Diverting Illusions: Chapter One

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Rain pelted down from an ink-black sky in sheets, slicing through the leaves. The forest was filled with the sound of dripping water. Thunder rumbled over head while lighting stabbed down in jagged streaks, illuminating the sky that was otherwise an endless expanse of darkness. Clouds covered the stars and moon, blocking out their silver light. The woods were pitch-black in the storm, branches lashing wildly as they were whipped about in the wind.
A broad-shouldered tom pushed his way through the undergrowth, flicking his ears irritably as water droplets were cast down on him. His tabby pelt was slicked back by the rain, the fur clinging to his scrawny sides. His muscles rippled with power despite his starved demeanor. The tom paused, parting his jaws to draw in the scents of the surrounding territory, the smells washing over the glands on the roof of his mouth. Drops of rain rolled of his whiskers and he blinked water from his ice blue eyes.
“Nothing,” the tom hissed to himself, giving his wet fur a shake. All the prey was hidden away in warm little dens where cats could not follow. The tabby hadn’t eaten since the rain started the previous morning.
Flexing his claws, the tomcat continued on, mud squelching between his toes. The unfamiliar oaks towered over him as he padded forwards through the secluded darkness. Uncontrollable shivers wracked his body as the rain soaked through his fur and onto his skin. The tom’s paws ached from his travels and he couldn’t help but limp, a thorn pierced deep into his pad. He’d been unable to get it out and was forced to cope with the pain while he looked for shelter.
A sudden bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, brightening the forest just long enough for the tabby tom to see a dark shape looming in front of him; then the world was plunged into darkness once more. The tom lowered himself against the leaf-littered ground and prowled forwards as if stalking a mouse, his belly fur brushing the ground and ears perked. His whiskers brushed against something large. The tom raised a paw and pressed his pad against the surface, feeling it. He soon came to recognize it as a stone den that humans often built. There was no scent of humans, indicating that the den had long since been abandoned.
Crawling forwards, the tom felt his way along the wall with his whiskers, searching for the entrance. He hated the thought of sheltering here, but it was better than spending a night in the rain. His nose bumped into another wall of stones, and upon further investigation the tom found them to be the stairs. He bounded quickly up the steps and slipped through the entrance where the door was hanging dangerously from its hinges. His paw steps echoed eerily off the strange floors of the den.
The air smelled musty and stale with a hint of fungus that was growing on the walls. Very faintly, the tabby tomcat could detect another scent. He raised his head and inhaled deeply, trying to distinguish it from the other distasteful things among the den. He narrowed his eyes, savoring the smell when, out of nowhere, a heavy weight crashed down on his shoulders. He could feel the prick of claws digging into his pelt. With a startled yowl, the tom flipped himself over, crushing the attacker under him. There was a humph from beneath the tabby as the air was driven from his assailant’s lungs.
Heaving himself to his paws, the tom wrenched his shoulders free of the attacker’s claws. The scent of cat wreathed around the tabby; a tom by the smell of it. He whirled around to come face to face with furious green eyes glinting cold and malicious in the darkness. Another flash of lighting lit up the house, showing the other cat in fine detail. He was crouched, hackles bristling and teeth bared, in front of the first tabby. He appeared to be of orange coloring, though it was distorted by the flashing light.
“Who are you?” the orange tabby demanded, his voice husky with fear.
“My name is Taint,” the first tom replied, his claws sliding back into their sheaths. If he was to be allowed to shelter here, he needed to make an impression on this cat. “I’m just looking to shelter, not fight.”
The orange tom pushed himself up from the crouch, his claws also sliding back in, though he still remained wary and tense. “I’m Soul. How’d you find this place? No one ever comes here.”
The brown tabby hesitated, and then answered bluntly, “I’m a traveler. I was wandering through a pine forest not far from here when the rain hit. I was just lucky to stumble across this place.”
The second tom narrowed his eyes skeptically, as if he didn’t fully believe the other cat’s story, but he only nodded. “Well, I don’t see why you can’t stay,” he mumbled. “Just don’t cause any trouble.”
The green-eyed cat turned without another word and disappeared into the shadows, his paw steps echoing off the floor boards as he went. Unsure of what to do, the brown tabby tom slid away to a corner of the den to assume a place to sleep. He raised his injured fore paw and gave the thorn another tug, finally loosening it from its hold and releasing a stream of blood. The tom rasped his tongue over the pad several times, trying to stop the bleeding.
When the blood flow subsided, the tom tucked his legs under him and crouched in the corner, pressing his side against the wall. His eyes narrowed to icy slits as he stared into the darkness. His fur was still wet, though it was beginning to dry and clump together. Twisting his head around, the tom trailed his tongue over the brown and black furs of his shoulders and flanks, trying to get the hairs to dry in normal positions. The rhythmic strokes of his tongue were making the tom drowsy, and before he knew what was happening, he was drifting off into a fitful sleep.

