Adolescent Immortals

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Dang it! I thought, profanities running through my head to quickly for me to make sense of them. Why does this always happen to me!? I opened the front door to the pale yellow house, I flew down the steps taking them as one. I didn’t have the keys to the car, nor was I at a legal age to drive one. Joy. More profanities.

My eyes flew to my run down bike. It would have to do. I pulled it up from it horizontal position. The red paint was worn and dust covered and the wicker basket on the front had holes in it. I jumped on and sped up the gravel drive way as fast as my legs would go. I pulled on to the rural road.

What the heck was I supposed to do when I had them on my tail? Either side of the road. It twisted and turned every couple of seconds. It’s blind corners have killed many a driver. I considered ditching the bike when I nearly got pulverized by a log truck turning a blind corner. Naw, I’ll have to save running till later. I glanced over my shoulder, I would have thought that they would have caught up to me by now, they weren’t slow, quite the opposite, they were trained to kill.

My kind and their kind had been at war for ages. Pretty much since the first of each of our kinds were created. Both wanted the territory, the prey. I guess none of this really makes sense. Well, they are…..vampires. I’m a werewolf.

Why they were after me….well it’s a long story. My parents, well, none of us were born this way, but most of us lived in packs or covens if you were on of them. There was me, my two ‘brothers’ and three ‘sisters’ The leaders of our pack, we called them our parents because they were the only legal adults in the pack and we treated each other as family, the died in battle. But not before they managed to get some critical information and kill one of the vampire leaders. So now, The dumb-bats were after the remainder of my family. We had foolishly split up.

My eyes watered at the thought of my family. Were they after them to? The Vamps were in control, they were winning the war at the moment, there were so much more of them! They made more of them constantly. They were multiplying like rabbits! What right did they have to walk around and bite innocent humans? Not only that but they risked exposure! A small growl worked it’s way up my throat as I thought about how damn immoral they were. I dodged my second log truck. I’m running I’m going to get squished before the vampires catch up if I don’t. Even on two legs we can run a whole heck of a lot faster than humans. I’d guess about 70-80 miles an hour.

I threw my bike into the under growth surrounding the road and tore off. The trees and ferns rushed by me. And sometime around them I realized I didn’t have a solid destination. I stopped suddenly. I knew I had left a scent trail and it would be too easy for them to find me here if I didn’t start running again, but run where?

I thought of what Brianna had said. ‘If we split up they won’t be able to find all of us, and if they find one of us, we can get help.’ I snorted. Yeah, that worked out well, Brianna was in New York city, how in god’s good earth was I supposed to find her in New York freakin’ city!? Carson was somewhere in Chicago. Why did everyone have to choose big cities? I would never be able to find them. But then I suppose that was the point, not being able to be found…. Still it’s super irritating.

That’s when I heard a car back on the road, for a human it would have been out of hearing range, but I wasn’t human, now was I? I needed to run, run now. My joints locked with stress and fear but I forced them to move, I should be able to multi-task, thinking and running at the same time isn’t that hard is it? How would I possibly be able to get away from the stupid vamps before they caught up, they could run just as fast as I could if not faster.

I pushed my legs to run faster and my lungs to suck up more air, air, something the slugs behind me didn’t need. I could just hear their near silent foot steps behind me, I shuddered. I didn’t want to lead the vamps to my family but where the heck else was I supposed to go, what could I do to slow them down……slow… I had an epiphany.

The vampires didn’t want to risk exposure, despite their actions If I could get to a town or city large enough, with witnesses, they would be forced to a walk. Of course I would be too but I had a head start. I pushed my legs harder against the ground, my heart thumping audibly, I wouldn’t be able to phase in public though. That thought made me very uncomfortable.

Maybe I was paranoid but I was pretty sure that the Bat-brains were closer behind me. I forced myself to look over my shoulder, There was a male and a female. The male was big burly with dark hair and was obviously pale and technically attractive, The female was tall and thin but still muscular, with long blond hair and was characteristically pale and pretty. I snarled at them and ran faster, though it had seemed impossible a moment before.

I could hear cars on the road, I was almost there, but they were gaining on me, more profanities as I realized that the chances of me getting out of this were slim to none. I could hear there agitated snarls as they realized where I was going, they sped up in an attempt to catch me before I could make it there.

I could see the road in the distance, a gas station and a boutique, and numerous restaurants. Just a little farther. I burst out on to the sidewalk I slowed to a fast walk. Oh please let this work! I prayed.

I slipped between a small group of people on the sidewalk near the gas station. I threw a glance behind me, afraid of what I might find. They had slowed but not by much, I sped into a human paced jog. There was a restaurant on my right. Maybe they would have some garlic. I snickered, despite the situation.

Not that the myth was true. Most of the myths weren’t true. I turned into the restraint. It was dark, the smell of food saturated the air. I glanced back, they were hesitating outside the door. I rushed up to the counter. “Can I use your phone?” I asked, I tried to look innocent and not at all feral and were-wolfish. “Um…. I don’t know kid, It’s against policy.” I let the desperation creep into my eyes. Unlike most folk-lore who describe us as mostly unattractive, we really weren’t, the opposite really. Ugliness would scare away prey, and possibly expose us. But we were designed for the hunt.

You may be able to tell the super-natural if you really knew what you were looking for but it would be easier with a heightened sense of smell. Our facial features were definitely attractive, vampires were pale, but werewolves maintained the same skin pigmentation as before. Neither will ever age after transformation. For vampires it was extremely painful for werewolves, well the victim would usually fall unconscious and a slightly dulling morphine like substance would spread.

“I really need a phone it’s an emergency.” I pleaded. The man shook his head as if to clear it and handed me the phone. “Thanks” I dialed the phone number that Brianna had given me. It ringed once, twice, three, four times. And I chewed on my fingernails.

“Hello?” Brianna’s voice. I sighed in relief. And than major agitation washed threw me. “Do you have any idea how close I was to being caught?” I hissed. “This was a really bad Idea Bri. I can’t believe I let you talk me in to this!” I nearly growled into the receiver. “Jaden calm down, your okay now aren’t you?” She asked, irritatingly calm.

“Yes now I’m okay. But I would have felt a whole heck of a lot better not being alone. Bri, what if this would have happened to Ava?” I could almost hear her wince when I mentioned the youngest member of our pack. She was only nine. Life had been so unfair to her. She had been attacked at a very young age, and had no idea what had happened when she woke up from transformation. She had been terrified, and fairly dangerous the first couple of days, but our ‘parents’ found her, just like they found the rest of us, open minded, and warm hearted.

There was silence. “Well?” I prompted, I knew she would have totally freaked and tried to kill the vamps, but I felt the need to make her admit how vulnerable we were. “That wouldn’t have happened.” She replied stiffly. It sounded as if she was speaking through clenched teeth. “Yeah, sure, anyway my point is that we shouldn’t be apart, we need to meet somewhere before one of us gets hurt.” I heard her sigh. “Fine, this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever, was it.” I snorted. “Not quite.” It was silent for a heartbeat. “I’ll call Carson.”
Last edited by werewolfgirl on Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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I really enjoyed this! I want to know what else is going to happen in the story, and its pulling me in, unlike most stories. So far the plot line is epic so that will leave a lot of room to write. I really want to read more :D keep writing!
Like a dragon, I'll spread my wings and fly. Fly far away from this hatred planet and fly somewhere deep, where I shall be alone. My imagination is paradise.




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This was quite good.

The first thing I thought when I saw this was the lack of PARAGRAPHS! It was just a wall of writing. I don't know if you did this to keep the pace of your story but not including paragraphs sometimes makes it extremely difficult to read.
I'm not really into the whole vampire and werewolf concept, but this was OK. There were quite a few grammar mistakes in there, make sure to review what you've done.
I like how you used a lot of repetitive questions, just don't over do it. ;)
"You overreach yourselves." Orphan

"No, we overreach you." Lightning, Final Fantasy XIII




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Wow, that's kinda kiling my eyes to read because of the lack of paragraphs. But, I've read it and so I'll sat that it REALLY needs it. If you don't know where to space it, PM me and I'll go over where to do that.

There were a couple mistakes peppered in here and there, so if you also want me to correct that feel free to PM me and I'll go through the entire thing again.

I like the concept of it, but something like this does tend to be overdone. You'll need to work to make it something interesting, something unique. Have you gotten the whole thing done? [/since it's in the novel area] I had honestly wondered why she wasn't running in the beginning, if she's a werewolf. And why did she have to go to her/a house first, if she's so preoccupied with running from them? You maybe want to rework those scenes a bit so that it makes sense and flows better.

As I said, if you want a more in depth review, PM me if you want it.
"'Death happens,' as we like to say. 'And when I get paid for it, death happens more often.'"

"La shai'a waqi'on motlaq bal kollon momken."

"We are all books containing thousands of pages and within each of them lies an irreparable truth."

Rest in peace, Harry. <3




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thank you all, I did re-edit it And so I will replace it with that and It has paragraphs!! yay!!




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I'm at least glad that you did put in th paragraphs, but I don't see much other editing other than that. My offer's still up if you want it.
"'Death happens,' as we like to say. 'And when I get paid for it, death happens more often.'"

"La shai'a waqi'on motlaq bal kollon momken."

"We are all books containing thousands of pages and within each of them lies an irreparable truth."

Rest in peace, Harry. <3




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okay, the edits were minimal and just basic grammar and flow mistakes.




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Hello! I'm here to review as you requested (sorry it took so long!). This was a great beginning. And I think that if you ever finish this you should try to publish it. I would totally buy it if you did.

I love the concept of this story. I'm really into reading werewolf stories, so obviously I'm already taken with this story. I like your writing, it works well for the main character. Is Jaden a girl? While reading this I thought she was, but Jaden is both a boy/girl name. Just wondering.

When she was running away from the vampires, why didn't she turn into a wolf? Is it just 'once a month' kind of thing like the myths? Or can she just change at will, but chose not to? Overall, this is a really interesting book and it can go multiple ways. I hope you continue this story. :)

And, sorry again for reviewing this so late!

Keep Writing!
~JustMe
I don't obsess.

I think.

Intensely.

-----

Excuse me, I have work to do. Evil plots don't make themselves.




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So I was reading midnight sun on onread.com and now im reading this , apparently the world is very much into vampires, w2erewolves and these fantasy creatures. The writing style was good, you know how to drag your reader's attention in and keep it. That is certainly very impressive. Good plot, simple and understandable writing, Kid u got a future for this. Good Luck.



Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
— Lyndon B. Johnson