Ugly

Spoiler

I didn't actually write this about anyone it just came to me when I was thinking about how beautiful the bay water looked when it was actually gross and green. Enjoy!

She was flawless to the eye
What seemed to be a complex flower
No one could see it was a lie
No one could see through her

Beauty was caked to her shell,
but she was rotting and you couldn't tell
Everyone said she was skinny as a stick
but if it doesn't eat, it too will become sick

She was ugly.
Rotten to the core
but her skin no longer hangs tightly
All her petals have tore

She sleeps in the ground
but of course her true beauty was never found

Wow, this poem was so good!

I loved the last line, it really tied the whole poem to a conclusion!

Boolovesyou wrote:All her petals have tore

I didn't get the whole tore part, maybe use another word?

Overall amazing job! Keep writing!

-germsieGal

This was very insightful. I liked it a lot, great job. I have one thing I'd like to point out though.

Boolovesyou wrote:Everyone said she was skinny as (a) stick

I believe this simile/idiom requires an "a" between "as" and "stick". Just my thought, since it doesn't quite make sense without it.

Really, great job! I agree with the person above!
-Brie

This is really sad... It reminded me of a really pretty girl i knew that died of AIDS... Beautiful insight!!! Never stop writing!!!!!!!!!

I really liked this and the message you convey. It's impressive that it came to you while looking at gross water instead of at an actual person. A testament to your talent as a writer I would suggest, however, breaking up some of the verses into separate stanzas maybe.

Boolovesyou wrote:

Spoiler

I didn't actually write this about anyone it just came to me when I was thinking about how beautiful the bay water looked when it was actually gross and green. Enjoy!

She was flawless to the eye
What seemed to be a complex flower
No one could see it was a lie
No one could see through her

Beauty was caked to her shell,
but she was rotting and you couldn't tell
Everyone said she was skinny as a stick
but if it doesn't eat, it too will become sick

She was ugly.
Rotten to the core

but her skin no longer hangs tightly
All her petals have tore
She sleeps in the ground
but of course her true beauty was never found

That's just a possible way of doing things. But it was completely fine the way it was, just a suggestion. Great writing and good job!

Veritas

Wow! That was really good! I agree with the person above about the stanzas, but other than that, it was great!

So much going through my head. This was really good and it had sooo much feeling put into it. Made me feel angry in a way of how no one realized her rotteness, and than sorrow for no one say the beauty that she did have. I really liked this one and made me think of some people to, and I like it when something makes me think. GREAT JOB!!

Wow, I really like this! It was really simple yet powerful. I love these lines:

She was flawless to the eye
What seemed to be a complex flower
No one could see it was a lie
No one could see through her

One part I didn't get was the torn petals- maybe you could clear that up a little... somehow.

Really good job! Keep writing.

Wow. This is really ... just, wow. This is so sad. The saddest part for me was "She sleeps in the ground but of course her true beauty was never found"

That is the one of the most depressing things I have ever read! Great job.

Keep Writing!

~JustMe

I really liked this poem. If I am interpreting it correctly, the poem is about a person who looks beautiful and radiant onthe out, but on the inside they are as ugly and as corrupt as ever.Well that is what I got from it. Even though it is so short, this poem is very insiteful. Sadly there are a lot of twisted poeple inthe world. They look perfect and harmless on the outside but on the inside they are constantly ploting on the next evil thing they can do. Well enough with my jibberish! I loved your poem and cannot wait to read more of your writings!

I agree with germsieGal. 'All her petals have tore' i just didnt understand to well, But if what you were going was mysterious...YOU GOT THAT.

I really like this poem. It was very beautiful except there was something I didn't understand.

Boolovesyou wrote:but her skin no longer hangs tightly
All her petals have tore

That slightly confused me but all the rest was brilliant

Very nice, I liked the poem and the way you presented it. I can see why some would become confused on the petals tore line but I understood what your were going for. Something I personally would have focused on however would not be the ugliness of the person but rather the disease. If you were intent on Anorexia Nervosa, which is in fact one. To me an attack on the impulse rather than the person being pulled along would have made more sense, because for most people they can not help themselves. Forgive me if this was not your intention, it is only the way if came off to me as. Very good work however, and I look forward to reading more. Good luck =)

-LadyofLetters

This was very sad, but brilliant just the same. I agree with the stanzas, but otherwise this was beautifully written. Great job! Keep writing!(:

This was very beautifully written! I don't have anything to critique about it except I agree with a few others that it should be broken up into different stanza's. Keep writing!