The Postman

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I rounded the corner, back to the block with the chipped white houses and weed-patched lawns. The doors were all closed, and the sealed shutters pushed visitors away like the plague. I never had mail to deliver to this place, but it was always the last stop on my rounds.
On the porch of the very last house, a spindly boy sat with his head in one hand; the other hand scrawled pictures into the dirt path with a stick. Anyone would have guessed that he was three years younger than he was, just as they’d say he needed to eat three times more than he did. His overalls were torn, and the denim was no longer a pure tone of blue.
I waved. “Hiya, Aiden.”
The child lit up and ran to grab my hand. As always, he led me to his crooked tree house, precariously perched in a gnarly oak.
“Weather’s been kind today, huh?” I said. He nodded curtly, the only type of communication he ever offered other than insistent gestures. I looked up at the stale sky. The orange underbellies of clouds had a chalky texture, almost like shredded sackcloth.
Aiden was already setting up our writing stations when I climbed into his little wooden fortress. He didn’t usually take time for written conversations with me; he got right down to business. To him, the letters he sent out were as urgent as coded war messages. I glanced at his page as I sat down, already filled a fourth of the way with his big, jerky letters.
I felt around my shirt pocket, but it only held a few stray lint balls. “I seem to have forgotten my pencil today, Aiden. I don’t suppose…”
Without parting an eye from his page, the boy handed me one of the half-sharpened pencils from his box.
“There we go.”
I started by doodling a pattern in one corner of the page. Sometimes I thought of a letter I wanted to write to someone, and I thought long and hard about what I should say. In the end, those letters were only ever read by the inside of my mailbag, though I did consider actually sending them once or twice. But Aiden always sent his letters. Even when he knew they’d probably meet the same fate as mine, he put his whole heart into those words. And he counted on me to try my absolute best to deliver them. I always did. It felt like an awfully important job, to have the weight of a boy’s whole world in my old, tattered mailbag.
He finished his letter with a quickly scrawled closing. I got the impression that he’d practiced his name quite a bit, as his signatures were always visibly neater than the rest of his words.
He held out his letter insistently, but didn’t move to start a new one.
“Is that it for today?” I asked. He nodded.
“Must be important, then. Who’s it to? Let’s see…” I studied the salutation at the top. Usually the recipient was someone like Santa Claus or the “King” of Africa. That day, however, it was simply addressed to his schoolteacher.
“Ms. Collay, huh? Just keeping it simple today?” I said.
Aiden formed a reply on another piece of paper. There’s a boy in my class named Ronny, he wrote, and he still doesn’t know how to read. But I think it’s because he doesn’t like the things we’re reading. So I’m going to tell Ms. Collay to teach him with things he would maybe like to read. I think Ronny is really smart, and he can be important when he grows up. I think I can help like this – in a small way. Ronny is like me, and if I help him and other people like this, maybe there won’t be as many kids like me in a few years.
I smiled and nodded back at those big, sincere eyes. It had always seemed like Aiden had a pretty good handle on things. It could have been because his intentions were so good, so straight-forward, that he saw things the way they were clearer than most people saw their own lives.
I folded the letter and placed it carefully into my bag. “Don’t you worry, Aiden. I’ll make sure this one gets to your teacher. It’ll be my first stop tomorrow.”
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to. -Bilbo Baggins




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hello! :D
what a sweet little story! I mean little in the literal sense, and definitely not in the condescending sense, because absolutely no condescension is required. This was smart, well thought out, well executed, well characterised. All the things I like in the written word, so I have no complaints. None. Whatsoever. Only helpful pointers :D

I never had mail to deliver to this place, but it was always the last stop on my rounds.
On the porch of the very last house, a spindly boy sat with his head in one hand;

I'm not quite sure why, but something about your opening here confused me a bit. I think it's because you go from "it was always the last stop on my rounds" directly to "On the porch of the very last house". Is it the last one on the round, or the last house? I think that the second "of the very last house" isn't something you need here. Maybe put in something like:
"... but it was always the last stop on my rounds.
On the porch, a spindly boy sat" or "A spindly boy sat on its porch, his head in one hand".

The child lit up and ran to grab my hand.

First time I read this, I thought you meant he lit up a cigarette :P maybe put in "The child's face lit up"... just to be completely clear xD

Aiden formed a reply on another piece of paper. There’s a boy in my class named Ronny, he wrote, and he still doesn’t know how to read. But I think it’s because he doesn’t like the things we’re reading. So I’m going to tell Ms. Collay to teach him with things he would maybe like to read. I think Ronny is really smart, and he can be important when he grows up. I think I can help like this – in a small way. Ronny is like me, and if I help him and other people like this, maybe there won’t be as many kids like me in a few years.

I'd put what he writes in italics, so it stands out. It already does, but this way it would be suggesting even more that this is how he speaks to the world...

Notice how I haven't pulled out a typo or a misused apostrophe or a split infinitive or bad punctuation? Yeah, that's because there were none. None. therefore me = happy bunny ... really lovely piece :D

~*cottonrulz*~
Here's a story of a brother by the name of Othello,
He liked white women and he liked - green jello... - Reduced Shakespeare Company




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Jojo!

Ah, I loved this - such a genuine, heartfelt story. I'm very glad you wrote it. I really like the way you told the story - there's just the perfect amount of everything and your text flows as well as milk and honey. It's a real pleasure to read something like that.


On the porch of the very last house, a spindly boy sat with his head in one hand


You must mean that he is leaning his head on his other hand. The way you worded this, though, makes it sound like his head is off his shoulders, and he's holding it like a ball. Not the most charming image!


