Demons ~ Ch.1

I was raised to be a top-dog.

I was raised to be the best of my kind.

But... I didn’t want to be what I was ‘fated’ for.

I sighed, staring at the rumbling Galtic ocean view from the lovely patch of rugged rocks outside of my sea-side home in Laverly, a quaint village in the Underworld. A small rustle in the bushes caught my eye. I whipped to my left just to see Cassandra slamming into me as I fell from the rock, tumbling into the sloshing blue waves.

“Don’t do that!” I yelped to her as she gave me a light kiss on the lips.

I spat into the ocean, splashing water into my face. Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips clamped together.

“Maggie, you know we are destined to be together!” She yelped. Her crimson red skin stood out against the gentle hues of light blue and sand-tan below and the intense greens of the lush forest. Her torn up, black, bat-like wings extended gracefully into the scene as well. Her skin and wings were the only things about her that seemed not human. She was down her curves a mimic of any normal fifteen year old human, including the shoulder-length, frilly black hair a prissy, popular girl would have and huge, innocent sky-blue eyes to finish it off.

“No, we are not. We were told to be together, and I will not take orders from anyone about that. And don’t call me Maggie! My name is Magnus.” I hissed to her, looking into the ocean. For a second I could see my trembling reflection. My own brown eyes and wild, sort of naturally spiked black hair. I was like her, with the wings and the skin tone. All of us demons were.
“Yes, I’ll admit we’re good partners at work. But more than that? No. I won’t even think of someone as a… a mate until I’m a five centuries old, thank you very much.” I replied. “And I’m not even half of a century.”

She groaned. “Relax, would you? You’re so into your maps and your work. It wouldn’t kill you to have a social life.”

“Cassandra, I have the most important job in the entire underworld. I was chosen by Hades to kill the head angel and I’m not about to let anything get in the way.” I groaned. As if we hadn’t had this discussion hundreds of times.

“Yea, but you got to let go a bit!” She paused. “Fine. I came to tell you that Hades was asking for you, anyways.” With a tad of reluctance, she ran on the shore and let her wings catch the breeze, flying off.

I sighed again, looking down at my map another time. It was a detailed physical map of California, USA that I had ransacked in red sharpie with any possible areas suitable for angels to live- with the hot spot being Los Angelus. Many people, plenty of activities and a warm climate- perfect for any Angel. Maybe that’s why they call it Los Angelus.

I looked up from my map and glanced at Cassandra’s fading figure. I got up and quickly followed after her.




(This is the only breaking point for a while, sorry it's short!!!)

Hey there, here to review. This is an interesting concept, and written very well. You have incredible prowess for someone your age.

I sighed, staring at the rumbling Galtic ocean view from the lovely patch of rugged rocks outside of my sea-side home in Laverly, a quaint village in the Underworld. [This line somewhat long, but I love the idea that the Underworld would have a 'quaint village.']

“Maggie, you know we are destined to be together!” She yelped. [To avoid repetition, consider substituting another word for 'yelped.']

Her crimson red skin stood out against the gentle hues of light blue and sand-tan below and the intense greens of the lush forest. [This might just be me, but I'm not getting a clear picture of this. Is it mottled and random, like an abstract painting? Is there a pattern? Are there certain colors on certain parts of the body?]

She was[,] down to her curves[,] a mimic of any normal fifteen[-]year[-]old human, including the frilly, shoulder-length, frilly black hair in the prissy style a popular girl would have[,] and huge, innocent[,] sky-blue eyes to finish it off. [Again, this is a rather long and cumbersome sentence. Consider breaking it up. I reworded it, just as a suggestion. Feel free to ignore it.]

And don’t call me Maggie! My name is Magnus.[This should be a comma, because it isn't a full stop. If this were in third person, it would be 'My name is Magnus,' he whispered. I hope that makes sense...]” I hissed to her, looking into the ocean. For a second I could see my trembling reflection. My own brown eyes and wild, sort of naturally spiked black hair. I was like her, with the wings and the skin tone. All of us demons were. [I'm not entirely sure whether or not Magnus is a male. If he is, consider mentioning something to the effect that he doesn't like being called a girl's name.]

I sighed again, looking down at my map another time. [Might want to make some mention of them actually getting out of the water. I thought they were still sloshing around in the ocean, and it made me wonder what the heck he was doing looking at a map.]

with the hot spot being Los Angelus. [It's Los Angeles.]

