Patchwork Hearts

We sit on a blanket counting the stars:
One for you and me and all the lovers
That ever knit themselves into this earth.
I examine the fraying patchwork of our hands,
Once woven so tightly that I could snuggle up
And dream of fireplaces and warm mugs of tea.
But now I count the holes between our fingers
And the cavernous creases in our palms,
Too deep to bother ironing them out.
I tug at a thread of conversation as you
Continue to unravel right in front of me.
I’d thought that this thing we’d spent months
Carefully making with our bare hands
Until they were numb from the effort
Of trying too hard to hold on – well,
I’d thought that we’d made it stronger than this.
We stretched it too thin when I curled up
In all your empty spaces, and you in mine.
And we can patch it up, sew the tears
But we both know it will only rip again.
This blanket is far too cold for me now;
I didn’t notice when it lost its comforting warmth.
And I think it’s time we throw it away.

We sit on a blanket counting the stars:
One for you and me and all the lovers
That ever knit themselves into this earth.

I think you wanted to say that there was one star for each couple, but instead it came out that there was one star for all couples. It wouldn't take very long to count in that case.

But now I count the holes between our fingers

Are they holes or spaces?

I’d thought that this thing we’d spent months
Carefully making with our bare hands
Until they were numb from the effort
Of trying too hard to hold on – well,
I’d thought that we’d made it stronger than this.

This goes on way too long. I'm not sure how else to describe it, except as the poetic equivalent to a run-on sentence.

I think the concept is okay. Some of the imagery is confused by the word choices and a little grammar. The run-on stanza should probably be separated into two different ideas: first the amount of effort put in and second the failure of that effort. That would help cut down on the length of that run-on.

I was confused. I got what you were saying and all, but every time I read this, I got confused. I think you should do a little work on it, but i do like the part where you're talking about the blankets. It was a good concept and it was very interesting. Keep writing.

Hi Pen,

Here I am to review. Poetry isn't my strong suit and it's been a while since I've reviewed, so bear with me. But, all in all, I thought that this was a really beautiful poem. All of the technical/composition type things are all there -- word choice, vocabulary, flow, imagery are all excellent. You did a good job transporting me into the scene where this takes place; I could almost feel the breeze against my skin and hear the mosquitoes and crickets (I'm hopefully correct in assuming this takes place in summer, yes?) I think that it also helps that I've read your blogs and can probably take a safe guess as to who this is about?

However, something left me strangely blank and empty when I read this poem -- it's kind of a downer .If this is based off of your personal expediences, from what I understand, then that's fine. Sorry if you don't like Taylor Swift, but I think you should take a look at this song and really pay attention to the lyrics.

She wrote it when she was your age and because her boyfriend was going off to college and she had to break up with him. Now I don't know if this is specifically what your poem is about, but she takes a sad subject that would bring a lot of tears and doesn't overplay the sadness or the happiness; like she says in the song, it's bittersweet. I think this poem would benefit from a similar approach; you say in the beginning that the relationship was happy at first, but I would
try to go more into the happiness of the whole thing, and try to incorporate some optimism in the ending.

That's all I have; feel free to shoot me a PM if you have any questions. ^^

~ Elinor

We sit on a blanket counting the stars:
One for you and me and all the lovers
That ever knit themselves into this earth.
I examine the fraying patchwork of our hands,
Once woven so tightly that I could snuggle up
And dream of fireplaces and warm mugs of tea.
But now I count the holes between our fingers
And the cavernous creases in our palms,
Too deep to bother ironing them out.
I tug at a thread of conversation as you
Continue to unravel right in front of me.
I’d thought that this thing we’d spent months
Carefully making with our bare hands
Until they were numb from the effort
Of trying too hard to hold on – well,
I’d thought that we’d made it stronger than this.
We stretched it too thin when I curled up
In all your empty spaces, and you in mine.
And we can patch it up, sew the tears
But we both know it will only rip again.
This blanket is far too cold for me now;
I didn’t notice when it lost its comforting warmth.
And I think it’s time we throw it away.

While this is interesting Pen, what's with the obvious topic and weak ending?

You have some seriously interesting attempts at wordplay and metaphor, imagery that almost hits it right, and then you back off and return to this obsession with love and romance. I haven't got much else to say except make it more than that.

Patchwork what? Make that a developed metaphor. Not love though. It leaves you having to make the weak ending your poem rolled over and died to fulfill. I think this has potential, aim for that.

Also, divide the lines here and make this more aesthetically approachable. Few poems are perfect in one block form.