Clueless

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I put in hours, days, of my life for this project.
My pencil creases the paper, and my hand hurts like a bitch but there's no way in hell I'm giving up. I won't be disappointed in myself.
"Daddy?!" He yells from down the hallway, like there's any chance I'll answer him. "Dad?" I hear his socks pad down the hallway and into my room; my sanctuary.
"Hey Dad, what's up? Mom told me to tell you that she wants you to come with us to Aunt Macey's baby shower."
My pencil doesn't stop moving on the page. "Tell your mother that I've got work to do." I knew she would hear me from where she was downstairs in the kitchen. His mother never learned to confront issues. It's why I've gotten away with practically ignoring her existence for 5 years.
"But it'll be a lot of fun." From the corner of my eye, I see him give me a weak smile. I'd feel bad, but I know he doesn't want to see his Aunt Macey either, let alone a pregnant one.
"Wait, do they give baby showers before or after the baby is born?" I ask him. I take a pause in my writing to look up, but he's already gone.

After hours of writing, my brain has had enough. I flop down on the bed next to my desk and am out within minutes. My dreams are vivid, but empty of meaning. As always.


I wake up and drag myself out of bed, going into the bathroom adjoining my room to wash my face. I'm ready for a cup of coffee, and I would send my son to get it, but from the rare quiet in the house I assume everyone has left. Why do people feel the need to go to those things?
When I walk out of my room, I notice something.
What happened to all my son's stuff? I forget about the coffee, and walk through the open door to his room. The sheets are gone from his bed, and his sleazy posters are off the walls.
I search the rest of the house, looking for signs of life. Nothing, excluding all the glasses left in the kitchen cupboards. What the hell would I do with all these cups? And If they were moving out, why would they invite me to some baby shower? And how in the world did they move out without me noticing?
Oh God. Whens the last time I've been out of my room? Have I been sending my son off to fetch me food for this long?
No. This is impossible. I would've at least heard them...
I stand awkwardly in the middle of my (and only my, it seems) kitchen, thinking.
After a few moments, I rush up to my office. I rip my notebook into pieces. This story has been the ruin of me. Plus, I’ve got a new idea.
I find a new notebook and pencil in my drawer, and begin again.
mistura is awesome and she loves you




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Points 2218
Reviews 297
Wow. This is so interesting.

I found no errors in it but my only problem is... Well there are a couple.

1. This story is just so weird, it just puts me off. But, it's pretty good. I love the idea of it but it needs to be developed a little more.

2. Describe your scene some more...

3. Bring more to your character. Right now, he seems kind of emotionless.

Good job with this story.

-Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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Points 37146
Reviews 556
Hello there :)

My pencil creases the paper, and my hand hurts like a bitch(comma) but there's no way in hell I'm giving up.

After hours of writing, my brain has had enough.

Whens the last time I've been out of my room?


I think the only problem I had with this story is where the MC discovers his family is gone. His reaction is very quick. He may not care, but the fact that he analyses things so quickly after discovering his son's missing things, is a little awkward.
More especially this part:
Whens the last time I've been out of my room? Have I been sending my son off to fetch me food for this long?
It's very under developed, his emotions I mean on his discovery.

I will commend you on such a creative idea. Your writing style is quite good and I enjoyed your use of the language.

Keep writing and good luck!
The best is what you make it!

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Points 1040
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Very VERY well done my friend! It was very interesting! I loved it!
A few things i think would make it even better!
Maybe describe your settings a little bit more
Describe what the MC is writing about and why it has taken up his whole life
But besides that it was great! I can't wait to read more!



In a world too often governed by corruption and arrogance, it can be difficult to stay true to one's literary and philosophical principles.
— Lemony Snicket