Night of Perfection

Tonight, I danced among the stars,
Floated freely among their twinkling insecurities.
From them emanated happiness,
The kind of elation which wholly saturates existence.
Enclosed in the spiral arms of a galaxy's acceptance,
My being accumulates mass from the infinitely large,
But undeniably tiny subatomic particles of innate understanding.
Extracted from me, memories flew by as contrails
Of the comets of which I was now independent:
An objective view of subjective entities.
The illusion of distance shattered by the words of liberation,
By the kiss of light which eclipsed
The weight of the world.
The birth of a star,
An addition to the progressive nature of convalescence.
The evanescence of time,
An increment of consolation.
An elusion of the inescapable,
The emission of happiness from the prison of a singularity,
Of the black hole which devours everything.

Tonight I witnessed the impossible:
The melding of one star into another,
The creation of a virtuously beautiful system of unfathomable power.
Space warped around itself,
Distorting the existence of ever- present dimensions,
Creating one of absolution,
Of remission in the cancerous tumor of existence,
Of irremediable reality.
Life and death combined into one,
Cancelling out individual constituents,
Paving the way for absolute being,
Paving the way for you and me.
Time screamed to be saved as it languished into the profundity of thought,
Devoured by the jaws of reason:
The effect of not learning to let go.
It is the fate that awaits us all.
Cosmic wind rustled the fabric of space,
Awakening the violence of history throughout the cosmos.
Stars exploded, galaxies flared, planets disintegrated,
And I was only able to dangle there on the edge of sanity,
Marveling at the specatacle before me.

Tonight, I fell through the fissures of faith as everything I once held true fell apart,
Disintegrated into the contingents of hereafter;
Perception elongated in the face of potential,
Adulterated by possibility.

Tonight, my heart shattered as the love which had been imparted upon me,
The verity which had bequeathed my happiness withered like flowers during winter.
Sanity fell from the trees of humanity,
Coating the ground with remnants of broken dreams.
The cool, winter air scattered the dwindling corpses throughout the now- violent universe,
And I lay there, beholding the destruction of all that I had ever known.

Tonight, a disclosure of gratuitous, newfangled merriment enclosed my mind,
Divulging things never before seen.
Altered perception,
Modified emotion,
Foreign altogether.
The only solution: to embrace.
Efflorescence of sanity, blossoming of belonging,
Complementing the peacefully overwhelming windlessness
Of a night everlasting.
An upturned smile,
The vitality in a touch,
The solace in a voice of unremitting beauty elicited a state of inexplicable ubiquity,
An omnipresence of reassurance in this unforgiving encasement.

Tonight, I met you.
Yes, tonight, I held you.
And that was all that was necessary to thaw the iceberg of an entity
That I had become.

*stares*
I'm trying to come up with things to say. Wow. I love this. It's beyond beautiful. Really.
The imagery is lovely, vocabulary is fantastic, semantics are perfect as far as I can tell.
But wow. Wow. I could quote my favorite part, but I'm not sure how you'd like your whole poem quoted back at you. xD Thank you for writing and sharing.

You submitted this to my contest. All the other poems have been given a full review, with me quoting the poem and giving thoughts by stanza, but this poem doesn't really allow for that kind of review. I apologize for that. But be proud, because this was beautiful! No, more than beautiful... thought provoking, with lovely imagery and metaphors,... I could go on for a while. I found no big typos or anything... Wow, I'm being real helpful here, aren't I? But I can't critique such uniqueness! I would never think to write something like this, and even if I did think of it, I couldn't. Never stop writing!

Wow. I'm just happy I'm reviewing this in the middle of the day. If I had read this poem during the night, I would have tears pouring down my face right now. This is so beautiful. I love everything about it. The word choice, the amazing imagery! I did not spot any grammar errors or iffy poem structure. Overall, great job on this and please keep writing.

This is amazing, I have tears in my eyes haha. After I finished I spent about five minutes just staring at the screen in awe. You used beautful imagry and the whole this is just...magnificent! Beaufiful work, great job. Keep writing!

Well, you know, it was amazing.
Like I said before, I really like the depth of the poetry without it being overwrought. Its simple, yet the language you use to describe everything is very intricate. It's a nice contrast, because it makes it seem like that's actually how you're seeing things, instead of just trying to add lots of dense language.
My only problem is that we can't see each other ever. Haha.

I know! You just need to move to Texas already!

Oh, Wow. I'm battling to find the words to describe my thoughts on this one - it is positively awe-inspiring, absolutely beautiful. Your vocabulary is nothing short of magnificent and the flow is lovely. Deep, though-provoking, intricately-worded, well-structured... a masterpiece. The ending is especially lovely. You have an amazing talent.
Promise me something? Never, ever stop writing.
Congratulations on a wonderful, beautiful poem!!!
Two thumbs up!
Amy.

So you've learned to write.

So what have we got here exactly in life, a poem it seems and a scenic road view of...romance, and throughout the galaxy and...time and space. MacroMacroMacroMacroMicroMacroMacroMacroMacro and some sort of voice interspersed.

So it's love and somehow this stretches the bounds of the Universe? Tell me, when the universe started in whatever way, in the cosmic sense of things, did love form in those hydrogen giants who burned out in the expanse of a million lifetimes and expended more energy than the entirety of human existence, who blistered the very fabric of existence and collided together with the force to rip black-holes from their solipsist pandering; did love sprout from the corked bottle of matter spewing for dear life to simply exist when existence itself was thrusted upon it? Does that mean existence, thus matter, is a product of chance and suffering, and then an idea of love and bonding is the way to fight existence in a cruel universe where the giants of the elements exist only to explode in dazzling porridge soup aurora borrealis streaks of nausea across the universe?

Nonsense, right. So to the review.

joshwaa38038 wrote:Tonight, I danced among the stars,
Floated freely among their twinkling insecurities.
From them emanated happiness,

Personified stars, personal conviction, personal embodiment, cathartic emphasis of hereafter creation on a macro level that will entail what the micro specifically did and wants, etc. Language to you appears to be a descriptor of the qualities of things that affect you.

Cool, like a man on a bus who looks at me and says "you know son, your money would make me feel real good. I's just need some change to get back home, I's been gon fa so long"; I could make him dance among the stars if I gave him my money. I could vanquish his insecurities like a exterminator spraying down a closet full of poisonous moths, like a druggie in an asylum imagining his bed is a closet and the aides from the hallway pretend to be exterminators, like a moth is insecure about its existence and is chewing holes in jackets, like a jacket is a person who has lost all semblance of life and sits in their room constantly and cannot break the prison and go wild because they feel alienated; everything is following Kafka in metaphor to break modernist alienation. Some just have different ways of doing it.

The point: too obvious. You're happy. You're clearly the narrator. Your experience uses pretty language, but you're letting me into your bedroom without asking me if I wanted to go in, and this is why most poetry like this is awkward. A good friend or old friend I'm not so bothered by, I know them more or less...and I'll get by the awkwardness pending they don't go crazy. A lover? Sign me right up buddy. Unless they're crazy.

But this isn't the poetry.

Poetry is like a high, is like an addiction, is like a mind storm, it's not immediate gratification. It's not a spoonful easy to put in the mouth. Like acid on the spoon, and the point isn't to eat, or maybe not to stare. Maybe it's the debate of whether the spoon exists, or you exist, or if the acid is an illusion, and all that's there is peach sorbet flavored frozen yogurt. It's your choice.

The kind of elation which wholly saturates existence.

Yup, same problem. Useless alliteration for one, you're mainly using filler words with it, so it's even more obvious. Saturating existence though, makes me think of saturated fat and existence....suddenly becoming filled like a blood vessel with saturated fats. Think about what your words bleed to the reader. See what I did there?

Elation --> doing something --> Saturating --> does something --> Existence --> Something grand is suddenly revealed or is being led to

Ok, so that's what it looks like. So, there's your problem. I can make it a laundry/grocery list of things that's much too obvious. I don't want to read this like a newspaper clipping or ode from a diary.

You have one thing going for you in this poem. Your metaphor, or attempted one, that love is changing the very fabric of existence to you, but then your personal narrator gets in the way and suddenly shoves all of your attempts at depth to the dirt of creative Hades and the muse are like "what's up brah?"

Enclosed in the spiral arms of a galaxy's acceptance,
My being accumulates mass from the infinitely large,
But undeniably tiny subatomic particles of innate understanding.
Extracted from me, memories flew by as contrails
Of the comets of which I was now independent:

You, you, you, you, you, you. How do I take part in this? And now you list things of you as the universe...so ok, maybe we're getting somewhere.

An objective view of subjective entities.
The illusion of distance shattered by the words of liberation,
By the kiss of light which eclipsed
The weight of the world.
The birth of a star,
An addition to the progressive nature of convalescence.
The evanescence of time,
An increment of consolation.
An elusion of the inescapable,
The emission of happiness from the prison of a singularity,
Of the black hole which devours everything.

The first line is awful. You could not get more pedantic. Please avoid that.
The next line...and then....and yes the same. See, let me show you something:

Enclosed in the spiral arms of a galaxy's acceptance,
being accumulates mass,
tiny subatomic particles
Extracted, memories flew by as contrails
Of the comets:
An objective view of subjective entities.
The emission of happiness from the prison of a singularity,
Of the black hole which devours everything.

So, what did I do?

I took the last few stanzas and took out all of the words that did nothing. Then I found what this did to the next few stanzas and found that some lines were suddenly more poignant, you were overloading your poem. What's left is what actually makes any sense to me and what I care about, as in, what I can connect to as meaning something tangible and still makes yonder poem go somewhere. It's up to you to make the first part flow obviously, but the personal pronouns in that stanza completely rob the lines of progression; becomes much too inner.

Tonight I witnessed the impossible:
The melding of one star into another,
The creation of a virtuously beautiful system of unfathomable power.
Space warped around itself,
Distorting the existence of ever- present dimensions,
Creating one of absolution,
Of remission in the cancerous tumor of existence,
Of irremediable reality.
Life and death combined into one,
Cancelling out individual constituents,
Paving the way for absolute being,
Paving the way for you and me.
Time screamed to be saved as it languished into the profundity of thought,
Devoured by the jaws of reason:
The effect of not learning to let go.
It is the fate that awaits us all.
Cosmic wind rustled the fabric of space,
Awakening the violence of history throughout the cosmos.
Stars exploded, galaxies flared, planets disintegrated,
And I was only able to dangle there on the edge of sanity,
Marveling at the specatacle before me.

Tonight, I fell through the fissures of faith as everything I once held true fell apart,
Disintegrated into the contingents of hereafter;
Perception elongated in the face of potential,
Adulterated by possibility.

Tonight, my heart shattered as the love which had been imparted upon me,
The verity which had bequeathed my happiness withered like flowers during winter.
Sanity fell from the trees of humanity,
Coating the ground with remnants of broken dreams.
The cool, winter air scattered the dwindling corpses throughout the now- violent universe,
And I lay there, beholding the destruction of all that I had ever known.

Tonight, a disclosure of gratuitous, newfangled merriment enclosed my mind,
Divulging things never before seen.
Altered perception,
Modified emotion,
Foreign altogether.
The only solution: to embrace.
Efflorescence of sanity, blossoming of belonging,
Complementing the peacefully overwhelming windlessness
Of a night everlasting.
An upturned smile,
The vitality in a touch,
The solace in a voice of unremitting beauty elicited a state of inexplicable ubiquity,
An omnipresence of reassurance in this unforgiving encasement.

Tonight, I met you.
Yes, tonight, I held you.
And that was all that was necessary to thaw the iceburg of an entity
That I had become.

Much of the same.

Tonight, tonight, tonight. This thing I get, I know, I can feel. I want to be in that galaxy too though, but you're just going on and on to yourself.

I, I, I, descriptive and emotive words, statements, and some interesting metaphors and ideas, but this is all over. Tie this down. You're making this like a "Who's Who's Mish Mah Jam Mix of the 80's Wonder Blus Zeppelin Surprise Prize" and I'm like "take me somewhere with you brah".

You're happy. Love. Emotions. Full of life. Take the emotion and reseal the experience in something else abstract that's not what you feel, but a new experience upon what the galaxy means to you and this emotion. For more space poetry, go check out Kamas's older poems, it's worth your time.

Josh, I'm working on it, I just have to get into Rice first!

Wow... Just... Wow. I can’t actually think of any other words to be truly honest. And a simple ‘Wow’ doesn’t really do this poem justice I’m afraid. I’m not much of a poem reader, let alone reviewer (or writer for that matter) so most of it was just a mishmash of long fancy words and philosophical imagery to my petty little brain, but it was all structured very well and very beautiful to read. :3 The last stanza was pretty magical to the brain really, gorgeous writing style you have there, really you do. Maybe not a style that would be read outloud, but nice to see on paper (or, in this case, a blindingly ‘glowy’ laptop screen at 1 in the morning). Anyway, as I was saying. Last stanza=fab. You’re style of writing reminds me of my friend’s style, so much deep description going on! One nitpick though. I’m pretty sure that it’s spelt ‘IcebErg’ rather than ‘IcebUrg’. Well, that’s what spell check is telling me anyway so I’m probably wrong. That’s the only thing that I picked up really.

Keep writing, because you’re great,

~Crim

Hey, just to point something out, just because it's poetry doesn't mean the first letter in every line has to be capitalized, it actually shouldn't be. So fix that up, if it follows a semicolon or a comma: lowercase it. Great job, I can't infd anything other than that that hasn't been covered. Keep Writing!

Absolutely beautiful. I'm lost for words to descibe this poem. I also think its great that, as a guy, you write poems because most guys don't, or they feel ashamed to admit that they do, which is ridiculous. I'm just blown away by this poem. You need to get it published. Like seriously.