The Beginning Story.

For Description cause I could not fit it all: I might turn this into a full blown novel depending on how to reveiws go and how many people are intreasted.

I’m not sure when it happened really, I was walking home from school it was public you know those kind of schools where the less smart go to? It was a standard public high school I was a freshie really. But I was pulled into an ally by guys I didn’t know, I didn’t recognize them but they were wearing a school uniform.

“Were they from Grimes?” I thought to myself.

“Give us the money and we promise to let you go without injury” one guy said.

“I don’t have any im broke!” I said

“Bullshit!” another guy said.

He threw me against the wall my head snapping back hitting the wall, I fell to my knees my hand in back of my head. He picked me up off my knees by my shirt and pushed me to the wall.

“Alright goldy locks if you don’t want to die you never vist this place without money ever again hear me!” he said in a demanding voice.

I nodded hoping they let me go.

“And just to make sure you get the message were going to beat it into ya.” the guy said.

He took out a knife turned it so it point downwards then stabbed me in my left arm and started to pull down sending mass pain though my arm and body, he laughed in triumphly.

“Alright boys time for the main event.” he said still laughing.

“Beat her!”

The guy took his knife out of my arm and let me fall to the floor then two guys started beating on me from head to toe and pain all over right after the first kick to my face hit I was out like a light I awoke slightly to someone carrying me over the shoulder. I groaned slightly not knowing what was going on then I heard a voice.

“Careful Dennis one wrong move could worsen her wounds.” a female voice said.

I slipped back into unconcessness again, then woke up once more. This time I was lying down on a bed I could still barely open my eyes enough to see, not enough for them to tell. I was hearing them talk but only in fragments and pieces.

“She...energy....her.....tell......kinisis.” was what I heard from the girl.

The guy standing next to her knelt down by her and patted her head. Before he could speck I slipped back into unconcessness.

Hello! I write my corrections and suggestions in bold.

I’m not sure when it happened really, I was walking home from school it was public you know those kind of schools where the less smart go to? It was a standard public high school I was a freshie really. But I was pulled into an ally by guys I didn’t know, I didn’t recognize them but they were wearing a school uniform. <----I wasn't sure if I should review this part or not. Is it part of the story?

“Were they from Grimes?” I thought to myself.

“Give us the money and we promise to let you go without injury.” one guy said. (I'm really picky )

“I don’t have any im broke!” I said.

“Bullshit!” another guy said.

He threw me against the wall. My head snapping Snapped back hitting (And hit) the wall. I fell to my knees, my hand in back of my head. He picked me up (off my knees) This isn't needed. by my shirt and pushed me to the wall.

“Alright goldy locks if you don’t want to die you never vist this place without money ever again hear me!” he said in a demanding voice. It's actually Goldilocks but if you don't like that you can use Golden Locks. Maybe use this: "Alright _______, if you don't want to die you would never visit this place without money. Do you hear me?"

I nodded, hoping they would let me go.

“And just to make sure you get the message were going to beat it into ya.” the guy said. Maybe: He sneered.

He took out a knife turned it so it point downwards then stabbed me in my left arm and started to pull down sending mass pain though my arm and body, he laughed in triumphly. <---- This line is kind of awkward. Watch out for you commas and periods so it's not is some big heap.

“Alright boys, time for the main event.” he said, still laughing.

“Beat her!”

The guy took his knife out of my arm and let me fall to the floor then two guys started beating on me from head to toe and pain all over right after the first kick to my face hit I was out like a light I awoke slightly to someone carrying me over the shoulder. I groaned slightly not knowing what was going on then I heard a voice. Same as the last comment. Commas, periods.

“Careful Dennis one wrong move could worsen her wounds.” a female voice said.

I slipped back into unconcessness unconsciousness again, then woke up once more. This time I was lying down on a bed. I could still barely open my eyes enough to see, not enough for them to tell. I was hearing them talk but only in fragments and pieces.

“She...energy....her.....tell......kinisis.” was what I heard from the girl. It's actually telekinesis

The guy standing next to her knelt down by her and patted her head. Before he could speck Do you mean speak? I slipped back into unconcessness.

