Destined to be

Shining from the crowd
I am destined to be,
hopefully one day;
people will see.

I'm not an ordinary person
you could tell if we spoke,
but you don't have that chance,
you think i'm a joke.

Here's what I have to say:

"Shining from the crowd"
"from" seems a little dodgy. Would it be better to use shining "in the crowd", you stand apart from the crowd, you shine amongst/in something. But I am not too sure about this.

I wish you used images, or metaphors to express, if not expand, your idea. Idea-wise the poem is pretty good and simple but sweet.

There's a brilliant poem in Bengali with a similar theme, but the poet tells it from the persona of a matchstick. You know, the immense potential hidden in such a tiny object. I wish the translation were available online. I think you'd like it.

COMPLETELY RELATE TO THIS.

writingaway wrote:Shining from the crowd You might want to put a comma here.
I am destined to be, Replace the comma here with a period.
hopefully one day; No punctuation at the end of this one. "Hopefully one day people will see" is a full sentence.
people will see. The period here is fine as long as you take out the semi-colon above.

I'm not an ordinary person comma or semi-colon here.
you could tell if we spoke, Period
but you don't have that chance, Semi-colon might work best here so that the full two verses will read as one sentence. "But you don't have that chance; you think I'm a joke.
you think i'm a joke.

The content of the poem was great, well written, and I can completely relate. It's just the cosmetics that need to be altered. Also, I know some writers choose not to capitalize but I think it might be best for you to capitalize in this case. It will make it look better.

Pm with any questions and good job!

Veritas

Hey, there! Glim here to review!

So, you have a great poem here! It's quite short, but you wrap up your thoughts nicely in two quatrains, so kudos for that. I liked the simple rhyme scheme that you follow through on: it keeps the poem moving and it doesn't detract from the piece itself. I just noticed a couple grammar and convention mistakes. Take the first stanza, for instance:

writingaway wrote:Shining from the crowd
I am destined to be,
hopefully one day;
people will see.

I would write it more like this:

writingaway wrote:Shining from the crowd,
I am destined to be;
hopefully one day
people will see.

Putting a semicolon there as opposed to after "day" is more grammatically correct and also makes more sense - to me at least. In this stanza, I also was a bit confused when you said "I am destined to be"...What exactly? The wording almost makes it sounds likes she is going to be the crowd or something, though I knew that wasn't right. Maybe you could reword that first stanza just a bit so that the reader understands what she is going to become a little more.

Okay, on with!

Second stanza:

writingaway wrote:I'm not an ordinary person
you could tell if we spoke,
but you don't have that chance,
you think i'm a joke.

I would just change a couple things:

writingaway wrote:I'm not an ordinary person:
you could tell if we spoke,
but you don't have that chance,
you think I'm a joke.

So just a couple little conventional things in this one. I liked this stanza especially because it did a nice job wrapping up your poem and completing the meaning. Overall, I really enjoyed your piece: it's light but very poignant, and even through simple imagery, conveys the narrator's feelings immensely well. If you had any interest in seriously revising it, I would suggest using a central metaphor to describe the situation in way that is more lyrical and could change the way the reader read the poem. This would just help to enforce a more potent meaning, and show what you're trying to say as opposed to telling it. But anyway, beautiful work! I enjoyed reading and reviewing this!

Keep writing,

~Glim

OK, to me, it seems cute, and I like that it's short and tidy, and all, but what is the BASIS of it? What ARE you if you're not ordinary? What are you 'destined' to BE? What could I 'tell' if we spoke? That you're not ordinary? But...I still don't know WHY you're not ordinary!! You get what I mean? Pretty much this is just an...outline. It's not giving me the actual point. There's no actual story.

It's just like a skim of what the real inner base of the poem is, and without having a strong base it just feels lacking. All the ideas are grafted around a point, but the point isn't even there, so it just leaves the reader (at least I think,) wondering, slightly confused, and almost irritated because the questions this arouse are unanswered. All of them.

It's OK to have parts of a poem abstract, but if the whole poem is abstract it isn't very well written. You want to leave some things to the imagination, to provoke thoughts and ideas, but not all of it.

Hope this makes sense and wasn't too harsh! Good luck!

Loved this!! I feel the exact same way, I have always wanted to do something great, be great. It was lovely but maybe you could make it a little longer, elaborate, I would love to understand why people think you are a joke more. Other than that. Awesome!