Honor's Gauntlet (2.1)

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Author's Note:
Spoiler
This here is the first half to the second chapter of Honor's Gauntlet, a fantasy novel of yet undetermined size and scope. The first chapter is accessible through the link at the top of the page. Now, as for the undetermined size and scope part, I don't outline and I don't plan ahead, and thus my stories sort of change as needed. Thus, if you're reading, don't always expect full coherency and fluidness. This is a rough draft. And because it's a rough draft, while I appreciate any comment you may have, general stuff on the story and the like is more helpful than that missing comma in X paragraph. Danke sehr, and merci for reading :D


2

When an imperial carriage turned onto the street midway through breakfast, Nyoska Glarvok dropped her full spoon into her porridge bowl. Bits and flecks of millet splopped out onto her hands and into her hair, earning her a rebuke from her mother. The younger of her two older sisters scoffed. Since her elder older sister was gone and her father was engrossed in his newspaper, neither of them said anything.

Usually, under such a look as the one her mother and sister were now giving her, Nyoska would apologize instantly and wipe the porridge from her face, but today the comments floated by her barely noticed. In all the years of her life, which numbered eight as of a few days prior, she had never seen such a sight as the one coming toward her over the cobbles. White and trimmed with gold, pulled by six gray horses, it glistened in the morning sun like the small piles of fresh snow on the ground.

Her breath and her thoughts left her. With one eye on the approaching carriage and one eye on her mother across from her, she asked, "May I be excused?" It came out as a hushed whisper.

She got no response. Her mother and sister, who had their backs to the carriage, were talking fabrics and her father's attention was rapt on the newspaper. Her elder older sister, who by virtue of sitting directly across from her usually heard her and got her father or mother's attention, was of course not there.

Her heart drumming inside her in rapid, soft beats, Nyoska stared through the gap between her mother and sister. The carriage was now turning the slight bend in the street at Master Krodoviz's violin shop not fifty yards away. Before long, it would pass right under the balcony right where she and most of the rest of her family were having breakfast.

When the carriage reached Master Dnevok's toyshop, Nyoska made a decision. She slipped out of her chair as quietly as she could—which was nearly inaudibly—and passed by her sister unnoticed on her way to the balcony rail. While she had never understood why her father insisted on dining on the balcony even on crisply cold mornings such as this one, today she was thankful. With her chin on the freezing ironwork, she watched the carriage come closer and closer. The clop of horse hooves grew louder.

The sound was far from new to her. In an hour or so, carriages would pass by every few minutes. Sometimes, she would watch from behind the curtains in the windows as three carriages tried to negotiate a street wide enough for just two. And as for pretty things, Nyoska had plenty of those. Her room had pretty dolls and pretty paintings and pretty books, and pretty shoes were a given when your father was a shoemaker. But nothing compared to the synced clops of the six horses. Nothing compared to the sparkling, glistening, gold-trimmed carriage moving slowly and smoothly down the road.

When it reached the shops and homes of her immediate neighbors, the driver looked up at her. He was also dressed in white and trimmed with gold. Instantly, Nyoska hid the lower part of her face behind the rail, but the man waved at her. After many moments, she slowly unclenched her hand from the railing and raised it tentatively to wave back, but by then the carriage had reached the balcony and the driver was out of sight.

She ran to the other side of the balcony to watch it go by. "Mama, it's an imperial carriage," Nyoska said. In her head the words rang as clearly as her elder older sister Seosnya's did, but the whisper it came out as was quickly overtaken by a sharp inhale from Evkta behind her.

I saw it first, Nyoska thought, but she said nothing. She put her chin back on the rail and watched the carriage move on, transfixed. When it stopped a dozen yards away in a jingle of harnesses, so close she could see the door handle, she curled her fingers even tighter around the railing. Her breath went out of her in a rush.

