Witchy - ness Chapter 1

The beeping alarm greeted Jinx in the morning. She woke up with no idea what the day had in store for her. For her, it was yet another day to be ridiculed because of her obnoxiously long nose. You have read scores of articles and books describing the teenage pangs and pains. And our Jinx here was a sort of expert on this field. Having briefly introduced you to Jinx’s abhorrent nose which is a big part of her teenage miseries, we will delve further into her matters (nosey and otherwise). Her nose is so odious that a whole book could be written about it and still it wouldn’t cover all its ‘attributes’. But don’t worry I am not here to write about Jinx’s nose, maybe I will write a book about it later. Now you just know the bare atrocities faced by poor Jinx because of her nose. Her nose made her stand out in any group. She was always the first one to be selected in their school plays, not as Snow White but as the wicked witch. The Pinocchio nose is also the deterring factor because of which she never gets any dates.

Done with her morning musings about her nose, she got up from bed and tripped. 'Ooops', this word which is not even a word is a big part of her life along with ‘Ouch’, ‘Aargh’, ‘Uff’. Yes, her miseries don’t just end with her obnoxious nose. God had not been as kind to allow her to carry her nose with a little bit of grace and dignity. No she had to be a klutz, tripping and falling every other minute.

She managed to reach the breakfast table without any further injury and found her dear mother cooking for her. Her heart always did a somersault whenever she saw her mother.

Her mom was in mid forty’s but she was stunning. Deeply seamed face with no sign of freckles.Honey-blond hair with blue streaks, hazel- brown eyes that can mesmerize the heart of any guy. The only thing she has in common with her daughter is the long nose. But her mom had a roman pretty pink nose which added a charm to her beauty. Instead of jarring or marring her beauty, her nose gave her an aristocratic look.

She was mulling over the fact that she had a presentation due today in her English class. And yes, she was not good in public speaking. Yes, its because her nose gains more attention than her speech and well you get the drift.

“You alright, honey?” Her mom’s concerned voice butted in her routine morning musings over her nose.

Weird. Definitely Weird. It was not as if her mom was unaware of her morning glum periods, in fact her mom teased her endlessly about it. What was weirder was that her mom was asking her this question quite a lot over the past couple of days, almost as if she was expecting something to happen, waiting for it.

“Honey, you alright?” Mom asked again.

Fishy. What could she be hiding from her ?

“Fit as a horse, mom”.

She decided some manipulative scheming on her part was needed to weasel out her mom’s sudden superfluous concern over her health.

“Mom, is something wrong ? Why are you acting like I am going to drop dead suddenly?

If I haven’t mentioned it before, you probably know by now subtlety is not something Jinx is good at. Her manipulative schemings went up in smoke. Whoosh. Not that she cared. Her mom never kept secrets from her. Never

“Nothing dear, am just worried about you. Mothers are supposed to do that aren’t they ?” And with that she walked out of the room. ‘

Her mom never fussed over her health and she has never left the room in middle of a conversation before.

Her mom was not being honest with her. And that was not good. But boy, she never knew this was just the beginning of a day which was filled with surprises, new discoveries, secrets.

Her (un)normal - ness was about to go for a spin.

i liked it i liked the begininng bestest. you used a few words i didnt know so thats good. keep up good work.

Well, I notice you made a lot of grammer mistakes. I mean a lot. This is a good start though. I like how this is going. I noticed you changed from 3rd person to 1st person, which is confusing.

The beeping alarm greeted jinx in the morning.

Is her name Jinx?

She woke up with no idea what the day had store for her.

Doesn't sound right. But I could be wrong.

You have read scores of articles and books describing the teenage pangs and pains.

I really don't like this sentence at all.

Have briefly introduced you to jinx’s abhorrent nose which is a big part of her teenage miseries.

Having....

But don’t worry we are not here to write about jinx’s nose, maybe we will write a book about it later.

Who is we?

The horrid nose is also the deterring factor because of which she never gets any dates.

I don't like this sentence either.

Oops. This word which is not even a word is a big part of her life along with ‘Ouch’, ‘Aargh’, ‘Uff’.

Between the opps and this words need either a comma or a ;

Weird. Definitely Weird

Weird, definitely weird. Maybe?

The only thing she has common with her daughter is the long nose.

....she has in common with..nose.

Yes, its because her nose gains more attention than her speech/talk/content/voice, pretty much everything.

You don't need the speech/talk/content/voice stuff. You can say any one of those.
Well, I like how you are trying to interact with your readers but don't switch point of views. Keep writing and praticing.

Heyo, Apple here.

It sounds like a Disney movie. I love Disney movies! Your narrative voice is hilarious and Jinx is just the strawberry to top the cake. I really like the way you've written this story, it made me laugh and smile with mostly every line. And your descriptive words to explain the mother's appearance were really different. I liked them because they didn't sway on the same line most people do when they're describing good looks.

Another thing I thought I'd point out is that you understand how to add variety to characters. Most people have their characters marching on the same strand so they're not very different and their faults are practically the same though from the two characters you've shown I can easily see the differences. I like how you've made Jinx so real-like. My Mum also suffers from a large nose (not as BAD as Jinx's though) because she broke it long ago and she has very bad self esteem because of it. You did really well crafting Jinx because I can see her perfectly, and I feel like I can feel her pain. A very good character, is what I am trying to say. Realistic more importantly for a teenage girl!

The one major factor that did affect your story was your grammar. Even with a good story like this the quality was brought down because of the missing words, hyphons, commas and all that jazz. You really need to work on this if you want more people to understand just how much value this story has. I absolutely love it, though will other people if they find mistakes? I've linked a thread to this page that will help in everything from apsotrophes to commars, I really reccomend you read it as it will help to no end. It helped me and I'm sure it will do the same for you.

I am not one to fix up grammar and spelling because I feel that it doesn't help the author, I only help with the plot and setting and other jazzy stuff like that. There was nothing I could pick up when it came to plot as this is short and already I know exactly who the MC and I know her hardships through life, and I have an inkling future chapters will be about. Which is good, may I add! What I do suggest, so I don't look useless, is that you follow the edits of Creativemuse1 because she did point out a lot of important things.

One thing I will pick on that she (I am very sorry if Creativemuse1 is male, I just can't see the little emoticon that tells me) said was the first quote: Jinx. Since she is your MC you have to highlight her name in capital letters all the way through the story. If you don't many will just think you're talking about the word jinx and not referring the MC's first name. It's very important so I do suggest that you go through the whole story and make sure that every single Jinx has a capital letter. This goes for every place/person or anything that has a name. Everything must have a capital letter, period!

Other then the grammar I thought this was a very interesting peice. Like I said before, I like the disney feel with your voice coming over the top of Jinx's actions. And you're funny so that only makes it even more golden. Good luck, I hope that you'd tell me when you've finished writing the next chapter. It will be extremely helpful because I really went to find out what happens to Jinx!

Nice chapter name, first off.

The story narration is good and playful. The playfulness is very pleasant and is a refreshing change for reading.
I like how you put Jinx's personal thoughts and feelings about her nose and how it injures her teenager pride. Goodness knows what I'd do with a nose like that! Nice description about the school plays, too. I like how you put in her mother's description and her nose too.

Maybe to build up some more characterization subtly, you could put very direct, blunt dialogue for Jinx- particularly blunt- without narrating the bluntness. If you do it just right- which no doubt you will- we readers will need no explanations of the frankness. It is good that you put what Jinx thought of herself, but also try to put in what others think of her down the road of your story. It builds a good picture of the story. Maybe to put in some physical descriptions, some person could examine her after they've met and think through her looks, you know what I mean?

Maybe a little background, when you have time. So what kind of school? Is it some fantasy school with hobgoblins or something? jk.

But very nice beginning. I like your writing style. Again, very unique. Keep up the good work.

i loved the way you described the characters! Seem life-like and of course real. And its quite engaging so do put up the next part of the story!

it was an interesting story, but there is such a thing as being too playful. When writing a novel with a joking air you are balancing on a knifes edge, on one side there is the normal, unfunny story, on the other is a story that seems like a complete joke and that the reader will not take seriously. I feel as if I know absolutely nothing about your character, jinx. Many might the=ink that your playful tone counts as characterization, but the truth is it only goes to a certain extent. Your character is funny. Whoop-dee-doo. Now tel me more about her! The result is that jinx is a very flat, one sided character who's only trait is being funny. But even then, your story goes over the line into the realm of stupid. Not that your story is stupid, or your character, but that is truthfully how the reader feels when reading. At the beginning, when you first talked about Jinx's nose, it was funny. But after an entire paragraph I lost interest. Jinx seems vain, too locked on her looks (and more specifically her nose) to notice anything else. The first thing she comments on when she enters the kitchen is her mother, and how pretty her mother is compared to her. The occasional comment on the nose makes it funny. A whole paragraph on it makes it seem silly, vain, and boring. Every comment after seems like a repetition of what you said before. Also, you need more description. The only description you have is about physical features. Why not go into more depth about emotions and the world around Jinx. And finally, your story goes way to fast. One moment shes waking up. She talks about her nose. She's ready to go and in the kitchen.... What about what goes imbetween? The glue is just as important as the paper.
Keep writing, and keep reading. Let me suggest a book to you that will help you get the right combination of funny and everything else. The Georgia Nicholson series isn't about witches, but I think it has the voice your going for.
Hope this helped!