deaf to tears

All that I've done
is reeked with the stench of love
a selfishness while martyrs scream
My pride was their downfall
they will never get to feel this pain

A race through the dark
death as my finish
guilt is weighing me down
I can't enjoy it like they do

since I was born
I reached for a stretch of love
a part of a life that should've been
my eyes, my dirty eyeball
they will never get to see this pain

a race through the dark
life will finish
the sorrow I follow
I will never be that little boy

the cry you won't hear
your deaf to my tears
the touch you don't feel
they're blind, say it's not real

I really enjoyed reading this, I'm glad I took the time to. I loved the imagery and the vocabulary I couldn't fault them. The only thing I will say is you mention "them" and "they" but then you randomly change to you on this line

I can't enjoy it like you do

My only criticism would be to stick to they. :] Other than that I thought this was fantastic and you should to continue to write such amazing poetry because I certainly loved it.

This poem feels a little misguided to me - you don't have a clear sense of who it is you're aiming at, or who you're talking to. And if you do, it can't be detected; you've got some nice one-liners and the grammar and punctuation is perfectly fine, but apart from that it's a little bit underdeveloped and I don't think your heart's fully in it to be perfectly honest. Proofread it, and take the previous suggestions to heart; I'm sure it can be improved by miles if you take another look at it.

Waa.. this is a great poem! You have a way with words. Now onto the technical part...

All that I've done
is reeked with the stench of love--
a selfishness while martyrs scream.
My pride was their downfall;
they will never get to feel this pain.

A race through the dark,
death as my finish
guilt is weighing me down.
I can't enjoy it like they do.

since I was born
I reached for a stretch of love,
a part of a life that should've been.
my eyes, my dirty eyeball...
they will never get to see this pain.

a race through the dark...
life will finish
the sorrow I follow.
I will never be that little boy.

the cry you won't hear -- loved this stanza!
you're deaf to my tears,
the touch you don't feel...
they're blind, say it's not real!

I'm going to start by saying I didn't like this. I wanted to get that out in the open now as I'm not sure you'll want to read my criticism but that's up to you. First, here's a few line-by-line comments. I'll point out what I think has potential and what I think needs fixing:

All that I've done [This first line I quite like.]
is reeked with the stench of love [Reeked and stench are fighting too hard against each other. You don't need both as they mean the same thing! It would be moe powerful to use just one. But I think you could bee more creative anyway. There's so much you could say. You could say it's branded by love or you could say it's drowned by love. Those are just quick examples! You could be really visual and stuff.]
a selfishness while martyrs scream [It may be more fun to have us woork out ffor ourselves how selfless he has been. As soon as I read this I stopped liking your persona as it feels too much like self pity when it's marked out like this and only works when it's done dramatically.]
My pride was their downfall
they will never get to feel this pain [Interesting. You outline this as almost like it's something they're missing out on. I'd like to see you go into that more!]

A race through the dark
death as my finish
guilt is weighing me down
I can't enjoy it like they do [There's nothing visuual here or interestinng. This stanza was dull.]

since I was born
I reached for a stretch of love
a part of a life that should've been
my eyes, my dirty eyeball [Here's another piece that may be worth salvaging/ rescuing? Dirty eyeball. Where does that image come from? What other imagess can you tie in with it? The other lines are prettyy mundane.]
they will never get to see this pain

a race through the dark
life will finish
the sorrow I follow
I will never be that little boy [Finding it hard to care abbout the persona so wasn't a fan of this stanza either. Also, no strong imagery again!]

the cry you won't hear
your [You're. Please spell it right. Please?] deaf to my tears
the touch you don't feel
they're blind, say it's not real


Alright soo I haven't much more to add. To be honest I think you should probably take another shot with another idea as the best way to get good at poetry is to just keep writing it. There's a few lines in here that intrigue me. Maybe start with the idea that people who don't have pain in their lives are missing out on a lot that the world has to offer? That you can't truly appreciate the good things until you've had the bad?

Good luck! Feell free to ask me questions/ send me a pm if you want another review,

Heather xxx

All that I've done
is reeked with the stench of love
a selfishness while martyrs scream
My pride was their downfall
they will never get to feel this pain

A race through the dark
death as my finish
guilt is weighing me down
I can't enjoy it like they do

since I was born
I reached for a stretch of love
a part of a life that should've been
my eyes, my dirty eyeball
they will never get to see this pain

a race through the dark
life will finish
the sorrow I follow
I will never be that little boy

the cry you won't hear
your deaf to my tears
the touch you don't feel
they're blind, say it's not real


All I can say is beautiful!!!
And Since this is poetry the first letter to the begining of every new line and each new stanza should be capitalised. And put puntuation at the end of each line. Like the end of this poem should've had a period, and some of the other lines maybe a cama, you know, like that. Watch puntuation and capitalisation.
Other than that, you rock!
Don't ever, ever, ever, stop writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nice work, I liked it. You clearly don't suffer from lack of imagination, so that's good... but I still think that you could've used some more descriptive words instead of just pointing out all that's happening. Also.. you shoul always begin a stanza with a BIG letter not a teeny-tiney one ^^ Also, look over your punctuation and all is good.

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness