Hidden

Chapter One


“Sam catch!”, I yelled as I grabbed a piece of bread from a near by stall and threw it across the market. My best friend, Sam, who was all the way across the market caught the piece of bread, laughed wildly and took off running down the street.
Now it was my turn. I ran down a side street, jumped a wooden fence and stopped when I met up with the road. I could still hear laughter and shouts coming down the road. Sam was close. Finally he came tearing down the road and tossed me the bread.
“Don't get caught!”, he yelled.
“You too!”, I said and watched as his blond head and defiant grin flashed by.
I climbed up the nearby wooden crates and searched for the familiar worn hand holds. They were made by removing chunks of brick from the wall of the falling apart house.
I'd made it to the top of the house by the time the soldiers had caught up with me. The whole plan depended on the soldiers climbing up to get me.
I wasn't worried, Sam and I were the youngest out of the most wanted thieves in the Kingdom.
As I suspected they couldn't climb the same as a 14 year old boy could. They were tripping over each other and smashing crates but the best part was when they almost got to the top of the house and just fell back down. If Sam was here I know he'd be laughing so hard he'd almost cry. I didn't even crack a smile though. I knew they would get up eventually and after that the rest of the plan relied on chance. If there was one thing I hated it was chance, it was playing guessing games and relying on luck. Sadly when a thief most of your life consists of luck, chance, and making guesses. As I was watching the soldiers one started getting close to the top. He appeared to be in his late twenties. He wasn't the youngest soldier there but he was still among the youngest. He had blond hair that swept to the side and a clean shaven face but that's not what made me notice him. The reason he stood out to was his piercing brown eyes that stared at me with such rage and hatred that I started to feel nervous. I didn't understand why he stared at me like that sure most soldiers were angry at us but this hatred seemed personal. The odd thing was I had never seen this man before in my life. I became so lost in my thoughts about this man that I didn't realize when he had made it to the top of the house. It was fine though .because I had spent all my life learning to run faster than soldiers and unlike them I had also spent most of my life walking across roof tops meaning I could also jump across the gaps in between some houses. I looked at the man last time and then I bolted. Now was the time that chance took over the plan. All I could hope for was that Sam had done his job and done it right.

This is very good!

But I think the sentence

I didn't understand why he stared at me like that sure most soldiers were angry at us but this hatred seemed

should have a comma before 'but'.



Keep it up!

~~Zinger

Interesting set-up. There's some issues with punctuation (mostly lack of commas) that you should look into, but I don't think I saw anything else in terms of spelling/grammar. Also, maybe you want to break up the last paragraph a bit?
You have good descriptions of people, especially as it's a little at a time instead of an information block, which is always good. I might suggest more elaborations on the setting? I understand if it's just that you want to get more into that later in the story.
Also, "If Sam was here I know he'd be laughing so hard he'd almost cry."- knew?
Anyway, good work.

This was fast paced, and pretty exciting. Your descriptions of people are done very well, and the main character, and his friend Sam, the "kid thieves" seem like pretty interesting characters. Although you didn't name or describe your main character; in a story you should try to do that as early as possible, so the reader knows who their following in this story and what they look like.

Also, the last massive paragraph is a bit of an eye sore- the writing's pretty good, but because it's so big compared with the rest of the writing, you end up getting a little lost and it becomes hard to read. Try to split it into maybe two or three sections.

Hope this helped!