Slip 'N Slide

I watch the raindrops on the window
Bursting into action when they hit the transparent surface
Starting to curl their way down the pane
Choosing the life they will lead
Most follow the others
Chasing their peers on the path that they paved
Following the rest
Using the ideas thought of before them
But occansionally
One will break the sequence
And pick a different route
Moving slower, the process more difficult
Sometimes they fall off when the wind comes
Dropping to the ground in a silent explosion
But those who do make it to the edge of the window
Start a new revolution
And others follow in their place
The first winding journey made easier with each traveler
And sometimes I wonder
If all of us could be those brave little raindrops,
How many paths would there be on the glass of the world?

I love the poem. Inspiring. The only thing is, you spelled occasionally wrong. Other than that, I love it.

This was nice. I could say something about punctuation, but I'm sure you can work it out for yourself, so I won't.

Raindrops on the window pane is a pretty common theme in songs and poems. Google it and see how many you find. So what I really wanted to see here was something different, something unique. If you're going to pick a topic that's already been done to death, one of two things will happen: 1. You'll write a mediocre, cliche piece, and everyone will think "Yep, I've seen this a hundred times", or 2. You'll write a brilliantly clever, insightful, meaningful piece, and everyone will think "Wow I never thought of it that way". So essentially, it'll be awesome or mediocre. I'm sorry to say, but your piece wasn't awesome. That's not to say it's totally terrible - it isn't. You had some good, clever observations, but I don't think you really broke any new ground - everything you said has been said a hundred times before.

The last three lines are a clever little spin. However, I think you communicated your message too obviously. I would like to see more indirect references, more subtle allusion than what you have here. Make your piece a puzzle, and force your audience to work it out. Don't worry if they don't get it, it's their loss.

Finally, I'm not a fan of the title. It seems like you've just looked up 'watery' in a thesaurus and gone with the first thing you've found. 'Aquatic' has connotations of being in water, like a lake or ocean. I would suggest you change the title to 'Pioneers'. If your reader cracks the puzzle you create, they'll realise the title refers not only to the raindrops, but also to the people you're comparing them to. A clever double entendre always makes me smile.

K.

Hello cammie,

I can find some obvious punctuation issues with this but I'm sure if you spend a little time looking over this and doing a few more editing checks than you will suss that out for yourself. Anyway this is really good and I loved reading this, there was a lot of thought and detail put into this and you conveyed the message successfully, this was a poem I really enjoyed reading and you have done a good job on this.

My favorite part was the first couple of lines simply because you have put a lot of time and effort into those using a wide vocabulary and good grammar. After that it gets a little more rushed and the imagery goes downhill, the description goes downhill, the grammar goes downhill and the general quality goes downhill. I'm not saying the writing is bad, the writing was actually fantastic, I'm just saying that comparing the first part to the second part I can see a difference in the quality.

I like how this is layed out. It's really tidy and the lines are all about the same length. The next step would be splitting it up even more into stanzas. But that's your choice, this poem might actually be fine without it, just a suggestion... Anyway this is really good and I like this a lot, please keep me informed whenever you post anymore poetry!

From CuteJackRussell

Hi cammie!

First of all, I'll say that I liked the topic of the poem and the speculation that's presented in it. The analogy in the story between the human and the rain drops is really, really cool. I liked that part.

Although the words you used struck me as a bit simple and plain. I think that you can make the piece more elaborate and elegant if you used a different wording. I's recommend you to use more uncommon words, as they tend to add a bit mroe depth behind the poem. Especially with your topic, how you've given such a tiny thing a big meaning, I think that you can extend the depth of the story by using other words. The word choice at the moment, strikes me as a bit simple.

Another thing I wanted to talk about was the title. When I first read it I thought the poem was going to be about fish or something like that. It reminded me of this big aquarium. Not only that, I don't really think it fits with the poem. With your poem, I think that something more deep and meaningful will fit it better than what you have right now.

Wow! A very interesting poem. I love how you summed it up with a question. All your poems flow so wonderfully and are so easy to read and understand. Thats what makes me like them so much. Its really interesting how you talked about a raindrop, making an example before you moved on to using it in reality. Very interesting. Overally, I liked it and have nothing to moan and groan about it. I'm not going to say keep writing because I know (hopefully I'm right) you will!

Deanie x