thunderclap on lips, you slept with morphine dripping like the set of an unsteady heart
and a ghost knelt on your breath, heavy and soaking into your chest, with a halfheard murmur, bleeding.
but you pulled me to it with your fraying arms and you told me that I couldn't stay: I reminded you of how it was to feel alive and you-- you were thin as thread and unravelling like bandages.
cracked silently like old ceramic, you wore white to your bed and settled under fog, sleeping;
Hey Perse!! I'm so excited, I get to be the first to review this poem!! I always love reading your works, they're all so thought-provoking. I'm extremely interested to know what your objective was in writing this poem. It seemed to me like it was left pretty open-ended. I could definitely detect a sad, almost haunting overtone to it. When I read, I tend to apply images very vividly in my mind. When I read this poem, I instantly thought of my all-time favorite movie, "La Vie En Rose", which depicts the life of the famous French singer Edith Piaf. Her demise was the result of her addiction to morphine, and several scenes in the movie were brought to mind when I read this poem. As for critiques, well, I honestly can't say I have anything to complain about. I doubt I could even find something if I got super nit-picky. I guess basically all I have to say is good job and definitely keep it up!!! Thanks for being awesome! Molly P.S. if you haven't seen La Vie En Rose, I HIGHLY recommend it.
"Music - that's been my education. There's not a day that goes by that I take it for granted." -BJA
"I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it." -The Help
I honestly don't understand why people think that not using capital letters is going to make their poem more personal, or emotional - this was good and sent across a good message, but it was still lacking in correct poetic techniques. Aside from that, not bad, and keep writing.. WITH CAPITALS.
See what I did there?
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers. To envy. To madness. Betrayal. Love. And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing. But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love. To be human.
I suppose I don't have much to say, you should already understand that this is a well written and excellent work. I haven't perfected the art of reviewing but I would like to heartily disagree with MamaLama95. Lower-cased stanzas provide an indescribably tender atmosphere in this poem that upper-case or capitalization just can't compete with.
A few more bits of commentary: I love the emotion and flow through your stanzas, the choice of words and rhythm is truly well done. I'm a bit partial and impartial to someone choosing an Antlers song because I adore them. Thus, I was a little nervous that I'd be negatively bias when seeing you chose them. I mean, who could do Silberman justice? I can safely say that you have written a poem that does. Just wonderful. Someday I'll get better at criticism and give you some flack, but for now I cannot find any.
Sooo, Percy, sort of jealous of your talent, not going to lie. =] This piece was really moving, and I liked how you didn't capitalize much, though that usually drives writers insane. It just makes the poem that more.. interesting. Makes you think more. Your wording in this piece was impecable, absolutely perfect. Very lovely piece =]
That is an amazing poem, it tells a story and keeps you interested. I am trully facinated with it! There is only one specific problem in which you share with many other poet's The ability to make it flow with rythm, It is with out a doubt one of the most ecxeptional works. Keep it up.
