As always, as with all of your writing, I enjoyed this. Your grammar was great and the piece flowed with such ease that it really was a joy to read.
I have to admit though, I'm not completely sure the disappointment out-shone the sadness. I would have thought, if I hadn't known that this was for the Capture that emotion contest, that your aim with this piece was to make the reader sad. It sure made me sad.
I think you could add more disappointment however, to when he rejects her and slams the door. You could make her think something along the lines of 'and with the door now between them, all sense of hope was gone. The light had dimmed and she was left feeling cold, shut out again.' That's a lame and rushed example but you get the feeling of what I think she should feel, right? It would show just how disappointed she is that he didn't make an effort with her.
The contrast between the bright sunny day and her optimism was good and effective though. It helped to make the aftermath of the boy choosing not to join in more significant as the reader got to see her change in behaviour. You really are good at writing, you know
I just think it needs a little something more, at the point that she realises that her plan isn't going to work. Then the disappointment aspect of the story will really shine.
As for moving the end paragraph to the start, I think that could possibly work. But I'm not sure if then, the contrast between her moods, will be as great. Just have a play around with it and see what works best
I hope this helps you on your quest to getting this even better than it is now!
Good luck in the contest!
xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.
'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
Interesting story you have here. I like your execution and your voice. I particularly enjoyed the voice. Good job on that!
Onto the comments.
I love the contrast you showed. It was done well. The start was a perfect example of a happy-sunshiney-perfect day! The description was good too. Kudos! But like Dudette said, the disappointment isn't strong enough. You take pains in establishing her feeling in the beginning that is slowly being shifted to a different feeling. It's just that, the story doesn't make me feel disappointed. You need to make your writing stronger and more powerful in the latter half. Because I truly felt happy for her in the beginning and although I was sad for her at the end, I wish I could feel more. Show us more of her disappointment, please. This would would ohsowonderful if you managed to get the disappointment loud and clear enough to create a heaviness in the reader's heart.
Good luck!
~Lava
~ Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know. - Ian McEwan in Atonement
Hey! So, the title was particular eye-catching, good job with that! (I saw afterwards that it was indeed your work)
Anywayz, onto the comments! I feel that you really draw the portrayal of a woman (stepmom) whose trying to make things fit back together after the catastrophe. The only thing that sort of disappointed me in this story is that you don't tell us WHAT catastrophe happened. And I know that sometimes the reason is not as important as the result, but still, I feel this work could be even greater if you gave some hints. AAaaand, I like the way you make this one image of a woman spraying a hose into such a complicated story with layers and layers of background and emotion! This probably didn't help, but anywayz, keep trying and work hard! Azntwinz2
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