I really liked this, and I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with it. Let me know when you post the next chapter!

Hello, I'm Jojo and I shall be your reviewer for today!
Grammar is in red.
Other are in blue.

MilkNCookies wrote:I was raised to be a top-dog.

I was raised to be the best of my kind.

But... I didn’t want to be what I was ‘fated’ 'raised' for.

--You use "raised' twice. Then you say "fated" in quotes. it doesn't really need to be used at all. I would suggest that you use "raised' again for dramatic affect for something. it flows and makes the whole idea that you were "raised" for greatness seem cliche.. which is, if I am correct, what you are aiming for..---

Below is a run-on sentence. I am just about to give you suggestions on what you can cut out in order to make it shorter, but still get the point across.
I sighed, staring at the rumbling Galtic ocean view from the lovely patch of rugged rocks outside of my sea-side home in Laverly, a quaint village in the Underworld ( you can now make another sentence describer in more detail, Laverly- instead of trying to cram it into one general idea.. A small rustle in the bushes caught my eye. I whipped to my left just to see Cassandra slamming into me as I fell from the rock, tumbling into the sloshing blue waves.

“Don’t do that!” I yelped to her as she gave me a light kiss on the lips.

--That's isn't how I would expect someone to really react.., truthfully. I'd be pretty annoyed, ticked off, and embarrassed even if my significant other was the perpetrator. Maybe you could add a little more emotional/angry dialogue here...--

I spat into the ocean, splashing water into my face. Her eyebrows furrowed and her lips clamped together.

“Maggie, you know we are destined to be together!” She yelped. Her crimson red skin stood out against the gentle hues of light blue and sand-tan below and the intense greens of the lush forest. ( run-on, try to cut out some stuff or make it 2 sentences..) Her torn up, black, bat-like wings extended gracefully into the scene as well. Her skin and wings were the only things about her that seemed not human weren't human/were abnormal. She was down her curves a mimic of any normal fifteen year old human, including the shoulder-length, frilly black hair a prissy, popular girl would have and huge, innocent sky-blue eyes to finish it off.

“No, we are not. We were told to be together, and I will not take orders from anyone about that. And don’t call me Maggie! My name is Magnus.” I hissed to her, looking into the ocean. For a second I could see my trembling reflection. My own brown eyes and wild, sort of naturally spiked black hair. I was like her, with the wings and the skin tone. All of us demons were.
“Yes, I’ll admit we’re good partners at work. But more than that? No. I won’t even think of someone as a… a mate until I’m a five centuries old, thank you very much.” I replied. “And I’m not even half of a century.”

-slow down lol. You're using dialogue as a gateway to expose too much.-

She groaned. “Relax, would you? You’re so into your maps and your work. It wouldn’t kill you to have a social life.”

“Cassandra, I have the most important job in the entire underworld. I was chosen by Hades to kill the head angel and I’m not about to let anything get in the way.” I groaned. As if we hadn’t had this discussion hundreds of times.

> Insert something that isn't dialogue here with more detail on how, when why, and who gave you the responsibility...<

“Yeah, but you got to let go a bit!” She paused. “Fine. I came to tell you that Hades was asking for you, anyways.” With a tad of reluctance, she ran on the shore and let her wings catch the breeze, flying off.

I sighed again, looking down at my map another time. It was a detailed physical map of California, USA that I had ransacked in red sharpie with any possible areas suitable for angels to live- with the hot spot being Los Angelus L.A. ( you soon call Los Angelus by it's full name. Saying it here would just seem redundant later.). Many people, plenty of activities and a warm climate- perfect for any Angel. Maybe that’s why they call it Los Angelus.

I looked up from my map and glanced at Cassandra’s fading figure. I got up and quickly followed after her.




(This is the only breaking point for a while, sorry it's short!!!)

Overall:
You have an interesting sort of borderline Percy-Jackson-like story them going on here. It's nice.
Just be a little careful with the execution. Give each character an individuality and introduce that at the beginning of the story. Each character deserves a voice and a distinct personality that makes them special and vital to the story.
Try not to reveal too much of the important stuff through dialogue. It can be missed by the reader.
I like the relationship that the main character seems to be avoiding with that girly girl over there, it adds tension and stuff. Nice.

Well, nice job, just tweak a few areas and keep writing!.
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-Jojo