Love At Sight Chapter 1

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His blank eyes stared into her confused ones and her heart silently wailed in despair. She cursed all the Gods she could remember for her wretched luck. She couldn’t believe that just when she thought that she was free to fly, destiny had once again played a cruel joke on her and tied her down to the ground.

She looked at him and she couldn’t help but feel bitter. She knew she was being ungrateful and she tried to revive those old flames but nothing helped. Earlier, things used to be different. He just had to be near her and her heartbeat would rapidly increase, butterflies would flutter happily in her belly, and a sudden warmth would suddenly engulf her heart, she would be in seventh heaven.

But now, looking at him she felt a terrible sense of despair. She wanted to go out explore the world but she couldn’t and it was all because of him.

“Are you upset with me?” His gentle words cut into her pungent thoughts.

“Me? Upset with you?" She replied, but she couldn’t keep the resentment out of her voice. "You did such a sacrificing thing for me. How can I be anything but grateful to you?”

He sensed her animosity and let out a deep sigh and then spoke in a soft, low voice.

“It’s true that I can no longer see your face but I can feel that something is amiss. You evidently don’t like me anymore, don’t enjoy my company anymore.”

She didn’t have the patience to answer his self pitying discourses, so she just gave a curt reply.

“No, of course not.”

It sounded false even to her.

He smiled a benign smile as if he knew things she didn’t and that irked her.

In the the last few days her behavior had turned from bad to horrible. She tried to drive away the spiteful thoughts, and in her heart she knew that she ought to be gratified but her malignant thoughts and the passing days had even corrupted her heart. She knew that he had sensed all this and now no doubt would remind her about his love and the sacrifice he made for her. She was ready with her terse replies.

“You can go”

This caught her off guard. What did he mean by that? Go? Go where? Did he need something? Of course, that was it he needed something and he was asking her to go and fetch. Hah! As if she was his slave.

“You need something” Her voice was cold.

Again the irksome smile,

“Need something! Yes, I need a lot of things. But I don’t think I will get any of those.”

“Then, where do you want me to go?”

“Wherever you want to go”

“Go wherever I want to go and leave you? You say it as if it is possible”

She threw the sharp words at him.

“Yes, it is possible. I want you to go. I am telling you to go.”

“Stop it. You know that’s not possible. I am tied to you for forever now. I am in shackles yet again.”

His smile was gone; his expression was pained as he said

“The shackles are in your mind. They were then and they are now. You can free yourself whenever you want. No one’s stopping you, you can go”

“Why did you do this to me? Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?"

She was screaming now. There were angry tears in her eyes.

“You know that I did what I did because I loved you. I didn’t do it to make you unhappy. The only reason I did it was because I couldn’t see you suffering. I saw that you wanted desperately to go out and explore the world. I wanted to make that possible. But I guess I never figured that I would be the one stopping you. I am sorry.”

She couldn’t answer. She was in turmoil. Her mind was battling out the situation. A part of her wanted to walk out and never come back. But a smaller, tinier voice told her that she couldn’t do this. At least, not to this man who had given her such a wonderful gift. But was this a gift if she couldn’t even enjoy it?

He continued, “It never mattered to me that you were blind, you know. It never did bother me.”

“Hah! So that is it, isn’t it? Guilt me into loving you, that is what you are doing. I can’t do this anymore. You’re right, I should leave. Goodbye."

With that she crossed the distance to the door in two long strides and left before her tear ducts gave up or her heart stopped her.

He rested his head on the pillow, closed his eyes, and sighed a long sigh.
Last edited by trisanki on Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hey! I really liked this story! I like the sense of angst and it's also got resentment but a refreshing sense of romance. Pretty good combination and it's not even the least bit cliché! Good job! However, I do have just a few nitpicks. None major, just little errors. Here goes:


But now, looking at him she felt a terrible sense of despair. She wanted to go out explore the world but she couldn’t and all because of him.

I think that the tense was a little awkward, perhaps try something like-"But now, as she looked at him she felt a terrible sense of despair. She wanted to go out and explore the world but she couldn't and it was all because of him.

“Are you upset with me?” His gentle words cut into her pungent thoughts.




“Me? Upset with you? Why should I be? You did such a sacrificing thing for me how can I be anything but grateful to you?” she replied but she couldn’t keep the resentment out of her voice.

I think you should cut this sentence in half, try something like this: "Me? Upset with you?" She replied, but she couldn't keep the resentment out of her voice. "You did such a sacrificing thing for me. How can I be anything but grateful to you?" As you will see, I have prodded at a few things. I've cut the sentence with a pause in the middle because I feel the rhythm is more natural than one on-going sentence. I've also put the last sentence in two, because it was missing a full stop. You'll see if you read over it.

.

“It’s true thatI can no longer see your face, but I can feel that something is amiss. You evidently don’t like me anymore, don’t enjoy my company anymore.”

She didn’t have the patience to answer to his self pitying discourses, so she just gave a curt reply
.
“No, of course not.” Cut out the 'to'.


“Why did you do this to me? Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?
Missing a quotation mark at the end.


But was this a gift if she couldn’t even enjoy it.
Should be a question.


