Perfection

Perfection

I gazed at the sand beneath my feet. So ugly.
I looked at the clouds. So meaningless.
The sparse cacti surrounding me. Pointless.
I sat on the coarse sand. It was so warm. So warm in the sun. Sunburn.
Goddamn sunburn.
The raw, hot skin on my arm, my face was so painful. My throat felt like papyrus. My eyes hurt. Everything was so bright.
I closed my eyes and lay back, not caring about the heat burning my chest. I lay like that for hours, maybe more. I slept. When I woke up, it was night time. The stars twinkled like jewels on a black blanket. Perfection.
The moon looked like a wheel of cheese. So hungry. Haven’t eaten in days.
I stood painfully. A pool shimmered in front of me. Animals drinking from it.
Water. Food.
I stumbled towards it, but I got no closer. With every step I took, it moved away from me.
Why are you so cruel?
I stopped, and the oasis stopped. I moved, and it moved. All it did was remind me.
So thirsty.
I collapsed in the cold, crisp night air. The ground parted under me. I was falling.
I hit the sand. It was day again. Everything was the same as before I had slept.
I couldn’t get up. So tired.

The product of tremendous boredom, reading Touching the Void in English class, and finding a desert in Terraria. Possibly the wierdest thing I have ever written. Enjoy.

This was short, but sweet. I thought the train of thought was spot-on, very realistic. It really get across the tone I think you're trying to accomplish.
When some people write train of thought, they over analyze and write in complex sentences. That might work for them, but I just don't like it. That's not how we think. We think in these short little snippets.
Have you ever been stranded in the desert before? Because if I didn't know better, I would think you have been. Good job!

Heh, thanks. No, I haven't ever been stranded in a desert before. I've never even been in a desert before. xD

I'm actually very impressed with this. I had to get up and drink some lemonade because you made me so thirsty! This is so very realistic and it reminded me briefly of the movie Rango (good flick, Johnny Depp is amazing!). Your description of the desert and hallucinations are topnotch! Good job!

Veritas

I've seen Rango. It's such an awesome film. Come to think of it it was probably one of the things that popped into my head briefly while I was writing this...

This was probably the shortest piece I read that was actually satisfying.

To start off, I liked how you used the sentence structure "So [insert adjective]" because the repetition makes it effective. You really described well the feeling of one stranded in the desert. I appreciate how you let readers draw the conclusion instead of stating it right out. Also, the allusion to the oasis moving. Is this the narrator's perspective, like is he/she hallucinating? Just wondering if I'm thinking along the right lines.

On one note, I wonder if you couldn't improve this piece by maybe describing the narrator him/herself? Maybe with the apparel, his/her smell, parched lips? etc.

You've done a wonderful job with this. It's short, but straight to the point!

Yes, you were thinking along the right lines.
I didn't describe the character because I thought it would be best for the reader to imagine themselves in the situation the narrator is in. The faceless protagonist is one of my favourite devices because, for me, being able to draw myself into the story makes me care a lot more. I'll try adding in some indirect description though, and see how it looks. Thanks!

Woah, man, this was werid- and I like it!
Luckily I was eating a bowl of Weetabix and milk, otherwise I would have been parched, old bean! Your description of this horrible, dry desert was marvellous- I really got a feel for this tortured soul stuck in the middle of a roasting hot wasteland. And it was pretty much trolling him, to be honest- I hate the idea of an oasis in the desert, and you captured that perfectly.

The moon looked like a wheel of cheese.

I think this may be a little cliché, but I digress- you need something to remind him of food, right?
Overall this is really strange, but Touching the Void can do that do you. The piece I wrote on it in English was pretty messed up, and you've captured the loneliness and desperation really well.
Nice job!

I can see how this was inspired by Touching The Void, Terraria, and Rango.
I've never been stranded in such a location before, but the train of thought depicted here is very much what I imagine it to be like. I agree with BadlyDrawnLightning on the cheese/moon metaphor, and I'd just like to add that the transition from day to night doesn't really exist. It kind of goes straight from one to another. It may be part of the (clever) structure, and if so, please pardon my previous statement. A good piece of writing, methinks.

P.S. I don't understand why it is title perfection.
Just sayin'

Lol, I don't know why I chose that title either. It just seemed abstract and that. It also fitted with the previous structure of it where it was just about some guy who hated everything.

Heya, Sandvich!

This is only a short piece, so I'm not sure how helpful I'm going to be because I'm not very good at critiquing short things, especially flash fiction. I'll try my best though! If you have any questions or anything after this review, just let me know.

This is definitely a very interesting piece. I think your aim was to make us feel what the narrator was feeling. In general, I think you accomplished that. I think the way you included lots of short sentences was effective too because it created a sort of 'I've given up, and I'm so tired' kind of vibe, which I'm assuming was what you were going for. I like how unusual this is because it's not every day you read a story about some guy stuck in a dessert, after all.

I'll start off with a couple of nit-picks--nothing major. The first thing I want to mention is about your descriptions. In general, you didn't really have many descriptions anyway, but the ones you did have were a little cliché. For example, when your MC woke up in the night.

The stars twinkled like jewels on a black blanket.

The moon looked like a wheel of cheese.

Both of these descriptions are things that are often seen. You know, the stars looking like jewels and the moon looking like cheese. I think the way you had the moon looking like food when the MC was hungry was effective, but it still bothered me a little because it's something I see often. The obvious suggestion for this is to simply try and swap some of these descriptions with something more original, but in the end, it's up to you.

Oh, and the other thing I wanted to mention is more of a suggestion. You swap tenses now and then in this, but I think that's actually because the parts that are in present tense are supposed to be thoughts of the character. If that's so, I'd simply suggest italicising them or something, just so that it's more obvious to us readers.

So hungry. Haven’t eaten in days.

Why are you so cruel?

There are two examples of what I mean. If they are thoughts, italicising them will make it more obvious, plus it would look a little neater, methinks.

I only really have one critique for you, and that's about your descriptions. You mentioned how it feels like there's something that doesn't quite feel right in this, and I think the descriptions may be the issue. Basically, you don't have a great deal of them. For a story like this where your aim is to make your readers feel what the MC is feeling, descriptions are key. It's your descriptions that make your readers mouths water, that makes them feel like they're sweating themselves, that makes them want to stand in a freezer. The more vivid these descriptions are, the better.

What I'd suggest for you to do will probably mean you making this a bit longer, which you may or may not be comfortable with. If you are happy to lengthen this a little, then I think you should have more descriptions, and I think they should be vivid. Rather than just saying things like So thirsty, and So hungry, give us a unique description of how it feels like the sand of the dessert is scraping the MC's throat, making the dryness of it painful, and how it feels like the MC's stomach is closing in on itself, begging for something to fill it. You can probably come up with something better than those, but do you see what I mean?

Overall, I think you've done a good job here! With a bit of tweaking, I really think it could be great.

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins