The Martians are coming!

Your story is about an administrator in a Martian canyon eating bread

Cautiously, Nate peered around a reddish orange wall. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Martians in sight! Those pesky little….

“Hi, Nate! So, I was like, getting my hair done, and someone like, stuck an open peanut butter jar on the headrest, and it got ALL OVER my head! I mean, what’s up with that?” Startled, Nate dropped the paper bag he was holding as a bouncy, blonde headed, green skinned girl popped in front of him.

“Where'd you come from, Rebekah?"

"You know, Nate, I DO live here."

"Right." Here we go again... "About the peanut butter... did you ever think that maybe Eli had something to do with that? He could have easily put it there.”

“Ohhh… You’re right! He did drop me off at the hairdresser… It hurt, too. Come on! A bump AND peanut butter? This has not been my day.”

Inwardly, Nate groaned. “Why don’t you go find him? You can make him pay.”

“Okay!" Rebekah’s face brightened up at the thought. "He better watch out! Bye, Nate!”

Good riddance. “Goodbye, Rebekah. Until we meet again” Which I hope isn’t for a looong while.

Slumping down, Nate picked up his brown paper lunch bag and opened it up. And cursed his bad luck- and Eli. “That little… He took MY peanut butter!”

Grumbling, Nate tore at his bare slices of bread, resolving never to come back to this canyon on Mars again.

Wow, this is short. Use the words you have left to beef it up.

Cautiously, Nate peered around a rouge colored wall [rouge is makeup, not a color. You don't lose anything by calling the wall red, orange, oxblood, vermilion, etc. but those last two aren't as strong as simple colors that everyone knows]. He breathed a sigh of relief. No Martians in sight! Those pesky little….

“Hi, Nate! So, I was like, getting my hair done, and someone like, stuck an open peanut butter jar on the headrest, and it got ALL OVER my head! I mean, what’s up with that?” A bouncy, blonde headed, green skinned girl [walking by his side? Floating?] gabbled.

Here we go again… “Rebekah, did you ever think that maybe Eli had something to do with that? He could have easily put it there.”

“Ohhh… You’re right! He did drop me off at the hairdresser… It hurt, too. Come on! A bump AND peanut butter? This has not been my day.”

Inwardly, Nate groaned. “Why don’t you go find him? You can make him pay.”

Rebekah’s face brightened up at the thought. “Okay! I will! He better watch out! Bye, Nate!”

This dialogue is a bit dull when put like this, as if you're not diversifying the form at all. How about
"Okay!", Rebekah's face brightened up at the thought. "He better watch out! Bye, Nate!"

Good riddance. “Goodbye, Rebekah. Until we meet again” Which I hope isn’t for a looong while.

Slumping down, Nate pulled out his brown paper lunch bag and opened it up. And cursed his bad luck- and Eli. “That little… He took MY peanut butter!”

Grumbling, Nate silently chewed his bare slices of bread, resolving never to come back to this canyon on Mars again.

I hope this helps, good luck

Hey, Remember! =) Thanks so much for your review!

rouge is makeup, not a color. You don't lose anything by calling the wall red, orange, oxblood, vermilion, etc. but those last two aren't as strong as simple colors that everyone knows

Thanks for pointing that out! While I'm a 14 year old girl, I'm still not into makeup. I fixed that little slip-up

Yeah, I guess I do need to give a little more detail on Rebekah's sudden appearance. I was trying to get it written in time (had 1 hour left) and also not exceed my word limit (which didn't come close to happening) I fixed that as well- I think. Do you think that it's a bit better, or did i just screw it up differently?

Also did the dialogue thing. =)

Thanks again for your help!! ^_^ And yes, it really WAS a help!

~The Scratt

Haha, very nice, my friend. There was very little to this piece, but that's ok! It was short, sweet, simple, and fun. When I first read the title, I was thinking along the lines of. . . 'seriously? That's immature. . .', but once I started reading, I just couldn't stop smiling!

One small technicality, though. To abide by the old-school English rules, an ellipses (the dot-dot-dot) is put as (dot-space-dot-space-dot), so that instead of '...', you see '. . .'

Another slight thing.

Instead of having:

Nate peered around a reddish orange wall

to make it slightly better, we put a dash, so that it becomes

Nate peered around a reddish#FF0000 ">-orange wall

But, this is overall a cool little tidbit piece. Good job!

Keep writing.

Yours,
Pyro