What I Think

Spoiler

This poem is from a boy'ss point of view. He is torn between his best friend and his girlfriend, who are fighting. Here, he is addressing his friend and trying to explain how he feels about the situation. It's my first shot at a dramatic poem, so I hope you enjoy.

What I Think

I thought I'd finally found some peace,
A solid, strong, unwavering friendship.
I thought the drama finally ceased.
I thought my past was over with it.

The three of us just got along.
We fit in so well with each other.
Nothing ever could go wrong
If I could be just like a brother.

But then envy rears its head,
Leaving my safe haven shattered.
You two find your friendship dead.
Ours at least is bruised and battered.

She means everything to me.
You know too well how much I love her.
I love you too, but differently.
Don't make me pick just you or her.

For still I think this storm will end.
Some day you will have reconciled.
Soon both your cold, proud views will bend,
Or has this hurricane been too wild?

I thought that I was finally safe,
From jealousy and judgement.
This pain has stained my soul like ink.
Who really cares just what I think?

Okay. This is good. But there's one thing: I don't really feel your pain, until the very end. I'm not much of an expert, but that's just my opinion. Other than that, I liked it. It kind of just made sense.

Hello!
I think this is pretty good for your first time at writing dramatic poetry. You did a good job with expressing the feeling that a boy might have, although some of it seemed a little too sentimental for a guy, but that just might be me. I also felt that the rhythm didn’t seem to flow naturally, it could just be the way I was reading it, it just seemed a bit irregular.

As for nitpicky things, I noticed used ended almost each line with a period. Just remember that you punctuate poetry just like you would prose (that's how I've been taught!), exceptions being when you want to pause in certain places that you wouldn’t normally for extra emphasis.
example:

The three of us just got along.
We fit in so well with each other.
Nothing ever could go wrong.
If I could be just like a brother. The last line is a dependend clause; it can't stand on its own.

Not every line needs some form of puncuation at the end.

But then envy rears it's its head.

I really enjoyed this piece. Thanks for giving me the oppurtunity to read it!


Joyce

Thanks for the reviews! I've edited the grammar, and later I'll look into the flow, the style, and anything else that needs work. Cheers!

I think this was a solid poem. I could see the speaker's pain. Reading it made me wonder what happened to him in his past. If I may make a few suggestions, though.
I said the poem was solid, but maybe it was too solid. Especially in a poem where the speaker's emotions are in such turmoil, I think you could have played around with the structure just a bit. The last stanza you deviated from the standard ABAB quatrain scheme a bit, and I liked it. I wanted more of that! It felt just a little too structured given the subject matter. I'm not asking for anything too crazy, but I definitely felt that you focused a little bit more on rhyming than the flow of the poem. My favorite stanza was the third, especially your use of "bruised and battered" to describe their friendship. Loved the alliteration; it really embodies the speaker's emotions and it "flows." I'll say again, I loved how that line flows, because in some parts of the poem that flow breaks off.
Namely in the fourth stanza. You used a lot of simple end rhyme in this poem that I put up with, but don't rhyme "her" with "her." It really threw me off. It almost felt like you couldn't find anything to rhyme so you just left it like that. Again, I'll say that if you have to choose between breaking the flow of the poem and breaking the rhyme scheme, it's usually best to break the rhyme scheme. Of course it's important, but don't let it govern the poem.

All that being said, please don't get discouraged. I love the emotion put forth in your poetry. I felt sorry for the speaker being put in such a bind, though I did think to myself he was overly feminine
Keep writing. I'd love to see you improve on the solid base you already have.

Hi!

I think this is a very good poem, you have a problem that the narrator's facing in it and you brough that across really well. You also threw in some rhyming in there, which was really good. Although the rhyme in it wasn't present all the time, but that's better than forced rhyme, in my opinion.

I do have one critique poem for this though, the poem felt rather stoic to me. It feels like the narrator is just telling us a story with no emotion. I think that no matter what you write, a little bit of emotion will always enhance it. For one, it helps us relates with the characters more and it's just more interesting. In your poem, I think you're lacking a little bit of emotion.

Overall, pretty solid poem with very good flow, puntuation was also good. I can tell what's happening in the poem and all that. I just think it lacks a little emotion. With poems and prose that tackles these kinds of topic, I find that the writer often includes the emotion and pain that the characters go through, which helps us, the readers relates to it better, which always make for a better story. I think that if you tweak this poem a little bit, it'll be really good.