Rainbow Moon

(A flash fiction piece. Wants to keep it simple and short, so i don't plan on expanding it too much. Reviews of any kind welcome.)

Fists soaked in crimson, clothes ripped to shreds, he kept going at it, not allowing death to trail behind. Struggles were useless, overcome by the weight he pressed on his prey. It was almost over. How unfortunate.

Hands met throat; grip the last thing needed. “Come out come out where ever you are, Grip.” Where was that little devil hiding? He would wait; stay like this forever. It was music to his ears, her cries to be captured as he sought out his last player.

The quarry’s eyes swelled, her face turning shades of purple and blue. Shouts for help dwindled, as did her beating heart. Lurking from the shadow was grip itself. Found you.

With a final shudder everything went quiet, and still. As he smiled, a laugh slipped through his teeth and echoed in the silence.

His lips lowered to cold flesh. “Dinner time…”

Purple skin, red blood, blue eyes: a rainbow of colors, shining in the moonlight.

Heya! I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

Bhayden71297 wrote:
Fists soaked in crimson *Crimson-soaked fists , clothes ripped to shreds, he kept going at it **continued , not allowing death to trail behind. Her struggles were useless, overcome by the weight he pressed on his prey. It was almost over.

How unfortunate. - (these are his thoughts, right? So I think that they should be italicized. It not only looks classy but allows the reader to know the different between dialogue, thoughts, and the actual story.)

*Over there, saying "Fists soaked in crimson sounds a little choppy to begin with. The most important part of a novel is the captivating portion ( which can otherwise be called the beginning). I only suggest that you change this so that the words seem a lot smoother- and not as forced.

** Lol- "kept going at it" is street language. Just doesn't fit in for this kind of story I think.

His hands met her throat; grip the last thing needed. “Come out come out where ever you are, Grip.” Where was that little devil hiding? He would wait; stay like this forever. It was music to his ears, her cries to be captured as he sought out his last player.

The quarry’s eyes swelled as her face turned shades of purple and blue. Shouts for help dwindled, as did her beating heart. Lurking from the shadow was grip itself.

Found you.

With a final shudder everything all went quiet, and still. As He he smiled as a laugh slipped through his teeth and echoed in the silence.

“Dinner time…,(comma)” His lips lowered to cold flesh.
( I'd switch the narration with the dialogue.)

Purple skin, red blood, blue eyes: a rainbow of colors, shining in the moonlight.

This is how it looks with all of the edits...

Spoiler

Crimson-soaked fists , clothes ripped to shreds, he continued, not allowing death to trail behind. Her struggles were useless, overcome by the weight he pressed on his prey. It was almost over.

How unfortunate.

His hands met her throat; grip the last thing needed. “Come out, come out where ever you are, Grip.” Where was that little devil hiding? He would wait; stay like this forever. It was music to his ears, her cries to be captured as he sought out his last player.

The quarry’s eyes swelled as her face turned shades of purple and blue. Shouts for help dwindled, as did her beating heart. Lurking from the shadow was grip itself.

Found you.

With a final shudder all went quiet, and still. He he smiled as a laugh slipped through his teeth and echoed in the silence.

“Dinner time…,” His lips lowered to cold flesh.


Purple skin, red blood, blue eyes: a rainbow of colors, shining in the moonlight.

Overall:
This looks like a vampire story. I'm not too sure how I feel about that, but you do a pretty decent job of selling it to the reader and captivating our attention.Good job.

Grammar errors were almost none, so I think that all I have for you are these suggestions-
- Try to keep the language type constant. ( stay away from "street" talk and slang, and find alternate ways of saying things/diversify the diction so that the reader stays captivated and doesn't have trouble understanding stuff.)
- Add more meat to the story- ( if this is a prologue, that's fine, but this is waaay to short and un-revealing to be called a chapter)
- Utilize writing tools- ( it's okay to us italics if you want to integrate thought into a story. it's a nice and subtle way to let the reader know what is actually being said, and what is being thought.)

Other than that, nice job!

