Clique Breaker

I didn't sleep the entire trip. I was going to spend my sophomore year with my mother in the small town of Charon and the idea of spending my years in high school with a woman I never met, made my heart teem with dread. I spent my entire life with my dad so far and I did not want to go. My mother left with no explanation months after I was born, so I guess she finally decided that it was time to reenter my life. The last few months were full of constant negotiations from from her which fueled the fire for yet another fight between my parents of where I was going to spend the rest of my high school years. My dad finally gave in to my mom's vicious demands, giving her much satisfaction. She seemed used to always getting her way but that was meant to change this year. I could not wait to get this over with.

The wait was finally over as the train stopped in Boston. The doors opened and a man holding a sign with my name on it welcomed me as I stepped out of the train.

"Hello," he said with this elfin smile. "My name is Maxwell and I am your escort for the day."

He grabbed my bags and we walked out of the train station. The ride to the small town surprisingly wasn't a long one, yet out of my own curiosity, I asked to be given a small tour of the town. The store managers of the small clothing stores, hair salons, restaurants, business companies, and small markets obviously worked up to their potential to keep their buildings looking up to point. I watched as people walked in and out of stores and to the park or the movies. They all looked happy but for some it was a snobby happy. It was obvious they knew they lived in such a beautiful environment but their pride for it was a bit much. That, I knew I had to keep in my mind while I lived here for whatever amount of months or years. It looked like I had to watch what I said to these people.

"Would you like a tour of your school, Ms.Matthews, or would you rather be surprised?" Maxwell asked me

"I want to see it. " I replied.

Funny...one day here and they're already asking me to go to school, I thought to myself.

Prescott Academy looked very clean cut. It looked so amazing that it didn't look like it was meant to be touched. The grass was unnaturally green, there were flowers that spelled out 'welcome back class of 2012'. We went inside the school and my fascination grew. The administration office was hidden underneath stairs that almost overlapped but were connected by a floor that made the roof of the office. The auditorium resembled theaters where operas were held. We looked in some classes , the cafeteria, and the gymnasium. Overall ,the school was amazing. I felt like I might love it here.

I popped my headphones in my ears when Maxwell turned around to get on the road to bring me home.It was already getting late. I took another look at the town as it passed by and then something caught my eye in a dark alley. I squinted my eyes and all I could make out were possibly three guys and a girl. I thought of ignoring it but my impulses got the best of me.

"Stop the car!!!" I screamed.

"What is wrong Ms.Matthews?" he asked.

"Just stop the car!"I exclaimed. " Stop the car now!"

He made his way towards the sidewalk to park but I had no patience. They had their hands on this girl and she was getting put through a nightmare that she wasn't meant to experience. I had unbuckled my seat belt and ran out of the car while it was still mobile. I ran in the middle of the road towards them.

"Hey punks! Leave her alone!" I shouted, while I ran to the guys.

They didn't seem threatened by this girl who was practically half their size but the girl managed to escape. After realizing this, they then looked at me like animals and I just stole their food. One of them made their way towards me but the other two held him back.

"Not today man" one of them told him.

He gave me one last menacing glare and they all walked out of the alley. His glare sent cold chills down my spine but I tried not to let it bother me. Who was he to treat a girl like that? I obviously could not do anything about it. I was done playing heroine. I walked out of the alley to where Maxwell parked the car. He was waiting anxiously for me.

"Ms.Matthews, you cannot just walk out of the car like that!" he said trying to make his tone sound more worried than angry.

"I'm sorry Maxwell, " I said casually, getting back into the car. " I won't do it again. "

When we got to my mom's neighborhood I was everything but surprised. All the houses were identical. This angered me.I did not want to live in a house that was an exact replica of the one near it and the one at the end of the street.

Maxwell carried my bags as we walked to the door. He unlocked the door and let me go in first. I would've been blown away by the house if I didn't guess that's how the inside of every house in this neighborhood looked like also.

"Please dispose of your shoes. " Maxwell ordered.

I took off my shoes and put them in a nearby closet. I could see his point in ordering me to do this. This house was spotless and I could bet that if I rubbed my finger on anything in this house it would give me that squeaky clean squeak.
This was an angel's humble abode.

I heard heels rapidly clicking on the stairs. She came up to me with excitement in her eyes and gave me a tight hug, nearly knocking me unconscious. My mom had light caramel skin and her dark hair flowed beautifully on her shoulders. She was gorgeous and I could see the resemblance between me and her. I took in her scent and a pain grew in my throat with tears ready to fall but I could not let them...not yet.

"It's so good to see you." she said.

I tried not to meet eyes with her for the fear of me crying in front of her. If I did cry. it would show I'm vulnerable to her and that would show that I immediately trust her. I did not trust her at all.

"It's good to finally meet you," I said.

She gave me another hug which increased the pain in my throat.

"I'm tired. "I lied. It was only seven but I needed some alone time.

"Let me show you to your room." She murmured as she released me.

When she opened the door to my room my heart tightened. I was filled with homesickness because it was almost an exact replica of my room back home with my dad. She left me alone and then I finally let it all out. The tears came out but I allowed no sound. I didn't want to but I decided to finally accept the fact that I was truly home.
________________________________________________________________________________
The next day I woke up to solitude. I wasn't ready to start a new life at a new school. After what I saw yesterday, options of meeting new people was slim to none.

I finally threw on an outfit fit for the fall and looked out the window for any kids going to school. There were no signs of any students so I finally got out of the house and into the car. I was contemplating whether or not I was having a panic attack but I kept insisting that today was going to be like any ordinary day. I have experienced high school before.There was nothing to worry about, right?

