The Real Me

Before I begin, I just want to make a statement. Recently, I've come to a conclusion. I'm not a poet, I never was. Every poem I have ever made was a failed attempt at saying something I feel I should have said long ago. This is just being said straight out of the heart; me coming true.


I am negative, unhappy, empty and unseen
My mind and my heart are as hallow as my dreams
My words are fake, they are never as they seem
They were pigments of my mind that I called poetry

Rhythym, Rhyme, and Literary Device
Was what I added, to make them nice
Lyrical, Free-Verse, Spoken Word, Drama?
My mind was never classified - it made its own genre

All of my work was just one big troll
My life is a drama and I've played my role
I've tried to make all of my poems dull and sappy
But I just used it as an excuse to be unhappy

My problem is that I'm extremely depressed
Under so much pressure, and horribly stressed
So I tried to bundle up all the hard feelings that I had
Put them in poem, and make everyone sad

I would leave if I could, to just dissapear
For no one to miss me, for no one to care
But I realize people do, by the emotions they portray
So I have to find time to force myself to stay

Why am I depressed? I don't really know
But nothing last forever, so until then, I'll let the happiness show
I'm down right now, but I'll be up in a while
Because I might frown once a week, but every day I smile

The Blood that I speak, the words that I shed
The gore I've recited, the novels I've bled
The harm that I've done to good one inside
Was all because I wanted to hide

I am positive, cheerful, handsome and keen.
My mind and my heart are as open as my dreams.
My words are the truth, but from I make them seem
Because I'm scared of what would happen if I show the real me.

I absolutly HATE being critical. Especially of written work because I know how it hurts. But I do have a thing or two to say, if I may. (hey, that rhymed!)
First off, Naming a poem "The real me" doesn't nessecarilly attract readers. People don't usually want to read things that are strictly about the author. And the word "the" doesn't always make a good title word.
Also (this might be just me, but), I think your too straight-forward. You say things in a very non-flowy, just sortof; stating-facts way.
Here to help-
~Hopeispeace

I, unfortunately, have you agree strongly with hopeispeace. Readers don't generally want to read about you. (As mean as hat sounds). And If you must write about you, turn you into a character and write about the character. And then the writing itself is really straight-forward. I almost got the feeling it was one of those first-day-of-school "All About Me" projects. The rhyme was really stressed and forced. There's potential for this piece but it's not really showing through on the first try.

Pm if with questions or if you want help.

Veritas

I agree somewhat with what Veritas and hopeispeace said, because they are right to an extent. However, I did quite like this actually. As was written in the poem, Tariq did write what I feel can be seen as a different or new 'genre' of poetry. Everyone knows poetry is usually written with forms of imagery and metaphor, with little being said in the same matter-of-fact was as this poem. The way it's written, in this factual way, is something unconventional as it's not often done, and I like that. He has matched the style of poetry to what the poem is actually about: a part of himself that is 'new' to others, that he is opening up and displaying to others. The combination of the two is quite a promising idea, and with some work, I think it can be successful.

As the reviewers before me have noted, the rhyme scheme does seem a bit forced and at some points it reads as if you have altered the way the poem should be because you want it to fit the rhyme scheme. 'Troll' and 'role' / 'dreams' and 'seems' stuck out to me in the poem as forced. To be honest, I don't think that this necessarily needs a rhyme scheme and could work with either a partial rhyme scheme, something less strict or no deliberate rhyme scheme at all. You could edit out some of the words or change them to make it flow better, as the rhyme scheme seems to restrict the connection between the factual style and the word choice because it is only limiting you to words that rhyme or half rhyme; and I think having a direct style of poetry that flows in a way that is not restricted by the typical style of rhyming would suit this piece better.

Concerning the word choice, I love the use of blood and gore imagery in the seventh stanza as it relates really well to the topic of the poem, which is the poet, and so gives a more human feel and compliments the focus of the emotions of the human poet effectively. My favourite part was...

The Blood that I speak, the words that I shed
The gore I've recited, the novels I've bled

as this is a part where the rhyme does not seemed forced, and the idea of the poet slaving over his work with reference to pain and suffering supports the overall theme of Tariq 'coming clean', if you will, about his work and how it makes him feel.

I apologise for the long review (you have the pleasure of being my first), but I wasn't sure how much I should comment on, as I'm new to this. I did enjoy this poem quite a bit, and with a few tweaks it could be very good. Good luck with your work, I hope to see an even better version of this poem up on the site soon!