Anyone would have guessed that he was three years younger than he was, just as they’d say he needed to eat three times more than he did.


So he's small for his age. I like the way you said it, but it stood out to me that "anyone would have guessed that he was THREE years younger". Even though everyone could see that he isn't as young as he looks, I don't think everyone would guess exactly "three" years. Therefore I suggest you just say "years" or "a lot".


The child lit up


Haha, this made me think of a candle. I think Lillie's (Cottonrulz) suggestion about the "face" is good.


I also agree with her on that you should probably italicise the boy's letter.


I think I can help like this – in a small way. Ronny is like me, and if I help him and other people like this, maybe there won’t be as many kids like me in a few years.


This part of the letter didn't seem as believable as the rest. It strikes me as odd that a child would think something like that, especially the "in a few years" part.


As I said, though, I really really liked this - one of the best things I've read on here in a while! The title was interesting, the characters were interesting, there was a great balance of dialogue and narration / short and long paragraphs, and the thing overall wasn't too long. It's really annoying to see those stories of 3,000 words divided in huge chunks of paragraphs.

Well done!


Demeter
x
"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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This is an interesting story, in that it's very straight forward, and I think the beginning of your plot is very strong.

I rounded the corner, back to the block with the chipped white houses and weed-patched lawns. The doors were all closed, and the sealed shutters pushed visitors away like the plague. I never had mail to deliver to this place, but it was always the last stop on my rounds.


You're mixing metaphors here, with "like the plague." It's too much of a stretch, and it ruins the otherwise solid imagery that you have in this paragraph.

On the porch of the very last house, a spindly boy sat with his head in one hand; the other hand scrawled pictures into the dirt path with a stick. Anyone would have guessed that he was three years younger than he was, just as they’d say he needed to eat three times more than he did. His overalls were torn, and the denim was no longer a pure tone of blue.

I waved. “Hiya, Aiden.”

The child lit up and ran to grab my hand. As always, he led me to his crooked tree house, precariously perched in a gnarly oak.

“Weather’s been kind today, huh?” I said. He nodded curtly, the only type of communication he ever offered other than insistent gestures. I looked up at the stale sky. The orange underbellies of clouds had a chalky texture, almost like shredded sackcloth.

Aiden was already setting up our writing stations when I climbed into his little wooden fortress. He didn’t usually take time for written conversations with me; he got right down to business. To him, the letters he sent out were as urgent as coded war messages. I glanced at his page as I sat down, already filled a fourth of the way with his big, jerky letters.

I felt around my shirt pocket, but it only held a few stray lint balls. “I seem to have forgotten my pencil today, Aiden. I don’t suppose…”

Without parting an eye from his page, the boy handed me one of the half-sharpened pencils from his box.

“There we go.”

I started by doodling a pattern in one corner of the page. Sometimes I thought of a letter I wanted to write to someone, and I thought long and hard about what I should say. In the end, those letters were only ever read by the inside of my mailbag, though I did consider actually sending them once or twice. But Aiden always sent his letters. Even when he knew they’d probably meet the same fate as mine, he put his whole heart into those words. And he counted on me to try my absolute best to deliver them. I always did. It felt like an awfully important job, to have the weight of a boy’s whole world in my old, tattered mailbag.


I think it's odd that you don't go into this more in depth. You have kept it so vague that you've inadvertently made it seem cliche (although it isn't). Why aren't the author's letters delivered? Why does she feel the need to write them at all? The little boy's motivation is clear, given his condition, but hers is not.

He finished his letter with a quickly scrawled closing. I got the impression that he’d practiced his name quite a bit, as his signatures were always visibly neater than the rest of his words.

He held out his letter insistently, but didn’t move to start a new one.

“Is that it for today?” I asked. He nodded.

“Must be important, then. Who’s it to? Let’s see…” I studied the salutation at the top. Usually the recipient was someone like Santa Claus or the “King” of Africa. That day, however, it was simply addressed to his schoolteacher.

“Ms. Collay, huh? Just keeping it simple today?” I said.

Aiden formed a reply on another piece of paper. There’s a boy in my class named Ronny, he wrote, and he still doesn’t know how to read. But I think it’s because he doesn’t like the things we’re reading. So I’m going to tell Ms. Collay to teach him with things he would maybe like to read. I think Ronny is really smart, and he can be important when he grows up. I think I can help like this – in a small way. Ronny is like me, and if I help him and other people like this, maybe there won’t be as many kids like me in a few years.


You have impressed upon the reader that the little boy is very young. This letter is uncharacteristically sophisticated for a mute (developmentally delayed?) child, who is still writing letters to largely mythical figures and distant authorities.

I also feel like--because this story is so short--we are really thrown off-balance by this whole concept. We don't feel like we know this little boy at all, an so a letter like this can't make the impression that you are trying to make. Instead of being moved, we are simply struggling to readjust our perception of this character (and failing).

I smiled and nodded back at those big, sincere eyes. It had always seemed like Aiden had a pretty good handle on things. It could have been because his intentions were so good, so straight-forward, that he saw things the way they were clearer than most people saw their own lives.

I folded the letter and placed it carefully into my bag. “Don’t you worry, Aiden. I’ll make sure this one gets to your teacher. It’ll be my first stop tomorrow.”


I don't think I dislike this story, but I get the distinct feeling that it is lacking something important. It doesn't feel compelling. It's well-written, don't get me wrong. You have a skill with prose. But I feel like this story lacks the real emotional tug that it needs to have.

Nice work!
Данијела (Dani)



No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne