I am a homosexual. There, I said it. I like men. I am gay. I am a homosexual.
I bury my head into my pillow, groaning. It's all too much for me. Why was I born this way? Did God really hate me? I cast a glance to my Bible, sitting beside my bedstand loyally like it has for years. I glare daggers into it, wishing for it to just dissappear for once. God hates fags like me, or so I am told. That made me a sinner. I would go to Hell for that.
I grab the pillow and throw it at my bedstand, sending it crashing to the floor. I don't move to pick it up.
I am a homosexual. This is perfectly normal.
"No, it is not," I screech into my sheets, mostly because I haven't moved to grab my pillow. I am a freak of nature. God hates me for it. I'm supposed to like women. I'm supposed to hate men.
My cell phone vibrates and I think about not answering it, but then again it could distract me from my dilemma. I grab it and check the message, smiling to myself when I see who it is. My best friend, Ricky, had exactly the right timing. He was texting me about how the gays in Rhode Island could now have civil unions. He was a big advocate for gay rights, something that I admired in him.
I know I shouldn't, but I call him. I have to tell someone. It's been eating at me for a long time. He'd understand. He'd want me to tell him.
The phone rings four times and he picks up. I can hear music playing in the background, but I don't recognize it. My heart is pounding and I am pretty sure my breathing is erratic, as if I just finished running twelve miles.
"Hello?" Ricky's voice calms my speeding heart and I begin to speak.
"You know how you've said that I've been acting weird lately and that you know something's up with me. Well there is."
"Really now?" I can tell that he's smirking on the other line. I can imagine him over here, staring at me with dark eyes, waiting impatiently for my answer. "So what's so important that it's been messing you up?"
I stay silent willing the words to come out. My head's spinning now and I feel as if I may choke on my own tongue. My hands sweat and I get the urge to hang up on him. My fear is getting to me, the fear of rejection, the fear of Hell. If I don't say it, then it'll go away and I won't have to burn for all of eternity.
"James, are you there?"
I hear the concern in his voice and I know it's now or never. Fear rages in my chest, burning in my heart and trying to stop me from speaking. My throat becomes dry and I swallow to get some moisture back. Hands shaking and knees weak, I finally speak, my voice cracking as I do.
"It's time that you should know that I am a homosexual."
My heart pounds and I am dying to hear the next words. Would he shun me? Would it be awkward between us? Was he a hypocrite?
I hear laughter on the other line and Ricky finally says, "It's about time that you told me. I was about to get worried that you might believe all the haters!"
At which point, that sentence made me slap my forehead and feel like an idiot for worrying about his reaction.
A/N: This is how I came out to my friend, though I'm not a male. I used some of my own struggling with this and thus, James was born! If you'd like to see more from them, then ask and I could actually make this into another novel. Thanks and review
