The Ghost I Hear

The Ghost I Hear

Thus one fine evening,
As I lay snuggled in bed,
A loud noise came toward me,
And I shivered in my dread.

For was it a ghost?
I pondered at night,
That such a noise could give me a fright,
At last I drew an definite conclusion.
It was a ghost. It was like an illusion!

I dare not open my eyes,
For who will know what to see!
Maybe that ghost is dressed up all right,
Or just covered tidily and neat.

Maybe he was a friendly ghost,
The one who would comfort you soundly,
Or maybe he was an angry ghost,
Who would look at you dumbfoundly.

Unless i pick up the courage to-,
Open My eyes and look about,
I would NEVER find out.

Curiosity bubbling in my chest ,
And a anxiousness to see,
What was really near my Bed,
So I vowed myself to peep about,
And be brave about it instead.

Peering about my clean tidy Bed,
I see Nothing but Dust.

When I Suddenly realized,
What I did actually hear!
It my dad snoring,
From drinking to much beer!


From Agent Chameleon.

P.S That was my first EVER official poem!
I'm sooo proud of myself!!!

it wasnt bad...
i think that you relied a little to much on rhyming. but for your first poem, it was pretty good.
the conceot if your poem was interesting but kinda strange at the same time.
just a word of advice, i would try to vere away from using exclaimation points in poetry. it just comes across as a little childish or unexpirenced. obviously here it would be okay because youre still learning. but just consider that for future reference.

also, make sure your proofread your work to make sure you didnt miss any punctuation marks or misc. words.

keep practicing and writing more and more. i garuntee you, youre off to a good start. you have the nack of it you just need to improve a little bit and focus on some more...mature topics(?) or insightful topics.

I overall thought this was about a 6 out of 10. which is not at all bad for being your first.

dont be discouraged. all is well. they were just suggestions.

-Lexi

P.S.
comment on my wall or PM me with any questions or comments.

You did rely on rhyming a lot, and as a result, some of it was forced.
Some light advice; if by the third stanza you can't come up with a convincing rhyme, change your poem to write it without a rhyme scheme. It could work better than the original planned one.
However, I have some reservations as to that with this poem - this was meant to be sort of light and playful, not a deep and melodramatic piece of melancholy. So, in general, it wasn't too bad, and I feel like you could do a good job in the future. Keep heart, and keep writing.

This is awesome! It is so good, just needs a little fixing.

The Ghost I Hear

Thus one fine evening,
As I lay snuggled in bed,
A loud noise came toward me,
And I shivered in my dread.

For was it a ghost?
I pondered at night,
That such a noise could give me a fright,

At last I drew an definite conclusion.
Instead of (an), I think it should be (a).

It was a ghost. It was like an illusion!

I dare not open my eyes,
For who will know what to see!

Maybe that ghost is dressed up all right,
Or just covered tidily and neat.

Maybe he was a friendly ghost,
The one who would comfort you soundly,
Or maybe he was an angry ghost,
Who would look at you dumbfoundly.

Unless i pick up the courage to-,
Open My eyes and look about,
I would NEVER find out.

Curiosity bubbling in my chest ,
And a anxiousness to see,
What was really near my Bed,
So I vowed myself to peep about,
And be brave about it instead.

Peering about my clean tidy Bed,
I see Nothing but Dust.

When I Suddenly realized,
What I did actually hear!

It my dad snoring,
I think there's (was) missing between "It" and "my".

From drinking to much beer! [/color]

Small mistakes don't usually affect what good poems make you feel, but a poem without mistakes is even better.

Keep up the good work! Love it!

I agree with the things said above but I dont think any one mentioned something that I noticed when I read through it

And a anxiousness to see

This 'a' should be 'an'

I think pretty much everything else has been said already but well done on your first poem I can tell you now that mine would be much worse (which is why I don't write poetry much at all )

Congrats on your first poem. It was good, but like others said before you did rely on rhyming a lot. But that's not too bad. But if you can't get it to work change it up and don't make it rhyme because sometimes it ends up better.
I thought it was a light, playful, childish poem that was good for a first, and would lead you well into writing more deep, dark poems. Personally, I like the dark, more un-innocent poems because they seem to draw readers in more and keep them more..interested in the poem. And it is a good way to get something out. Just remember the dark poems seem to be more interesting.
Your story was a little odd. It seemed to be a little sketchy in some areas but I still liked it. It was an innocent poem.
Keep writing because you'll do well!
Pm me or message me.. or write on my wall for any questions or anything!
--Hayley

Hm, so this wasn't too bad! It was pretty good actually, maybe even great! I do though agree with what others have said - you rely too much on your rhymes and it makes some lines run away to far, some get awkward. Know that rhyming poems can be great, and personally those are the ones I favor the most, but sometimes, when you try too hard it just ruins the whole thing. I'm not saying this is ruin, I'm just saying you should look this over, change and restructure it a bit and it will be better. I still think, that with your imagery, and mostly good rythm and flow this deserved 3 and a half / 5 icky spiders ;DD

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

There is room for improvement, but this is still an interesting read.
Your first poem, eh? This is a good start, and you have the right to be proud of it.
So, with that thought in mind, I’m purposefully not going to leave any criticisms or mention anything I did or didn’t like, simply because with more experience and more putting into practise comes true improvement.
Good work. Keep it up.

I like this poem. I really like the twist at the end that it was just your dad snoring. It rhymed and it flowed so I think that was good. There was a few little spelling mistakes but thats all.