Sparks - Chapter 1

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Chapter 1: The beginning
I woke up in bed, my head throbbing painfully. I was in an odd room that sort of looked like I was in the hospital. I sat and rubbed my head. I hadn’t remembered anything from the past few days. I knew my name. My name was Zephyr. I was going to Zyron College of Magic. I was in a magic club called Sparks. Just the background information flew into my mind. Memories of college quickly filled my mind as I watched clouds move slowly across the sky. A piece of silvery blonde hair fell into my face.
As I tried to remember what happened, a girl with furry bunny ears half danced, half walked into my room. She had on a whimsical tutu and a pink lacey corset. White bunny ears crept out of her wavy light brown hair. She looked like a character from an anime.
“Hi, Zephyr, “she said very high pitched.
“Hi-,” I paused trying to think of her name.
“You don’t remember me do you?” she said, her cute face painted with worry.
“Well I do, but-“
“But nothing! I’m Bianca,” she shifted into a feminine pose.
“Aren’t you in my magic group,” I blinked at her.
“You got it!” Bianca squealed.
“Where’s the rest of Sparks?” I asked, “What happened to me?”
“Destynee, Paige, and Zelda are in our room. You got knocked out dueling with Aine Jenova,” Bianca glared at the door as if she were going to kill it, “She hit you with some pretty hard magic.”
“Why were we dueling?” I said.
“Aine Jenova is your enemy. She thinks she’s the most powerful sorceress in this place,” Bianca spat, “Well she’s not! You are!”
Suddenly I dropped on my pillow again.
When I woke, I didn’t know where I was or how long I slept. I was in the woods, but my vision was blurry so I couldn’t see exactly where I was. A girl with long white hair walked into the clearing. She faced me with such a powerful look. I felt like a peanut compared to her. A short leather skirt wrapped around her slim hips and a yellow blouse draped over the skirt. She looked amazing.
“Evil won’t stay long, Zephyr,” Her voice sounded far away.
Another me stood in front of the girl, “Evil will take over, Jenova, “I growled harshly.
Aine took out a sleek metallic wand with a white crystal on the top. Ice blade wand. I watched myself take out two sharp fighting wands. My Shiquels. I remembered a Shiquel was two wands made for striking a player like a sword. It took a great amount of skill besides the magic. The two girls strode up to each other powerfully. Was that really me? Aine blasted Zephyr with sharp ice crystals, but Zephyr dodged it quickly with a fire wall. Zephyr clashed one of her Shiquels into Aine’s wand. Blue sparks showered from the powerful crash. Zephyr aimed an acid spell at Aine. Aine lost her balance and got hit with the burning acid on her arm. From anger, Aine shot spell after spell at Zephyr, while quickly dodging her throws. Aine shot a light beam at Zephyr, which Zephyr didn’t see in time and got hit. I crashed to the ground, gasping for another breath. Aine shot a final streak of lightning at Zephyr.
Like a dragon, I'll spread my wings and fly. Fly far away from this hatred planet and fly somewhere deep, where I shall be alone. My imagination is paradise.




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Looking over this, and reading it, I have to say that overall I liked it, but that there were things that bugged me. I hardly saw any spelling mistakes, or grammar for that matter, A+ there. But your sentance structure lacks form. For example,

I knew my name. My name was Zephyr. I was going to the Zyron College of Magic.


This seems rather childish, no offense meant, but perhaps you could've said,

I knew my name, Zephyr, and I knew that I was going to the Zyron College of Magic.

See what I mean?

But, overall I liked it, it was a good piece to read.
"So it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Does the wand in your hand know it's last master was Disarmed? Beacause if it does...I am the true master of the Elder Wand."

"And quite honestly, I've had enough trouble for a lifetime."

~Harry Potter




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It's just what Horseback said, the sentence form is a bit childish. Add a variety of lengths and play around with a few sentences. Otherwise I feel like the narrator is a child.

The idea sounds interesting, but I would try to build more on it. Leave us readers guessing a bit and work on being less direct. It hasn't really hooked me in yet, but I may read more. I would like it if you left off each chapter in suspense so that way the reader wants more.

I hope that helped! Ciao!
~Nana
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




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Wow, this is exciting! You certainly do have the gift at grabbing one’s attention, that’s for sure. It seems a bit of a mixture of Harry Potter and The Bourne Identity already. With a little bit of A Serbian Film as well... the main character is evil??? This is either a misinterpretation of the reader which means you’ll need to classify more OR simply brilliance at work, and I’m gonna choose to go with brilliance. :)

I sort of agree with HorsebackWriter, but it’s not really something I would stress on because it is mainly overshadowed by the rest of the piece. I don’t think I’d go so far as to call it a childish line, but I do think she has a point.

But anyway, it was an engaging and enjoyable piece. Hopefully we get to find out what happens or happened to Zephyr. Good work. :)



The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust