Young Writers Society

Fear-scent. Smell of sweat. Choking. Bodies pressing against me. Snorting, neighing, screaming, clanging—fear-scent. Pain. Deep ache in my belly. Fear-scent. What is happening?
I smell my own fear. Flies buzz in my eyes, all over me, over everyone. Fear-scent. Death-scent. Death? Who has been killed? Blood-scent. Who bled?
Hungry…so hungry. I want grass. My throat is dry with thirst. Water. Fear-scent.
Horse crowds behind me. Too tired to kick. My head hangs and flies bite my eyes. Can’t shake them off. More clanging, shouting, fear-scent. Gate opens. Light stabs my eyes. I stagger after other horses out of the trailer. Confused. Fear-scent.
Men with whips lash at us. Pain across my body. Vultures circle a big building. Smell of blood strengthens. Fear-scent.
Herded into building. Gate slams behind us. Eyes burn, mouth dry. Fear-scent. Another gate slams, trapping us. Overpowering fear-scent.
Smell of blood again. Smell of death. They open gate, whip me through. I neigh. Fear-scent.
Why am I leaving my companions?
What will happen to me?
Fear-scent. Sweat on my body. Man in front of me leads me into a small pen. Ground slick with blood. Flies bite. Man raises shiny, sharp thing. What is happening?
…Fear-scent.
My fear.

This is powerful. I love how you focus on the surroundings and let the emotions kick in. While many would say not to use fragments, which you did multiple times, it's actually very effective. I could feel the panic and the fear that the horse felt, especially with the repitition you used and the way you described what was happening. It really pulled me in.

The only problem I had was this:

Horse crowds behind me.

Should that be horses crowd behind me? Or my friends crowd behind me? I'm not sure about this sentence. I would elaborate on this, but not too much.

I am happy that you shortened the sentences because it gave a more panicky feel than the variety. Good job and keep writing like this. It is very interesting and I'd love to see more.

hmm, I'll work on it.

Hello there
great read. You let the emotions kick in by themselves. You used fragments alot and that kind of bugged me, but the way in which you used them was to promote power to the emotions of the horse and it surroundings. great job
in the beginning, you let the words give perspective on what was happening. Like this :

Fear-scent. Smell of sweat. Choking. Bodies pressing against me. Snorting, neighing, screaming, clanging—fear-scent. Pain. Deep ache in my belly. Fear-scent. What is happening?

the very ending of this made me see confusion or distortion or some sort. This was the best thing that I could find in here where you used the fragments at their best.

one question though, that you should probably clear up in this, what is fear-scent?
Is it the "scent" of fear? try to personify that more in the story.

Overall, you did a great job at letting the words work the magic. Well- written, and you also have a really great voice in this.

keep it up!

--Ash

Well, I want to say this is a good story. This is really good. I like this. I espeally like the beginning. I didn't know what you were talking about at first but I got it after a while. You are talking about how a horse feels. By the way, keep writing.

Ash: Thanks for your critique Yes, fear-scent is the scent of fear, because horses can sense emotions like that. The fear scent is his companions' fear and also his own. Thanks again )
Creativemuse1: Thank you yes, I was talking about how a horse feels when being led to be slaughtered for dogfood and thank you, I shall keep writing. xD