Keep Writing!
------------------
-Jojo

Hi,

Personally, I adored this. While you could have made it longer with detail, you really didn't need to.

Hands met throat; grip the last thing needed. “Come out come out where ever you are, Grip.” Where was that little devil hiding? He would wait; stay like this forever. It was music to his ears, her cries to be captured as he sought out his last player.

I don't understand that paragraph.

Hands met throat; grip the last thing needed.

Try rephrasing.

“Come out come out where ever you are, Grip.” Where was that little devil hiding?

Grammar, and doesn't make sense. You need commas, and who/ what is Grip?

He would wait; stay like this forever. It was music to his ears, her cries to be captured as he sought out his last player.

Huh? I don't get it. Oh well.

Overall, this was fantastic. There were bits and pieces that could use some revising, but as a whole it barely needed work. Good job on a phenominal piece.

Farewell,
A.

Thanks for the review! But This isn't supposed to be a chapter or prologue or anything really. I said above that it is just supposed to be flash fiction- meaning exactly what it reads.

-Brie

Hello again, Brie!
*shudder* Oooh! Creepy. I must say that I love the title. I went through the whole piece thinking, "How is she going to pull the title into it?" and bam. You did so very nicely.
It was nice to read a vampire story of pure vampire-ness - no love or complications. Good job.
I agree with everything Jojo pointed out, but I'm not going to mention it again.

With fists soaked in crimson, clothes ripped to shredslacerated, maybe?, he kept going at it, not allowing death to trail behind.

The last phrase, "...not allowing death to trail behind," confused me a bit. Maybe it was the wording, or maybe I'm just slow today, but I had trouble wrapping my head around what you were trying to say. Is he urging death to hurry up?

Hands met throat; Grip the last thing needed...Lurking from the shadow was Grip itself.

Very good use of personification, but if you want to personify something, it must always be capitalized. Also, "lurking from the shadow" sort of threw me off. I think it's the word "from." Maybe "among the shadows" unless it's the vampire's shadow specifically. Maybe I'm just too used to the phrase "Lurking in the shadows." Hmm...

With a final shudder everything went quiet, and still.

No comma

a laugh slipped through his teeth

I absolutely love this wording!

His lips lowered to cold flesh.

If he just killed her, her flesh wouldn't be cold yet. Unless they were in a freezer. Maybe "cooling" flesh.

“Dinner time…”

I'm going to have to disagree with Jojo on this one point about the comma. Unless you have a dialogue tag, you don't need a comma. Even if you decide to switch the dialogue with the narration, the narration is a separate sentence from the quotation, so you don't use a comma.

Overall, I know you wanted to make this a short piece, but a bit more description wouldn't ruin that. Just mentioning something about her hair, his teeth, their eyes, etc. Don't devote a paragraph to it, but give us bits and pieces so we can develop an image of these characters or their surroundings. Are they in the woods? a dark alley? an abandoned office building? the pool? the circus? It could be anything! Have fun with it.
Excellent work, Brie.
-Sea-

Hey Bhayden -

You've already gotten some really good, specific feedback above, so I'll just add that I think it would help a lot for you to really think about your phrasing. I feel like you're trying to say things in a roundabout or "different" kind of way. You're definitely on the right track - why say the same thing someone else has already said in the same way they said it? - but in several places here it just comes across as awkward. Phrasing always matters, but it matters even more in a flash fiction, when you've chosen to use a very small amount of text to convey a story or feeling. This sentence, for example:

As he smiled, a laugh slipped through his teeth and echoed in the silence.

I get this weird image of some kind of animal slipping out of his mouth or something once he starts to smile. Plus the idea of a smile slipping through his teeth makes me think his mouth is open all weird, and then it just becomes caricature-like, instead of creepy.

Second, I wasn't sure what the thing was with grip. You talk about having something in his grip, then Grip as a proper noun, then grip as some kind of creature. That was really confusing.

Overall, though, I applaud you for doing some flash fiction. That's a really good way to hone your skills, and some people can't write snippets like that. Bravo