Sun dappled the wooden floors of the human den as it shone through the broken glass in the windows. Taint cast his gaze out over the room, taking in the scenery of peeling wall paper and rotting wood. He blinked in surprise, startled because he couldn’t remember ever waking up. Taint’s ear rotated around when it caught a sudden sound. The tom whirled around in time to see Soul padding towards him, but the orange tabby was looking at something past Taint.
The orange tom was coming closer to Taint, but gave no sign of seeing him. “Soul, what are you doing? Soul!” Taint shouted, trying to get the tom’s attention. Still, the other cat gave no indication he heard or even saw Taint. Instead, he padded straight through the brown tabby. Taint let out a startled yowl as Soul passed through him, making his body shimmer.
Taint’s eyes flew open just as Soul was raising a paw to prod him in the ribs. Taint’s flanks heaved as he fought for air, remnants of his dream still lingering in his mind like cobwebs. “You’re jumpy,” Soul remarked, flicking his tabby-striped tail.
Taint blinked rapidly, clearing sleep from his vision and focusing on Soul. The first thing he saw was a pair of clouded green eyes set against a pale orange face. Soul was looking down at Taint, though Taint was quite sure the elderly tom couldn’t see him; Soul was blind. Taint scrambled to his paws, giving his chest a few embarrassed licks after realizing he’d been staring at Soul.
“Is something wrong?” Soul inquired, tilting his head slightly while continuing to stare at Taint with sightless green eyes.
“N-no,” Taint stammered, unsure of how to act. Soul nodded, but kept staring. Taint shifted uncomfortably, unable to meet Soul’s gaze. The elder seemed to be peering into Taint’s very soul, seeking out his deepest secrets.
“You’re confused,” Soul observed suddenly as if he had read Taint’s facial expression.
“How do you know?” Taint asked guardedly, shrinking a bit closer to the wall. “I’m confused as to how you seem to do so well on your own, being blind and all.”
“Something else is on your mind,” Soul ventured, an underlying question in his words.
Taint bridled. Soul’s comments were too prying, too close to the truth. Taint shied away from any more of Soul’s observations and avoided talking by twisting around to begin grooming his ruffled fur. Soul just sat there with his tail curled around his paws letting the silence stretch on. Taint could just barely stifle the growl of irritation that was rising in his throat. Blind or not, Soul was a skilled fighter and Taint couldn’t afford to be badly injured.
Deciding to give Taint his space, Soul turned and began trotting towards the entrance of the den, calling over his shoulder as he went, “I’ll be out hunting. I should be back by late afternoon.”
“Wait, you hunt?” Taint asked, rising to his paws and bounding after the orange tabby, curiosity getting the better of him.
“Would I be alive if I didn’t?” Soul stopped and looked back at the younger cat with a quizzical expression. After Soul pointed it out, Taint realized how stupid his question had been. Soul appeared well fed and healthy.
“But isn’t it… You know, hard to hunt?” Taint sputtered, feeling a bit awkward at pointing out Soul’s disability.
“Just because I’m blind doesn’t mean I can’t hear and smell. I grew up in this territory, and I know it like I know my own scent,” Soul chuckled, flicking his tail casually as if talking about his blindness was completely normal.
“Would you mind if I came along to watch?” Taint asked hopefully, the idea of a blind cat hunting intriguing him.
Soul looked puzzled, as if he didn’t quite understand Taint’s interest, but he shrugged and nodded his assent. “Sure, as long as you don’t scare the prey away.”
“I won’t,” Taint promised, then followed after Soul as the blind tom led the way out of the human den.

“So, does it bother you to be, you know, blind?” Taint queried as he and Soul weaved through the underbrush. Taint couldn’t help but be impressed as Soul trotted over the uneven ground without tripping.
“It can be a bit of a nuisance sometimes, but I’ve gotten used to it,” Soul explained, rolling his dappled shoulders in a shrug.
“Have you always been blind?”
“No.”
“What happened?”
“An accident.”
Taint flicked his tail irritably, wishing to have longer, more elaborate answers. He began picking up the sound of running water, and he could catch glimpses between the trees of a silvery surface reflecting the sun.
“Where are we going?” Taint piped up, wondering if Soul planned on swimming across the creek. Taint, for one, had no intentions of getting his paws wet.
“The meadow. It used to be a horse field,” Soul explained. “It’s easier to hunt there without having to worry about brushing up against ferns or brambles.”
“Oh.” Taint was growing nervous as they drew closer to the water. He could see the creek clearly now, and Soul was heading right for it. “Uh, Soul? We aren’t going to be swimming, are we?”
Soul didn’t answer. Now, Taint was bordering frightened. His sister had drowned when they were still kittens. The river they lived near had flooded during a storm. He and his brother had just barely escaped, stumbling through the undergrowth on stubby legs with no idea where they were. Luckily, their mother had found them not long after, but the damage was done. Taint’s sister was dead, and now he was terrified of water.
When Soul reached the water’s edge, he veered away sharply and began following its course along the sandy banks. Taint followed, liking the feeling of the sand under his paws. He paused for a moment and flexed his claws, sinking them in and out of the sand. He then gave himself a brisk shake and bounded after Soul. Taint found it rather annoying to have to travel in order to find prey, but he didn’t complain out loud.
Soul was sitting on a large wooden platform that lay across the creek. Taint leapt up beside him, watching the water from his peripheral vision. Soul rose to his paws and trotted across before jumping down on the other side. Taint followed a bit more cautiously, heart racing until his paws were safely on the ground of the far bank. The ground was muddy and slick after the previous night’s rain. Debris was scattered across the ground; a treacherous obstacle course for the blind Soul.
If this bothered him, Soul didn’t show it. He simply slipped under the fence that surrounded the meadow with Taint close behind. “Feel free to hunt,” Soul commented before slinking away into the tall grass, ears perked and jaws agape.
Taint opened his mouth, and almost immediately he detected the scent of mouse. Lowering himself to the ground, Taint pulled himself forwards, making sure to place his paws lightly as not to startle the mouse. He spotted the little brown creature a moment later. It was resting on its hindquarters with a seed held fast between its tiny paws, oblivious to the danger it was facing. Taint rocked his haunches then sprang, landing squarely on top of it. He finished the mouse with a swift bite to the neck.
Taint finished the mouse in a few ravenous gulps then sat up, rasping his tongue over his lips to clean away the mouse blood. He began looking for another mouse and quickly located one a few cat-lengths away. Without even a second thought, Taint lunged for it, scooping its tiny body up in his claws, and then killing it once it hit the ground. He had to admit, hunting was good here. He ate the second mouse quickly, and then began heading back to the fence where he would wait for Soul.

The sun was at its zenith when Soul finally returned. Taint had been dozing in a patch of sunlight when the blind tabby padded up. There was a trace of blood on his whiskers and he smelt faintly of mouse; his hunt had also been successful.
“Hunting is good here,” Taint remarked drowsily, rolling over onto his flank to allow then sunlight to pool over his side.
Soul crouched down nearby, his legs tucked under him while his striped tail curled around his side. “Yes. Even in winter hunting is okay.” Soul’s sightless eyes narrowed before he added, “Enough prey to share, if you’d like to stay.”
Taint blinked in surprise. Last night, Soul seemed ready to claw his ears off. Now the blind elder was offering to share his territory with Taint. “You want me to stay?” Taint stuttered, unsure of how to react.
“Sure.” Soul shrugged. “It’s lonely here sometimes. It would be nice to have a younger cat around.”
Taint wanted to stay. He was tired of travelling his whole life and was intrigued by the idea of being able to settle in one place, but he felt as if he imposed by agreeing to stay. “Well, if you really want me to stay, I suppose.”
Soul nodded curtly, stating in the gesture that it was agreed; Taint was staying. Taint couldn’t help feeling that there was more to this offer than met the eye. There was something about him that interested Soul, he just couldn’t figure out what. Soul had already dozed off, small snores rumbling from his chest.
Taint felt himself drifting off as well, but he was nervous to fall asleep out in the open. Finally though, his weariness became too much and the brown tabby tom fell into the blissful unconsciousness of sleep.
A sleek silver she-cat was padding towards Taint. He felt claws in his heart when he realized it was his sister, Petal, who had drowned that stormy night so long ago. Her pale green eyes were gentle as she touched noses with Taint in greeting. Petal was fully grown though rather than being the kitten she died as, which startled Taint.
“Hello, dear brother,” she murmured in a soft voice.
“Petal,” Taint whispered in awe. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“And I you, but you must listen closely,” Petal told him, her eyes taking on a haunted look.
“Wait, I’m dreaming. None of this is real. Petal, you’re dead. I’m not really seeing you,” Taint growled, taking a step back with a pained expression on his face.
“Yes, brother. You’re dreaming, but what I’m about to tell you is very real. You must listen,” Petal said gently. “You must embrace the ghosts of your past. Soul will help you if you only ask.”
“What do you mean?” Taint demanded, a bit sharper than he’d intended.
“Goodbye, Taint. I’ll be watching over you.” Petal’s image began to fade until Taint could see the trees through her. Then he was plunged, yowling and flailing, into darkness.
“Taint, wake up!” Soul hissed, prodding him Taint in the ribs. Taint blinked awake and stared at Soul, panting heavily. “You were thrashing and whimpering in your sleep. Is something wrong?”
“Just a dream,” Taint puffed while trying to regain control of his breathing.
“Care to elaborate on it?” Soul asked casually, though Taint knew the elder was itching to know what it was about.
“I saw my dead sister. She told me to ‘embrace the ghosts of my past.’ Whatever that means,” Taint explained, shuddering. “She said you could help me.”
Soul’s clouded green eyes were wide, not with disbelief, but with knowing. “Come on. We need to get back to the den. I’ll explain everything there.”
“Wait, what? Soul, explain what?” Taint demanded, but the orange tom was already slipping under the fence and bounding towards the bridge. Taint gathered his paws under him and took off after Soul, struggling to catch up.

Soul was already sitting in the entrance of the human den when Taint caught up, sides heaving as he fought for air after the run all the way back. Soul looked hardly winded as he sat watching Taint as if he could actually see him. Taint bounded up the stone steps and sat down in front of Soul, wrapping his tail neatly over his paws.
“What is this all about?” Taint demanded. “Don’t tell me you’re taking this dream seriously.”
“Youngsters these days,” Soul muttered, rolling his eyes. “They think everything is a joke.” Soul raised a paw and trailed his tongue over it before pulling it over his ear a few times. “It’s as I suspected. You’re no ordinary cat, Taint.”
“What do you mean?” Taint asked warily, not sure if he really wanted to know the answer.
Soul didn’t give him a straight forward answer. Instead, he began, “Because I’m blind, my hearing and smell are better than most cats, but I can also sense emotions. Sort of like a strengthened sense of empathy, though I truly feel the emotions. It’s a gift if you will, though sometimes it’s a bit annoying. Your gift is to talk to spirits, hence the ‘embrace the ghosts of your past.’”
Taint didn’t know what to say. So much of what Soul was telling him made sense, filling in the missing puzzle pieces of his life. Yet at the same time, it was so far out there that it was hard to take in. “So you’re saying we have powers?” Taint asked uncertainly.
“More or less,” Soul answered. “Your power is a bit harder to control though. You can summon the spirits when you want them, but you can’t make them do anything. My power is just there all the time. There are ways to ‘turn it off’ so to speak, but I never really found a reason to since there are seldom other cats around.”
Taint sat in silence, thinking over what Soul was telling him. Then an idea hit him. “Are there others like us?”
“I’m not sure. I mean, there are already two of us so I don’t see why there wouldn’t be more,” Soul reasoned.
“Why do we have these powers then? What are we supposed to do with them?” Taint pressed. He felt full of power now that he knew the truth, but he couldn’t think of a way to release the energy.
“Help other cats, maybe. I don’t know. Perhaps we just found favor with someone up there,” Soul answered, gesturing with his tail up towards the sky. “But, until then, I will teach you how to use and manage your powers. Come, come.” Soul got up and padded into the human den. Taint followed close on his heels, curiosity pricking at his paws.
Soul leapt up a series of shelves then scrambled onto one of the rafters where he perched, flicking his tail to motion for Taint to follow. He hesitated for a moment, then clawed his way up the shelves and balanced precariously next to Soul.
“First thing you need to do is close your eyes and relax,” Soul instructed. Taint nodded tersely then closed his eyes, claws sinking into the rotting wood for balance. “Now let your mind go blank. Concentrate on only darkness and relaxation.” Soul was telling him, though his voice was beginning to fade. “Just let go of this world and journey to the next.”
Taint opened his eyes to find himself once more on the floor of the human den. He looked up to see Soul sitting on the rafters, and his body crouched in front of the orange tom. “Well done,” a deep voice praised him.
Taint whipped around just as a large white tom padded from the shadows. “Who are you?” Taint demanded, his claws unsheathing warily.
“No need to be frisky,” the tom rumbled, his green eyes dancing with amusement. “My name is Roulette. I’m you’re spirit guide.”
“My spirit guide?” Taint repeated, looking confused.
“I’m here to help you master your gift and to guide you,” Roulette explained, his white form shimmering as he stepped closer. “For now, I will answer any questions that you have.”
“Are there others like me?” Taint blurted out. It was the first question that came to mind.
Roulette seemed to consider the question for a while, then answered, “Yes, there are others, though their powers differ from yours.”
Roulette’s ear suddenly swiveled around as if he was listening to something Taint couldn’t hear. “Is something wrong?” Taint prompted.
“Nothing you need to worry about. I will return again soon to continue instructing you. For now I must go.”
Roulette’s white figure faded and Taint found himself once more on the rafters, the wood soft under his pads. He opened his eyes to see Soul staring at him expectantly. “Well?” Soul pressed, waiting for Taint to say something.
“I met a spirit,” Taint meowed, savoring the image of Roulette. “He’s going to teach me about my powers.”
“Good,” Soul said curtly, leaping down from the rafter and back onto the shelves. “Come, I’ll show you a better place to sleep then we can go gather moss for your bedding.”
Taint leapt down after him, his paws landing on the wooden floor with a muffled thump. Soul took up the lead as the two toms trotted out of the den and down the steps. “I need you to watch out for downed branches and such for me,” Soul told Taint. “After the storm, I’m sure there are a lot of new things on the paths I usually use.”
“Sure,” Taint agreed coming up beside Soul and laying his tail across the blind cat’s shoulders.
“Just follow this trail. It leads you right to the moss clearing,” Soul instructed. “Try to push the sticks off the path too if you could.”
Taint nodded, then remembering Soul couldn’t see the movement, he answered in words, “Will do, Soul.”
“There’s no need to feel awkward around me,” Soul remarked, padding diligently along beside Taint.
Taint stifled his hiss of annoyance. He forgot Soul could read emotions. He’d have to be careful in the future to watch his emotions.
“No need to be frustrated either,” Soul chuckled. “Don’t worry, I won’t pry. I’ll make sure to stay out of your feelings. Most of the time.” Taint couldn’t help but notice the gleam of amusement in Soul’s cloudy eyes. “Well, here we are.”
Taint had been so wrapped up in trying to control his emotions that he didn’t notice the trees thinning out into a small clearing. Moss coated the ground in a cushion of green while the air was perfumed with the smell of damp dirt. Soul pulled away from Taint and padded to the center of the clearing. He sank his claws into the soft ground and began pulling up clumps of moss.
Taint followed him and began shaking the water from the moss and rolling it into a ball. Soul scooped up another pawful and rolled it over to Taint. The brown tabby squeezed it between his forepaws, feeling the moisture drain from the fungus. He placed it with the rest of his quarry, then picked the giant moss ball up in his mouth. Soul stepped back, indicating that he expected Taint to lead the way back.
“If you’re going to live here, you need to start learning the territory,” he said gruffly. Taint took up the lead, his pelt brushing Soul’s so that he could guide the blind tom. “Tomorrow,” Soul meowed, “we begin your training.”
Last edited by 0o0Redrum0o0 on Sat Jul 16, 2011 5:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
When I give up, I'm not showing weakness.
Sometimes, I'm just showing enough strength to move on.




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Hi,
Ok, I really enjoyed your story, it resembled warriors well, but I like how you took from the aspect of a loner instead of a clan cat. You're descriptions were very good, and the plot was a little slow, but captivating enough. I get that this is only the first chapter, so holding back on the character info is fine for now, just don't wait to long to let us know more about them.

Here are the nitpicks I found:


Rain pelted down from an ink-black sky in sheets, slicing through the leaves. The forest was filled with the sound of dripping water. Thunder rumbled over head while lighting stabbed down in jagged streaks, illuminating the sky that was otherwise an endless expanse of darkness. Clouds covered the stars and moon, blocking out their silver light. The woods were pitch-black in the storm, branches lashing wildly as they were whipped about in the wind.

very nice visual, even if it is kinda of an info dump.

“Nothing,” the tom hissed to himself, giving her wet fur a shake. All the prey was hidden away in warm little dens where cats could not follow. The tabby hadn’t eaten since the rain started the previous morning.

I think you meant 'his' you're talking about a tom right?

Flexing his claws, the tomcat continued on, mud squelching between his toes. The unfamiliar oaks towered over him as he padded forwards through the secluded darkness. Uncontrollable shivers wracked his body as the rain soaked through his fur and into his skin.

the rain probably soaked onto his skin, not in into.

A sudden bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, brightening the forests just long enough for the tabby tom to see a dark shape looming in front of him; then the world was plunged into darkness once more.

'Forest' singular, he's only in one forest.

A sudden bolt of lightning streaked through the sky, brightening the forests just long enough for the tabby tom to see a dark shape looming in front of him; then the world was plunged into darkness once more. The tom lowered himself against the leaf-littered ground and prowled forwards as if stalking a mouse, his belly fur brushing the ground and ears perked. His whiskers brushed against something large. The tom raised a paw and pressed his pad against the surface, feeling it. He soon came to recognize it as a stone den that humans often built. There was no scent of humans, indicating that the den had long since been abandoned.
Crawling forwards, the tom felt his way along the wall with his whiskers, searching for the entrance. He hated the thought of sheltering here, but it was better than spending a night in the rain. His nose bumped into another wall of stones, and upon further investigation the tom found them to be the stairs.

Cat's can see in the dark fairly well, I was just wondering why he didn't notice the house earlier, and why he had to use his whiskers instead of his eyes? Also cat's don't normally 'bump into things'. I was just curious.

Another flash of lighting lit up the house, showing the other cat in fine detail. He was crouched, hackled bristling and teeth bared, in front of the first tabby. He appeared to be of orange coloring, though it was distorted by the flashing light.

Hackles

“Something else is on your mind,” Soul ventured, an underlying question in his words.
Taint bridled.

bridled is a strange word to use here, something bristled would sound smoother.

Debris were scattered across the ground; a treacherous obstacle course for the blind Soul.

'was'

It was resting on its hinds with a seed held between its tiny paws, oblivious to the danger it was facing.

hindquarters maybe?

He was tired of travelling his whole life and was intrigued by the idea of being able to settle in once place, but he felt as if he imposed by agreeing to stay.

'traveling' and 'one'

filling in the missing puzzle pieces of his life.

hopefully you'll elaborate on this.

I’ll make sure to turn off my powers.

This sounds a little tacky.

He placed it with the rest of his quarry, the picked the giant moss ball up in his mouth. Soul stepped back, indicating that he expected Taint to lead the way back.
'then'

rasping his tongue

you use this a lot, you might want to change 1 or 2 to something else.

Other than that, great start to an interesting story. I'll be waiting to read more.
~Zanna Shepherd

P.S. you should probably post this in fan-fiction.
In order to write about life, first you must live it!

Ernest Hemingway

Hmm, must be why I only write fantasy, that's the only life I've ever lived.
~Zanna




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Thanks for all the corrections. A lot of them I didn't catch in my own review. I don't really plan on telling more about Taint's history, at least not until the end because I want him to be a more mysterious character. I've never really been fond of the first few chapters of this story. I just feel like I rushed through it. I think the later chapters get better and there is more action. I went through and changed some of the repeated words.
I've been waiting a while to get a second oppinion on this since no one in my house ever seems to have time to sit down and read it. I'll keep the chapters coming!
When I give up, I'm not showing weakness.
Sometimes, I'm just showing enough strength to move on.




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Hello!! Welcome to YWS!!