Overall, this was a great piece and had a lot of feeling! Well done.
The only true failure, is when you give up. ♥




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Hi, I'm Leah, I'm gonna review your lovely peice of work here.
First off, let me just say that I love your vocabulary in this. I especially enjoyed that you used the word 'irk' so many times. I love that word. Seriously, if someone does something to annoy me I yell, "Oh my gosh, you irk me!"
Anyway, to the review now:

trisanki wrote:His blank eyes stared into her confused ones and her heart silently wailed in despair. She cursed all the gods she could remember for her wretched luck. She couldn’t believe that just when she thought that she was free to fly, destiny had once again played a cruel joke on her and tied her down to the ground.

She looked at him and she couldn’t help but feel bitter. She knew she was being ungrateful and she tried to revive those old flames, but nothing helped. Earlier, things used to be different. He just had to be near her and her heartbeat would rapidly increase, butterflies would flutter happily in her belly, and a sudden warmth would suddenly engulf her heart. She would be in seventh heaven.

But now, looking at him, she felt a terrible sense of despair. She wanted to go out and explore the world, but she couldn’t, and all because of him.

“Are you upset with me?” His gentle words cut her pungent thoughts.

“Me? Upset with you? Why should I be? You did such a sacrificing thing for me. How can I be anything but grateful to you?” she replied, but she couldn’t keep the resentment out of her voice.

He sensed her animosity and let out a deep sigh and then spoke in a soft, low voice. This sentance just sounds kind of weird. The first part up to 'sigh' is fine, but then it gets weird. Like, I would continue with "Before he spoke, in a soft, low voice.

“It’s true I can’t see your face any longer, but I can feel that something is amiss. You evidently don’t like me anymore, don’t enjoy my company anymore.”

She didn’t have the patience to answer to his self pitying discourses, so she just gave a curt reply.

“No, of course not.”

It sounded false even to her.

He smiled a benign smile as if he knew things she didn’t and that irked her.

In the last few days her behaviour had turned from bad to horrible. She tried to drive away the spiteful thoughts, and in her heart she knew that she ought to be gratified, but her malignant thoughts and the passing days had even corrupted her heart. She knew that he had sensed all this and now no doubt would remind her about his love and the sacrifice he made for her. She was ready with her terse replies.

“You can go”

This caught her off guard. What did he mean by that? Go? Go where? Did he need something? Of course, that was it, he needed something and he was asking her to go and fetch it. Hah! (That just seems a little awkward where it is) As if she was his slave.

“You need something?” Her voice was cold.

Again the irksome smile.

“Need something! Yes, I need a lot of things. But I don’t think I will get those.” (Once again, this is a little awkward. I would write it "Need something?" he asked increduously. "Yes, I need a lot of things. But I don't think I will get any of those."

“Then, where do you want me to go?”

“Wherever you want to go.

“Go wherever I want to go and leave you? You say it as if it's possible”

She threw the sharp words at him.

“Yes, it is possible. I want you to go. I am telling you to go.”

“Stop it. You know that’s not possible. I am tied to you forever now. I am in shackles, yet again.”

His smile was gone; his expression was pained as he said,“The shackles are in your mind. They were then and they are now. You can free yourself whenever you want. No one’s stopping you, you can go.

“Why did you do this to me? Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why? Why?"

She was screaming now. There were angry tears in her eyes.

“You know that I did what I did because I loved you. I didn’t do it to make you unhappy. The only reason I did it was because I couldn’t see you suffering. I saw that you wanted desperately to go out and explore the world. I wanted to make that possible. But I guess I never figured that I would be the one stopping you. I am sorry.”

She couldn’t answer. She was in turmoil. Her mind was battling out the situation. A part of her wanted to walk out and never come back. But a smaller, tinier voice told her that she couldn’t do this. At least, not to this man who had given her such a wonderful gift. But was this a gift if she couldn’t even enjoy it?

He continued, “It never mattered to me that you were blind, you know. It never did bother me.”

“Hah! So that is it, isn’t it? Guilt me into loving you, that is what you are doing. I can’t do this anymore. You’re right, I should leave. Goodbye."

With that she crossed the distance to the door in two long strides and left before her tear ducts gave up or her heart stopped her.

He rested his head on the pillow, closed his eyes, and sighed a long sigh.


So it's a good story. What I'm getting is that he gave her his vision because she was blind. I hope that's right. Really, there were only two things I had a problem with. First of all, the dialouge. The fourth sentance from the bottom, here I'll make it blue. You probably read it all and were like, why the heck is that blue? Now you know! That's how i usually like reading stuff. Where the descriptions of how they're saying it and things are with the words. It seems like you don't have enough of that in this. Here, in case you don't really know what I'm saying, because I can be confusing sometimes, I mean you would write it like this :"I like this story!" But the way I like to see it is: "I like this story," Leah said excitedly.
And then the second thing I had a problem with is the formality. I mean, I know third person is hard to do. But you have parts all over the story where you say things where it ends up being like "it's", with the apostraphe. But then other parts are "I am" and stuff. And that just doesn't sound right. It's too formal, you know. Nobody talks that way (sorry if you talk that way). When someone reads a book, they want to be able to sink into it. You can't really if people sound awkward and formal. Just a thought.
Overall, there were just some grammer and puncuation and things. All of the red are suggestions, of course. I don't know what your vision is. So.. yeah.
Anyway, overall on the actual story, it's great. I like it. I'll be reading more hopefully soon.
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous



Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
— Mark Twain