Dreamland.

A perfect boy, a perfect girl

hand in hand

They'll thrive together in this story book world

side by side



Beneath the oak tree, in the lovely fall air

growing old

They never have a fight, all their thoughts they share

flawless



On a beach, the wind caressing their clothes

together forever

This is a place nobody knows

dreamland

Hmm. I want to ask you why you wrote this poem. What is the feeling that you felt when you were writing? Is there a specific way you wanted the reader to feel? Something you wanted them to notice?

I'll tell you how I reacted to your poem. I was really bored by the perfect boy and perfect girl. I was bored that they never have a fight and are flawless, because how are they ever going to change? What I want to hear about is a journey, a person changing, a person wanting something and trying to get it, however small it is. That, to me, is what makes a story interesting. I know this isn't a story, though. It's a poem. But still, there are some people and they're not changing, so why should I care about them?

Then the last word was the only thing interesting to me in the whole piece. Yeah, it's a dreamland. It's not real. What else did you want to say about it? I know that these boring perfect people aren't real, so why did I read your poem? I wanna see what you have to say about this dreamland. Can you twist it? Can you change them? What would happen if they changed and how would that change the message or feel of this poem? Is that the way you want to go?

Don't be afraid to play with it.

Lemme know if you have any questions or would like to talk more!

Hannah

Hi there!

I like this poem! Especially since it sort of tells a story of a boy and girl living their lives together in a world nobody knows of. Personally, I think you explained it well! I like how you described a scenery and the actions in the poem. Good job and keep it up!

- gleek456 <3

Welcome to YWS first and foremost, everyone here is very welcoming so I'm sure you'll like it. There's always people willing to help in the forums or the chatroom, so I'm sure I'll see you around!

Onto the poem: it is a very nice image you've painted with it. It speaks to me as an idealistic view of a relationship, the things everybody wants but rarely gets - which I'd take a stab at saying is why it's a "Dreamland". I liked the fact that it was very short and simple, it sort of reflects how people want their relationships to be, simply wanting it to be perfect, no extra details ruining everything.

In general I'd say this is a real nice solid first post, I'd like to see you moving forward and developing your images and ideas in future, whether that be poetry or prose. Feel free to leave a message on my wall if you want anymore critique/advice. Keep it up!

Awh this is really cute! I think it could be longer though, and perhaps less spaced out? Just a suggestion. But it was good, clearly you're a hopeless romantic. Nice piece.

Hi there! I have some good and some bad to say about this poem, but to start off on the right foot, I did enjoy reading this!
First off, I liked that you wrote this out clearly, it's easy to understand the message, and it's simple to understand what you're trying to expose here. Two humans, "in love" together, in a world so perfect and unreal. Etc. Eventhough your writing was very simple, and not very descriptive, I was still able to picture images in my head based on what I was reading. Regardless, I feel as though you could probably write something really strong if you added more details. But that's the only complaint I have!
Keep writing! : )