I'm saving my sister ..!

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A/n: This just happened. 'Forreal, forreal. Off to finish chapters and that collection present. Irony is.. it's for my sister.
Sort long, huh? Well, just a note, think of this as a nursery rhyme!


___________________________________________________

KABOOM,
KA POW !
I sprung from my seat, it's getting late!
I placed my toy
right on my seat
and ran right up to
retreat.

From seconds later,
I ran down again,
all changed and ready,
get a pen!

Write down a note,
and off on my way,
an umbrella for my head,
and a coat to sway,
another at my toy,
I shook my head,
and had to say;
Glance away,
Glance away,
save that for another play,
I'm going to save
my sister today,
for it's not the time
to say hooray,
I'm going..
to save
my sister today.


It drizzled, and bang,
it soon got harder,
and the bottom of me soon got wet.
But no worries,
no falling,
with my umbrella for my head,
and my coat to sway,
I keep on going with a say;
Glance away,
Glance away,
pay such no heed,
for today!
I'm going to save my sister, hooray!
From all the thunder,
the rain,
the men,
for I...
am going to save..
my sister today!


It got heavier and heavier,
got wetter, and wetter,
and soon two boys walked along my way.
With bright orange shirts
and a with a sprang,
I said to myself;
Glance away,
Glance away,
it's not the time for this, okay?
I've have to go and then to save,
from the men and the thunder,
and the rain today!
I'm off to go and then to save..
my sister today!


Perlious and dangerous,
and still as wet,
I saw my destination in set,
and on the way
I saw a lady,
all dressed in pink
and quite so merry!
But I said to myself and once again;
Glance away,
Glance away,
I'm going to save my sister today,
so off on my way,
once again!


I ran right up,
on those stone like steps,
and to no avail,
the button was broke and
couldn't be a bell,
so I turned right 'round and
and 'round once more,
to find no one
and ..
oh galore!

Puddles,
puddles,
they're everywhere,
and before I jumped,
I stopped myself,
and soon sang
it once more,
Glance away,
Glance away!
It's to you to save your sister
today!
Leave those puddles,
left alone,
for today's the day,
you save your sister!


I looked around,
and then gave up,
she wasn't there,
not one of her!
So I turned right around,
and said to myself,
"She isn't there!"
Can't glance away,
glance away,
she's not right there
how am I save her today?

Oh woe is me,
I wasted my time,
and turned right around,
all soaked,
and wet,
and soggy, because
for today..
wasn't the day,
that..!
I saved..
my sister. ):
___________________________________________________


A/n: After, I came home all wet, and the song that annoyingly keeps popping up was in my head the entire time. Why not post it? :I My sister still isn't home. She's apparently at her friend's. Sigh.

I know it's a bit awkward but I kept singing it as I wrote, so please don't mind me.
Review please! (: Thanks.

~It'sRainbowInked
I T S R A I N B O W I N K E D

Team Conjunction! :D




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Gender Female
Points 1813
Reviews 38
Hey! It'sRainbowInked,
I'm rooh and I'll be your reviewer today...
Your poem has a nice feeling to it, it's totally like nursery rhyme (like you said). I like the starting with the shout voices and all. How you've described the whole journey of 'saving your sister' and then coming back 'cause she is not there. It's all really great.
It'sRainbowInked wrote,
Write down a note,
and off on my way,
an umbrella for my head,
and a coat to sway,
another at my toy,
I shook my head,
and had to say;
Glance away,
Glance away,
save that for another play,
I'm going to save
my sister today,
for it's not the time
to say hooray,
I'm going..
to save
my sister today.

I love the rhyme scheme, especially in this stanza.

It'sRainbowInked wrote,
Glance away,
Glance away,
it's not the time for this, okay?
I've have to go and then to save,
from the men and the thunder,
and the rain today!
I'm off to go and then to save..
my sister today!



You don't need 'have' two times, I don't think it's necessary.

Hope this helps you....
Keep writing...:-)
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User avatar
Gender Male
Points 25520
Reviews 308
Wowee!

Kudos to you.

I'm very happy that someone made a poem that made me keep reading in a very fast pace. The first was Fairy Reel by Neil Gaiman. The measurement of the poem is almost the same as yours. It made me jiggiy in my seat as I hastily read every word. This is a rare critique from me so I ope you're proud!

Write more of this for me!

Al
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"Stories are like yarn; just hold on to the tip and let the ball roll away"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1711
Reviews 103
I think this has probably been my favourite work today. It's so bouncy and lyrical - honestly, it's fantastic. There are a few nitpicks, such as grammar, and a faltering rhyme scheme at time, but aside from little issues, it's really fantastic. There's a lot of sibling-bicker-love-sort-of-thing behind it, and I think it works really well. Good job, and keep writing.
Being children of a cruel reality, we fall prey to the greater powers.
To envy.
To madness.
Betrayal.
Love.
And yet without these things, we cannot remain human. Without these things, we are nothing.
But it is the greatest sacrifice. To envy. To be mad. To betray. To love.
To be human.



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind