Together in the Clouds

i would sell anything i own for that peace,
for that moment in the darkness between clamour
and quiet when there are suddenly no problems,
no pains unresolved. i imagine
it feels like the moment when dark waves rise,
pulling your weight off of your shoulders so gently,
smooth like weak tides on the sand.
it’s the unknown, the uncharted waters
where bearings matter only if you want them to.
and you and i will end up adrift in that seaward fog
because we don’t want to care, we don’t want to know.

i like to think that, after that second in the dark,
you are given a day to feel all the brighter things
that your life couldn’t quite give you.
you find your first kiss between geysers of light,
and scale a waterfall backwards because time--
time can’t lord over you anymore. neither can gravity,
nor can love nor hate nor any of the anchors between.

so i want to feel the brush of clouds against my face
when the droplets in the wind rise in a gale of tears.
they’re the memories of that other place,
held together in the clouds.

Hey Lumi -

The last thing I am is a poetry expert, so take these comments with a grain of salt. I'm not really sure what you're going for here. Is it a heaven/afterlife kind of thing? I really wasn't feeling it in the first stanza, but I really liked the second stanza, which is what kept me going to finish. It's kind of a slow start to get to the really good stuff. I love "you find your first kiss between geysers of light, / and scale a waterfall backwards because time-- / time can't lord over you anymore." I like the "anchors in between" but going on from there to gravity seems kind of obvious (you've just told us you can go backwards over a waterfall) and then the love and hate feel sort of generic.

Finally, my other beef is the all lowercase thing. I know it's narrow-minded and silly, but it feels gimmicky to me unless you're ee cummings.

Overall, though, some really interesting stuff and a couple of really lovely images. Thanks for the read

Lumi, I wasn't sure I should review this at first, considering certain things.

But a review is what you're getting.

i would sell anything i own for that peace,
for that moment in the darkness between clamour
and quiet when there are suddenly no problems,
no pains unresolved. i imagine
it feels like the moment when dark waves rise,
pulling your weight off of your shoulders so gently,
smooth like weak tides on the sand.
it’s the unknown, the uncharted waters
where bearings matter only if you want them to.
and you and i will end up adrift in that seaward fog
because we don’t want to care, we don’t want to know.

i like to think that, after that second in the dark,
you are given a day to feel all the brighter things
that your life couldn’t quite give you.
you find your first kiss between geysers of light,
and scale a waterfall backwards because time--
time can’t lord over you anymore. neither can gravity,
nor can love nor hate nor any of the anchors between.

so i want to feel the brush of clouds against my face
when the droplets in the wind rise in a gale of tears.
they’re the memories of that other place,
held together in the clouds.

Yeah, I'm not going to do it.

Sorry Lumi, I appreciate what you've done here too much, glad you did this. Figured you should know.

Hope it helped you; we never get the weight of these ones off of us though.

(if desired I'll give a proper review, but now not here.)

This is quite beautiful, and intriguing, although I found the meaning somewhat vague. I enjoyed it nonetheless, and will give you a quick review: First off, you should probably capitalize this. I found the lack of punctuation and capitalization very irritating, and it makes it even harder for me, as a reader the understand this. It puts me off, pushes me away. You want a poem to draw the reader in, and such a small thing such as formatting and correct grammar actually becomes a big thing. I also think you should divide this into some sort of clean form, put it into stanzas. When I first clicked this, the long chunks and lack of capitalization immediately put me off...but I won't go on.

Lumi wrote:I would sell anything I own for that peace;
for that moment in the darkness between clamour.
Quiet when there are suddenly no problems -no pains unresolved. "When there are suddenly no problems" reads really awkward and in general isn't very creative or imaginative.Try changing it..."Quietness, where problems disappear" for example.

I imagine it feels like the moment when dark waves rise,
pulling the weight off of your shoulders so gently.
Smooth, like weak tides on the sand. "Weak tides"? Eh. Doesn't sound too great...I don't imagine tides as 'weak', and if they are, 'weak' doesn't seem a very good word. Maybe it's just me.

It’s the unknown; the uncharted waters
where bearings matter only if you want them to. Hmm, this realllly bothered me. It sounds quite blunt and awkward, and WHY wouldn't bearings matter? If you were lost in uncharted waters, with NO bearings, you'd be screwed! Excuse me if I'm taking this the wrong way, but this simile was annoying to me.
You and I will end up adrift in that seaward fog Hmm, OK, so maybe leave the 'bearings not mattering' part, but I still think you should change the wording.
because we don’t want to care, we don’t want to know. What do you not want to know?

I like to think that after that second in the dark, Too many 'thats'. Try re-wording it, it's difficult to read...
you are given a day to feel all the brighter things
that your life couldn’t quite give you. The last three lines felt like a long run-on, not sure how to change this, just thought I'd mention it.
You find your first kiss between geysers of light,
and scale a waterfall backwards because time--
time can’t lord over you anymore. Nice, nice, nice. I liked these few lines.
neither can gravity,
nor can love nor hate nor any of the anchors between. Eh. Don't like these last two lines. It draws away from the strength, the drama. I'd personally just take them out. And I'm not sure what 'anchors between' you're talking about anyway...

So I want to feel the brush of clouds against my face
when the droplets in the wind rise in a gale of tears.
They’re the memories of that other place,
held together in the clouds.

So. As I said, some of the wording is quite beautiful, but at other times it's awkward, unnecessary or just plainly needs re-wording. I think you should also have more of a clear 'point' to this poem, it needs something as an actual base, since it feels a bit too abstract right now. I like it. I like the idea, but next time before posting, clean up punctuation, grammar, capitalization and form. And as I said, maybe add some strength to the base of the poem. Good luck!