Nightshade Chapter 1

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Hi everyone. This is the first chapter of my novel. I started writing this in fourth grade, and finished it a year ago. I'll be posting more stuff later. Promise! Please leave feedback! This is my first novel! If you want to see more, check out my blog at
http://yura-tales.blogspot.com/


By Phoenix

Prologue

It didn’t start out as I expected. None of us knew what would happen, for that matter ... but I’m forgetting myself- like always. Although I’m the story’s teller, I am not the main character. In fact, I barely took part. To keep my part in this tale and make sure I was not forgotten, I paraphrased an old history document. But let me explain first where I’m taking you. This all happened in the country of Yura. Yura is a single land split into several different realms. These realms include humans, sorcerers (some are awfully mean!), elves, and fairies. And for a while, peace reigned. But not for long.
I am not mentioning that one ten thousand years ago, when there was a large business enterprise involving those from Earth. But you ought to know anyways, since that is how this whole mess started in the first place. I’m going to start the historical stuff now.

Our world consists of four different planes, rather in the shape of a disconnected window frame. Yura (our home) is on top. However, there are other creatures and beings that live on those sides which hang vertically and survive by magical means. Their magic capability is much stronger than those who live in Yura. There is also that bottom edge, which hangs upside down … but we don’t discuss what is down there. For we don’t know.
In the middle of our world is a round ball. It is rather large, and touches only the top plane. It is transparent, and therefore, invisible to most. That is Earth. Again, it is on a different dimension and is very difficult to access, from Earth to us, or us to Earth. It also is very difficult to perceive. But the area where Earth and Yura connect is subject to very violent earthquakes on Earth, otherwise known as San Andreas Fault. Where Earth touches us is a place called Witch’s Canyon.

Long ago, many eons ago, some on Earth had discovered a way to gain access to Yura by means of a portal. That portal was used to cross onto our plane. They had many armies trying to invade Yura, their main purpose was to gain more land. Again, they looked rather like Yura’s humans. That’s what fooled us all and gave them the advantage. Long battles followed their horrible footsteps. But the great wizard, Eurchess, drove them out. Eurchess had had enough and forced them back through the portal and sealed it. Only those from Earth who would help Yura would be able to open and find the portal. But that’s a story for another day.

However, they forgot their general’s copy of one book. A tactic book. The Art of Warfare was left behind. When Eurchess discovered the book lying in the humans’ trail, he saw that to keep it safe from humans, he would let the elven leader keep it for safe keeping, and use it in case the people from Earth came back.
Finally! This is where I come in! Your narrator. That historical telling was pretty bland, but it is slightly relevant. Sorry. Back on topic …

The sad thing is that most humans are different.

Dung! I broke the quill! Now that the pen's broken, ink's splattered all in my mouth! I wish I had hands sometimes...you know how hard it is to write with your mouth?!

Sorry. I totally interrupted myself. Back to history.

All three human kingdoms; Easterner Aarchen, Western Lenain, and Southern Menelays are no different from any other human realm. And the way people settle those differences are through war. It doesn’t matter where that human is from-Yura, Earth- War is infectious. Soon it spread to every corner of the country. None could escape it. Not even elves and fairies. That was when the Cyrus came to take over.

Before I properly knew David, I thought he was just a simple boy. Instead, he aided the princess settle her problems with the Cyrus, for both their sakes.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Oh … I still remember the sights of David’s and the princess’s faces even now … so many years afterwards. David said that it was ridiculous to write about this, but soon, he swallowed his words when the princess said it was a good idea. So, right now, this is like: In your face, David!

Now … where to begin? Oh yes. My name is Starlight. And I forgot. I’m a horse. Just thought you should know that.



Chapter 1: The Beginning


He heard the clip clop of horses approaching his home and got out of bed. After shrugging on a pitifully thin jacket, he rushed out in the snow. His threadbare shoes barely provided his feet enough warmth from the hard frostbite in the cold Aarchen winter. The boy shivered. The cold bit into his skin like a serpent, and burned like venom.

Although he could have sworn he had heard horses, he didn’t see anyone or anything in sight. To make sure, he turned three-hundred and sixty degrees right then and there. Just then, his mother came running towards him. David rushed to her side.

“Mother!” he shouted. “Go back inside! You’re not supposed to be out here! Go back in the house where it’s warm.” Under normal circumstances, he would not have used such a harsh tone with his mother. However, since his father left, he and his mother had been left with nothing. He couldn’t lose the only family he had left. She had to get inside. Her health condition would get worse soon. For all he knew, her lungs could paralyze right where she stood.

“David! It’s not as if I’m about to fall and die right now.” She smiled. Her twinkling eyes showed she was joking, but David knew this was no trivial matter. For all they knew, her condition could come over her, and she could “fall and die.”
“The Kan’s officer has come! He needs lodgings for the night. Could you prepare him a room in the lodge?” his mother called back to him. She started to rasp and shake violently, coughing all the while. David nudged her to the door and guided her towards the hearth. At this moment, he could care less for their king, the Kan, or his officer.

“Don’t worry, mother. I’ll see to the inn and the officer.” As soon as David went back outside, his entire surroundings, gentle hills, glittering streams, had all been coated with a thick layer of ice and snow. The blizzard around him was still going at full force, and it was difficult to see anything not a few feet away. Underneath the beauty, however, promised a chilling menace. David pulled his clothes closer together as his arms searched for warmth, and finding none. Soon, a dark man rode towards David, a misty outline at first, and then his few companions followed. David’s eyes strayed towards the hardened men and couldn’t help but admire them. Their eyes told countless stories of battles- but also of comradeship. David could see it in their eyes. One of the men caught David's gaze and looked away hurriedly.

But soon, the stallion the officer rode on caught his attention. Its blue-gray body glistened with sweat. The stallion tossed its head and its well-groomed mane rippled in the winter wind. The dark eyes that shimmered from beneath those dark horse lashes shone with intelligence. This was no ordinary horse with a star on its head. Its eyes were too intelligent to be any regular animal. It was an Alphian Horse.

He had learned about these types of horses from the many books he had read. At the local school, his classmates laughed at him for his “witchy” eyes. They feared him, and somehow David could feel as though they knew his secret about his eyes... Though he counted as one of the richer boys in the village, he was at the bottom of the social class standing. His classmates also mocked and jeered at his thirst of knowledge, saying that he, being an innkeeper, had no need to learn about magic and fantastical creatures. But David begged to differ. He knew that knowledge was power. In response to his beliefs, David studied hard, in school and out. He had even gone through all his library’s books a few times, not that there were many for peasants. Only his best friend, Chris, didn’t laugh at him. David often felt twinges of regret that the one classmate loyal to him had to be dragged to the level of mocking and teasing he himself had to endure.

It was going to be a long time before he saw Chris again. The local school had just gone for break the day before. He sighed. He continued to look into the horse’s inky black eyes. David had read that these creatures could talk too. Was it true?

“Please prepare us your finest rooms as fast as you are able,” David was awakened from his reverie and swiftly nodded to the man who rode on the horse. As he turned around, the officer started speaking.

“How old are you?” asked the officer. He did not look unkind. His eyes had crinkles around them, and his mouth was in a friendly smile. David paused dumbly.

“Thirteen.” David answered, looking down, as courtesy dictated when communicating with betters.

“My son is around your age, boy. He’s still back home…” the Kan’s officer looked blankly and off in the distance, and David could see a sandy blonde youth grinning widely through the officer's eyes. The officer broke his reverie. “What is your name, boy?” David started to feel his hands become sweaty, even though the temperature was well below freezing. He felt uncomfortable keeping up conversation with a stranger.

“Um ... My name?” he asked feebly. The officer nodded.
“David. It’s David.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was cleaning up the last trays of food when he heard the men and their officer break out in raucous laughter. His mother had already gone to bed. His father leaving when he was seven had really taken a toll on her health. Her well-being, health, and happiness sank lower after using the last of her dowry to open up this inn for her and her son to survive. Many people in the village scoffed at her strength, and mocked her behind her back for not having a man by her side to manage affairs. They did not think back of when David's mother wore fine dresses of silk, fleece scarfs for her neck, and much money in her pockets when she still had her husband to rely on for income. Many of the men in the village always had their eyes on her business. Proposals had been a daily ritual for a while. Until her health further deteriorated. Her health issues were costly.

His mother had refused to tell him why his father left him. He was only seven at that time. All she had said was that it was simply the life his father wanted. David had loved his father, and it hurt to think about him. Now, he struggled to remember his father’s face. Why did he have to leave his son behind? Couldn’t he have stayed? His cleaning got abruptly louder as he banged a plate after plate, after spoon after fork against the wooden table in his bitterness.

“Keep eh down, will ye?” yelled one of the men. It was just David alone with the officer and his companions. David thought it strange to not have noticed the sharp noise coming from one table. The oaken room made of log upon log was usually a place of jolly exuberance as men drank their ale, children played by the fire, and women exchanged gossip. David was glad the gossips weren’t here. More superstitious talk from them and more rumors they’d spread. More rumors about his "witchy eyes."

“I’m sorry, sir, beg your pardon, sir,” David replied meekly, his eyes downcast.

“Don’t pick on the poor boy, Robert. Can’t you see?” the Kan’s officer chided, much like a father. The high ranking official continued to whisper to his companion until his friend started to calm down. David tried to hear what they were saying, but their tones were just too low and too deep to be heard clearly. He saw the Kan’s officer point at him and his friend’s face break into incredulity.

“Him?” the man whispered loudly.

“Aye, keep your voice down. That’s Harold’s son, alright. He’s his father in miniature. I would know. His old man and I were like kin before he got demoted. We all remember how he got demoted when he spoke against the Kan…” his head bowed down. He continued slowly, “He was a great general, a great man. Although I don’t know what to say for him now that he’s left his family. I just don’t see Harold doing that. He was always the embodiment of vengeance, but I know he prized his family above all else.”

David, though touched, didn’t think the part of “prized them above all else” was quite accurate. If anything, the pain inside him was worse because it was just the opposite. If his father really did care, then why did he leave?

“But Harold did just that.” Robert whispered under the cover of their other two companions, who were disturbingly drunk with the inn’s mead.

David leaned in close to listen, under pretense of wiping the table next to theirs.

“Yes. Any ‘ow, officer, did you ‘ear about the Lenain’s king? Murdered. Right in his own bed. I think the Ellenar clans did it.”

“Really?” he was stroking his beard thoughtfully. “Says who?”

“Says that wise woman. I forgot her name, but apparently the elves ‘ave been doing things to some of the other kingdom’s royals too. There’s a missin’ princess in the southern Menelays’ kingdom. She’s your niece’s friend- the one with the butterfly birthmark.”

“Oh, yes. Mya. What a pity.... Are you sure there’s no one who can do anything about it? Did the Ellenar clans really do it?”

“Of course the elves did it. I’m guessing all of the plotters did it together.”

“But under whom? Under which ruler? The Wolf Clan’s rulers are dead, and their daughter is too young to lead.” The officer than muttered so softly David had to strain his ears. “No one knows how their deaths happened, though.”

“How wha’ happened, sir?” Apparently, Robert hadn’t caught his officer’s words. Robert, he could see, had been seriously wounded. The bandage around his head, his bouncing together of different topics, and not-so-good hearing made the truth all too obvious. The training ranks had had a young, too enthusiastic youth who had wanted one more blow to the already ended fight. From Robert’s eyes, the story was very clear.

“The rulers’ deaths. Both of them at once. Don’t you think it a little fishy?”

“Maybe a little, bu’ the elves are pesky people. Disliked ‘em. Always ‘ave.”

“With no one to unite them,” the officer continued thoughtfully, “will they try and conquer the Northern Wolf Clan?”

“Don’t know, don’t care, do I?” Robert stated. “I don’t want any’ing to do wih’ em.” Robert’s pale skin flushed red.

“Maybe you don’t care about them. However, I think this is something we cannot blame on the elves. We took much of their land away from them, but if they were to exact revenge, why on those particular royalty? There are still other heirs to the throne,” The officer said, contemplating the situation. However, his thoughts were interrupted when his friend whispered,

“I know this ‘as nothin’ to do with it,” he paused, covertly looking at eavesdropping David, who turned away quickly, “but the kid knows that his father is trying to take the Kan’s throne, right?”

The officer shook his head. His grey eyes had a faraway look that seemed to give the impression he was lost at sea. David didn’t know what to make of it. Was it true his father had left him for power?

“Now, if that’s the case,” Robert continued, “who’s gonna support the man?”

“His old men. They still support him. Before he left, they were talking of mutiny against Aarchen. Without someone familiar to guide them, they’re starting to panic.”

“But wha’ abou’ Eurchess?” David had heard that name before.

“That wizard hasn’t been seen for centuries now. Surely he’s dead.”

“But ‘e did create this land for us. He may not ‘ave created life, but he’s someone not to mess with.”

“Harold wouldn’t care about something like that. He thinks he’s dead too. If he thought there might be the slightest chance Eurchess still lived, he wouldn’t have dared killed so many people, for fear of retribution. You know Eurchess punished the wrongdoers.” David leaned in even closer to listen in. But, to his utter horror and surprise, the officer turned around, looking at him in the eye. He didn’t look angry in the least, and might have looked almost compassionate if it weren’t for the old battle scar above his right eye, which was spoiling the effect.

“Umm … don’t mind me, sir.... I was just cleaning up.” David lied. But all he saw in the man’s gaze was the most heartfelt pity.

“Oh, we aren’t bothered by you in the least. Continue, please. By all means…” and as David turned away, the officer continued suddenly, taking David by surprise. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, David, but your father is a good man. And nothing will change that.”

David found his throat tighten. He tried to say something, but his voice seemed to have deserted him. Instead, he simply nodded. The nod appeared enough for the officer, but then, he heard a shout.

“Hey! Boy! Change my bed sheets! You call this presentable? You call this clean? Get up here now, or you’ll lose one more customer and…” Oh great … thought David.

“I better go … sir,” David said, hastily.

“Of course. Remember what I said.” David looked long and hard at the middle-aged man, and made an effort to remember his face. This was a man who knew his father. Maybe he knew him well enough to … what if he knew where his father was? David shook the ridiculous idea from his head. There was no trace of such knowledge in the man’s eyes. He imagined searching high and low. He thought how childish it would be to wish his father would return home. He went to check on the angry guest and silently wished for another chance to talk to his father’s old friend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David was happy to get into his cot. He peered across the hall and peeked into his mother’s room. She seemed to be breathing peacefully.

That irate tenant had complained about things like the bath water’s temperature (was it truly “cold” after he had heated
it over the fire for an hour?), and the “filthy” floor. When David knew better, dark thoughts started to seep into his head. David sometimes wondered about his naivety. He couldn’t stop evil things spreading to his mind sometimes. Sometimes … he just lost control. He hit his cot frame before he started to breathe slowly and calmly. Okay … calm down, David. He thought.

He turned around abruptly. Did he hear a cough across the hall? He scrambled across to his mother’s bedchamber. He opened the door. His mother … his mother-!

Her chest was heaving from the effort of repeatedly coughing- and she kept spitting out blood. Her lungs had frozen again. David rushed to her side. He pushed away the furniture that obstructed his way to his mother and hurriedly snatched their thickest blankets from the cupboard…. His hands were shaking so badly that he was afraid that he would take too long. But his fingers lingered on a bright green one.

And that blanket was made of the precious silk produced by the elves in the northern Wolf Clan. His mother had told him never to take it out in case they soiled it, but without its magical properties of warmth, David was sure her condition would worsen. He wrapped it around his mother, and he hugged her close so he could share his body heat with her. She finally was able to rasp out,

“Put that blanket back … David….” he ignored her. He just ran to his room to get his comforter. When he came back, he saw that his mother had thrown off the precious blanket and was staring at it, its soft material brushing against her hands. “Your father gave this to me … when we first met…he didn’t know me then, but … he wanted me to have it.” Her eyes looked far away.

“Mother! Put it-”

“He promised me he would never leave me….”

“Mother! Put the blanket on! Are you getting the chills? Are your muscles aching? How’s your throat? What about your condition? Lay down awhile. Mother … let me go brew some tea.”

“Your father always used to make me tea, and he would always give me his hand … and he would say,” David was afraid his mother had become delirious.

“You wait here- and don’t throw the blankets off.” He commanded.

“- he used to say that he would do anything for me. He always told me how much he loved me….” there was no question about it. David felt her forehead and felt it burn underneath his hand. It seemed so scalding hot that David wondered how she was still here. The strange freezing of her lungs seemed to have the side effects of fever. She started to gurgle; a sound that many say is the person’s call to the gods that they will be joining them shortly.

“Mother- I’ll be right back!” he ran downstairs, his loud footsteps disturbing many of the guests. He wrenched open drawers, pulled cupboards open. It was all in vain. Where had it gone?! Finally, he looked in the kitchen, and his mother’s medicine was nowhere in sight.

“Please! Is anyone here a doctor?!” he yelled. He heard his voice crack in his desperation. Under normal circumstances, he would not have screamed for anyone’s help, but this was not normal circumstances. Never had a situation ever been so dire.
The man in room 3 poked his head out his door.
“Stop your shouting and I’ll attend to your mother, boy!” David felt relief rush into his chest and had to restrain himself from embracing the grouch.

“Now, where is she?” David ran to his mother’s room with the man following close on his heels.
His mother’s face was deathly pale, and the doctor pulled out some herbs from a small container and said,
“Brew some water. That medicine you were searching for was no good.”

“What?!” David exclaimed.

“I threw it out.”

“But- that medicine was for my mother’s condition!” David exclaimed angrily.

“No … that so-called medicine you were using only keeps back the paralysis fits but also saps her strength. I have better, long-lasting remedies here,” the guest said, reaching into his pouch at his side. His pepper colored beard, speckled with traces of black and white, surrounded a serious mouth offset by a sharp, hawkish nose. The eyes were something strange. Never had David seen more pain. It was obvious that the man had hidden the painful memories far behind him. But there was a shrewdness in those eyes David wasn’t sure he could trust just yet.

“How do I know you’re not-”

“Not trying to cheat you and sell you this?” the guest had guessed David’s thoughts exactly.

“Yes….”

“Here’s my paper of credentials, and I’m doing this for free as long as I can stay in this inn,” the man held up some official looking papers, and after David looked at them thoroughly and seeing the seal of red wax (he wanted to make sure his mother’s health wasn’t at stake with this man), he went to brew the water the man had asked for.

The doctor set to work. He motioned for David to give him the water. The teenager watched as the medicine man put some herbs in the water and dripped it little by little into his mother’s mouth.

“I’ll watch her for the night. Get your rest, boy.” But when David looked at him cautiously and carefully, the guest said, “you can trust me.”

“You’ll watch her?” David asked.

“With my life, I’ll keep her safe.” After a moment’s consideration, David silently consented.

“How much do you want?” he asked. He thought about how much he and his mother could spare from their money jar.

“Remember, boy? As long as you shut your mouth for the rest of the night and I get to stay here, I won’t charge anything. Don’t you remember my saying so earlier?” the man asked irritably.

“I now recall. Thank you kindly, sir.” David went to his room and sat down on his cot.

“Strange … this poison has tried repeatedly to paralyze her lungs … it sounds like that enhanced poison I’ve heard of far off to the north…something that was evolved from a garden weed,” the guest muttered to himself.

As David reached for his covers when he got to his bed, the boy remembered that he didn’t have any covers, since he had given them to his mother. Oh well.

He settled down and his last thought was how grateful he was that the irritable guest in room 3 was so kindhearted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Officer! Officer!” the Kan’s officer woke up with a start, realizing he had dozed off while drinking his mead. He looked into the fair face of the messenger in front of him. The messengers usually were young boys sent from the Kan’s palace. If a messenger was sent this late in the night to find him, it must have been somewhat of great consequence.

“Yes, m’lad?”

“The Lenain…. We just got the message a few hours ago. They’ve declared war on us.” At that, the officer sat up abruptly, although a little too suddenly. Although his head was spinning from the mead he had drunk, he was still aware enough and cautious enough to know what was going on, even if his wine sodden friends weren’t.

“Why? How could this be happening?”

“The wise woman said she was wrong. The elves didn’t kill their king. Now she’s saying that we killed their king. They’ve already left their capital and are coming east towards us.”

For a moment, everything froze. Then the officer stood up tall, and shouted,

“To arms! To arms!” his friend looked sleepily up at him.

“Wha’s goin on? You mental?” Robert muttered weakly.

“The Lenain are declaring war on us. We need to take up our arms and send for reinforcements! For Aarchen!”

“I have orders from Oppol that require you to go to there. This is the first town the Lenain will come across. They’ll burn this place to the ground!”

“Are you proposing we leave for the capital and leave all these innocent people to die?! They’re simple country folk! They wouldn’t stand a chance- even with the few pitchforks they have! I’m not standing for it. If you all want to leave and save yourselves, go ahead. I can’t leave my countrymen to die whilst I run.” The officer cried, belligerently.

“The Kan strictly told me to summon you to the capital. Immediately. The Lenain want you for information. They’ll capture you.”

“I’m not going.”

“You must!”

“I won’t let them capture me. Even if they kill me, I’ll make sure I take as many of them with me as I can.”

“And I will too!” his friend said, standing up.

“This is against the Kan’s orders, punishable-” the messenger began.

“-by death, we know. But that’s not changing me mind now, is it?” Robert called, a challenge in his voice.

“Sirs! Please! You will get run over by those barbarians! You must come with me.” The messenger pleaded. Without these knights and brilliant tactician of an officer, Aarchen would surely be lost.

“No matter…. I’m staying. There’s nothing you can say to stop me!” the officer cried. Then he continued quietly, “As my dying wish, let the Kan forgive me and care for my family.”

The messenger got on his horse, and nodded. “I understand.”

No one said a word. The knights and officer gravely stood there and awaited their hideous fate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“NO!” David screamed. He sat up in bed so abruptly that his head began to spin. His mother couldn’t have died … it was only a dream. He got up from his cot, and tried to rub some life in his cold arms, now numb with the chilly air. He started to take some calming breaths. But as he inhaled a deep mouthful of air for the third time, he smelled smoke. He ran to his mother’s room, only to find her and the doctor gone. He found a note hastily scribbled by his mother’s bed’s side. It said:

David,
The doctor is going to take to me to somewhere safe. Don’t worry about me. Now you won’t have me burdening you…. Find your father. He’s the only one who can stop this mess. And tell him I’m home. He’ll understand.
Now, the doctor has some words for you. Remember David, I will always, always love you and think of you everyday.
Love,
Mother

Boy,
I’ll keep your mother safe, just like I promised. After all this is sorted out, we’ll all meet again. I also give you another promise that I will not break: I will make sure that your mother’s partially paralyzed lungs don’t get worse- in fact with this remedy, it should take away some of her pain. That’s it for now. I regret my earlier behavior. So long. When next we meet.
Sincerely,
Dr. Herri


David didn’t know what to say. If he found his father, everything would be sorted out?! What did that mean?
It was already overwhelming to have found out his father was in the process of usurping the throne, but to find out that he had to find him? No, no, no…. He hadn’t the faintest clue where to start.

He felt resentment and anger flare up inside of him. The rage that flowed through him seemed to course through his veins like fire. The hate seemed to burn like acrid smoke, burning out his sense. The resentment twisted his insides with pain and fury. His mind was clouded with screaming rage.

He tried calming himself down. He couldn’t get out of control.
His father left him. Left him. Now he was supposed to find him? If he hadn’t left in the first place, if he had just cared about family, if-

David couldn’t bear to think of the next words. But a little voice in his head wormed its way to his ear:
“You are dirt in your father’s eyes. No wonder he left you. Left you and your mother to die on the streets. Not even leaving you a penny. You call this man father? Find him. Then, prove to him that he is nothing. Slit his throat for good measure.”

Stop! He tried telling himself. No son should have to kill his father.

Suddenly, one of the wooden beams in the roof came crashing down, breaking through the many floors of the inn. David ran out, down the flights of stairs.

The inn roof was smoking as red tongues of flame wrapped around the timber of the inn. He tried to go farther, but the stairs were already engulfed in flames and there was no escape. The flame’s rasping breath threatened to burn David as its smoke entered David’s eyes and made him cough. He ran for room 3, knowing it had a window. He opened the window latch and poked his face out. Although it was supposed to be bitterly freezing, all David could feel was heat as the flame’s smoke reached his eyes. He looked down. It was a long way….

He heard screaming downstairs and heard the clanging of swords and weapons. At that moment, an earsplitting whinny broke the silence. He slipped through the window and jumped out.

Two flights is quite a ways, and David found out the hard way as he hit the compacted earth. He rolled and tumbled, slipped and fell, as the inn around him burned like a beacon of light. He heard screaming of terrified guests as they ran out the doors to the outside. But David saw that they were instantly captured by the waiting Lenain forces, or else they were slaughtered. As the Lenains’s golden skin shone in the firelight, he felt a rush of hatred for those men and wished that they were the ones who were dying.

The houseguests didn’t do any wrong to them. Why? Why were they treated like this? It was too much to bear. He ran away from the suffering, away from where he couldn’t hear the screaming. Inside, his insides twitched and twisted, as if he were the one in agony- not them.

Suddenly, he heard the whinny again. He knew where it came from. He dashed to the stables, letting all the horses free, the whites of their eyes visible; they were terrified. All the horses galloped past him, kicking up dirt in his face as they rushed through the door.

There was no horse for David to run away on. They had all left him. David felt a wave of hopelessness. What was he going to do now? He would be killed. His body would be burned for the Lenain’s entertainment. And he would have failed his mother.

“If you give up now, you are nothing. If you die now, how will you find him? How will you be able to claim revenge on him?” a part of him whispered. He tried shaking the ideas away. He had to gain control. Occasionally, this part of him would spring up out of nowhere and try to consume him. He mustn’t lose the best part of him.

He heard running footsteps and backed away. He ran out the back door of the stables as a Lenain officer on horseback opened the stable door. David could hear the man’s hurried breathing. Probably from killing innocent, defenseless people, David thought. David then heard the officer shout something in a foreign language, not the common language.

But the voice wasn’t a male voice. It was a woman’s! David then recollected reading in his books how the Illia was a war group comprised of the best warriors in the Lenain territory. They served their king well, and were his most prized cavalry unit. But they were all women and had disappeared decades before.

She left, with David leaning against the stable’s rotting wood. Suddenly, a fire arrow grazed his shoulder as the Illia proceeded to burn every possible place. They were going to set the stable alight. He ran into the brambles behind the inn and heard the screams and shouts of the injured and wounded. He huddled up in a ball. He couldn’t help but mourn the fate of his old home, fret over the fates of the guests, and ponder over the mystery of his mother’s letter. As the inn dissolved in flames, unshed tears shone in David’s eyes, and as they fell, he wondered why his life had been spared.



Nightshade Chronicles by Phoenix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Last edited by phoenixwriter on Mon Aug 08, 2011 1:46 am, edited 3 times in total.
"Which came first? The Phoenix or the flame?"

-H.P. Deathly Hallows




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"He wonder why his life had been spared". Awesome way to end any chapter of any story. You have a certain skill: you use the techniques of Fantasy writing and you have done something unique with it. Yeah, the structure was a bit off, but that's beside the point. Your use of language is fluent and you have an amazing mind. You HAVE to do a second chapter. You absolutely must. Hell, I'll try and fail to write something like that. Very well done, you rock!




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Hello here to review your work. I will review as I read, I find it easily that way. I will put my comments into your novel.
But first thing is first, this is very long. People are put off by things that are very long, I tend to split my chapters up, when I post on YWS. Also some extra spacing would be nice, just to make things easier to read but I don't blame you, copying and pasting on to YWS often gets rid of spacing that was there on word, or what ever program you use.


It didn’t start out as I expected. None of us knew what would happen, for that matter ... but I’m forgetting myself- like always. Although I’m the story’s teller, I am not the main character. In fact-maybe just a comma? My grammar is terrible though. I barely took part. To keep my part in this tale (and make sure I was not forgotten)Again I suggest commas not brackets, just looks messy and all my english teachers have discouraged it., I took an excerpt from an old history document. But let me explain first where I’m taking you. This all happened in the country of Yura. Yura is a single land split into several different realms. These realms include humans, sorcerers (some are awfully mean!), elves, and fairies. And for a while, peace reigned. But not for long.I have placed some space between paragraphs for easy reading.

In general the first part is good. Seems like you have an interesting character, with a nice refreshing voice, and world.

I am not mentioning that one ten thousand years ago, when there was a large business enterprise involving those from Earth. But you ought to know anyways, since that is how this whole mess started in the first place. I’m going to quote the historical document now.

Great, your universe seems very interesting and original now I see you go further to explain and set the scene but always remember that some things are better shown not told you have to find the right balance.

Our world consists of four different planes, rather in the shape of a disconnected window frame. Yura is on top. However, there are other creatures and beings that live on those sides which hang vertically and survive by magical means. Their magic capability is much stronger than those who live in Yura. There is also that bottom edge, which hangs upside down … but we don’t discuss what is down there. For we don’t know.I have reshaped your paragraph a little.In the middle of our world is a round ball. It is rather large, and touches only the top plane. It is transparent, and therefore, invisible to most. That is Earth. Again, it is on a different dimension and is very difficult to access, from Earth to us, or us to Earth. It also is very difficult to perceive. But the area where Earth and Yura connect is subject to very violent earthquakes on Earth, otherwise known as San Andreas Fault. Where Earth touches us is a place called Witch’s Canyon. Ahh, your setting it on earth, cool, remember to research well to get your geographical facts right.

Long ago, many eons ago, some on Earth had discovered a way to gain access to Yura by means of a portal. That portal was used to cross onto our plane. They had many armies trying to invade Yura, their main purpose was to gain more land. Again, they looked rather like Yura’s humans. That’s what fooled us all and gave them the advantage. Long battles followed their horrible footsteps. But the great wizard, Eurchess, drove them out. Eurchess had had enough and forced them back through the portal and sealed it. Only those from Earth who would help Yura would be able to open and find the portal. But that’s a story for another day. Nice story telling element, your narrator has a great storyteller feel.

However, they forgot their general’s copy of one book. A tactic book. The Art of Warfare was left behind. When Eurchess discovered the book lying in the humans’ trail, he saw that to keep it safe from humans, he would let the elven leader keep it for safe keeping, and use it in case the people from Earth came back.

Finally! I’m back! Your narrator. That historical document was pretty bland, but it is slightly relevant. Sorry. Back on topic … Don't like this, what you wrote before doesn't really sound like a historical text and I've read a lot. It feels like your narrator re telling with their own voice and flair. A simple 'This is where I enter the picutre' would suffice. It all seems a little to colloquial and messy.

The sad thing is that most humans are different. All three human kingdoms; Easterner Aarchen, Western Lenain, and Southern Menelays are no different from any other human realm. And the way people settle those differences are through war. It doesn’t matter where that human is from-Yura, Earth- War is infectious. Soon it spread to every corner of the country. None could escape it. Not even elves and fairies. That was when the Cyrus came to take over.

Before I properly knew David, I thought he was just a simple village boy. Instead, he aided the princess settle her problems with the Cyrus, for both their sakes. He even tried to help her kingdom.Please to try to keep away from the village boy stereotype but then again he is not your MC, so it should not matter.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Oh … I still remember the sights of David’s and the princess’s faces even now … so many years afterwards. David said that it was ridiculous to write about this, but soon, he swallowed his words when the princess said it was a good idea.Princess and the farm boy is a little to overdone for my liking.

Now … where to begin? Oh yes. My name is Starlight. And I forgot. I’m a horse.Awesome Just thought you should know that.In general a very good story setting beginning.

Nightshade Chapter 1: The Beginning
By Phoenix


He heard the clip clop of horses approaching his home and got out of bed, shrugged on a pitifully thin jacket, and rushed out in the snow.could defiantly split this sentance up, add more make it more exciting, it is the the begining of your novel. His threadbare shoes barely provided his feet enough warmth from the hard frostbite in the cold Aarchen winter. The boy shivered. The cold bit into his skin like a serpent, and burned like venom.Nice metaphor.

Although he could have sworn he had heard horses, he didn’t see anyone or anything in sight. To make sure, he turned three-hundred and sixty degrees right then and there. Just then, his mother came running towards him. David rushed to her side.

“Mother!” he shouted. “Go back inside! You’re not supposed to be out here! Go back in the house where it’s warm.” Under normal circumstances, he would not have used such a harsh tone with his mother. However, since his father left, he and his mother had been left with nothing. He couldn’t lose the only family he had left. She had to get inside. Her health condition would get worse soon. For all he knew, her lungs could paralyze right where she stood.

“David! It’s not as if I’m about to fall and die right now.” She smiled. Her twinkling eyes showed she was joking, but David knew this was no trivial matter. For all they knew, her condition could come over her, and she could “fall and die.”
“The Kan’s officer has come! He needs lodgings for the night. Could you prepare him a room in the lodge?” his mother called back to him. She started to rasp and shake violently, coughing all the while. David nudged her to the door and guided her towards the hearth. At this moment, he could care less for their king, the Kan, or his officer. The dialogue between the boy and his mother is nicely done.

“Don’t worry, mother. I’ll see to the inn and the officer.” As soon as David went back outside, his entire surroundings, gentle hills, glittering streams, had all been coated with a thick layer of ice and snow. The blizzard around him was still going at full force, and it was difficult to see anything not a few feet away. Underneath the beauty, however, promised a chilling menace. David pulled his clothes closer together as his arms searched for warmth, and finding none. Soon, a dark man rode towards David, a misty outline at first, and then his few companions followed. David’s eyes strayed towards the hardened men and couldn’t help but admire them. Their eyes told countless stories of battles- but also of comradeship. David could see it in their eyes.

It was a strange thing. David had never been quite normal. Show not tell. Many people said he had witch eyes, ones that could see anyone’s story through the windows of the soulthis sentence could do with a simple rearrangement. David wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or curse. People in the village usually kept their eyes averted from hisCould have used this fact to show, rather than tell, use this fact to show that he has a gift then explain rather than just blatantly point it out. At least these officials didn’t know of his “witchy” quality.

But soon, the beautiful blue gray stallion the officer rode on caught his attention. It was no ordinary horse. The 'with a star on its head' is unnecessary, you have the potential to do some nice describing here! . Its eyes were too intelligent to be a regular animal. It was an Alphian Horse.

He had learned about these types of horses from the many books he had read. At the local school, his classmates laughed at him for his “witchy” eyes and for his thirst of knowledge, saying that he, being an innkeeper, had no need to learn about magic and fantastical creatures. But David begged to differ. He knew that knowledge was power. In response to his beliefs, David studied hard, in school and out. He had even gone through all his library’s books a few times, not that there were many for peasants. Only his best friend, Chris, didn’t laugh at him. Establish the social standing of his world, in our worlds terms a peasant is usually uneducated and poor associated with pre-industrialization. He is a inn keepers son, therefore a child of a land or business owner, hes not really a peasant.

It was going to be a long time before he saw Chris again. The local school had just gone for break the day before. He sighed. He continued to look into the horse’s inky black eyes. David had read that these creatures could talk too. Was it true?

“Please prepare us your finest rooms as fast as you are able,” Grammar, there are good articles on it in YWS.David was awakened from his reverie and swiftly nodded to the man who rode on the horse. As he turned around, the officer started speaking.
“How old are you?” asked the officer. He did not look unkind. His eyes had crinkles around them, and his mouth was in a friendly smile. David paused dumbly. He had not seen the kindness in this man’s eyes till now. Usually, his instincts were relatively sharp.Your character just met this guy... How could he miss the warmth that radiated from this official’s eyes?
“Thirteen.” David answered, looking down, as courtesy dictated when communicating with betters.
“My son is around your age, boy. He’s still back home…” the Kan’s officer looked blankly and off in the distance, and David could see a sandy blonde youth grinning widely. The officer broke his reverie. “What is your name, boy?” David started to feel his hands become sweaty, even though the temperature was well below freezing. He felt uncomfortable keeping up conversation with a stranger.
“Um ... My name?” he asked feebly. The officer nodded.
“David. It’s David.” Nice characterization in this paragraph
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was cleaning up the last trays of food when he heard the men and their officer break out in raucous laughter. His mother had already gone to bed. His father leaving when he was seven had really taken a toll on her health. Her well-being, health, and happiness sank lower after using the last of her dowry to open up this inn for her and her son to survive.Clearly a 'older' medieval society, remember to keep your characters within this realm. Don't have strongly feminist characters, who are accepted for their views, in a world where there are still Dowries or bride prices. This is just a tip though!

His mother had refused to tell him why his father left him. He was only seven at that time. All she had said was that it was simply the life his father wanted. David had loved his father, and it hurt to think about him. Now, he struggled to remember his father’s face. Why did he have to leave his son behind? Couldn’t he have stayed? His cleaning got abruptly louder as he banged a plate after plate, after spoon after fork against the wooden table in his bitterness.

“Keep eh down, will ye?” yelled one of the men. It was just David alone with the officer and his companions. David thought it strange to not have noticed the sharp noise coming from one table. The oaken room made of log upon log was usually a place of jolly exuberance as men drank their ale, children played by the fire, and women exchanged gossip. David was glad the gossips weren’t here. More superstitious talk from them and more rumors they’d spread.
“I’m sorry, sir, beg your pardon, sir,” David replied meekly, his eyes downcast.
“Don’t pick on the poor boy, Robert. Can’t you see?” the Kan’s officer chided, much like a father. The high ranking official continued to whisper to his companion until his friend started to calm down. David tried to hear what they were saying, but their tones were just too low and too deep to be heard clearly. He saw the Kan’s officer point at him and his friend’s face break into incredulity.
“Him?” the man whispered loudly.
“Aye, keep your voice down. That’s Harold’s son, alright. He’s his father in miniature. I would know. His old man and I were like kin before he got demoted. We all remember how he got demoted when he spoke against the Kan…” his head bowed down. He continued slowly, “He was a great general, a great man. Although I don’t know what to say for him now that he’s left his family. I just don’t see Harold doing that. He was always the embodiment of vengeance, but I know he prized his family above all else.”

David, though touched, didn’t think the part of “prized them above all else” was quite accurate. Most likely it was said for his benefit- something to dull the pain. But it didn’t help. If anything, the pain inside him was just as acute, if not more. Nice plot building.

“But Harold did just that.” Robert whispered under the cover of their other two companions, who were disturbingly drunk with the inn’s mead.

David leaned in close to listen, under pretense of wiping the table next to theirs.

“Yes. Any ‘ow, officer, did you ‘ear about the Lenain’s king? Murdered. Right in his own bed. I think the Ellenar clans did it.”

“Really?” he was stroking his beard thoughtfully. “Says who?”

“Says that wise woman. I forgot her name, but apparently the elves ‘ave been doing things to some of the other kingdom’s royals too. There’s a missin’ princess in the southern Menelays’ kingdom. She’s your niece’s friend- the one with the butterfly birthmark.” Lol, for give me for the lol but this really sounds a bit like the univerise in one of my novels. I also have elves and humans in 'war' or disliking each other.

“Oh, yes. Mya. What a pity.... Are you sure there’s no one who can do anything about it? Did the Ellenar clans really do it?”
“Of course the elves did it. I’m guessing all of the plotters did it together.”
“But under whom? Under which ruler? The Wolf Clan’s rulers are dead, and their daughter is too young to lead.” The officer than muttered so softly David had to strain his ears. “No one knows how their deaths happened, though.”
“How wha’ happened, sir?” Apparently, Robert hadn’t caught his officer’s words. Robert, he could see, had been seriously wounded. The bandage around his head, his bouncing together of different topics, and not-so-good hearing made the truth all too obvious. The training ranks had had a young, too enthusiastic youth who had wanted one more blow to the already ended fight. From Robert’s eyes, the story was very clear.
“The rulers’ deaths. Both of them at once. Don’t you think it a little fishy?”
“Maybe a little, bu’ the elves are pesky people. Disliked ‘em. Always ‘ave.”
“With no one to unite them,” the officer continued thoughtfully, “will they try and conquer the Northern Wolf Clan?”
“Don’t know, don’t care, do I?” Robert stated. “I don’t want any’ing to do wih’ em.” Robert’s pale skin flushed red.
“Maybe you don’t care about them. However, I think this is something we cannot blame on the elves. We took much of their land away from them, but if they were to exact revenge, why on those particular royalty? There are still other heirs to the throne,” The officer said, contemplating the situation. However, his thoughts were interrupted when his friend whispered. Again good plot building.
“I know this ‘as nothin’ to do with it,” he paused, covertly looking at eavesdropping David, who turned away quickly, “but the kid knows that his father is trying to take the Kan’s throne, right?”
The officer shook his head. His grey eyes had a faraway look that seemed to give the impression he was lost at sea. David didn’t know what to make of it. Was it true his father had left him for power?
“Now, if that’s the case,” Robert continued, “who’s gonna support the man?”I suggest you look at the articles on the speach mark grammar, not that yours is bad but being terrible at grammar myself I'm having difficulty telling if the grammar is good or not.
“His old men. They still support him. Before he left, they were talking of mutiny against Aarchen. Without someone familiar to guide them, they’re starting to panic.”
“But wha’ abou’ Eurchess?” David had heard that name before.
“That wizard hasn’t been seen for centuries now. Surely he’s dead.”
“But ‘e did create this land for us. He may not ‘ave created life, but he’s someone not to mess with.”
“Harold wouldn’t care about something like that. He thinks he’s dead too. If he thought there might be the slightest chance Eurchess still lived, he wouldn’t have dared killed so many people, for fear of retribution. You know Eurchess punished the wrongdoers.” David leaned in even closer to listen in. But, to his utter horror and surprise, the officer turned around, looking at him in the eye. He didn’t look angry in the least, and might have looked almost compassionate if it weren’t for the old battle scar above his right eye, which was spoiling the effect.
“Umm … don’t mind me, sir.... I was just cleaning up.” David lied. But all he saw in the man’s gaze was the most heartfelt pity.
“Oh, we aren’t bothered by you in the least. Continue, please. By all means…” and as David turned away, the officer continued suddenly, taking David by surprise. “I don’t know what you’ve heard, David, but your father is a good man. And nothing will change that.”
David found his throat tighten. He tried to say something, but his voice seemed to have deserted him. Instead, he simply nodded. The nod appeared enough for the officer, but then, he heard a shout.
“Hey! Boy! Change my bed sheets! You call this presentable? You call this clean? Get up here now, or you’ll lose one more customer and…” Oh great … thought David.
“I better go … sir,” David said, hastily.
“Of course. Remember what I said.” David looked long and hard at the middle-aged man, and made an effort to remember his face. This was a man who knew his father. Maybe he knew him well enough to … what if he knew where his father was? David shook the ridiculous idea from his head. There was no trace of such knowledge in the man’s eyes. He imagined searching high and low. He thought how childish it would be to wish his father would return home. He went to check on the angry guest and silently wished for another chance to talk to his father’s old friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

David was happy to get into his cot. He peered across the hall and peeked into his mother’s room. She seemed to be breathing peacefully.
That irate tenant had complained about things like the bath water’s temperature (was it truly “cold” after he had heated it over the fire for an hour?), and the “filthy” floor. When David knew better, dark thoughts started to seep into his head. David sometimes wondered about his naivety. He couldn’t stop evil things spreading to his mind sometimes. Sometimes … he just lost control. He hit his cot frame before he started to breathe slowly and calmly. Okay … calm down, David. He thought.
He turned around abruptly. Did he hear a cough across the hall? He scrambled across to his mother’s bedchamber. He opened the door. His mother … his mother-!
Her chest was heaving from the effort of repeatedly coughing- and she kept spitting out blood. Her lungs had frozen again. David rushed to her side. He pushed away the furniture that obstructed his way to his mother and hurriedly snatched their thickest blankets from the cupboard…. His hands were shaking so badly that he was afraid that he would take too long. But his fingers lingered on a bright green one.
And that blanket was made of the precious silk Ordinary silk is not warming, trust me. Give it some magical properties. produced by the elves in the northern Wolf Clan. His mother had told him never to take it out in case they soiled it, but without its warmth, David was sure her condition would worsen. He wrapped it around his mother, and he hugged her close so he could share his body heat with her. She finally was able to rasp out,
“Put that blanket back … David….” he ignored her. He just ran to his room to get his comforter. When he came back, he saw that his mother had thrown off the precious blanket and was staring at it, its soft material brushing against her hands.
“Your father gave this to me … when we first met…he didn’t know me then, but … he wanted me to have it.” Her eyes looked far away.
“Mother! Put it-”
“He promised me he would never leave me….”
“Mother! Put the blanket on! Are you getting the chills? Are your muscles aching? How’s your throat? What about your condition? Lay down awhile. Mother … let me go brew some tea.”
“Your father always used to make me tea, and he would always give me his hand … and he would say,” David was afraid his mother had become delirious.
“You wait here- and don’t throw the blankets off.” He commanded.
“- he used to say that he would do anything for me. He always told me how much he loved me….” there was no question about it. David felt her forehead and felt it burn underneath his hand. It seemed so scalding hot that David wondered how she was still here. The strange freezing of her lungs seemed to have the side effects of fever. She started to gurgle; a sound that many say is the person’s call to the gods that they will be joining them shortly.
“Mother- I’ll be right back!” he ran downstairs, his loud footsteps disturbing many of the guests. He wrenched open drawers, pulled cupboards open. It was all in vain. Where had it gone?! Finally, he looked in the kitchen, and his mother’s medicine was nowhere in sight.
“Please! Is anyone here a doctor?!” he yelled. He heard his voice crack in his desperation. Under normal circumstances, he would not have screamed for anyone’s help, but this was not normal circumstances. Never had a situation ever been so dire.
The man in room 315 poked his head out his door.
“Stop your shouting and I’ll attend to your mother, boy!” David felt relief rush into his chest and had to restrain himself from embracing the grouch.
“Now, where is she?” David ran to his mother’s room with the man following close on his heels.
His mother’s face was deathly pale, and the doctor pulled out some herbs from a small container and said, “Brew some water. That medicine you were searching for was no good.”
“What?!” David exclaimed.
“I threw it out.”
“But- that medicine was for my mother’s condition!” David exclaimed angrily.
“No … that so-called medicine you were using only keeps back the paralysis fits but also saps her strength. I have better, long-lasting remedies here,”Ohh, interesting guest. the guest said, reaching into his pouch at his side. His pepper colored beard, speckled with traces of black and white, surrounded a serious mouth offset by a sharp, hawkish nose. The eyes were something strange. Never had David seen more pain. It was obvious that the man had hidden the painful memories far behind him. But there was a shrewdness in those eyes David wasn’t sure he could trust just yet.
“How do I know you’re not-”
“Not trying to cheat you and sell you this?” the guest had guessed David’s thoughts exactly.
“Yes….”
“Here’s my paper of credentials, and I’m doing this for free as long as I can stay in this inn,” the man held up some official looking papers, and after David looked at them thoroughly and seeing the seal of red wax (he wanted to make sure his mother’s health wasn’t at stake with this man), he went to brew the water the man had asked for.
The doctor set to work. He motioned for David to give him the water. The teenager watched as the medicine man put some herbs in the water and dripped it little by little into his mother’s mouth.
“I’ll watch her for the night. Get your rest, boy.” But when David looked at him cautiously and carefully, the guest said, “you can trust me.”
“You’ll watch her?” David asked.
“With my life, I’ll keep her safe.” After a moment’s consideration, David silently consented.
“How much do you want?” he asked. He thought about how much he and his mother could spare from their money jar.
“Remember, boy? As long as you shut your mouth for the rest of the night and I get to stay here, I won’t charge anything. Don’t you remember my saying so earlier?” the man asked irritably.
“I now recall. Thank you kindly, sir.” David went to his room and sat down on his cot.
“Strange … this poison has tried repeatedly to paralyze her lungs … it sounds like that enhanced poison I’ve heard of far off to the north…something that was evolved from a garden weed,” the guest muttered to himself.
As David reached for his covers when he got to his bed, the boy remembered that he didn’t have any covers, since he had given them to his mother. Oh well.
He settled down and his last thought was how grateful he was that the irritable guest in room 315Really 315 rooms in an simple Inn?? was so kindhearted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Officer! Officer!” the Kan’s officer woke up with a start, realizing he had dozed off while drinking his mead. He looked into the fair face of the messenger in front of him. The messengers usually were young boys sent from the Kan’s palace. If a messenger was sent this late in the night to find him, it must have been somewhat of great consequence.
“Yes, m’lad?”
“The Lenain…. We just got the message a few hours ago. They’ve declared war on us.” At that, the officer sat up abruptly, although a little too suddenly. Although his head was spinning from the mead he had drunk, he was still aware enough and cautious enough to know what was going on, even if his wine sodden friends weren’t.
“Why? How could this be happening?”
“The wise woman said she was wrong. The elves didn’t kill their king. Now she’s saying that we killed their king. They’ve already left their capital and are coming east towards us.”
For a moment, everything froze. Then the officer stood up tall, and shouted,
“To arms! To arms!” his friend looked sleepily up at him.
“Wha’s goin on? You mental?” Robert muttered weakly.
“The Lenain are declaring war on us. We need to take up our arms and send for reinforcements! For Aarchen!”
“I have orders from Oppol that require you to go to there. This is the first town the Lenain will come across. They’ll burn this place to the ground!”
“Are you proposing we leave for the capital and leave all these innocent people to die?! They’re simple country folk! They wouldn’t stand a chance- even with the few pitchforks they have! I’m not standing for it. If you all want to leave and save yourselves, go ahead. I can’t leave my countrymen to die whilst I run.” The officer cried, belligerently.
“The Kan strictly told me to summon you to the capital. Immediately. The Lenain want you for information. They’ll capture you.”
“I’m not going.”
“You must!”
“I won’t let them capture me. Even if they kill me, I’ll make sure I take as many of them with me as I can.”
“And I will too!” his friend said, standing up.
“This is against the Kan’s orders, punishable-” the messenger began.
“-by death, we know. But that’s not changing me mind now, is it?” Robert called, a challenge in his voice.
“Sirs! Please! You will get run over by those barbarians! You must come with me.” The messenger pleaded. Without these knights and brilliant tactician of an officer, Aarchen would surely be lost.
“No matter…. I’m staying. There’s nothing you can say to stop me!” the officer cried. Then he continued quietly, “As my dying wish, let the Kan forgive me and care for my family.”
The messenger got on his horse, and nodded. “I understand.”
No one said a word. The knights and officer gravely stood there and awaited their hideous fate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“NO!” David screamed. He sat up in bed so abruptly that his head began to spin. His mother couldn’t have died … it was only a dream. He got up from his cot, and tried to rub some life in his cold arms, now numb with the chilly air. He started to take some calming breaths. But as he inhaled a deep mouthful of air for the third time, he smelled smoke. He ran to his mother’s room, only to find her and the doctor gone. He found a note hastily scribbled by his mother’s bed’s side. It said:

David,
The doctor is going to take to me to somewhere safe. Don’t worry about me. Now you won’t have me burdening you…. Find your father. He’s the only one who can stop this mess. And tell him I’m home. He’ll understand.
Now, the doctor has some words for you. Remember David, I will always, always love you and think of you everyday.
Love,
Mother

Boy,
I’ll keep your mother safe, just like I promised. After all this is sorted out, we’ll all meet again. I also give you another promise that I will not break: I will make sure that your mother’s partially paralyzed lungs don’t get worse- in fact with this remedy, it should take away some of her pain. That’s it for now. I regret my earlier behavior. So long. When next we meet.
Sincerely,
Dr. Herri

wow, really she left too.
David didn’t know what to say. If he found his father, everything would be sorted out?! What did that mean?
It was already overwhelming to have found out his father was in the process of usurping the throne, but to find out that he had to find him? No, no, no…. He hadn’t the faintest clue where to start.

He felt resentment and anger flare up inside of him.Describe this anger. He tried calming himself down. He couldn’t get out of control.
His father left him. Left him. Now he was supposed to find him? If he hadn’t left in the first place, if he had just cared about family, if-
David couldn’t bear to think of the next words. But a little voice in his head wormed its way to his ear:
“You are dirt in your father’s eyes. No wonder he left you. Left you and your mother to die on the streets. Not even leaving you a penny. You call this man father? Find him. Then, prove to him that he is nothing. Slit his throat for good measure.”
Stop! He tried telling himself. No son should have to kill his father.
Suddenly, one of the wooden beams in the roof came crashing down, breaking through the many floors of the inn. David ran out, down the flights of stairs.
The inn was on fire! He tried to go farther, but the stairs were already engulfed in flames and there was no escape. The flame’s rasping breath threatened to burn David as its smoke entered David’s eyes and made him cough. He ran for room 315, knowing it had a window. He opened the window latch and poked his face out. Although it was supposed to be bitterly freezing, all David could feel was heat as the flame’s smoke reached his eyes. He looked down. It was a long way….
He heard screaming downstairs and heard the clanging of swords and weapons. At that moment, an earsplitting whinny broke the silence. He slipped through the window and jumped out.
Two flights is quite a ways, and David found out the hard way as he hit the compacted earth. He rolled and tumbled, slipped and fell, as the inn around him burned like a beacon of light. He heard screaming of terrified guests as they ran out the doors to the outside. But David saw that they were instantly captured by the waiting Lenain forces, or else they were slaughtered. As the Lenains’s golden skin shone in the firelight, he felt a rush of hatred for those men and wished that they were the ones who were dying.
The houseguests didn’t do any wrong to them. Why? Why were they treated like this? It was too much to bear. He ran away from the suffering, away from where he couldn’t hear the screaming. Inside, his insides twitched and twisted, as if he were the one in agony- not them.
Suddenly, he heard the whinny again. He knew where it came from. He dashed to the stables, letting all the horses free, the whites of their eyes visible; they were terrified. All the horses galloped past him, kicking up dirt in his face as they rushed through the door.
There was no horse for David to run away on. They had all left him. David felt a wave of hopelessness. What was he going to do now? He would be killed. His body would be burned for the Lenain’s entertainment. And he would have failed his mother.
“If you give up now, you are nothing. If you die now, how will you find him? How will you be able to claim revenge on him?” a part of him whispered. He tried shaking the ideas away. He had to gain control. Occasionally, this part of him would spring up out of nowhere and try to consume him. He mustn’t lose the best part of him.

He heard running footsteps and backed away. He ran out the back door of the stables as a Lenain officer on horseback opened the stable door. David could hear the man’s hurried breathing. Probably from killing innocent, defenseless people, David thought. David then heard the officer shout something in a foreign language, not the common language.
But the voice wasn’t a male voice. It was a woman’s! David then recollected reading in his books how the Illia was a war group comprised of the best warriors in the Lenain territory. They served their king well, and were his most prized cavalry unit. But they were all women and had disappeared decades before.

She left, with David leaning against the stable’s rotting wood. Suddenly, something hot flew past him. It was a fire arrow! They were going to set the stable alight! He ran into the brambles behind the inn and heard the screams and shouts of the injured and wounded. He huddled up in a ball. He couldn’t help but mourn the fate of his old home, fret over the fates of the guests, and ponder over the mystery of his mother’s letter. As the inn dissolved in flames, unshed tears shone in David’s eyes, and as they fell, he wondered why his life had been spared.


Nice work, Quite interesting. Please do read my random comments but i have to admit this was very long. Great stuff!
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Phwaahh, I love how imaginative this is :)




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Very nice! Way to leave me hanging!
The only things I noticed were:
It was rather long, but it kept me interested through the whole thing. :-)
Where you put "The training ranks had had a young, too enthusiastic youth ..." Maybe "Over-enthusiastic youth..." would be better, because I was wondering why 'too' was there, but I figured it out.
The letter was awesome, but I think it might have been better if it was italicized, as well as David's thoughts, so people know that it is a thought/letter.

But it was really good! I'm going to read the next chapters later! :D

Keep up the good work!

~MEG
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Aside from the comments above, again you need to do some more sentence variety and showing. But I went on a whole ramble about that in Chapter 2, I think. So a good edit should clear that all up.

She left, with David leaning against the stable’s rotting wood. Suddenly, something hot flew past him. It was a fire arrow! They were going to set the stable alight!

...I'm sorry but the explanation marks made me laugh out loud. It just made the sentences... kind of cheesy, to me anyway.

“Please prepare us your finest rooms as fast as you are able,” David was awakened from his reverie and swiftly nodded to the man who rode on the horse.

I really loved the use of reverie here; however, don't overuse it. When I read it again a few sentences later, it sort of took away the impact.

and David could see a sandy blonde youth grinning widely through the officer's eyes.

I'm not sure you could see that just through his eyes. Maybe try and go for something like a few strands of blonde hair mixed in with the white and grey told another story of his youth?

Anyway, there's some really good plot building in this, I'm glad I came back and read from the start. Just work on your detail and getting the reader to focus in more. :D
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Thanks for your helpful review! I'll try to do the same on your Chapter 1 Lymuria.

I really appreciate it, and I'll change my story to fit your advice.
"Which came first? The Phoenix or the flame?"

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Hey, Phoenix. I am here at last.

First, I have to echo what the other said and say that this is a very long post. Splitting it up will get you more reviews (you can do Chapter 1, Part One, etc.) and more readers. With the plot of this rolling already, and your writing at this level, the length is the only thing keeping people away.

So, usually when I review, I'm all over the technical stuff, pointing out this and that, but my instincts are saying to take a different approach today, so I'm gonna listen to them.

In regards to the prologue... I laughed so hard at the end, when I got to these lines here:

I’m a horse. Just thought you should know that.


The prologue came close to clicking then. It was the first time the narrator's interjections and humor had worked for me. And, well, the idea of a horse being the narrator was just so perfect. For one thing, horses are all over the place in high fantasy. No one ever bothers to ask what they thought about the epicness they just witnessed.

Not all of the prologue lives up to those lines, though. The humor to me felt forced and planned, when the entire prologue could be sort of strange, funny, and atypical. That way, when the reader gets to the end and realizes it's the horse narrating, there is that click and moment of "Ohhh, cool" where the prologue suddenly makes sense.

What I'd recommend doing is making the entire prologue just rich with Starlight's humor and perspective on what happened. Right now I think I'm getting you with Starlight mixed in. Make it all Starlight. I gather that you're a horse person, so use that to your advantage and get Starlight's personality to jump off the page with opinions.

One last note on the prologue:

Our world consists of four different planes, rather in the shape of a disconnected window frame. Yura is on top. However, there are other creatures and beings that live on those sides which hang vertically and survive by magical means. Their magic capability is much stronger than those who live in Yura. There is also that bottom edge, which hangs upside down … but we don’t discuss what is down there. For we don’t know.

In the middle of our world is a round ball. It is rather large, and touches only the top plane. It is transparent, and therefore, invisible to most. That is Earth. Again, it is on a different dimension and is very difficult to access, from Earth to us, or us to Earth. It also is very difficult to perceive. But the area where Earth and Yura connect is subject to very violent earthquakes on Earth, otherwise known as San Andreas Fault. Where Earth touches us is a place called Witch’s Canyon.


These two paragraphs didn't make full sense to me. By 'our world' do you/Starlight mean Earth and Yura, or just Yura? And I can't seem to grasp my head around Earth and Yura being connected at these two points, if Yura's a pane of glass. That'd mean Yura's rotating with the Earth?

So, kind of confusing, and I don't know how necessary it is at this point. But if it isn't necessary, you might just want to cut it out.

All right, chapter one time.

You do an excellent job here of getting the plot and conflict going. Within the first paragraphs, we know that David's facing money problems, and his mother's health is failing, and that David's father up and left. A bit later, as the current plot of the men arriving is worked in, we learn David has these peculiar eyes, and we're introduced to a horse that might just be Starlight (and we're told how it is a horse could be so intelligent). After that, we're introduced to the problems in the realm and world at large, and we're led to suspect that David's father's leaving wasn't all bad. Then his mom's health takes a bad turn, and David meets a grouchy but good-hearted doctor, and then there's word of war, and people come attack, and David finds this note that leaves him with so many questions, and he's almost killed but spared in the end and now he has to find his father.

And while you do certainly get things going, as I hope the previous paragraph illustrated, that was a WHOLE lot of things going in just the first chapter. Perhaps too many things. It got a little cluttered, and it could use with some slowing down. You could also probably divide this up into more chapters if you wanted, and expand some of the scenes so it's not just all plot all the time.

Second main comment in regards to the chapter is the conversation David overhears. It's all very convenient for him, them talking about his father right then and there. Those words are also said not so much to each other, but to the reader who is also eavesdropping. In other words, it's not just a convenient conversation for David, but also for the reader. While it being convenient for David is probably fine, the dialogue being aimed at the reader is a different story. Make sure the men are talking to each other, completely unaware that there's a reader out there.

The last thing that the POV was somewhat hard to follow in parts. One minute, we were in David's head. This area could use some tweaking, particularly in the transitions between each, and definitely do head-hop within a short amount of time. Depending on what level of omniscient you're going for, you might want to be sure to something to separate the separate sections.

I have this dreadful feeling I'm forgetting something, but... for now... let me know if you have any questions! The second chapter's on my list, so you should get a review there soon.

Rach
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Thanks for your help. You covered a lot of points no one else had gotten to. I like your ideas, and I appreciate your advice! It means a lot to me. Let me know when you want me to review your's! I'd be glad to!
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First of all, I like the premise of the story, as well as the story teller being a horse.

Now my thoughts.

The prologue is just exposition. If you don't know what exposition is, basically, description/explanation.

Exposition generally loses its appeal three sentences in because of its telling nature.

It's far more interesting to a reader to be shown, than told.

But, that's just my opinion. I just assume everyone who works on novels and stories, etc. aim to get published in future. If that is your goal then have a go at honing your craft. Otherwise, if you don't want to get this published and are just happy to write this for yourself and others to read, and they like the exposition, then keep writing as is.

Hope this helps. You might find some helpful tips on a recent post o my blog. The link's in my signature if you want to check it out.

:)



People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
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