Outfoxed ch. 1

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“Please, sir…” Bax looked at the trooper’s helmeted face and swallowed his words. Like a death warrant, the stolen sword hung limply in his paw. Four months' rations surely weren't worth his life...

Why’d he have to do it?

“He’s just a kit, Staj. Can’t we let him go, this once?” The other guard was bare-headed—a young vixen who stood with eyes downcast.

“Huh. You’re too soft on ‘em- just let the word spread and we’re in for it. I’m sorry, Golda.”

Golda fidgeted, eying them both. Then she shrugged and Bax saw the brief glint of a knife.

“Wait”- he clamped his jaw shut. They took him in tow after first relieving him of the sword. His spirits rose when Staj veered towards the pub, then sank again. His captor was merely greeting a friend.

There were few otters about. Bax appealed silently to them- no luck.

“Why did you do it?”

“As if you really cared, fox.” He glared at Golda, hoping to discourage her.

“You idiot! This has nothing to do with our species,” she hissed.

Staj glared at them, gesturing to his cohort. The fellow was thin even for a fox, and his eyes darted every which way.

"Hey, Ven- didn't expect you to be licking this coward's feet."

"'Scuse me, but do you kn-" The pommel of Staj's sword rammed into Bax's gut.

"That was uncalled for!" She produced the knife, waving it under their noses. To Bax's astonishment, they froze. "Listen to me, you spineless lackeys. I'm taking charge of this operation- got it?"

The two dogfoxes nodded. She took their weapons, issuing Bax with the recaptured short sword. "Hope you know how to use that."

So do I- and what is she thinking?
Last edited by Stori on Sun Jul 17, 2011 6:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Seems interesting so far...
And for nitpicking:
Bax looked into the trooper’s helmeted face
Looking into a face? I might be wrong here, but it seems like a strange choice of words.
bare-headed—a young vixen who stood with eyes downcast.
So I know that vixen means 'female fox', thanks to google, but I don't understand the bare-headed part. I start thinking of a bald, female fox, and that seems off.
“Wait”- he clamped his jaw shut
Typo, i'm going to guess. "Wait-"
There were few otters about. Bax appealed silently to them- no luck.
There's nothing actually wrong with this, I just think you could add more description.

A general word of advice: Add more description. For example, I didn't really understand where they were.
Keep writing! I'm looking forward to seeing more of this.
Last edited by velar on Fri Jul 08, 2011 8:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Hey Stori!

I'm a big fan of Anthropomorphic fiction, so I'm excited to see where this goes. If this is chapter one Then you're off to a good start, getting right into the action. I would however like to know what Bax is. It was mentioned that he was a" Kit" but there are a few animals that call their young that. It would help clarify things, since we know that Slaj and Golda are foxes and there were otters mentioned. The first hint that we get that Bax isn't a fox is that the end, when he uses the word almost like an insult.

A Little more setting would be helpful too. We know Bax has stolen a sword and there are rations involved which make me think he was in a prison, but then the one fox calls out to someone coming out of a bar, so it's hard to tell where he is. Are the fox guards of some sort? or does everyone walk around in armour?
There is just a few details that would make the narrative a little more smooth, so that the reader doesn't have to stop and think about what they just read. does that make sense?

Anyway I'm interested. Definatly let me know when the next part is up, yeah?
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Okay, I read the second chapter first and then this one, and I'm still confused. You're throwing way too many names and breeds at us. I have no idea who's who. Maybe add a bit more detail about them, or tell a little bit more about what's going on. Even though I'm completely confused, I like it. It's hooked me. PM me if you edit it dramatically or write another chapter.
-tgirly
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel



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