from the distance pulled our attention out of our battle and to the approaching man. At the distraction, I shoved against his chest causing him to lose his balance before kicking him between his legs. As the man keeled over in pain, I swiftly moved out of the way as he lunged at me again. The approaching man reached us and pulled the attacker away from me. The thug turned on him and soon they were in a fight of their own.
My attacker hit him directly in the face before sending a punch to his opponent’s gut. As my instincts kicked in, I fled. I had just gotten around the corner when I felt something that I’d only felt for two people in my entire life: Protective. Clenching my fists and groaning in frustration, I turned on my heel. No one except Fermina had ever come to my rescue before.
As I dived back around the corner, I muttered to myself angrily. Of all the people I could have developed concern for I go for the idiot.
It was common sense! If you saw someone being attacked you walked past: it was their own fault if they couldn’t handle themselves. I was perfectly fine, I didn't need any help, and I was about to enter a more dangerous situation saving 'Mr.Hero'. Muttering angrily to myself, I walked back around to see my ‘rescuer’ on the floor while the thug pulled out a knife. Plummeting at him, I knocked the knife out of his hand before kicking it away in the direction of the dumpsters and abandoned carbon boxes. Reaching in my inside coat pocket, I quickly grabbed my pen knife and held it ready. Realising I now had the advantage, he bolted towards the exit of the alley. As I watched him run, I pocketing the weapon and backed away before turning around and going back the way I came. It wasn’t until I was about to turn the corner that I heard a moan from the man crumpled on the floor.
Sighing, I reluctantly walked back and knelt down beside him. “Are you OK, mate?”
Slowly lifting up his torso off the ground, he dabbed at his lip. When he continued to remain silent I tilted my head to see him better. “You’re new around here aren’t you?”
As he glanced up at me, he seemed to quickly check me over before pulling himself up unsteadily. “What gave it away?”
A smirk pulled across my face. “The fact that you’re not wearing all black, that you are exposing a pouch which contains...” I pursed my lips as I analysed the amount of money that it contained. “Sixty Seven pounds... But do you know what really gave it away?” The smirk became a little more pronounced at the man’s surprised expression. “The fact you tried to help.” I stood back up and grabbed the guy’s arm to help haul him up. His face was swollen and he winced in pain at the sudden movement I forced him to make. His eyes drooped and I noticed how he had to make an effort to keep them open.
Looking at me thoughtfully, his voice was weak. “What’s your name?”
“Yeah- that’s another give away.” I rolled my eyes. As I started to walk him towards the entrance he had come from, I kept up the conversation to keep him conscious. “Where’ve you come from, mate?”
He laughed weakly. “I got a ride.”
I laughed myself. “Yep, definitely not from around here...” As we came onto the main road, I once again felt my mood darken with the misery of the buildings. Each one was deserted: people to scared to live in such open, vulnerable brickwork. The street was cracked and abused and the yellow lines were faded and neglected. Complete silence could be heard apart from the ragged breathing of the man I supported causing goosebumps along my skin.
Further down the road a worn car lay parked on the pavement. I blinked in disbelief and looked at the slumped man with new eyes. “You must be pretty well off to have a car.” He laughed ruefully causing a little bit of blood to dribble down his chin. Glancing back at the car, I saw a man slumped back in the front seat with a tattered paper. Holding the weight of the man in one of my arms, I stuck my fingers in my mouth and whistled loudly. The driver’s head snapped up and he quickly put down his paper. When he continued to gawk at me in shock, I groaned. “Come on mate!”
The driver suddenly seemed to organise himself and was soon driving at a slow pace towards us. He stopped the car and I opened the back door before dumping the man in the back. My eyes darting about as the occasional scuffle of feet and grunt could be heard from the different alleyway along the main road. A loud gunshot echoed in the distance and I flinched. I had to get away and quickly, there was sure to be a retaliation...
The man, who was so injured he was unaware of the danger, smiled gratefully. “You still haven’t told me your name.”
I glared at the driver who was waiting patiently in the front seat of the car, making no apparant plans to move. Was he insane? Looking back at the man I saw an expectant look on his face. realising that the driver wasn't leaving until the man in the back was satisfied. I reluctantly spoke. “Ailia.”
“It’s nice to meet you Ailia.” he whispered. “Do you have a second name?”
I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous situation. “Clark. My name’s Ailia Clark.”

OK guys, I know it's short but the rest are going to be longer. This just gives you the chance to be introduced to the environment the rest will be here shortly- I promise!
Happy Reading! x
Last edited by Tomboy044 on Mon Jul 18, 2011 12:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Never give up on your dreams. Dreams make us passionate and life without passion is pointless. x




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Great beginning, I like how you introduced the reader with the fight, and I also love Ailia's personality. I don't really have any complainment or suggestion about this. Waiting for the next chapter :D Good Luck!




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Nitpicks
A shout from the distance pulled mine and the attacker’s attention out of our battle and to the approaching man.

The bold part sounds awkward. Maybe re-write it as "my attention and the attacker's".

It was common sense! If you saw someone being attacked you walked past: it was their own fault if they couldn’t handle themselves.

Add something like "Now he just made an even bigger mess." or something, because at first I thought she was made at herself for helping this guy, when he just helped her, which made her seem hypocritical. But I think you mean that she's mad at him for helping her in the first place.

As I started to walk him towards the entrance he had come from, I kept up the conversation to keep him conscious.

To keep him conscious? What kind of injury did this guy get? I need details! :p

As we came onto the main road, I once again felt my mood darken with the desertedness and misery of the buildings.

I'm not sure desertedness is a word, my spell-check has it underlined. ... Didn't catch the first time she felt her mood darken.

Overall
This was good, but didn't immediately grab me or make me need to read more. The setting seems interesting and I wonder where and when exactly it is. While the chapter's not bad by any means it lacks, for me, the special something to make it awesome. Ailia seemed like a interesting character, though a bit annoying with all her sighs and eye-rolls and "hey mate". I liked the guy as well. Consider adding in a hint to what the main plot of this book will be in this chapter to really get readers engaged. Maybe she sees something out of the corner of eye, or remembers a time when the streets weren't like this; mystery will make anyone be invested with your story. Good luck, and good start!
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Okay first off let me say that this is a good story so far. I really like it. So because of it, I am going to give you a review. Forgive me if I misread what I did and you can completely ignore my suggestions. Really it's up to you. I am going to put the corrections in a spoiler so it's not a long super long reply. Also, if you're British or otherwise foreign, I apologize in advance for my American spelling. :D


Spoiler
A strong force slammed me against the wall making me yelp in pain. As the attacker’s arm came across my throat, his other hand worked furiously on undoing my belt. Unable to move, I spat in his face causing the hand at my waist to come across my face hard. Bastard... The opening seems a little awkward and abrupt. I can see that you were trying to get the reader hooked, but this seems like, too abrupt, if you get what I mean.

“Hey!!”

A shout from the distance pulled our attention out of our battle and to the approaching man. At the distraction, I shoved against his chest causing him to lose his balance before kicking him between his legs. As the man keeled over in pain, I swiftly moved out of the way as he lunged at me again. Perhaps here, you could say that he coughed, while he lunged at me. It just seems like if he’s in pain, his thoughts wouldn’t be to grab someone. The approaching man reached us and pulled the attacker away from me. The thug turned on him and soon they were in a fight of their own.

My attacker hit him directly in the face before sending a punch to his opponent’s gut. As my instincts kicked in, I fled. I had just gotten around the corner when I felt something that I’d only felt for two people in my entire life: Protective. Clenching my fists and groaning in frustration, I turned on my heel. No one except Fermina had ever come to my rescue before.

As I dived back around the corner, I muttered to myself angrily. Of all the people I could have developed concern for, I go for the idiot.

It was common sense! If you saw someone being attacked, you walked past! It was their own fault if they couldn’t handle themselves. I was perfectly fine, I didn't need any help, and I was about to enter a more dangerous situation saving 'Mr.Hero'. Muttering angrily to myself, I walked back around to see my ‘rescuer’ on the floor while the thug pulled out a knife. Plummeting Plummeting here implies that you are falling, I think you meant like throwing, or launching her at him, I knocked the knife out of his hand before kicking it away in the direction of the dumpsters and abandoned carbon boxes. Reaching in my inside coat pocket, I quickly grabbed my pen knife and held it ready. Realising I now had the advantage, he bolted towards the exit of the alley. As I watched him run, I pocketed the weapon and backed away before turning around and going back the way I came. It wasn’t until I was about to turn the corner that I heard a moan from the man crumpled on the floor. If you were already around the corner, you wouldn’t be able to hear the guy’s groan.

Sighing, I reluctantly walked back and knelt down beside him. “Are you OK, mate?” Slowly lifting up his torso was off the ground, he dabbed at his lip. When he continued to remain silent, I tilted my head to see him better. “You’re new around here aren’t you?”

As he glanced up at me, he seemed to quickly check me over before pulling himself up unsteadily. “What gave it away?”

A smirk stretched across my face. “The fact that you’re not wearing all black, that you are exposing a pouch which contains...” I pursed my lips as I analysed the amount of money that it contained. “Sixty Seven pounds... But do you know what really gave it away?” The smirk became a little more pronounced at the man’s surprised expression. “The fact you tried to help.”

I stood back up and grabbed the guy’s arm to help haul him up. His face was swollen and he winced in pain at the sudden movement I forced him to make. His eyes drooped and I noticed how he had to make an effort to keep them open.

Looking at me thoughtfully, his voice was weak. This sentence here is a little awkward. “What’s your name?”

“Yeah—that’s another give away.” I rolled my eyes. As I started to walk him towards the entrance he had come from, I kept up the conversation to keep him conscious. “Where’ve you come from, mate?”

He laughed weakly. “I got a ride.”

I laughed myself. “Yep, definitely not from around here...”

As we came onto the main road, I once again felt my mood darken by the misery of the buildings. Each one was deserted: people too scared to live in such open, vulnerable brickwork. The street was cracked and abused, the yellow lines faded and neglected. I think that it flows better this way. Complete silence could be heard apart from the ragged breathing of the man I supported, causing goose bumps along my skin.

Further down the road a worn car lay parked on the pavement. I blinked in disbelief and looked at the slumped man with new eyes. “You must be pretty well off to have a car.”

He laughed ruefully causing a little bit of blood to dribble down his chin. Glancing back at the car, I saw a man slumped back in the front seat with a tattered paper in hand. Holding the weight of the man in one of my arms, I stuck my fingers in my mouth and whistled loudly. The driver’s head snapped up and he quickly put down his paper. When he continued to gawk at me in shock, I groaned.

“Come on, mate!”

The driver suddenly seemed to organise himself and was soon driving at a slow pace towards us. He stopped the car and I opened the back door before dumping the man in the back. My eyes darting about as the occasional scuffle of feet and grunt could be heard from the different alleyway along the main road. A loud gunshot echoed in the distance and I flinched. I had to get away and quickly, or there was sure to be retaliation...

The man, who was so injured he was unaware of the danger, smiled gratefully. “You still haven’t told me your name.”

I glared at the driver who was waiting patiently in the front seat of the car, making no apparent plans to move. Was he insane? Looking back at the man I saw an expectant look on his face. I quickly realised that the driver wasn't leaving until the man in the back was satisfied.

I reluctantly spoke. “Ailia.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Ailia.” he whispered. “Do you have a second name?”

I rolled my eyes at the ridiculous situation. “Clark. My name’s Ailia Clark.”


Alright here are some things that I noticed that you do a lot in your writing. You tend to use as I.. or as he whenever you start a sentence. It tends to get a little repetitive and boring after a while and might turn off the reader. Maybe change that to other synonyms? Also, try to have some show and not some tell. For instance this line, “I reluctantly spoke.” Could be like “feeling reluctant to speak, I grudgingly forced out,” I know that I had a lot of nitpicks, but I don’t want to discourage you from writing! I just want to help you improve a fantastic story!! Can’t wait to read more!

~Sky
When people ask me, why are you so weird, I never know what to say. Then I think, why should I be like this when I can be like ttthhhiiiisss?



A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde