Wow, that is really good. Really, really sad though. I was hoping for a happy ending. It's good though!
I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased, the only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter. <3
I'm single because God is busy writing the best love story. <3 VuzzyCat
I like it! This poem really puts a mental image of the situation into my mind, and you put it simply, making it very easy to relate to. I can tell this is from the heart. Keep it up!
The poem's formatting seems a bit spastic and random. Like here:
Will never See him.
I think that it would've been better if you just place it all in one line, because when poems are read, the last word of the line gets an emphasis, I don't think there needs to be an emphasis in this case, even if you wanted to emphasise the never, I'd have use italics instead. But I don't think the emphasis is necessary.
You also did that a few times throughout the poem. Which is probably why the poem looks so long. But formatting the lines like that also make the poem sounds broken and not as flowly as it could've been.
Another thing I saw was that you tend to repeat the same thing over and over again, but using different words. Like the stanzas 5, 6 and 7. The whole three stanza was dedicated to saying how this particular character doesn't care about the death of someone else. Someone they loved. With poetry, it's all about expressing your thoughts and emotions in the most concise way possible, which is why it's so different from prose. With prose, you're allowed to write whatever you want and with as many words as you want. But with poetry, you have to make something meaningful in fewer words. With your poem, I think that there's a few repeats here and there that aren't exactly necessary.
I did like the story the poem was telling, although it seemed a little something like what a prose might tell. But that point aside, I liked the story and the ending. i find that I like endings which doesn't always end happily. Because we all know that life doesn't always end happily.
So, overall, good job with the poem, just watch out for the articulation of it. Keep writing!
Last edited by MiRaCLeS on Sat Jul 02, 2011 2:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hello I am going to review your poem; (red is corrections, opinions etc)
"I don't care," You say, As if you Not caring Makes it better. Makes it all go away. this stanza doesn't really have a good flow to it like your others.
But it doesn't. I'm still here, And I still care, Even if you, Don't. i would like this stanza better if 'don't' was in the previous sentence.
Because he's gone now. He's missing, He's my husband And your brother.
He could be lost, He could be hurt, He could be Dead. dead also shouldn't be in it's on line And you know that.
So don't you dare Tell me That you Don't Care. Because you do. i'm not really a fan of all the separate lines for words it doesn't really give it a good flow
I can see you do. 'do' is confusing in this sentance, i don't think it's the proper word to use I can see it tearing you up From the inside out.
Your dying from this Just As much As I am. again separate lines aren't needed
Because you love him. He's your little Brother. And you love him. More than you Know.
And here we are, Waiting For the phone to ring. To hear If there's any news Of where He is.
But there isn't. I hear you murmuring "I don't care, I don't care." Trying to convince Yourself That the lie Is true.
Hours pass And you've fallen asleep On the couch. I can still hear you But it's changed. "I DO care, I DO care. Don't die, Don't die."
The phone rings. You wake. It's the cops. They ask For you. I hand you The phone.
Strong, tough guy. You begin to cry. Tears of joy? Or of pain. I wait. I listen. You hang Up.
You look at me. My heart turns cold. "They don't know Yet. They say The chances of him Being found Alive, Are sliced In half," You choke. Tears running down Your eyes.
No! He can't Be dead. He can't. He just Can't...
Days pass And turn into weeks, Which turn into months, And I learn, That I'm carrying, A bundle of joy, That's his.
And we wait. And they can't Find him. I stop Seeing his face, On Missing posters. But I still miss him And you do Too.
I start Seeing a bump, And you start Avoiding me. Because this little bump Reminds you of him.
And you're still Trying To convince yourself That you don't care. But you do. You're running from it.
D-Day has come. Due Day. And the little creature comes, Exactly as planned. But there's a problem. They rush The baby Away.
I haven't even held the baby yet. I haven't even counted his fingers And toes. But you come rushing in. All excited About something.
"They found him," You say, "They think they've found him!"
"Alive?" I whisper. You shake your head, "I'm not sure. It wasn't clear." "What do you mean, It wasn't Clear?" I yell.
You shrug. I can almost Hear you Saying those awful words. I don't care, I don't care.
The baby Is wheeled in. I hold him. Franklin Charles Fletcher Jr. I hand him To you.
You hold him. "He looks Exactly like Franky," You say.
An hour later, You get A call On your cell phone. You rush out without saying anything.
As soon, As I can leave, I take Franklin To the police station.
They send me To the hospital. I push past The doctors Into the room.
And there he is. Exactly how I remember Him.
But something's wrong. He's dripping With blood. It's a gruesome sight. His eyes are open, Unseeing. His face is pale, And pasty. And he's gone. He's gone. His body is here, But he's not.
I wasn't supposed to see him Like this. I wasn't supposed to see the blood, And the bruises.
I'm supposed to view him, In utter peace, With makeup plastered over his face, And his eyelids glued shut.
But that's not true. The truth is He didn't die Peacefully. He was beaten For the change in his pocket And left for dead. And he wasn't found, For nine months.
And he'll never see His baby. And his baby, Will never See him.
But you don't care. You say, As if you Not caring Makes it better. Makes it all go away.
But it doesn't. I'm still here, And I still care, Even if you, Don't.
So don't you dare Tell me That you Don't Care. Because you do. to be honest i would write comments on all of these stanza's but they kind of all say the same thing plus they are all on separate lines which doesn't give it a good flow.
i hope you understand what i am trying to tell you and if so, please put it under some consideration in your future poems if you choose to do so.
Hello there! I have to say I really like this. It is nice and simple and paints a good mental picture, particularly towards the end. I like the storyline although it is a little sad - but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The length didn't seem to bother me, but the formatting was a little unusual. It did alter the flow of your poem, interrupting it here and there and seemed to confuse me every now and then. Your wording is good - non-complex and easy to read and understand. I like how you build up to the ending and the way that it starts off slow, gradually speeding up as the poem progresses. I didn't pick up any spelling or grammar mistakes, so well done! Good job on a lovely poem!
'You've gotta sing sometimes, like you don't need the money, Love sometimes, like you'll never get hurt, You've got to dance, dance, dance, like there's nobody watching, It's gotta come from the heart if you want it to work.' Adam Brand, Come From The Heart
