Colby's Encounter

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 836
Reviews 51
Clouds rolled by, quickened by the pace of the dull, aqua minivan, and the early sun pattered down on wild green grass occasionally flattened by the heavy grey stones. It was a day meant for skidding along chalk white lines and feeling his arm shatter from the impact of a whirling baseball – not visiting relatives dead before he was even born. At least, that was what Colby fumed to himself.

His parents, on the other hand, were of a different opinion which explained the sudden trip to the countryside. Randy Jackson was a successful lawyer who never went anywhere without his Blackberry and his trustworthy cigarettes that had been the death of his father, grandfather, and pretty much every male relative in his family. Emily Jackson, surprisingly, belonged to a very different stock of human beings. She was a health nut who measured the calories for every meal, she ate five, and her weight at the local fitness gym. Her motto was to never feel stress, a lesson she had learned from her yoga teacher. Although she would have liked to interfere in the lives of her husband and son, just the thought of doing so would, of course, give her stress, so she preferred a laissez faire method.

On this particular day, the whole family happened to be in the midst of brooding. Colby, the star player of his Mini League baseball team, had to give over his prized position of first pitcher to his competitor, Dean, on what was to be the best match of all Mini League history (at least in his mind). And so he decided to make the trip most miserable for his coercive parents by occasionally emitting long, angry sighs and yanking his mother’s seat belt from behind.

Of course, Colby’s actions remained completely unnecessary as both Randy and Emily found enough dissatisfaction on their own. Randy discovered within the first hour, to his amazement, that his trusty Blackberry failed to provide a signal. This reconfirmed his suspicion that he overpaid his phone bills. Emily remembered on two accounts why she hated long road trips. Every time her husband lit a cigarette she recalled the percentages of deaths from second hand smoking. And then after calculating the number of years that was being deducted from her life, she began to feel a disturbed state of mind that she acutely realized to be stress.

“Can we at least turn on some stupid music please?” Colby scowled from the back.

“No dear. Daddy has to pay attention to the road.”

“You mean the grass?” His sarcasm aside, Colby’s observation was quite right. On both sides of the dirt road lay nothing but grass, flowers, and some more grass. And the occasional tree.

After 8 years of raising him, Randy and Emily had realized that the best way to deal with their kid was to not deal with him at all. Which is what they did.

“Why do we have to visit dead people? It’s not like they even know,” Colby said again, determined to be not ignored.

“It’s my father, Colby, not dead people. That makes him your grandfather, so you better show some respect kid,” Randy growled. He was the busy person, and yet he was making time. Nobody appreciated his sacrifices. Now Randy could understand just a little bit how his father had probably felt – just a little bit too late.

“You know, Honey, that’s a little ironic. I mean, you hardly showed respect to your father when he was alive. You can’t just expect Colby to respect someone even you didn’t.” Emily’s usual pacifying temper was burning with injustice at having to face stress.

“I’ve always respected my dad, he worked hard for most of his pitiful life just to raise me and my siblings. Since you grew up pampered underneath that fat slob, you wouldn’t understand what hard work even means!” Colby sighed to himself. This was an argument he had heard before.

It was at that precise moment when he saw her. He noticed her pale skin first, so out of place in the hot sun and shade less graveyard. Her black hair fell down to her elbows and her white dress constantly swirled around her legs and bare feet. At first, she had been sitting down on the grass when their car passed.

Colby scrambled to the back of the van to stare through the window. The girl angled her head up to stare at Colby. It was then that he comprehended why he had felt so uneasy. The eyes were blank, white orbs framed with dark eyelashes. And they weren’t getting any smaller.

The girl, who should have disappeared from view already, was following the minivan. Or floating after it at least. Her skirt rippled from the speed of her body and her arms were stretched out towards him. Colby could hear his heart pound madly as he slowly backed away.

She got close enough to place her hands on the window. The nails that tapered from her bony hands were filthy and sharp. Her bloodless lips pursed in curiosity and her blank eyes scared the wits out of him.

She turned her head first from the left, then to the right. And then, as though she could sense his fear, her pale face slowly settled into a sad grin. She detached herself from the car and stood in the middle of the road. Her white dress swirled calmly as she watched Colby from afar. The distance increased, but he could still see her smile. It was beautiful in its own terribly morose way, and Colby’s young eight year old heart understood this somehow.

And in the intuition that young children often have, which unfortunately goes largely ignored by adults, he decided even dead people needed friends. He raised his hand to wave good-bye. Now she was hardly visible, her black hair whipping against the stainless white of her dress. But right before she disappeared from view, Colby saw the slight, uncertain hand movement. And then she was gone.

“Colby Jackson, get your butt strapped to the seat this instant,” Emily warned, just having discerned her son’s absence.

He climbed back in, a small smile on his face.

“What?” Emily asked suspiciously, and Randy looked up at the review mirror with interest.

“Nothing. Just, I guess visiting dead people isn’t such a bad thing,” Colby replied mysteriously.

Colby’s enthusiasm spread around, with Randy reaching behind to ruffle Colby’s hair fondly and Emily thinking yoga wasn’t the only stress reliever.
Last edited by azntwinz2 on Fri Jul 08, 2011 11:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Please make sure to check out my portfolio! Any comments are immensely desired!




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 600
Reviews 32
Good evening.
Overall, this piece is great. You've managed to develop Colby and his families personalities quite a lot in a short text, which is no easy feat. I enjoyed reading it, and the encounter with the girl was quite creepy. One thing I have noticed is that in some places you repeat Colby's name unnecesarilly, for example "Scared the wits out of Colby". Here it could just be "Scared the wits out of him." Which, in my opinion, would sound slightly better.
I thought the characters were quite realistic. Anybody would think you were a parent yourself from how you wrote Colby's father.
Keep writing :3
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

"And so I arrive, like a sudden windstorm at a kindergarten picnic!" - Dimentio




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8890
Reviews 191
Ah, this was a neat little vignette. Stylistically solid writing, something of a minor plot, more or less a satisfying conclusion. But I think there are many more places you could have gone with this piece.

This work is quite overdeveloped, and that's a problem I often catch myself suffering from. It's when there is an inordinate amount of focus into the details, but the details go by unexplored or never again remembered. When I write, this manifests itself mostly as hyper-detailed worlds used only in small short stories. At the end, while conclusions may be drawn, they must be drawn by the reader themselves -- at that point you have no control over what the reader thinks, and overdevelopment may lead to your readers finding themselves pondering exactly the wrong thing. Case in point, then: I mostly found myself wondering about Colby's family rather than what happened in the story.

So the way you went about to sketch your characters for this work was through a number of small details revealed at the beginning: Randy's chain-smoking, Emily's health-nuttery and obsession with status quo for the sake of stability, Colby's general-kid-likeness, and so on. Immediately I found my eyes glazing over and wondering: man, they sure must get into a lot of fights... I wonder how this affects Colby... will they have a big fight over visiting Randy's dad's grave?...

And this didn't stop. Even as I continued reading the work, I was looking at all the new plot information through a lens of background analyzation of this family. Colby is seeing a ghost, maybe this is a product of psychological trauma from his parents fighting all the time?... The ghost didn't rip his guts out as in a typical ghost story, so maybe this girl is related to him?... Now, you'll be quick to point out (I hope) that this is a good thing; and indeed it is. It's what Hemingway called the "Iceberg theory of writing": you write 20% and the other 80% is realized by the reader as he is reading and understanding the work. Indeed, I consider this the best way to write. The problem, then, is applicability.

In a story which uses the iceberg theory well, the small off-hand character comments which leave you thinking start slowly piling up on the back-burner. Then a chapter, or a paragraph, or even a single word comes up that suddenly makes you realize the reason for the background information. It all crashes down on you and ties itself beautifully into the outward plot, making you go "Oooooooooooooooooooooooh! THAT'S why he murdered his idiot half-brother! Because of [all the background info that seemingly wasn't connected to anything but I've just realized that it was]!".

So to sum it up, I do like this piece, and your narrative voice has a spark of originality and fun to it. However, the hidden-depth concepts need some fleshing out - that they aren't immediately apparent doesn't mean they should always stay incomprehensible. If you tied the character backgrounds to the plot, this would easily be one of the best works on YWS.

Your ghostbuster,
cC
_



My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract