Dreams

This is something I wrote a little over a year ago. I wasn't into writing poetry at that point, so I don't remember why I wrote this. Anyway, the only thing I changed about it was the structure of the stanzas a bit. The wording and everything else is all the same.

REVISION IN PROGRESS

Everybody has their dreams
all hoping to grow wings.
So why do some fly to the sky
while others shed tears on Earth?

Pencils to paper, creating pictures
or feet to the ground, finishing first.
A love dream, concealed in your heart,
afraid to come out and blossom.
Finding secrets beyond our reach,
like stars in the night sky.

If you could,
would you take your dreams,
soar up, and touch those stars?
Would you face your fear and fly?

I'll level with you- not a big fan of the first stanza. It seems like something cliched. Let us explore, and call upon the terrific tool, Thesaurus. All the pros used it- Monty Python, Steinbeck, me... Okay, that last bit was supposed to be funny, but hey. The last two stanzas I liked though. Not loved, like I said before, -thesaurus-, but liked well enough. The pattern is good and imigary is terrific, but the words used is over-used. I would deffinately keep it in the books though, it's a good poem. Potential is there for a fan-tabulos controversy peom. (Controversy here meaning challenging the reader.) I would most deffinatly, if you don't mind, message me if you decide to make any changes.

I hate being critical but the point is to improve in your writing. I found this rather cliche.

mellophone7 wrote:This is something I wrote a little over a year ago. I wasn't into writing poetry at that point, so I don't remember why I wrote this. Anyway, the only thing I changed about it was the structure of the stanzas a bit. The wording and everything else is all the same.

Everybody has their dreams This entire stanza is nothing new. But then again, dreams aren't a new concept. The key is to present the same concept in a new way and interesting way.
all hoping to grow wings.
So why do some fly to the sky
while others shed tears on Earth?

Pencils to paper, creating pictures So this is the stanza that's supposed to describe people's aspirations. You've got to switch up your vocabulary so that people don't just give up on the poem.
or feet to the ground, finishing first.
A love dream, concealed in your heart,
afraid to come out and blossom.
Finding secrets beyond our reach,
like stars in the night sky. You already talked about the sky in the first stanza. Switch it up.

If you could,
would you take your dreams,
soar up, and touch those stars?
Would you face your fear and fly? You're still talking about flying. Painfully repetitive.

Old concept, nothing new to keep the reader interested. You've got to spice this up. It'd like to see how it turns out. Pm me if you have questions.

Veritas

The short version is that the first stanza needs work, but the second and third stanzas are really quite good. I'm really quite impressed, actually, by how strongly you came back after a cliched opening.

Specifically, the first stanza feels a little too much like a Hallmark-card. This is emphasized by the near-rhyme of "dreams" and "wings", but is primarily driven by the content. In the first stanza you really want to grab the audiences attention. Try some metaphor that feels totally outrageous to you when you write it. Then let the poem sit for a few days and re-read it. Does it still seem bizarre? (Because this can be overdone.) Or does it now seem like a fresh way to say the same thing that hundreds of people have talked about before? Remember: there is nothing new for people to write about. However, there are fresh ways to say old things and cliched ways to say old things. Search for fresh, daring metaphors.

On the second and third stanzas, I would page through a thesaurus to see if you could find stronger verbs, but the essence of those stanzas is quite good. You juxtapose images well, especially in the second stanza (which caught my attention and made me what to read more). Believe me when I say that this poem, which was enjoyable to read, could be made spectacular with a little editing and a rework of the first stanza. Great job. Best of luck, and I hope to read more from you.