Red Droplets Of Love

Spoiler

OK, so this is supposed to be about someone who is irevocably in love but whose feelings are unrequited. She wishes she could hate him, but for all her being she can't, nor can she shake her true feelings. She soon grows depressed and turns to suicide. This isn't quite my usual style, but I thought I'd give it a shot. A little bet sketchy, maybe? Hard to follow? Feedback please!

Soft as moonlight,
Each breath a caress,
Sweet whispered words
I'd rather forget.

Eyes blue as day,
A trap, deception,
Heartbreaking smile,
Deadly affection.

White feathers fall
Like tears from the sky,
Flutter and land -
If only you'd lied.

Midnight, awake,
I toss and turn,
No excuse left,
My eyes start to burn.

Too much to bare,
This burden of mine,
To Love? To Hate?
So blurred are the lines.

Oh, I hate you!
For what you have done,
This love of mine,
Shines bright as the sun.

What do I do?
This love is just pain,
Ponder my life -
No reason to stay.

Bite back the tears,
I swallow the pain,
Reach for the knife,
The end of the game.

Blade poised, ready,
Teeth clenched, the hilt gripped,
Pressure, then blood,
My consciousness slips.

Life slides away,
Light shines from above,
Soon I lay dead
In red droplets of love.

Hmm. I personally prefer your poem Sweet and Unspoken. While the imagery is still very good, I think it lacks the simplicity and almost minimalist feel that Sweet and Unspoken had. I also find that one or two paragraphs don't really seem to go together and the structure I think suffers from it. Either way, good work. I hope to see more of your poetry.

Hi-ya! First off- you write beautifully!! This is so your style! It is easy to follow and flows nicely because of the rhyming. This is one of a few poems that have stayed true to the emotion and while if the piece while going with rhymes. It never felt forced, didn't drag at all. And you brought it together so precisely and elegantly that I fell in love with it! I truly believe you can write within any style you choose because they wall will bend for you! Even though it does end in death, you very sweetly illustrated the scene for your readers. I love the last stanza because you've incorporated the title In it. Keep writing!

This poem is beautiful, in a sad way of course. You could never tell it wasn't your usual style because the poem flowed so nicely. You should write more like this. I'd deffintely read them. Let the emo side shine! <3

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but it's clear that this is the first time you've written this sort of thing. It's not a bad poem, by any means, actually it's quite good, it just doesn't fit the usual profile of a depressive love poem. I don't think there's enough build up to the last line - it all happens too fast and the reader doesn't get a chance to feel the character's pain and desolation before the final part. Also, it's a little to structured. Bear with me while I explain: you're going to imagine the narrator is caught in a turbulent state of emotions. They feel alone, sad, rejected, etc. and to reflect this confused state, you can vary up your lines a little bit. Using some artistic license is a great idea and in general the poem has the makings of a great piece of work.
I'd just suggest you revisit it and make some minor adjustments. Aside from that, it's honestly quite good.

Hey! :)
Alright, so I really love this poem. You've managed to capture imagery and emotion beautifully into this. I love the way how the narrator couldn't decide whether to love or hate this person. I've definitely experienced that feeling, so this hit home. I honestly couldn't tell that you don't normally write this style; your transition into her committing suicide was gorgeous (you know, in an awful kind of way). My absolute favorite stanza was:

Too much to bare,
This burden of mine,
To Love? To Hate?
So blurred are the lines.

This had a lot of emotion in it and I could definitely see the dilemma she was in.

Overall, this was a superb poem! You should really try writing these types more often! I'll be on the lookout for them!

Rachael :D