It was a good plot, but you just have to watch out for punctuation and grammer. If you don't it makes the story really confusing.
Keep writing,

Kirah.

Hey, Masterheart, I'm Maddy, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

Please, please, please make sure that before you submit any piece of work on YWS, that you proof-read it and run it through Spellcheck for errors, because unfortunately, there's plently. I hate to say it, but as soon as there's more than two spelling errors in anything, it will put me off my reading and leave me grumpy.

Also, watch your commas. They are never substitutes for full stops. If you're having trouble using them, just read your piece outloud in a Disney-flashback-narration-style and where there's dramatic pauses, there's full stops. C:

I’m not sure when it happened, really. I was walking home from school- a public one, you know, those type of schools where the less intelligence, or less rich, attend? It was a standard public high school- I was a freshie really. So when I was pulled into an ally by guys I didn’t know, didn't recognise but werewearing a school uniform, it didn't surprise me. Well, the part about being hauled in an alleyway did, that's for sure, but you get my drift.

“Were they from Grimes?” I thought to myself.

“Give us the money and we promise to let you go without injury,” one of the muggers growled.

“I don’t have any! I'm broke!” I protested weakly

“Bullshit!” another guy said.

He threw me against the wall. My head snapped back on impact. I fell to my knees, my hand s at back of my head. The guy hoisted me up off my knees by my shirt and pushed me once again to the wall.

“Alright, miss Goldilocks, if you don’t want to die a horrible death, then I suggest that you never visit this place without money ever again! Do you hear me?" he said in a demanding voice.<- unnecessary- we can tell by his words and tone that he's demanding, and the line halts the rhythm of the story.

I nodded, hoping they let me go.

“And just to make sure you get the message, were going to beat it into ya'.”

He withdrew a knife (from where?) and turned it so it pointed downwards, then stabbed me in my left arm. He began to drag it down. I screeched as it sent mass pain shooting through[/ my arm and body. He laughed triumphly.

“Alright boys, time for the main event.” he said, still chuckling.

“Beat her!”

The guy took his knife out of my arm and let me fall to the floor then two guys started beating on me from head to toe and pain all over right after the first kick to my face hit
Woah, woah, woah! Slow down, sister! What the hell just happened? You can't rush a fight scene. I don't know who's welding what knife, how many are attacking her, what she is feeling, how she is reacting, what is going through her failing mind... you need to say all of this! A fight scene cannot happen in two lines. Rewrite ALL of this- it's unusable.

I awoke, barely, to someone carrying me over the shoulder. I groaned slightly , not knowing what was going on t,but then I heard a voice.

“Careful , Dennis- one wrong move could worsen her wounds,” a female voice said gently.

I slipped back into unconcessness unconsciousness again, then woke up once more. This time I was lying down on a bed. I could still barely open my eyes enough to see, not enough for them to tell. I was hearing a group of people talk, but only in fragments and pieces.

“She...energy....her.....tell......kinisis,” was uttered by the girl.

The guy standing next to her knelt down by her and patted her head. Before he could speck speak, I slipped back into unconcessness.

There's the nitpick stuff done.

For further reading, I also heavily suggest you religious study these YWS boards:

topic44898.html
topic49052.html
topic41426.html
topic73706.html

And take this test: http://www.springhole.net/quizzes/marysue.htm

There are so many things I could elaborate on further. Like how you didn't actually mention her name or town in the opening. How you told me, more often than showed me. How all your action happened extremely fast. But I don't have enough time -__________-;

I hope you take on board my advice, and I really, really hope I wasn't mean! You're a newbie, after all, I should treat you better. It's a lot to absorb. Just try your best.

Keep writing!
-Maddy

Dammit, @Kirahh ! You bet me to first post. Not fair XD

Thank you two for reveiwing it aint that good because I had been up all night with a friend so I wasn't exactly consentrated. but it was one of those things where, if I don't do it now I'm going to forget when I wake up so yea I wasn't exactly at a 100still thanks anyways.

Also @Kirahh I like to ask you to reframe from saying any thoughts to what my female charcter said cause I'm trying to figure out on how to remove your review because of that.

Uhm, okay.
I apologize for offending you in any way.