Mask

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My new white dress floats gently around my ankles. It's too short. Everything my parents buy me is. At five foot ten, I tend to stand out in the middle school crowd, so this fashion faux pas is certain to be noticed. No one can find dresses long enough for me. Plus the fact that it's white. I prefer black, and my parents know it.
I fold my skinny jeans, BLACK jacket, and purple T-shirt into small little squares and tuck them safely away in my purse. (My crush likes purple. No one understands it.)
I skip down the stairs. "I'm leaving!" I call out. The dance is tonight. My last chance to say good-bye to my friends. And everyone else.
"That dress looks good," my father grunts. He always grunts compliments like that, I note with a twinge of annoyance. The ones even he realizes are an obvious lie.
"Yes, it does." My mother is obviously trying to look sincere. They aren't nearly as good at lying as me.
"Thanks!" I let the word slip out of my mouth, fly over my shoulder, and enter their ears. The door closes quietly behind me as I run to Kierra's house. I have to change. This dress is hideous.
I knock four time, in the syncopated, jerky rhythm we practiced over and over. I count to five and the door opens. She always takes five seconds to run to the door when she hears our knock.
"What are you wearing?!" she exclaims.
"New dress. I've gotta change here. Can I come in?" I pant, breathless from the run.
"Sure," she replies, a little uncertainly. This is not the weirdest moment ever, but it's still a bit strange.
I run up the stairs to her room. She waits by the door. After I've changed, I glance to the window, then shake my head.
After I've slipped into the normal outfit that stowed away in my purse, I join Kiki at the door. "Ready?" I ask her.
"Let's go." She opens the door and leaps over the steps, landing gracefully on the ground. I try to do the same thing and fall down.
We walk to the school and through the front doors. The music blasts into my ears and it's way too crowded here, but we still come. For fun. It doesn't even make sense to me.
Ki and I split up and walk around, her in the middle of the mob, me around the edges, playing tag with my other friends and stuff. I keep an eye on my crush so I can find him at the slow dance.
Then the slow dance starts. I tap his shoulder softly. He turns. The music fades to a minimum as I pass into a dreamlike state. "Do you wanna dance?" I stand there, waiting for an answer.
"Yeah, I was actually looking for you," he replies.
Chills shiver down my spine. I put my arms around his shoulders. He puts his hands on my waist.
"I'm leaving tonight," I whisper. He's not surprised; my friends already know about the move. The whole school knows.
"I'll miss you," he whispers back.
I bury my head in his shoulder until the song ends. When it does, I say good-bye and walk down the school hall. I pull the paper clip out of my pocket and pick the lock that lets me go left down the hallway. When I'm sure I'm alone, I turn on the light and cry.
On my way back, at the end of the dance, I click the lock closed and stop in the bathroom, correcting my mascara. My eyes don't get very red when I cry, so no one can tell.
I put on my most cheerful mask and my most bubble-headed voice. " Let's go!" Ki looks at me weird.
"Okay..." she says, carefully. I guess I seem too cheerful.
When we get to her house, I change back into the dress. I walk out of Ki's house and to the bridge near mine.
The river swims by below my feet. I kick one of my shoes into the river. It splashes down and is carried downstream by the current. The other shoe follows it.
I take out my cell phone and send a text to all my close friends. There aren't a lot of them. I send it to my parents too.
Then I set my cell phone on the bridge and jump into the waves.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The text message.
I have sunk down into the depths of depression before, and I will not allow it to happen again. Good-bye.

Spoiler
The story behind the whole thing:
The main character in this story had been depressed before. She was adopted, and it ran in her genetic family. The smallest trigger, some unremembered argument or something, pushed her down. (It's almost like falling through a trapdoor and drowning in the life below.)
She finally found her way back to the surface and climbed back into the real world.
She felt herself sinking when she first learned of the move, and she refused to fall again. So she killed herself.
That's what I was trying to say, but I didn't want to write a very lengthy back story.
Last edited by BelarusBirdy on Mon Jul 04, 2011 12:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud as it tore through them and now it's left me blind.
Florence and the Machine, Cosmic Love




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I like it! You were right, it is sad, but it is really good. I think that my only suggestion would be to add more of her emotions. It seemed alittle too calm to be coming from somebody about to commit suicide. But other then that, it is really good!
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3

I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story.
<3 VuzzyCat




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Add more emotion. This is too peppy for a suicide story. I mean, I can't feel for the character, nor do I get the feeling of depression. It seems like it should be about something else, but not that.

The basis is good, so just work on bringing out the emotions. Would she feel sad for leaving her parents? What about her friends? Her crush? How does she feel about them? What led her to this point? I'm just saying that there are a lot of factors that lead into that. Work on them please.

I hope my criticism was alright.

-Nana
There are four basic food groups: milk chocolate, dark chocolate, white chocolate, and chocolate truffles. -Anonymous.




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Hi!

First of all, I have to agree with VuzzyCat and paperbackheart, the girl seems a bit stoic and calm for someone who's about to commit suicide. Infact, when I read it, she sounded perfectly happy to me. Which is why the suicide came as a sudden suprise. I think that you should hint the readers that she is suffering from depression. At the moment, her thought, action and dialogue potrays her as a fairly normal and happy person. Perhaps you should have her thoughts wonder to the dark side a bit and don't let her sound as happy when she speaks. Make her do something that marks her as unhappy or something. Add more emotion in it.

Another thing is the motivation behind the suicide, I didn't get why she commited suicide. You have said that she has sunk down to the depths of depression. But when I read the story, I didn't pick anything up that might've caused her to be depressed. You have said that she was tall, very tall and that she was moving. Was that the reason behind her depression? Because I think a person needs to be more unhappy than that to sink into depression. Let alone be depressed enough to act on it. It is one thing to have depression but another to act on the depression. For people to act on their depression, something big must've been crushing them down. I didn't see this big thing that was making her commit suicide on the story. So, I think that you need to tell us more clearly about how she became depressed and why she chose to act on it.

Also, there's the crush. I find that the crush's presence in the story a bit sudden. There had been no previous mention of the crush before and now boom! he comes out of nowhere and is now the main character's crush. I think that you need to first tell the reader that the crush exists. Make his presence feel not so sudden. Perhaps have the main character look around the room and see him. Then tell us a bit more about him. Or something like that. I just feel as though the crush's presence shouldn't come so suddenly. I think that you need to ease the reader into his existence a bit.

Well, those are my main criticism. I think that you have a pretty good story with a bit of tweaking. You already have the characters there, the plot and the setting. You don't need to do much more, except for put more emotion into it and tell us more things. At the moment, it's pretty short. So, I don't think it'll hurt if you add more information on the depression, the crush's presence and little things like that.

So, with a bit of tweaking this will be brilliant. Keep it up! :)



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