count on me

bad day
every day
when will you
rid this pain
and you cant stop complaining
tough luck
you suck
somehow you’re
just not enough
you give all you got, but its so frustrating

when you feel like all you can do is strike out
take a look at the guy standing on the mound

when your world is falling apart
you can count on me, count on me
when you needa make a new start
you can believe, ya believe
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you needa fall
you can count on me
for it all

tough pay
you never weighed
the options that you
had in the first place
and you need to, just chill out
hardly trying
but unifying
and here you thought
that you were dying
and now you finally dug your way out

when you go up there to swing that bat
don’t lay off, give it ‘em all that you have

when your world is falling apart
you can count on me, count on me
when you needa make a new start
you can believe, ya believe
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you needa fall
you can count on me
for it all

and when you need
someone to lean on
when you need
somebody’s shoulder to cry on
you can bet, or better yet
you can count on me!
I’ll be there
hmm…. ya, I’ll be there
just count on me, cuz

when your world is falling apart
you can count on me, count on me
when you needa make a new start
you can believe, ya believe
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you needa fall
you can count on me
for it all
when you don’t have the courage
to swing away
you can count on me
I’ll show you the way
when you don’t have the strength
at home to dive
count on me
together, we’ll strive
count on me
together, we’re right
count on me
and you’ll be just fine!
yeah

Wow!! How sweet, i really enjoyed reading this. Its got a really lovely ring to it and the words just seem to roll right off my tongue. Smooth word-play friend, smooth indeed. I even started singing along to it.
I like the way your stanza's were broken up. Everything is so well put together, its so neat and easy to read.

Don't ever stop what you're doing.

Wow this is smooth! My friend walked by and looked at me funny because i was singing along XD I tried all different styles and even tried rapping it. (Fail.) Anyway, great job on this! It was very sweet and well-written. The format could change a bit though.

Happy writing!

Veritas

count on me

New postby tomi6 on Tue Jul 05, 2011 4:48 am

bad day,
every day!
when will you
rid this pain? -- rid? as in "read" or "get rid of"? I suppose the last one...
and you can't stop complaining.
tough luck;
you suck.
somehow you’re
just not enough,
you give all you got, but it's so frustrating.

when you feel like all you can do is strike out, -- I'm a bit confused by what you wanted to say here...
take a look at the guy standing on the mound.

when your world is falling apart,
you can count on me, count on me.
when you need to make a new start,
you can believe, ya believe.
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you need to fall.
you can count on me
for it all.

tough pay--
you never weighed
the options that you
had in the first place
and you need to just chill out.
hardly trying
but unifying.
and here you thought
that you were dying
and now you finally dug your way out.

when you go up there to swing that bat
don’t lay off, give it ‘em all that you have.



and when you need
someone to lean on,
when you need
somebody’s shoulder to cry on -- loved this lines in italics
you can bet, or better yet:
you can count on me!
I’ll be there.
hmm… ya, I’ll be there,
just count on me, 'cause

I think this is pretty good for a song, but pay attention to grammar!

bad day
every day
when will you
rid this pain
and you cant stop complaining
tough luck
you suck
somehow you’re
just not enough
you give all you got, but its so frustrating

when you feel like all you can do is strike out
take a look at the guy standing on the mound

when your world is falling apart
you can count on me, count on me
when you needa make a new start
you can believe, ya believe
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you needa fall
you can count on me
for it all

tough pay
you never weighed
the options that you
had in the first place
and you need to, just chill out
hardly trying
but unifying
and here you thought
that you were dying
and now you finally dug your way out

when you go up there to swing that bat
don’t lay off, give it ‘em all that you have

when your world is falling apart
you can count on me, count on me
when you needa make a new start
you can believe, ya believe
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you needa fall
you can count on me
for it all

and when you need
someone to lean on
when you need
somebody’s shoulder to cry on
you can bet, or better yet
you can count on me!
I’ll be there
hmm…. ya, I’ll be there
just count on me, cuz

when your world is falling apart
you can count on me, count on me
when you needa make a new start
you can believe, ya believe
I’ll always be here to catch you
whenever you feel you needa fall
you can count on me
for it all
when you don’t have the courage
to swing away
you can count on me
I’ll show you the way
when you don’t have the strength
at home to dive
count on me
together, we’ll strive
count on me
together, we’re right
count on me
and you’ll be just fine!
yeah

There's nothing wrong with the rhyme. But I can make a few suggestions if you like:-

1) It would sound better even without all the repitition
2) You can make it shorter so that you send your message crisply (after all, its about 'counting on you' only)

But otherwise I love the way you show your open support to the person referred to in the poem. It kinda gives the reader a feeling of ''support'. Its all good. Keep it up!!!:)