Nevermind them, Us.

It was your smile that made up for the absence of the sun that day, the smile you tried to hide as you walked to me - sitting on the white sand. I stored that picture in my memory because I knew that one day when we're long into the years we swore we'd never live to, I'd recall it. I'd miss you and the youthful heart that I used to love you.
It danced on your lips, the smile, and made your face a canvas for all the things that we're hiding under it. I noticed them there because I'd seen them too, when I sank back into myself I'd seen them all under my skin.
Her.
Him.
Each other.
Funny how we didn't notice them hanging in between us. They were all running in parallel worlds, the rigid, meticulous worlds we hopped out of to find ourselves in each other's company. Even though every time I looked at your face I saw him and her and us, my eyes could not draw themselves away to focus on things that didn't send a shiver of guilt down my spine.
As we walked in the water and I kicked it, I swear I saw it jump into your eyes and you, not seeming to notice, watched me through the crystal clear intention left in your sockets. I know what you wanted, and how I wanted it too. But I knew that behind the crystals lay other pretences and although you said you would lay yourself bare for me to see, there was a while different story, the whole different parallel world. However, we knew that we could dance then, searching for answers in the shades of grey as we twirled. We knew better not to dance to vigorously as to bump out world off of its axis and into the others.
The others; the lining of the parallel world we hid from to escape. While we hid we muffled our laughs with each others hands. Of course it could not last forever, but I lived those few moments for the forever they would be in my memory.
The sun that hung behind the ceiling of clouds was dropping from the sky, but we pushed our time to chase away the last of the light sitting on the horizon so that when you had to walk away and leave me on the shore, I couldn't watch you go.

Hi! Thank you for reading! This is still new, and different from what I normally do. Optimistic love is not normally my forte, and I find this piece a bit cliche' and sappy, but I hope you enjoyed it. Also, I'm extremely technologically challenged at the moment, please point out any errors! thanks!

Very good! If you hadn't said you were new at this topic, I would have easily thought otherwise. It flows very well, which may be one of the best aspects of it, as many works of this type tend to feel a tad forced. Good job! It is never easy to write about love, considering how tough it is to be sincere without being cheesy. But you nailed it! Really painted the situation in my head

Well overall, I think this may have had its potential, but it's far too in the stages of a first draft for me to clearly make out any solid potential yet. I may have spotted quite a few things wrong with this piece though. For one, it was posted under Short Stories. For this to have been a short story I would have more so expected there to be a little bit of a stronger message, or distinct plot, or event occurring for it to seem as enticing as I like to think short stories are. Secondly, I think that for a love scene, you could have made it a little bit more exciting rather than cliche. D: That's where the editing comes in after the first draft. Once you have a solid base you can really morph this into anything you desire. So take advantage of that!

One basic thing I guess I wanted to point out was the vagueness. I mean, as I first started reading I was already a little lost because it felt like you dove into something without fulling thinking out your intentions. It would have been nice to read up some explanation rather than have this look more lovey and poetic. (If that makes sense.) There were parts when I was just thinking, "What's going on really?" I wish you could have smoothly explained a bit more. And you could have, actually. This is really short as it is. I would have enjoyed to see it a little more beefed up, you know?

I was unknowing of what was going on in the setting. The only thing I really caught onto was that this was about two people who were in love with each other, and on a beach spending the day together, living in each other's presence. There's not much to be said when I think about it this way. You sort of see what I meant about being vague? Well, I would like to be a little more informed of what's-the-hap, rather than feeling utterly clueless to the point of it all. D:

Another thing I wanted to point out was how many sentences seem a little sprung on the reader. This for example hardly registered in my head so much:

As we walked in the water and I kicked it, I swear I saw it jump into your eyes and you, not seeming to notice, watched me through the crystal clear intention left in your sockets.

I didn't understand the gist of what you were trying to say here. Which can become problematic if you have too much of that going on throughout the length of your story. I'd like to know what you meant when you said, "watched me through the crystal clear intention left in your sockets." What was his intention? What does it have to do with the speaker kicking sand in his eyes? Things like that. I would advice cleaner articulation rather than messy thoughts or feelings on paper, because although you may understand what you're trying to say, the majority of the time your reader doesn't.

Another quote I wanted to point out:

The sun that hung behind the ceiling of clouds was dropping from the sky, but we pushed our time to chase away the last of the light sitting on the horizon so that when you had to walk away and leave me on the shore, I couldn't watch you go.

The only coherent thought I've read basically was this here, because it gave me some insight as to what was even remotely occurring here between characters. There should have been so much more of this. You were basically leaving it up to the reader to understand what you were going on about in the scene and therefore leaving one too many holes for them to fill in. Lead your story more clearly. It'll become more enjoyable that way.

There were a few instances of misspellings of words and little nitpicky grammar things going on, but I'll just point this one out here for you so you can understand what I mean.

We knew better not to dance too vigorously as to bump our world off of(Remove the "of" here) its axis and into the others.

Not the best articulated sentence. Though a powerful metaphor for the way they took in each other's presence, you had those tiny errors floating around like in much of your other sentences. I would focus a little on going back through and attempting to catch these little errors so that you may move onto bettering your first draft and putting together an even better second draft. In fact, I encourage you to do so. Despite how challenging first drafts and constructive criticism can be to take in, in the end it only allows you the room to grow as a writer. So take this as a challenge to better your own writing skills. ^-^

Good luck!

-Smylin'

hi there I liked how you spun the looming sadness and stuff into the whole piece, but I think at times you did this a little too much instead of expanding some of your fantastic romantic imagery. For something you say you're new to, you did pretty well at creating that rose-tinted atmosphere. Just do more of it!

Also, your little comment at the end was sweet, but you made no distinction between story and message, so either put a bigger gap and/or put your actual message in bold or something - or probably at the top would be best.

So, to the punctuation and grammar nitpicking for which I am infamous

I stored that picture in my memory because I knew that one day when we're long into the years we swore we'd never live to, I'd recall it.

I think you need an extra comma in there, and some clarification on tenses - here's what I'd suggest: "I stored that picture in my memory because I knew that one day, long into the years we swore we'd never live to, I'd recall it."
I like the idea behind this sentence, but I find it a bit confusing. Actually, quite a lot of your piece has these references, comments telling of things said between the characters that they and you know, but I have no idea about. Being mysterious is one thing - just make sure there's enough base knowledge for me to appreciate it, and not get totally lost!

They were all running in parallel worlds, the rigid, meticulous worlds we hopped out of to find ourselves in each other's company.

Instead of a comma here: "parallel worlds, the rigid, meticulous..." maybe try a colon or dash. Or maybe not... I keep forgetting if I like that comma or not xD Also, here is another example of over-mystery: what is meticulous about the other worlds? And are they literally dimension-hopping, or metaphorically?

We knew better not to dance to vigorously as to bump out world off of its axis and into the others.

This sentence went completely over my head. "We knew better not to dance too* vigorously" ?? Huh? Do you mean "We knew better than to dance so vigorously, the world would be bumped off its axis and into the others"? Even then it's kind of unclear...

The others; the lining of the parallel world we hid from to escape.

I don't like this... I don't think it's clear why there's a semi-colon, and how it links to the previous paragraph or the subsequent writing.

Of course it could not last forever, but I lived those few moments for the forever they would be in my memory.

A compliment! Sorry, I think my above comments have been a bit harsh (generally because I got confused and I don't like being confused - I like to be superior ) but I liked this. The second half was unorthodox and not how I would have written it, but it works. It really does. I love it

OK, so overall I have to say I don't think you set the scene, characters and situation as clearly as you could have, and that's probably because you wanted to fit it into a small amount of words. Don't worry about that! Take as many as you need to make this as effective as it has the potential to be. Otherwise, if you like the confusing mystery thing, maybe adjust it into a poem? That could also work... it felt quite like a poem when I read it, because the parallel worlds thing was a bit strange but that would be awesome as a metaphor in a poem. Something to think about... but nice work for a first attempt

~*cottonrulz*~

Interesting, but I didn't really understand what was going on... Maybe it's supposed to be like that? Some things are meant to be unanswered, like the mystery of the top at the end of inception or something like that, but I still didn't really get what was going on. Can they see a parallel universe through eachother's eyes or something? Just wondering. Well, thanks for the interesting story, and I'll try to remember to check for updates, later!