We finally made it to the school and I looked out the window to see the great number of students socializing. As the car parked near the sidewalk, everyone seemed to stop their conversations. I told Maxwell not to open the door for me for fear of these kids considering me spoiled. Yet the parking lot was full of expensive looking cars. What made this one so special? When I got out I could feel their eyes boring into my head. I could see some of the girls making conversations about me.

What are they talking about? Is it what I'm wearing. What did I do?

The bell finally rang but I knew I wasn't going to be ignored.

I will be brief because this needs a lot of work and I've never been one for nit picking. I will focus on the opening - this is my forte (for reviewing, not necessarily writing.)

AngelKnight900 wrote:Boredom accompanied me on the way to our neighboring state; Massachusetts.

This is your story, all your planning and plotting in vain because you couldn't do enough to keep the reader beyond the opening sentence.

I couldn't sleep multiple times while on the train the entire trip. I was going to spend my sophomore year with my mother in this the small townby the nameof Charon and the thought of spending possibly my wholeentire school year with this woman that I never metin my lifebrought bought fear inside my heart made my heart teem with dread. I never met my mother and I wasn't too excited to see her either.We know that you don't need to say it twiceI lived with my father my whole life so farand I did not want to let go easily leave. My mother did not leave us for any good reasons but for her own personal desires and it takes her fourteen years to realize that she had done something wrong My mother left without explanation, I guess finally after all these years she was ready to re enter my life. For me to come live with her was done through an ultimatum. I either came here for my years in high school or my parents were going to fight in court.
This ultimatum showed that my mother meant business. I could predict that she was a woman that was not meant to go against to. Maybe I could be her next challenger for the next possibly four years. It had taken months of torturous negotiations and the occasional fight for my parents to decide where I would spend the remainder of my high school years. More than once my mother bore her teeth, and her dogged effort to have me, to have her way was perplexing. She was used to getting what she wanted and having her way, we had four years for that all to change

See what I have done? two things.

1) Made it flow, gave it a little readability. When you proofread if something falls awkwardly or is tough to read change it. The best way to get used to this is to have some literature you admire at hand when you write. Every five minutes or so find a page/paragraph at random and read through it. Remind yourself what it is that makes the literature so good, so easy to read.

2) I have adapted your work to add caricaturization. I have done my best to make a little step towards better writing. That is to say I tried to rewrite it in your words but adding little words and putting things in such a way that your characters transcend the literature itself and become friends/enemies/accomplices with the reader. By adding feeling and perspective to the piece you provide the reader with insight into who the characters are and make them relatable.
Not only that, it makes the reader care. Right now I don't care what happens to these characters. It's harsh but true.

The best advice I can give you to get this piece up on its feet is to show the reader why the should care. Is to lace your every sentence with a hint of character. the difference is:

Little Mary sue was mad with her teacher for giving her a bad grade in the test.

Mary Sue balled her fists; enraged at the red F crudely stamped over the paper she had slaved over, now how would she get into college.

These are polar opposites. Which one evokes more of a scene?

Like I said the best you can do is read. Read everything and make sure when you start writing the reading doesn't stop.

You may have an amazing story and you clearly have worked hard but you need to give this piece more depth.

Good look!

wow thanks. You made this more interesting. Thanks for the help

I'm going to make a few corrections.
When talking to someone, you must must MUST put a comma before their name. The "Let's eat Grandpa!" and "Let's eat, Grandpa!" example is a good one. COMMAS. SAVE. LIVES.
In this quote... (I chose it because I could kill two birds with one stone.)

"It's good to finally meet you " I said

She gave me another hug which increased the pain in my throat.

"I'm tired "I lied. It was only seven but I needed some alone time.

"Let me show you to your room"

Instead, this should be....
"It's good to finally meet you," I said.
She gave me another hug, which increased the pain in my throat.
"I'm tired," I lied. It was only seven, but I needed some alone time.
"Let me show you to your room," she murmured as she released me.

You need to put punctuation inside of quotation marks, even if it's just a comma. Also, you must put a comma in-between the two independent clauses, especially when they're separated by a coordinating conjunction. I noticed that you've done that several times. I thought the last add-in made it flow better and add more detail.

Another part:

He finally showed me the school that I was attending tomorrow.

This makes NO SENSE. You cannot have a past tense verb and a future tense noun. Instead, you should put "He finally showed me the school that I was attending." That looks better and doesn't sound stupid.

I think that's all I have. I covered everything I could. If you need any help feel free to ask.

That's all for today.
*CMA

Well I think it's obvious that you've definitely know your character's personality! Although there are some grammatical errors. (but I won't list them since the others already did). Also, if you described everything more in-depth then it would more interesting to read since ultimately, it would create a better picture for the audience. I've also noticed the bountiful amount of similes! Make sure you use all types of figurative language to give your piece more variety. Otherwise, I think you've got your story here! Good Luck!!

I think my favorite line in the story was this one:

Prescott Academy looked very clean cut. It looked so amazing that it didn't look like it was meant to be touched.

That's great writing there, it really draws the reader to that school. And then how you describe the flowers and grass...perfect!
You need to balance your writing though, and this is from experience (since I tend to write really boring beginnings), you can't summarize her situation between her parents and how she comes to live with her mom. Instead, draw the readers into the story, let them make their own conclusions.
For instance, you can show this girl who moves to this new, posh place and everything's uncomfortable for her etc. And then maybe when she meets her "mother" at home, you can pinpoint the awkwardness between them and hint that it's been a long time. Further on in the story, we would realize that her mother walked out on her a long time ago.

Other than that, good start, and I'll read some more later.