Behind her, her parents and sister were making a hushed commotion, but Nyoska only had eyes for the man in gold-trimmed white walking up the steps not to the door of her father’s adjacent shop but to the door of the house proper. He pulled the cord that struck the gong, and the reverberating tones echoed up through the house and through the open doors to where she stood. Her eyes went even wider, and she must have made some noise, because the driver suddenly looked up at her. He took the cap from his head, and, smiling with teeth as white as his suit and the carriage and the snow, he bowed.

When Nyoska realized that her sister had long since left the balcony, that that bow was just for her, she smiled back at him and gave him the wave she had been too slow with before. Then the door opened and the man turned his attention to her father. Since she couldn't hear what they were saying, she looked back at the carriage.

A footman she hadn't seen was at the carriage door, opening it. And because somehow it hadn't occurred to her that someone might be inside it, she crouched down and watched from between the iron bars as the driver left the doorway of her house for the carriage steps. He extended a hand and a hand from the carriage's interior took it. With her breath sucked in and her face pressed against the bars, Nyoska watched the hand become a braceleted arm in a bright green sleeve, and the arm turn into a young woman dressed all in that bright green. When that young woman stepped to the ground and then, of all things, looked in her direction, it was too much for Nyoska to bear. She stumbled to her feet and ran inside the house.

The warmth calmed her as she moved away from the open balcony doors and into the recesses of her family's sitting room. Still, she went right for her father's armchair and jumped onto it. She pulled her legs underneath her and burrowed into the cushions.

But before too long, she remembered that the window the chair was backed up against looked out over the street. She could watch from there, unnoticed.

Slowly, Nyoska pushed herself to her knees. Looking out over the backrest, with her hands gripping the wooden edge, she caught a glimpse of the carriage's roof, but nothing more.

With a sighi, Nyoska dropped back down into the chair. Sitting on her ankles, she glared at the buttons binding the chairs padding. She wanted to pluck them out, one by one, but then she saw her father's face, heard the "Oh, Nyoska" that he said whenever she disappointed him. She started to cry instead.

All I wanted was to see the carriage, she thought as she scooted off the chair and shuffled out of the sitting room for her bedroom. Why couldn't have the carriage just kept going?

Voices stopped her in the hallway. They were drifting up from downstairs. Not loud, just clear. "Would Your Majesty like something for refreshment?" her father said.

"Some tea, please," a voice she didn't know responded. "No milk or sugar, please."

How someone could drink tea without milk or sugar, Nyoska didn't know. She passed by her room and tiptoed toward the staircase and gallery. When she got there, she dropped down and inched forward on all fours.

“It’ll be just a minute or two,” her mother’s voice said. “Evkta, would you help me?”

Nyoska came to a stop behind the banister pillar. From here, she could see the entire entry room below. She wrapped her fingers around the wood and looked out in time to see her sister follow her mother out through the door that led to the kitchens.

She caught bright green out of the corner of her gaze and moved only her eyes to look. There, on the armchair right by the door, was the young woman from the carriage. Her hair was wavy and black and undone, swept to one side of her so that it draped over one shoulder and down. Her clothing, Nyoska realized, was not all green after all, but covered with a layer of sparkling, sheer copper fabric. Strips of the same copper fabric wound through her hair, all the way up to a small, square black hat off-centered on her head. Another piece swept diagonally over her face, covering one eye like a veil.

She had a box on her lap, and her hands rested on top of it.

“You’re always so kind, Master Glarvok,” said this young woman in green to Nyoska’s father, who stood several steps way. Her voice bounded from one word to the next, light as evening crickets.

Her father bowed slightly. “It’s always a pleasure to serve you, Your Majesty.”

That was when Nyoska realized—after too long—that this young woman in her entry room was the imperial princess of the entire empire. As much as she possibly could, she scrunched her body up behind the mainstay.

The princess smiled a bright, wide smile at her father. “And always gracious as well, Master Glarvok.”

She paused and her head titled to one side in a way that made the copper gossamer glitter in the light from the windows. “Much too gracious to ask what I’m doing here so early, when I usually don’t disturb you until after breakfast and you usually come to me instead of I to you.”

“Your Majesty.”

Nyoska scowled. He said it as if were an answer to a question, but the princess hadn’t asked him anything.

“The first matter is a silly one.” With quick movements, the princess undid the ribbon on the box. “I apologize profusely for the anguish this will undoubtedly cause. Your work means so much to you.”

The ribbon fell aside over the folds of her pants, and the princess set the box lid aside against the armrest. Then, from inside, she took out a bright orange slipper and held it out in two hands.

“I lost the other one. Any other pair and I’d let it go—but you designed them expressly for me. Some of my favorites.”

Her father had already stepped forward and taken the shoe from the princess. He was now holding it up into the air, turning it in the light. “One of my favorites as well,” he said, in the “Oh, Nyoska” voice.

The princess clasped her hands together. “Would you make another match? I do understand if you have objections, Master Glarvok, but it would mean so much to me.”

From where Nyoska was, she could only see the back of her father’s head and one of his ears, but it was all too easy to imagine the look on his face as he said, “No two pairs of shoes should be alike.” That voice was the one he used when he caught the cat clawing anything, although the cat only ever ignored him and continued to claw until her mother yelled.

The princess looked down. The copper veil and ribbons glittered in the light again.

“Yet, shoes should be in pairs.” Her father’s voice returned to normal, and Nyoska let out a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding. “But of course I’ll make another, Your Majesty. The greatest shame of all would be for this to go unworn.” He paused. “If I may, the box?”

Again, the princess smiled a wide smile. “I thank you so, Master Glarvok,” she said as she put the ribbon in the box and reset the lid. She held it out to him.

Her father took the box and put it on a side table. He set the shoe on top of it. “It may take me some time. To find the same dyes for the thread.”

Nyoska smiled into her hand. Her father was one of the only shoemakers left in the entire city who still dyed his stitching thread in his shop. Sometimes, she even helped, and her fingers would be blue or red or green for days afterward.

“Take as much time as you need and want. And double pay for the hassle, of course, Master.” She motioned to her driver, who had been standing silently behind her the entire while, and the man handed her a fist-size purse from his pocket. The contents clinked.

“Your Majesty, that’s—”

“No! It’s only fair and you’ll take it.” She held it out to him and jingled it. “It is your art and was my fault, and somewhere in Lady Devaya’s estate there’s now a doubly abandoned shoe. So it’s fair.”

“I thank you, Your Majesty.” Her father bowed and took the purse. He set it down next to the shoebox.

The princess shook her head. “I lost a frightful number of things at a party supposed to be for gaining things back.”

To be continued...'twas the best break available.
Last edited by RacheDrache on Sun Jul 17, 2011 4:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Rachey! Here I am, hopefully your first reviewer of the evening (though, by the time I finish this, I'm not sure I will be).

First of all, I was a bit shocked at the beginning of this to find that it wasn't Zygrei's POV but rather a small girl's - something I assumed wouldn't happen because for the first two segments, it'd been just him, although it was but one chapter. For a moment I was a little worried, wondering how you'd ever manage to pull off such a character with the more sophisticated voice you have. But you won me over. You've done her quite well. (And no, as a matter of fact, there is no real reason for mentioning this other than the fact that you inadvertently surprised me. How about that?)

Okay, so the real first of all; in here, you have a small handful of misspellings and grammar problems, though they're undoubtedly overlooked typos, as you've mentioned this is a first draft. So I'm pretty much just going to ignore them, figuring you can find them your own later, but I thought I'd point them out just to make sure you took notice of them whenever you might edit.

So, as for content/voice/all that jazz, this is pretty impeccable - I pretty much love it. The intial wonder at an imperial carriage at the beginning is not overdone, yet intriguing; somehow you've managed to not only pull off a new voice, but a young one, while both showing her innocence and immaturity (not in the sense that she's immature; I just couldn't find a word offhand for child-like) and yet keeping her from simplistic. You've pulled off amazingly her personality; her shyness, her quietness, her inability to be heard; and you've done it with showing not tellings (something I will always envy you).

My only problems here are that you sometimes make us wonder why she does something. Like here:

When that young woman stepped to the ground and then, of all things, looked in her direction, it was too much for Nyoska to bear. She stumbled to her feet and ran inside the house.


I get now that she was running for cover, too shy to want to stay out any longer; trying to hide from the princess's eyes - but when I first read it, I thought she was running inside so that she might get a closer look; so that she might stand behind her father, or by another window (which she did, but which was not intended), or perhaps just eavesdrop. So I was rather confused when she buried her face in the chair.

Sitting on her ankles, she glared at the buttons binding the chairs padding. She wanted to pluck them out, one by one, but then she saw her father's face, heard the "Oh, Nyoska" that he said whenever she disappointed him.


Is she not supposed to be on that chair? Because she didn't go there to see the carriage, as the next few sentences imply. And also, at this point, her father seems rather disembodied, like she's imagining him; in my mind, he's off in the kitchen or the foyer or something. Don't ask me why. Perhaps adding in his specific movings from one place to another would help.

Why couldn't have the carriage just kept going?


Wait, I'm confused. She wanted to see the carriage, right? So why did she want it to keep going? I'm thinking she should want it to stop so she can look closer, longer at it; why does she wish it away?

Nyoska came to a stop behind the banister pillar.


Didn't "the voices stop her in the hall"? I'd like either a renewal of action before this, or perhaps the voices only made her slow down or hesitate.

Nyoska realized, was not all green after all


When I read this, I read it "was not at all green after all" and so was confused as to how copper could be mistaken as green. I think a lot of the confusion came from the similarities in the words; you repeat "all", and at least it feels to me there's a lot of A's in there. That part could just be me, but I'd change the first "all" to "completely" or a similar word. Although I could just be being paranoid. Who knows.

My last critic is about Ani's speech; it's a little too... formal? No, mature-sounding, for her. I realize that in the last chapter she was tired, had partied, and was most likely drunk, or at least buzzed, but I imagine her younger than how her speech now indicated. Had I read this without first reading the other chapter, I would assume she was twenty at least. Of course, maybe she is, but I pictured her a few years younger than that. I don't know, maybe I'm being difficult, but she just doesn't sound like the same person.

On a final note, however, I do love how her lost shoe's become such a big deal. xD And the way such a simple thing makes it tie the chapters together... just lovely. I can't wait to see where you take this, how you hope to intertwine them.

Also, you should probably ignore about half the praise in this; you're going to get a big head soon, well-deserved or not.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

P.S. You have officially been given my 250th review, granting me a fifth star. Consider yourself blessed. 8)
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Here goes nothing! :P

Like Ultra-v said, the whole POV swap thing caught me off guard a little at first, but I think I got into the swing of things pretty soon. Besides, hey, I like POV changes and junk like that in novels. I didn't notice any grammatical errors or anything. Mind you, I couldn't spot a grammatical mistake it it punched me in the face, then started gnawing at my arm. In general though, I know you're good with the technical stuff, so I doubt you have any problems there anyway. Admittedly, I did have to go through my usual ritual of sometimes reading over some paragraphs to really grasp everything that was happening, but hey, that's just a me issue. As a whole, this is a pretty sweet piece of writing!

As always, your style was wonderful and unique. I'm really impressed because there's an obvious difference between this POV compared to the first two parts, but if I was shown chapter one and this, I'd easily be able to say that it was you who wrote them both. You've created two noticeably different POVs, but stuck to a recognisable style. That probably makes no sense to you, but I can assure you that it's a compliment.

This may actually shock you, but... well, I have a critique. Inorite?!?!

This is something I've noticed now and then in your writing, but it's been something I haven't quite been able to put my finger on before, methinks. Reading this cleared things up a bit though. Basically, I think that you sometimes show too much, and don't tell enough. I know that goes against practically everything we're told to do, but hey, hear me out. Showing is great, duh. It's wonderful when a writer describes the emotions of a person without being literal, and when you read something that creates an idea in your head without the information being shoved down your throat, but sometimes, it can be a bit too much. Sometimes you'll say something without being literal, but as a result, what you were actually trying to imply becomes unclear or too confusing.

Take sitting on a chair, for example. To show this, a writer can easily just say something like: Dave sat on the wooden chair. On the other hand, the writer could show the writer, like, everything without being literal. Dave bent his legs as he lowered himself downwards. With his butt poking out, he landed on the hard object below him as he was supported by its four legs. No offence to the second one, but it's pretty pointless. If you want to describe someone sitting on a chair, that's lovely, but when it comes down to it, it's far easier just to tell it instead of show it.

Now, that's obviously a far more extreme version of what I've noticed in your writing, but it's the same kind of idea. For example, with you, sometimes you'll say what the character is doing, maybe throw in some physical descriptions and one or two thoughts, but you don't exactly make it clear why the character's doing it/how he or she is actually feeling/the reasons behind her or his thoughts e.t.c. Thinking about it, I suppose this ties into what Ultra-v said when she was quoting you. Basically, I sometimes think that you need to not be as afraid about being more literal in what you say.

Err... does any of that make sense?

The only other negative comment is probably just something to do with me. It took me a while to actually realise that this POV was in the one of a little girl. I could tell that it was different from the first chapter, but I didn't catch on straight away that the character being talked about was a young kid. On the other hand, my confusion didn't last too long because I'd pretty much realised who she was after I'd read maybe just over a quarter of this. The reason I don't really want to stress this point though is because I'm being a very stereotypical kid right now. To me, when the MC in a story is a young child, I always think of them as being less intelligent. From this, this girl sounded ten times smarter than me (which admittedly, is a pretty easy thing to be, but still), so her identity was a little shaky at first.

Like I said though, this is more of a me issue. If you feel the need to, you can maybe make the fact that Nyoska is young more clear--at least at the beginning anyway--but I don't think it's something you should worry about too much at all. You showed us her shyness very well though, by the way, so kudos for you because of that.

Ah, well, enough of my blabbering. I'm very impressed with this, my frog loving friend, and it was nice to read something of yours again. Be sure to let me know when you post something next time, m'kay? I'm really bad at searching the forums, you see...

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

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P.S. Paul said his date with Ribbit last night was splendid.
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'Allo, Rachael. So as I just said in Chat, I'm going to nitpick because it's just my routine. I'm sorry. I'll keep them minimal. But otherwise my whole review structure would be messed up. I beg your forgiveness.

I. NITPICKS

Bits and flecks of millet splopped out onto her hands and into her hair,


Bits and flecks? Also, splopped is the greatest word ever.

Since her elder older sister


elder older?

II. OVERALL

I don't have a whole lot to say- this is well written and the type of story I adore. Princesses who actually care about their shoes are my favourites. However, the beginning scenes where Nyoska sees the carriage just seemed puzzling. She gets up without anyone noticing. I'm curious as to where the rest of the family goes while he's having the conversation. Nyoska also acts like a child much younger than eight to my eyes. Maybe that's just her character, but I'd expect her to speak more, to be more inquisitive and just seem... older. But as I say, maybe that's what you're going for and if it is, ignore me. It's the family I'm concerned about- they just seem to vanish.

I can't give any much wider advice right now since I've only read this one part- I'll say more once I've read both parts of the chapter!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



I cannot separate the aesthetic pleasure of seeing a butterfly and the scientific pleasure of knowing what it is.
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