Waiting Game

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There she goes again running five metres ahead of me. Her beanie pressed down against her blonde hair neatly tied in a ponytail. When she insisted for a jog at six in the evening around the neighbourhood, I knew she planned something against me.

If there was any good reason for this then it pointed to the fact that today was the third anniversary ever since I shave her head at a family camp. My twin had always been a heavy sleeper so never detected me cutting her hair with a pair of bright orange scissors.

We quickly stopped at the local nature reserve at the north eastern end of the suburb. She smiled at me when I arrived three minutes late with her white teeth smile just like in those advertisements. I mimicked her spotting a bulge in her left pocket.

“Just like old times,” I jumped over the gate when she said aloud. My shaded t-shirt imprinted with the words, I know what you’re looking at ,blended with the evening overcast than my sister’s blue orange blouse with the logo of Otago University by the collar.
“If you’re talking about our colour preferences then its spot on, sis.”
“I notice you cut your hair.” That was evidence number one. Alluding to my hair was a direct reference that this jog was more than exercise.
“You like it?” I pulled my beanie off. “Call it a memento for surviving the Big One.”
“That’s absurd.”
“Spot on and to commemorate its failure, I cut my hair and dyed the ends black. Exposes my neck doesn’t it?”
“Hmmmm Mmmmm,” I expected her to have a second reference about hair but I assume she was lying low. She’s playing innocent, avoiding any suspicion from me, while she secretly scheme every detail of her deluded plan in her mind.
“Remember when Jonathon had his first kiss here with Cousin Wilma. Little bugger took the whole family attention.”
‘Spot on, and that day was meant to be our 19th birthday.”
“Little bugger turned a reunion to a feud.”
“And remember when dad hid his PS2 for five months as punishment.”
“What about Cousin Wilma,”
‘Probably gotten herself a real partner,’

Iclisa chuckled. I quickly gaze at her in case she was looking at me at the same time. I mustn’t let my guard down. My hair is at stake. Around me the reserve is silent almost haunting despite the abundance of greenery. It must be the birds because the place haven’t change ever since we had celebrated my- I mean our- 19th birthday. It was still the same old reserve that had a similar atmosphere with the movie Blair Witch that I watch recently, much more when the birds are gone for the winter. They’re usually busy chirping, pecking, and searching for food. Without them, something paranormal would occur at this very reserve which was why it was a good reason to bring my camera along.

"I'm going exploring, want to come?"
"Soon," That was all I had answered, as she went off.

Just In case

That was all I had in mind circling the reserve avoiding a path leading downwards to the main road. It was after all a waiting game. That’s what my sister's whole scheme was all about. If she were to admit defeat, then I can do anything with her but if I were to fail, and enter that path then I would say goodbye to my hair. Even so, I had my own defence in the form of our childhood toy named Ms. Chuckles. If she were to ambush me then it’s goodbye to the penguin.

Yet If I were to choose between the penguin and waiting for her to admit defeat then it’s the latter. It wasn't at all fruitless. I found the remnants of the family picnic, a wooden doll hung by the neck. No one seemed to get it out. Too depressing. It was like those nests the crew found in the Blair Witch. Fifteen metres away from it, I found the spot where that little runt had his first kiss, Wilma's blue ribbons tied to the base of a tree. Teenage angst and being with Cousin Wilma may have played a major role for this incident. Even today he prefers relatives rather complete strangers. I wonder which one of us, he liked most. That runt needs a life.

I heard the soft break of dried leaves from behind. It’s her. She had admitted, and all it took was half an hour of doing nothing. She must have gotten impatient that her well schemed planned couldn't occur. I wonder what shall do with her. Maybe force her to have a date with the little runt. Oh boy, that would seriously work. I can't wait the look of her eyes.

False Alarm. Great, it wasn't her, so much for the date. It was just a guy walking his Labrador...with its head unusually shaved. Talk about kitsch. When was the later time I saw a head-shaven dog. That must be evidence number two. Iclisa had been given permission to shave the guy's dog. It now makes sense why she took this long. She was practicing. This was serious. I wanted to ask the guy who really had done it until I read his t-shirt, Don’t even dare.

Five minutes rolled, and no sign of her. My sister was really serious avoiding that date with the little runt. Across the road was an abandoned house that we usually hang out during our collage days. It’s in private property but who cares. As if the owner would set up security cameras to sue two teenage girls trespassing. Even if they did, it’s more likely they want to videotape something supernatural. Maybe she’s there. It’s possible but I won’t take any chances going down that path only to be knocked unconscious by my twin with a rock.

I watched a man entering a reserve with a lad probably about my age dressed in a blue orange hoodie with a picture of a bear in a wheelchair. They were oddly quiet taking turns biting a bun. They gave a moment to turn their heads at me, and both nodded- It must be a gentleman thing- before they turned their attention to the bun, twisting it 360 degrees at every bite.

Half an hour slowly crept. It was nearing half past seven. I was getting cold, hungry and yet there was no sign of my sister. Maybe she went home, and enjoyed a warm dinner with the family. Unlikely, I there was one thing I knew of my twin it is that she is committed in defeating me at any game. That is our sibling rivalry, and at this little game of waiting, she was still around waiting to express her revenge against me. For my part, I have to do the same waiting for the right moment to express victory for the failure of my twin’s plot, and the full possession of Ms. Chuckles.

Spoiler
Oh, i forget, just for info's sake. The Big One talk here is about some guy who predicted an earthquake in our city back at February. never really happen.
Last edited by cannoncomplex on Wed Jul 13, 2011 3:41 am, edited 1 time in total.
Lain Iwakura: If you're not remembered, then you never existed.




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That was really good! I loved how paranoid she was and nothing happened. You built up the climax pretty good and then just let it fall. I only have a few suggestions. First of all, you said "Spot on" twice, and I don't know if you want to change that, but it could be repetative. Also, in the sentance "What about Cousin Wilma,” you should have a question mark at the end. I think that was it. Great Job!!!
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Great story. However, I noticed in the final paragraph, your opening to a sentence was "Unlikey, I there was". Other than that , it was great. I also wonder if the revenge actually did happen. Perhaps the revenge was just leaving the sister there without notice. It sounds like something I'd do to my siblings anyway.
No one ever said I can't be me... Well except for my eighth-grade class, but hey. No one ever gives a darn about what they say anyway.




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Hey and thanks for requesting a review,

You asked me to comment on characters, plot, and style, but first I'll pick out some grammar mistakes :)

Her beanie

Just a question, what's a beanie?

I shave her head at a family camp.

Shave should be shaved because this is in past tense.

My twin had always been a heavy sleeper so never detected me cutting her hair with a pair of bright orange scissors.

I think this sentence would make more sense if you added the word she after so.

“Just like old times,” I jumped over the gate when she said aloud.

The comma after times should be a period, and I'm not quiet sure what you mean when you say, she said aloud.

My shaded t-shirt imprinted with the words, I know what you’re looking at ,blended with the evening overcast than my sister’s blue orange blouse with the logo of Otago University by the collar.

Does his shirt blend with the overcast and his sister's blouse? This sentence structure is a little confusing.

I expected her to have a second reference about hair but I assume she was lying low.

There should be a comma after hair.

Plot point: This beginning is very confusing, and I am not sure what's going on. I know you want it to be mysterious to us, but it's making me not want to read it.

She’s playing innocent, avoiding any suspicion from me, while she secretly scheme every detail of her deluded plan in her mind.

It should be schemes

‘Spot on, and that day was meant to be our 19th birthday.”

Typo: The first quotation mark should be "

“What about Cousin Wilma,”

The comma should be a question mark

‘Probably gotten herself a real partner,’

Typo: The quotation makrs should look like this: "

Iclisa chuckled.

Is that name suppose to be spelled that way?

I mustn’t let my guard down. My hair is at stake.

This whole thing is about him cutting his sister's hair when they were younger. I don't feel like I would go at great lengths to cut my brother's hair in return, or wait three years to do it, either.

It must be the birds because the place haven’t change ever since we had celebrated my- I mean our- 19th birthday.

Change should be changed. Be careful of your tenses. Part of your story is in present tense and some of it is in past tense. Make sure it's all the same tense. Also, the dashes around I mean our should be commas.

Just In case

Just in case what? This doesn't seem right to just be left like this.

If she were to admit defeat, then I can do anything with her but if I were to fail, and enter that path then I would say goodbye to my hair.

There should be a comma after her.

Yet If I were to choose between the penguin and waiting for her to admit defeat then it’s the latter.

There should be a comma after yet because it's a conjunction. Typically, you don't start sentences with conjunctions, so if you can just take away the word yet.

Too depressing. It was like those nests the crew found in the Blair Witch.

Too depressing is not a complete sentence by itself, so replace the period after depressing and lower case the I in it.

Plot point: So far, I still do not understand what is going on in this story, and I do not know why your main character keeps referencing to the movie Blair Witch.

I wonder what shall do with her.

The word I should be added after what.

Maybe force her to have a date with the little runt. Oh boy, that would seriously work.

maybe force her to have a date with the little runt isn't a complete sentence, so replace the period after runt with a comma and lower case the o in oh.

False Alarm. Great, it wasn't her, so much for the date.

False alarm isn't a full sentence, and the a in alarm should be lowercased.

It was just a guy walking his Labrador...with its head unusually shaved.

The ... should be a comma, and there should be an apostrophe in it's.

Plot Question: I thought his sister was already with him?

Talk about kitsch.

This is not a complete sentence and what is kitsch?

My sister was really serious avoiding that date with the little runt.

Serious should be seriously, and I am really confused... I thought it was just an idea he had to make his sister go out with the runt.

Across the road was an abandoned house that we usually hang out during our collage days.

It should be hung or hanged not hang. Watch out for switching tenses.

It’s in private property but who cares. As if the owner would set up security cameras to sue two teenage girls trespassing.

Replace the period after cares with a comma and lower case the a in as. I totally thought we were talking about a brother and a sister.

It’s possible but I won’t take any chances going down that path only to be knocked unconscious by my twin with a rock.

Why would she do that, and there should be a comma after possible.

They gave a moment to turn their heads at me, and both nodded- It must be a gentleman thing- before they turned their attention to the bun, twisting it 360 degrees at every bite.

The dashes should be commas and the i in it should be lowercased.

Half an hour slowly crept. It was nearing half past seven.

Half an hour is not a complete sentence, replace the period after crept with a comma and lower case the i in it.

Unlikely, I there was one thing I knew of my twin it is that she is committed in defeating me at any game.

The word knew should be added after I.

Okay, I'm not really sure what this story is about, so I don't know what to say about plot. I know it's between two sisters and their fued, but any other content is lost upon me. Is the sister a ghost? I'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say. I hope this helped. If you have any questions or need another review fee free to ask.

Have a great day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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There she goes again(comma?) running five metres ahead of me. Her beanie pressed down against her blonde hair (that was?) neatly tied in a ponytail. When she insisted for a (for me to jog with her?) jog at six in the evening around the neighbourhood, I knew she planned something against me.

If there was any good reason for this then it pointed to the fact that today was the third anniversary ever since I shave her head at a family camp(ing trip?) (oh, come on, the offensive joke is right there). My twin had always been a heavy sleeper so (she) never detected me cutting her hair with a pair of bright orange scissors. (I don't really care about the colour of the scissors)

We quickly stopped at the local nature reserve at the north eastern end of the suburb. She smiled at me when I arrived three minutes late(r than her?) with her white teeth(y?) smile just like in those (remove "those") advertisements. I mimicked her(comma, then I spotted?) spotting a bulge in her left pocket.

“Just like old times,” I jumped over the gate when she said aloud (would be better said "when she said this aloud, I jumped over the gate" or something of the like). My shaded (how can a T-shirt be shaded?) t-shirt imprinted with the words, I know what you’re looking at , (that's a quote, so where are the marks?) blended (better?) with the evening overcast than my sister’s blue (and?) orange blouse with the logo of Otago University by the collar.

“If you’re talking about our colour preferences then its spot on, sis.” (who said this? Also, why did they say that?)

“I notice(d) you cut your hair.” That was evidence number one. Alluding to my hair was a direct reference that this jog was more than exercise.

“You like it?” I pulled my beanie off. “Call it a memento for surviving the Big One.”

“That’s absurd.” (Why is it absurd?)

“Spot on and to commemorate its failure, I cut my hair and dyed the ends black. Exposes my neck(comma) doesn’t it?” (No, seriously, why is it absurd?)

“Hmmmm Mmmmm,” I expected her to have a second reference about hair but I assume she was lying low (lying low is not what she's doing; lying low implies she isn't physically coming out in the open). She’s playing innocent, avoiding any suspicion from me, while she secretly scheme every detail of her deluded plan in her mind. (italics for thoughts?)

“Remember when Jonathon had his first kiss here with Cousin Wilma.(this is a question, so that should be a question mark) Little bugger took the whole family attention.”

<- not a quote Spot on, and that day was meant to be our 19th birthday.” (Wait, they are how old? Doing this silliness?)

“Little bugger turned a reunion to a feud.”

“And remember when dad hid his PS2 for five months as punishment.(Again, this is a question)

“What about Cousin Wilma,” (Another question, with a random comma instead of a period at the end)

‘Probably gotten herself a real partner,’ (Now you're just messing with me. Those are not quotes around the quote, and there's a comma at the end instead of a period.)


*Does his best GlaDOS impersonation*: Please remember, the Young Writers Society is NOT your personal editing service. You are expected to have edited your writing several times before asking the Young Writers Society to review your work. Thank you for your co-operation. Now, please go back to the recovery annex for your cake.

All Portal jokes aside, seriously. Your grammar was above par, and I'd imagine your writing is, too. This is just low effort. The mistakes you made: missing words, many missing commas, many commas used instead of periods, many apostrophes used instead of quotes, a few wording adjustments that are needed, a lack of dialogue tags, and more. They are all signs of a rushed, unedited manuscript. I am not going to edit any more than I did above.

However, I did read the rest of your piece. Your wording was (usually) very good, with a strong sense of grammar. Your plot is also very good, and does not need to be changed one bit. The examples you gave me were marvelous. Edited, this would have been the best work I have ever read on here.

Print this baby out and get yourself a pencil: you are going to have a lot of marks to make. However, when that's done, this story will be great. If only it was readable in it's current state.

Keep at it,
~Joe
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