This Little Bit Of Sage

It's like a wind passing me by,
a cool cyclone swirling to the sky.
And in the stillness I thought I might die.
Let the storm rage like the twinkle in my eye!

Cobblestone and concrete alone
are not enough to shake my flesh to the bone.
“This house is not a home!”
So says the black sheep with the wolf at his throat.

I need a thunder crash,
a bluebird moving in a dash.
They'll tear me down,
and place a sash around my heart.

Oh you fools and your fame!
Wise men that all speak the same!
I think the status I've lost,
Is worth the beauty within the pain.

As the boat moves across the lake,
the water shaking from it's quake,
it's reflection paints a swirling picture
that's a shadow on my mind's edge.

May the clouds fall on me
as I pass from sight as you see.
I lived my life with my eyes on the sky,
and my hand on a rose petal.

Well, I think this poem needs some work. I thought it was very...unique, different. It was interesting because it was different, but at the same time it was kind of clogged and confusing. Some things seemed out of place. It started off well, but then kind of went downhill towards the end and got all jumbled up.

First off, I don't really know how the title relates to the poem. Maybe you could make that a bit clearer? Because right not it's not clicking for me. Oh, unless you're refering to sage as a little bit of wisdom... Okay, maybe it makes more sense now.

It's like a wind passing me by,
a cool cyclone swirling to the sky.
And in the stillness I thought I might die.
Let the storm rage like the twinkle in my eye!

I like the "cool cyclone" imagery. I like the word cool in front of the cyclone, because usually when I think of cyclone I think raging and fast and relate that to hot, but you tone it down with the use of the word cool.

Also, I'm going to nitpick your punctuation, because you are using it in these poem, so I might advise you to tweek some parts.

I think the ! in the last line of this first stanza isn't really needed. I mean, you can have it there, but I think it would work better if you left it out. That's just my impression.

Overall, I like the first stanza. It's not super catchy, but it's not as jumbled or confusing as some of the later stanzas.

Cobblestone and concrete alone
are not enough to shake my flesh to the bone.
“This house is not a home!”
So says the black sheep with the wolf at his throat.

Okay, so you're kind of jumpy in your stanzas. Your transiions aren't as fluid as they could be. The first stanza you're talking about winds and storms and now all of the sudden your talking about grounds and homes and sheep and wolves. It's all whoosh! It's very fast and throws the reader into a new place, which can sometimes be good for a poem, but for this one it's like, "Ahhh! We going too fast! too fast!"

And why does the black sheep say this? It doesn't make any sense to me. He's screaming out, what I think of, is song lyrics about a person thinking a home isn't really a home without the person they love. I don't think it's necessarily something you should scream when you're about to die.

The first two lines can work with the rest of the poem, but the last two lines seem like they belong somewhere else to me... Just... very out of place.

I need a thunder crash,
a bluebird moving in a dash.
They'll tear me down,
and place a sash around my heart.

I think this stanza would have worked better as the second stanza, because you talk about thunder and you were talking about storms in the first stanza.

Who's they? You haven't mentioned anyone before. It throws me off. And what's a sash around your heart supposed to be? Is the sash like a chain, or a lock? The thunder part works, but once again the last two lines don't go. It's like you're trying to rhyme more than make the lines work with the poem.

Oh you fools and your fame!
Wise men that all speak the same!
I think the status I've lost,
Is worth the beauty within the pain.

The first two lines of this stanza really make sense to me when I think of the title. I understand this part of the poem well.
Also, there's no need for the comma after lost, and "Is worth" should be "is worth", no capital on this is.

What was your status? And how was loosing it worth the beauty or the pain? I think you have just a habit of making the last two lines of each stanza very confusing and unrelated. And even unneeded.

As the boat moves across the lake,
the water shaking from it's quake,
it's reflection paints a swirling picture
that's a shadow on my mind's edge.

Where'd the boat come from? Was the narrator on the boat to begin with? Or are they just taking about a boat and are not on it themself?

"It's reflection..." should be "Its reflection..." When you say it's, you're really saying it is, so it sounds like, "It is reflection..." which doesn't make sense. I know 's is used for possesion. Like, my mother's reflection, but when you're saying it, you don't put it's, you just leave it its, unless you're saying that it is something.
Did that make sense? Hehe.

I think the water shaking works nicely with imagery because it reminds me of the storm that you were talking about. I can picture a boat out on a raging sea in a storm, but thinking off all the other elements you've put into this poem, like the sheep and wolves and concrete, it makes it very confusing and random.

I think the last two lines of this stanza are alright. I mean, they don't really spark anything in my mind. I think different word choice could be used, or it could be cut down in someway, because it's kind wordy and awkward. Once again I'm not too found of the last two lines, but at least they make more sense to me.

May the clouds fall on me
as I pass from sight as you see.
I lived my life with my eyes on the sky,
and my hand on a rose petal.

The first line of this stanza is good. Clouds make me think of the storms you've mentioned thorughout the poem.
The second line is worded weirdly, try and fix that. You use as twice in that line and it just makes it strange to read and hard to understand what you really are trying to say.
The third line is nice, images of the sky, clouds, storms, all relate to one another. It makes a poem good when you're constant with imagery and everything can connect and relate to each other.

But... the last line when I read it I had to re-read it. I was like, "...what?" It doesn't make any sense.
Where in the world did the rose petal come from? Did you even mention flowers or roses earlier in the poem?
And why does the narrator have their hand on a rose petal? Did they accidently glue their palm to it?
It's just... very confusing and doesn't make any sense and doesn't work AT ALL in my opinion with the poem. Maybe there's some deeper meaning that I'm not seeing, but so far I'm wondering what the person's hand on a rose petal has to do with anything.
So yeah...

Your poem leaves me with a lot of questions. And not so good questions. Thought provoking questions are good for a reader when their deep and trying to find a meaning to the poem, but these questions are just questions from a confused and wondering reader. I think you need to fix things up. It has a good start, and a good base. I think if you made it more consistent and less... obscure and random it would be a lot better and a lot nicer to read.

Anyway, I enjoyed reviewing it. : ) It gave me a lot to talk about.
If you have any questions for me or need any advice or assistance (although you're probably sick of me at the moment, hehe), then lemme know.
And sorry if I sounded rude or jerkish in this, I don't mean to.
I really don't think it's a bad poem, just... confusing...and in need of improvement.

Good work and good bye~ : )

I really liked this.
there was something that reminded me of the hermit in the poem, old, wise and hard
the fact it was a bit unclear only increased that mystic/angry spirit.
I am well aware of the fact that if you meant something completely different, I just made a fool out of myself
hope I haven't

also, I think it's great you have your own independent style

Hey man, I'm glad someone read it with the right mindset. Thank you!

always

Ummm. This was very messy. I had two problems with reading this: the couplet rhyming and the disintegration of the couplet rhyming.

First off, your rhymes did not seem genuine. They read to me as generic, as if you just wanted to craft a line that rhymed the previous one.
Second, you started to lose me for the second half of the poem. The rhymes weren't there (which is fine, but just did not flow well as a whole) and the images were just random. If you don't want to stick to the rhyme scheme throughout, continue to make the words flow! Don't ruin its poetic sound.

I don't want to offend you, because I understand that you probably don't care for critiques, but I'm saying what I feel.
I wanted to read this because the title interested me. and it was also refreshing for me to connect to this poem. Your style here and the poem itself reminds me of my own. Especially in these two poems of mine: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=52368
and http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?t=52368

I understood your poem up until the last two stanzas, which made no sense to me at all.

No you didn't offend me I tend to ignore rhyming strict rhyming patterns as I think they make the poem sound silly. There wasn't supposed to be a pattern, I let the rhymes fall where they may. There is a reason each stanza is separate, it's because they are each making separate statements that come together to make a whole. I understand that even with that knowledge the poem doesn't make much sense if you are looking for a message in the usual sense of the term. It's rather abstract. Try to think about it.