Life Raft

And in the middle of the flood, I felt my worth/ When you hold on to me, like I was your little life raft/ Please know, that you were mine as well.
-Snow Patrol

Life Raft

I’m sorry that I used you
To break the impact of my fall.
I fell into the chasm of his blue eyes
Imagining a plunge into the ocean;
I was so afraid of drowning
That I made you my lifesaver.

I’m sorry that I hung on to you
Squeezed the air right out of you,
I didn’t mean to drag you down,
Or drown you in saltwater teardrops.
I didn’t know how to swim, and you,
I needed you to stay afloat.

I’m sorry that your lungs are burning
From struggling to keep me floating,
And I’m sorry that your arms are tired
From holding me above the waves.
I’m sorry, and you deserve better,
Than being my life raft, left out on the water.

Hey, Knightly! I'm Madz, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

I’m sorry that I used you
To break the impact of my fall.
I fell into the chasm of his blue eyes,
Imagining a plunge into the ocean;
I was so afraid of drowning
That I made you my lifesaver.

I’m sorry that I hung on to you
Squeezed the air right out of you,
I didn’t mean to drag you down,
Or drown you in saltwater teardrops.
I didn’t know how to swim, and you,
I needed you to stay afloat. <-What? Reword, doesn't make sense. XD

I’m sorry that your lungs are burning
From struggling to keep me floating,
AndI’m sorry that your arms are tired
From holding me above the waves.
I’m sorry, and you deserve better,
Than being my life raft, left out on the water.

I'd also suggest rewording the fourth line of the first verse to:
I fell into the chasm of his blue eyes
Whilst picturing a plunge in the ocean;

And:
That I made you my lifesaversaviour

Because I think those changes will help with the flow of the poem to move forward. C:
But those changes are unnecessary if you don't feel that you like them.

That's all for today! I really quite liked it, too, and that you poster your inspiration for it. Not mayn YWSers do.
Keep writing!
-Maddy

Hi there! I love Snow Patrol. =]
I'm sorry, but while this is still a good poem, it's not the best that I've seen from you. I love your work and I do see the potential in this, so hopefully I can offer some help here. I find that the emotion in this seems a bit forced. The rhythm was off as well. You use some nice images, but I'm having trouble connecting with them.

That I made you my lifesaver.

I agree with Maddy; saviour would work better here. Lifesaver makes me think of the candy, and for some reason, it just doesn't seem to go.

Or drown you in saltwater teardrops.
I didn’t know how to swim, and you,
I needed you to stay afloat.

I've seen the phrase about saltwater tears too many times. Try to find something more original. As for those last two lines, the rhythm really doesn't work for me.

I’m sorry, and you deserve better,

Again, another overused phrase.

I do like the overall image I'm getting, however, of a churning ocean during a storm. This stays prevalent throughout your poem. But like I said, the rhythm and the emotion just wasn't there for me. I wasn't feeling it.
I do hope you edit this; you have so much talent.

This poem had some beautiful imagery, and you made clear what you were trying to put across. I do feel like it's forced in many places, and some of the lines just don't run onto each other as well as they could, which bugs me to nearly no end - the use of punctuation in general was alright, but as a suggestion for the future, when you're using enjambment, don't capitalize the first letter of the next line. I'm not saying do this for every case, but it can add a nice touch sometimes and make the poem feel more personal and flow more easily.

Wow, just wow!! I loved this poem it gave me chills of emotion. It was romantic, bueatiful, and a little eerie. It was well written! Good job