I adored the ‘rain pelted down’. What lovely phrasing! So, I adored that and then I’d kill the rest of the paragraph. Yep, I know it’s raining.

Quote:
His muscles rippled with power despite his starved demeanor.

Wha wha?.. (I mean, in terms of 'myscles rippled with power despite starved demeanor =000)Yo, cut the weather description and describe the starved demeanor. Put emphasis on the character who is central to the story, not a storm which is a passing convenience to the story.

Quote:
The tom’s paws ached from his travels and he couldn’t help but limp, a thorn pierced deep into his pad.

Ok, so we’re unactive. I mean, I can’t remember the word – this sentence up there, it’s passive, yes, passive! Passive!

Quote:
He’d been unable to get it out and was forced to cope with the pain while he looked for shelter.

See, this is a statement covering the sitation. What happens when you turn it active – bam, here and now, an on the spot coverage.

Think of a reporter standing with a great big tidal wave standing behind him, screaming: And the weather’s pretty bad! This is why reporters, I don’t know if you’ve read about it, try to fry eggs on the sidewalk or whatsit. Yahoo news ;)
Active spices things up.

See, that great big tidal wave is a great reporting story. It’s a great story, I think, even if it were just said. But it pulls at heart strings more etc. etc. with the on the spot here now thing. The audience, reader, is more prone to go WOWWW. Tension spikes :D

So, I’d tone down on the passive.

Y’know, not a paragraph long rant listing 5 different words for pain. Nail it how you wanna, but EMOTION. Things happen; actions happen; move move move yep; but emotion!! Not just inform-style by those adverbs which name I never remember (the –ly ones) in tags after dialogie (I’ll be ranting about that later).

You can do this via body language too. Roasting two pigeons at the same time :D You have a pretty much amazing narration going on, so not a lot of the new insertions, just a little bit. Like, I don’t know, his belly grumbling or something ;)

Quote:
and then answered bluntly, “I’m a traveler.

How’s that blunt? See, too him, to Taint who might not have talked to anyone in a long time, etc., etc., but to the reader?


Quote:
Sun dappled

I do love your language, have I said that already? I do, I do. It’s rich, and it’s superb.

Soul inquired. Taint stammered. Taint asked guardedly. Soul ventured. Don’t they ever, you know, simply –say– stuff? I like variety in vocab in every other place but tags. Variuety in tags can’t take the place of idk, body language, emotions, etc. It’s an easy way out, a cheat, and works from time to time, but not ALL the time.

Quote:
Soul’s comments were too prying, too close to the truth.

Too dramatic ;) I know, you want a mysterious character. He already is! No need for the above.


Quote:
“Would I be alive if I didn’t?”

Score for Soul :D

Hey, how can cats have quizzical expression and look puzzled? ‘Cause it’s stated that Soul does these things. I mean, cat’s are quite capable of giving you the Death Stare (*nods), but a politely intrigued expression while sipping a cup of tea?

Show me this!! Don’t state that it is.


Quote:
as if he didn’t quite understand Taint’s interest,

Yo, we do need to sort out their relationship. They were fighting maybe not literally seconds ago, then they talk. Taint even remarks upon it. Yep, good that he does, but simply remarking upon it isn’t enough. See, we need to add – something.

A spark of danger ;) Something, which during the scene, dances around the edges. Something which makes the reader uncomfortable. Because not all is right, right? I mean, already Soul might be having plans for him (the magic etc.) – or he might not, but he might be at the stage of having plans for having plans, if you know what I mean, or might be at leats suspecting. So!! Illustrate that in this scene, I guess maybe a bit of forwshadowing.

Later on he wants him to stay. See, we need a reason. Oh, idk, why’d he want him to stay? Yes, yes, later on we learn why. But for now – a false reason, even. Any reason. Right now, I doubt and I CANNOT doubt. See, I don’t take this enfolding of things as natural. Hint, that maybe Soul feels sorry for him, I don’t know. Sprinkle some sort of reason, whether true or not, and then later on take out the heavy machine guns. Hint at any reason that the reader might be ok with and take for granted. Not necessarily a true one. The joys of being a writer :D Because, as is, why’s he want him to stay? Why? To eat up his food?

Yes, eh says he’s lonely, but that’s – not enough. I mean, keep it, but add some hint of something else in their relationship before: or, of that loneliness before. Because really, loneliness is a good reason, but not when you only add it as an afterthought.

Promised. Queried. Explained. On their own, they’re fine. They’re wonderful descriptors. But not en masse. You see, when they pile up – that’s exactly what happens, they pile up, they’re a heap of them, they clog up the pipes and the sink breaks down.

Quote:
“Have you always been blind?”
“No.”
“What happened?”
“An accident.”

This bit I liked. A sort of contrast to the plump paragraphs (which I like – I mean, it’s a style thing, right? Some people have bigger paragraphs, others tend to use small ones, but it’s sort of noticeable, isn’t it? I use a loott lotlotlottt of words myself and hence prefer it :DDDD say no to laconic pieces!!!!!!!). Anyway, in these circumstance, the above looks really nice. Omg, see, I use a lot of words.

What I mean is, it’s curt – snappy – when you read it, it’s sort of whip-like, bc you have said-reort-said-reply bam bam bam. One’s eyes just flow over it in it FITS. Taint doesn’t seem to share this view :D

It characterizes well. And while we’re an sneaky (sneaky, meaing, unstraightforward characterization, which is usuallu the best) - at one point, Taint ‘pipes up’. Naïve boys pipe up (characterizing). Yep, it’s a jab in the eyes at the tags again. Anyway, it sort of confuses me as to what sort of character Taint is.

By the by, you posted in the short story section.


Quote:
Now, Taint was bordering frightened. His sister had drowned when they were still kittens.


Eh, backstory – flat backstory. Make me care. I darrreee you. If I were your editor, I’d tell you to cut it. I mean, yeah, Pearl appears later, but then we can find out she died. Here this is a lump of words. Here, in this moment, there’s no –time- no –space- for a teary (one paragraph long!) backstory. It exists, but nothing more.

It could be altered – but really, is it necessary? What meaning does it give to the story? How to justify its existence?

The dream/reality transition. It’s awkward. It’s – visible. I’d prefer it to be more – oh, more subtle. See, as is now, it looks like the plot device that it is. And it must not look so!! The story must move smoothly, seamlessly.

Quote:
“Youngsters these days,” Soul muttered, rolling his eyes.

Um, he’s a cat, right? Eye rolling =00 Animals being humanized. Hmm I think too much at times.

You said that you’re worried you’re rushing things. I for one enjoyed the not-rushed beginning (it was wellthough of, plotted out, gradual – fab), but then the magical parts nearing the end of this chapter where the exact opposite. I think they were, yes, rushed. I missed the wonderful language and the slower pace which enabled me to become part of the world. Maybe, again, it’s a style thing – I’m more of a wordy person that not. Be that as it may, I’d like to see more details here; that would, I think, make me even more drawn in.

I enjoyed reading! (um, to 1 a.m., you).

Cheers,
Esme




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I loved your review, very helpful indeed. Some parts of it I didn't quite understand where you were coming from, but hey, that's just me. I went back and added some more feeling to Taint's backstory. I also added some more details about Taint being starved and whatnot. I'm still working out how to make the dream-reality more flowing. Any ideas? As for Soul wanting Taint to say, I recall there being a line where Taint remarks that he "...couldn't help but feel there was more to this offer than met the eye." Basically, Soul feels it's his duty to make sure there aren't powerful cats running around recklessly and causing mayhem, but that all comes later. The "I'm lonely" crap is just an excuse. As you can tell, Soul isn't the most open cat in the world.
Thanks for the review :D
~Redrum
When I give up, I'm not showing weakness.
Sometimes, I'm just showing enough strength to move on.




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I know it's an excuse :D But I shouldn't know! I mean, it shouldn't be so obvious that it is, just my opinion. It might not seem like an important thing - I mean, a detail in the great scheme of things - like what, once scene in a whole book? But reading is also about the twists and turns, anticipation about what;ll happen next, making him/her sit on the edge of the chair!

So there, I know it's an excuse. Make Taint aware that it's an excuse, sure, but let it be made clear that he's aware - and anchor that excuse into the story more :D If it makes any sense!

I mean, yeah, he has his true reason, maybe a little foreshadowing, idk, I'd just focus on that 'excuse' here at this point. Deepen it later as you're doing now.

Cheers,
Esme



today we are possible.
— Lucille Clifton