Mirror, Mirror, Off the Wall (Edited)

Spoiler

This is the original version.

She told me how many bristles
and how many brushes it takes until she can
work her hair into something "presentable".

And I wonder how something able enough to be present
can be so passable.

Because she told me she stands there
6360 seconds, more than that at times,
and watches herself in the mirror,
and models herself in the mirror,
and tells me she hates how she looks.

And I wonder how still she stood when
she glared into the mirror.

Because when I am with her
she is always moving, and every 6360 seconds
she's changed 6360 times. With one movement
she is a mixture of her own skin and breaths,
and the next I am distracted by
the flap of a folder on a desk.

And I wonder if she's ever going to stop staring at me
like she looks into a mirror.

Because during the day
her perspectives and the angles that others
watch her with are not hung up on a bathroom wall,
they are like amateur cameras,
minus the special effects. Some slightly out of focus
and others too far away.

And I wonder if she knows
that I'm not judging her all the time.

Because she's almost always moving too much,
and shifting too much for me to remember
what I saw three seconds ago
that is now being replaced with
what I saw one second ago.
And I can't remember all those seconds.

And I wonder why she makes us all out to be mirrors
and not windows.

Because if she noticed me, instead of herself,
and then noticed that I have moved on,
she'd begin to understand that
her actions sometimes mimic me,
or sometimes lead my way
and that we work together.

And I wonder why she doesn't know that
she is not ugly.

Because I know that I'm more alive
than a smoothed and glossy picture
bound into this year's magazine.
And that I can think and change
faster than the flip of every page
and every blow to her self-esteem.

And I wonder, if I'm her mirror,
why doesn't she see what I see?

I got a few comments that the flow needed fixing so I'm here to fix it, hehe. Hopefully this works out better, or makes it easier to read. : )

Edited Version:

She told me how many bristles
and how many brushes it takes
until she can work her hair into something "presentable".

And I wonder how something able enough to be present
can be so passable.

Because she told me she stands there 6360 seconds,
more than that at times,
and watches herself in the mirror,
and models herself in the mirror,
and tells me she hates how she looks.

And I wonder how still she stood
when she glared into the mirror.

Because when I am with her she is always moving.
Every 6360 seconds she's changed 6360 times.
With one movement
she is a mixture of her own skin and breaths,
and the next I am distracted
by the flap of a folder on a desk.

And I wonder if she's ever going to stop staring at me
like she looks into a mirror.

Because during the day her perspectives
and the angles that others watch her with
are not hung up on a bathroom wall.
They are like amateur cameras, minus the special effects.
Some slightly out of focus
and others too far away.

And I wonder if she knows
that I'm not judging her all the time.

Because she's almost always moving too much,
and shifting too much for me to remember
what I saw three seconds ago
that is now being replaced with
what I saw one second ago.
And I can't remember all those seconds.

And I wonder why she makes us all out to be mirrors
and not windows.

Because if she noticed me,
instead of herself,
and then noticed that I have moved on,
she'd begin to understand that her actions sometimes mimic me,
or sometimes lead my way
and that we work together.

And I wonder why she doesn't know
that she is not ugly.

Because I know that I'm more alive
than a smoothed and glossy picture
bound into this year's magazine.
And that I can think and change faster
than the flip of every page
and every blow to her self-esteem.

And I wonder, if I'm her mirror,
why doesn't she see what I see?

Love it. Very meaningful, with good moral values.

I liked how you used the metaphor of people being mirrors. That was a very creative notion. I don't really have any critique...sorry! I just couldn't find much wrong with it. Proper grammar and proper spelling.

This... this is just amazing! I am completely and utterly blown away! First of all, the title was perfect to catch ANYONE'S attention! The whole story of the poem (I guess you could call it a story) was just beautiful and it had a great ending! There is absolutely nothing I have to say on editing it, but a little bit of work on the rythm and flow wouldn't hurt. Overall, I give you twelve out of ten stars! BRAVO!

This is beyond beautiful, Hibiscus. Beyond beautiful.

Normally, if I like a poem on here a lot, I won't review it because its really hard to sit and compliment someone. Seeing flaws in others is always quite a bit easier than stating what I enjoyed, at least in my case. But, due to the nature of this poem, and the almost blatant way of which you put it forward, I would like to congratulate.

First off, let me just say that I deeply enjoyed how the poem, in its entirety, kept to the same point. Worked up right till the end as if every word was meant to shape around that last thought. I find that quite beautiful. Generally speaking, the blatant can be a double-edged sword. You don't want to be blatant or the poem would serve a better purpose as a short story than actual poetry, you know what I mean? So often enough, I have a hard time really enjoying a poem that is blunt.

But there are some beautiful ideals in this. And the way that the meaning slowly reveals itself is poetry, in my eyes. You give a very interesting, very fluid narration of which anyone, whether male or female, could connect with. For that, I do think the bluntness was a good, almost necessary quality to this poem.

There is only one thing I would like to note upon, though, about this poem, and that would be the way in which your stanza's lay out. I do like the idea of every other stanza being two lines, but when you look at the poem, there are areas which have long, almost sentence-like things then you follow up with fragmented, jagged ones of which cut down any chance of fluidity. What I want you to do is go back, take a look at the flow or rhythm you wanted to create, then create it.

Other than that, the idea was beautiful and the last two lines were really hard not to think on. An interesting, far from subtle piece that I enjoyed immensely, so props to you on that!

~Walker