Spotlight

I sped through the thick undergrowth, my thudding feet and rasping breath exaggerated by the stillness of the night. Twigs and branches whipped at my face and legs, etching angry red welts into my skin as easily as a knife slices through warm butter. I lengthened my strides, running blindly between the looming figures of endless trees. I glanced behind me for barely a second, but it was too late.

My foot connected with something hard jutting out of the ground, sending me sprawling to the dirt. I raised my eyes to peer at my attacker; a tree root, peering innocently at me in the weak moonlight. I got to my feet carefully, brushing loose fragments of earth from my knees and elbows.

For a moment, I simply stood there, listening to the deafening silence of the night. But the spell was broken by the pounding beat of my heart, reminding me to keep moving.

I walked carefully this time, doing my best to keep quiet. A sudden rustling noise from the bushes to my left startled me; I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it was merely a bird settling down to rest for the night. I wondered where the others had gone; crossing my fingers in the hope that they were still safe.

The not-quite-full moon rose gradually above the treetops, bathing the world in an eerie whitish light. I found a shrub that was still in shadow and crouched down behind it, hugging my grubby knees tightly to my chest.

For what seemed like hours I sat there, waiting – though I wasn’t sure what for. Just as I was about to give up and search for the others, a shrill scream pierced the deadly peacefulness of the night, sending fear rushing through my veins. I closed my eyes, telling myself that whoever it was had only stumbled like I had, or had been startled by a strange shadow. Whatever had happened, they were okay.

I hoped.

But when a second scream – more of a yell this time – penetrated the silence, I began to worry. With a stealth I never knew I possessed, I began to make my way toward the direction of the scream. I crouched low, taking light, long strides across the ground. I kept my eyes peeled for any sign of danger, completely unaware that my betrayer would be a simple, nonchalant twig lying innocently in the soil.

I froze as the sharp crack of the twig echoed deafeningly through the silent forest, seeming to bounce off every tree. Although I was expecting it, the radiant beam of light that flooded over me caught me off guard, causing me to cower away and squint against the brightness. The shrill, excited voice that protruded from the source of the light startled me even more as it rang out through the night.

“SPOTLIGHT!”

Did you really just end there? You are a cruel individual.
I loved your beginning! I was hooked from the start, and due to your superb writing I only became more and more entranced as I went along. I liked how you described the tree root and twig as her attackers, it raised the stakes of your story. Little bits and pieces like that certainly made your story more interesting.

I found one thing that was a little..strange

I glanced behind me for barely a second,[color=#FF0000] but it was too late.
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since your next sentence implies that she was talking about falling over something she didn't see, shouldn't the red part say something about her looking too long anyways? I don't know, I just found that part a bit confusing.
I have a new task, search to see if this piece has a connection to any other writing...
awesome job!

This was good!

I just didn't like how it ended. It was a bit pointless and didn't really mean anything.
A good peice of writing though, very detailed.

@Snake7 I see your point about the ending, I'm working on a better way to conclude the story, but the whole point is that spotlight is just a game, and the ending is when she gets caught, so the game is over.

Hey Jaymee!

I think this piece was good. Your descriptions were nice and they really helped to express to the reader how scared the MC was, even though it all turned out to be a game in the end. It was a surprise ending, finding out that it was only a game. The whole way through you had me believing that she was being chased by something evil. You had her running for her life. So good job on that

I did find it a bit odd, when she suddenly decided to stop running and wait in the undergrowth instead, but having read the ending now, it makes more sense. She wasn't really being chased - she was hiding instead.

I do have one nit-pik I'd like to point out -

I raised my eyes to peer at my attacker; a tree root, peering innocently at me in the weak moonlight.

The use of 'peer' twice in this sentence is a little repetitive. Maybe try something else, like replacing the first 'peer' with a simple 'look'

***

Overall I think the description was lovely and you did a good job in building the tension, more so at the start of the story, but then the tension descreased a little anyway when we found out it was a game.

This could have been a little unoriginal - having the MC running through a wood from an unknown attacker - but as I've said before, the ending helped to make the story your own

Thanks for the read!

xDudettex

Hey Jaymee,
Hope this helps...

jaymee wrote:I sped through the thick undergrowth, my thudding feet and rasping breath exaggerated by the stillness of the night. Twigs and branches whipped at my face and legs, etching angry red welts into my skin as easily as a knife slices through warm butter. I lengthened my strides, running blindly between the looming figures of endless trees. I glanced behind me back for barely a second, but it was too late.

This start is great. Fast paced and exciting. The parts I crossed out are a little distracting and bring the pace to a halt and contribute little. So I would advise taking these out to keep the intro sharp and concise.

My foot connected with something hard jutting out of the ground, sending me sprawling to the dirt. I raised my eyes to peer at my attacker; a tree root, peering innocently at me in the weak moonlight.

This falls a little awkwardly. For short stories you can't afford to waste words. That is to say you shouldn't put extraneous scene setting observations simply because they sound lovely and poetic- in longer fiction you can afford this. You could try something simple yet descriptive.

'My foot was violently hooked; An innocent tree root sent me sprawling to the hard earth."

I personally would scrap the root description and have the MC hurled over without knowing what it was.

I got to my feet carefully, brushing loose fragments of earth from my knees and elbows.

For a moment, I simply stood there, listening to the deafening silence (Cliche find something better) of the night. But the spell was broken by the pounding beat of my heart, reminding me to keep moving.

I walked carefully this time, doing my best to keep quiet. A sudden rustling noise from the bushes to my left startled me; I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it was merely a bird settling down to rest for the night. I wondered where the others had gone; crossing my fingers in the hope that they were still safe.

This is all great.

The not-quite-full moon rose (did it rise or was it already up there?) gradually above the treetops, bathing the world in an eerie whitish light. I found a shrub that was still in shadow and crouched down behind it, hugging my grubby knees tightly to my chest.

A while ago I wrote a story that began much the same as this, kid running through a forrest, terrified even the description bore parallels. Your take on this theme was funny and clever. I almost felt disappointed when it ended. It was such a great build up then the rug was swept out. I would sincerely advise you take this in another direction. I mean this is fantastic writing and I realise its just a little fun but you can take this to the next level if you tweak it a little.

As for your description you focus too much on showing. I mean this is great especially when writing lengthy fiction but for short or flash fiction you need it to be air tight. You need to entwine the story with a little literary gloss, not the other way round. You need to keep it relevant and every word needs to contribute to the denouement. Every clause needs to be scrutinized, whittle it down to the bare bones on a side note and rebuild it. Figure exactly what needs to be said. Another good writing drill is to get the story down to as few words as possible, this will give you an idea as to what really needs to be included.
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I only stress this point because its a fantastic story and you're a great writer but it fell a little short in this aspect. I felt distracted at times.

Keep up the good writing and PM if you have any queries or disagree.

Best,
JP