Hunted

A/N: This story takes place during medieval times.



I pumped my legs, running as I had never run before. Sweat poured off my brow, and occasionally clouded my vision. A grin stretched across my face. I ran through the forest as if I was flying.

"Ha, you'll never catch me! Don't kid yourself!" I said aloud. I could barely convince myself let alone the others.

"You are playing with death, my friend," snorted one of my pursuers.

"Okay, friend. If you say I'm playing with death, does that mean that you're playing with idiocy? You forget. Death is one of my greatest allies." I would not be defeated with words.

I made a sharp turn to avoid a tree. Bloodhounds barked , with leash tight, dragging their handlers--the posse of not-so-nice castle guards. Perhaps I should rephrase that. They were more like dungeon guards. Now, don't get the wrong idea. I was the good guy.

"I hope you do realize that just the thought of escaping means certain death for all prisoners alike. I'm sure we can arrange something special for you," barked a pursuer.

I risked a glance back. They were hard on my heels. I displayed an air of confidence, but it was merely a guise. Calm down, would you?, I thought. You'll be fine. You know this forest. Don't fool yourself. That was true. I knew the forest like the back of my hand. I glanced around me. It still seemed like the home it had been to me for many years, but it now had a different atmosphere.

I looked up ahead, and saw the trees beginning to thin out. My heart beat faster. With grim determination, I pushed myself even harder. Once out of the trees, I would be vulnerable.

I broke out of the forest and into broad daylight. The people in pursuit of me were rapidly approaching, but they were too late.

A cliff top approached me. A lake lay calmly below. It was maybe thirty feet below, but I would survive. If I was correct, the guards would not follow me off the cliff, for they were too bogged down with gear. They were not willing to risk losing the dogs either.

The sun beat down on me as I approached the rocky ledge. My pursuers broke out of the forest, right on my heels. They were too late. My feet left the ground, and I plummeted over the cliff. I arced my body into a diving position. My body whistled through the air. There was virtually no wind resistance.

I hit the water and shot down into the depths. Bubbles and white foam surrounded me. I opened my eyes, and found myself surrounded by the darkness of the bottom of the lake.

My descent into the water slowed, and I gradually rose back up to the surface. I was soaked to the bone, and my clothes weighed me down, but I was alive. That was all that mattered at the moment. I stripped my shirt off.

My head bobbed over the surface, and I swam towards the lake's shore. My enemies would find a great deal of trouble trying to get down to me. For the time being, I had escaped. I reached the shore and climbed out. I looked up at where my enemies stood looking over the cliff top.

My face broke out into a playful smile. I yelled up to the people looking out over the edge. "What was it you were saying before?" I asked in a mocking voice. With that, I turned my back on them and ran into another forest near the shore, out of sight. Were my enemies through with me?


...

I hope you enjoyed the story! LIKE it if you LIKED it!

What an interesting concept. I loved it. The narrator has a strong voice and very strong characteristics that shone threw in your writing. The first bit of dialogue was a bit confusing during my first read, but by the second time, it made more sense. I'm no sure how he got threw the canopy of the forest, did he climb the trees? The canopy is the very top and up until that part he was just running. Overall I really enjoyed this, good job.

Hi there,
This might be harsh.
But you are young and you have done very well. I'll try keep it relevant.

AlexT wrote:A/N: This story takes place during medieval times.


I pumped my legs, running with full force. A half grin danced across my face.( You have given imagery a real go here and it would be fine except it doesn't really make sense. As you grow as a writer your imagery will become a little more relevant. A grin can't dance, I can't even imagine a grin dancing, its quite absurd. A grin stretched across my face would suffice. You don't need to force imagery if its not really needed ) I ran through the forest has if I were flying.I was quick.

"Ha, you'll never catch me! Don't kid yourself!" I said aloud, hoping that I could actually make myself believe it. I could barely convince myself let alone the others.

One of the men in pursuit of me gave a short laugh. "You are playing with death, my friend."

"You are playing with death, my friend." snorted one of my pursuers.

"Okay, friend. If you say I'm playing with death, does that mean that you're playing with idiocy? You forget. Death is one of my greatest allies." I would not be defeated with words.

I made a sharp turn to avoid a tree. Bloodhounds barked at me, running along with their owners with leash tight, dragging their handlers--the posse of not-so-nice castle guards. Perhaps I should rephrase that. They were more like dungeon guards. I just so happened to be an escapee.(bad, show don't tell, show don't tell, show don't...) Now, don't get the wrong idea. I was the good guy. I had escaped from the bad guys.(Good, internal dialogue)

OK I'm not going to do the whole thing. There is a tonne of work needed to get this up on its feet. At this stage you do a lot of telling. I'm sure it's something you've encountered; the expression "Show don't tell." Show us how your MC feels, what he sees, what he smells, what he feels. Are his feet aching? Can he feel the whiz of an arrow by his ear? Do his eyes sting with tears, his palms moist with sweet? Something I truely believe helps is having a piece of literature which you admire at hand when you write or edit your work. Every time you feel you are telling too much or your dialogue sounds unrealistic or weak open up the literature and draw a little inspiration see how the pros do it. I'm tired now, it's probably bed time.

Anyway I hope this helps,
At its core there is a fantastic story here you just need to polish it.
Best,
JP

I liked it. It feels like it should be a part of a novel though, not a short story. You created a lot of questions and answered very few of them. Perhaps they're answered in the extended version, I don't know.

It was good, her';s my only nitpick.

"Ha, you'll never catch me! Don't kid yourself!" I said aloud. I could barely convince myself let alone the others.

-I think you should expound on this last sentence a little.

"Okay, friend. If you say I'm playing with death, does that mean that you're playing with idiocy? You forget. Death is one of my greatest allies." I would not be defeated with words.

-same with the last sentence here.

I only glanced through the second review, but it looks like you made a lot of changes, great improvement!
Not let's check out that extended one...

I liked it. You had mr caught right at the start. It was interesting and fast moving. Kept you reading to know if he managed to escape. I agree though, it should be a novel. good luck