Painted mercenaries

Recently I was cleaning out the cupboard at my office and I found an old tape with the date “17th October 2005” written across it. I didn’t know what was recorded on it, so I popped it into the cassette player to find out. And this is a transcript…
“11:45- It has been over an hour since I last saw any of my team mates, I wonder how many of them are still in the game. (breath) I am behind enemy lines: right now, holed up beneath one of the boys hostel among the bushes. I am waiting for the right moment to make my move. The last comrade of mine I had connection with was Mr. Robertson, he was hit outside the library by a long shot, that very pellet missed my ear by an inch, I am lucky to still be in the game….”
“Wait, I hear someone approaching : two first year students patrolling the area, time to make a move, over.”
… …
“12:05- Found Mr Peters, physics, after painting the sentinels. Peters was scouting perimeter from water tank; also is searching for jacket”
“Sir what is so great about this jacket anyway?”
“Peters, the wearer of the jacket is immune to attack by any sort of weapon the opposition may possess, therefore if we find this jacket, it is like virtually winning the game”
“Who made these rules anyway”
“It was decided at a sit-down between the heads of the students’ team and the heads of the teachers’ team five years ago, and every year it is reviewed before the competition.”
“And what does the winner get?”
“No physical prize, but this battle is held every year for the the glory. We’ve won three times till date, and we are trying to make it a fourth. But apart from that there are awards for the longest surviving man from the losing team and a medal of honor given to a member of the winning team for any selfless act which leads to victory. Nevertheless the medal of honour is not awarded every year, which makes it all the more special.”
“That’s interesting… “
“Peters I think we should start moving.”
“Good idea, sir.”
“Cover me”
In whispers:
“Down the hall.” THWACK THWACK,” Good short Peters, check the cupboards”
“Nothing.”
“Okay, move on.”
“Sir, why can’t we just ask these two where the jacket is?”
“Peters, its rule number 3, no talking to people out of the game, besides I have a rough idea where it is.”
“Whe…?”
“The kitchen.”
“ Sir, I guess we can leave these hostel rooms alone, wouldn’t want to invite more trouble.”
“Your right, Peters, lets move, by the way where is the rest of the team?”
“Whoever’s left is defending our camp.”
“How many?”
“About fifteen.”
“The enemy…?”
“Its close sir.”
“where is our jacket.”
“Apparently Mrs. Sanders took care of it, she said that she had the most perfect place to keep it.”
“I’m guessing it is her cupboard, Is it well manned?”
“It was”
“Hmm…” Thwack.
“Good shot sir… wait… look, there are two men by the kitchen door… hold on, two more are coming out from inside, it’s a guard change! The jacket has to be here.”
“I think so too, got any ideas Peters?”
“Yes sir, I have one paint bomb left, we’ll bomb these two, then shoot whoever comes out”
“Good idea… or… instead, lets shoot these two and the trow the paint bomb inside and hope to God someone gets taken out: the kitchen is quite small, chances are high”
“Aye aye sir, on your command, I choose the one on the right”
“Roger Peters , one… two… three, go go go. “
Thwack Thwack
“Now Peters the bomb.”
KLABOOSCH…..
“Get in.”
…
...
“Clear”
Thwack
“Three were hit by the bomb sir, one shot.”
“Quite a streak of luck are having, aren’t we, Peters”
“We shouldn’t start getting cocky now.”
“Quite right”
…
…
“There is nothing here, sir”
“That makes no sense: why would they all be guarding this area then?”
“Maybe they were hungry.”
“Wait… … The stove! The stove, Peters, perfect place to hide the jacket.”
“I would hide it there if I were them… … Sir… I think I hear two students approaching… yes they are, quickly sir.”
“God damn it, Peters, the thing is here; but this god forsaken thing won’t open.”
“Kick it sir! Quick!”
“God damn it! I’ll try! Aargh! Aargh!”
“Hurry!”
“Aargh, yes it opened, we got it Peters.”
Thwack Thwack Thwack
“Sir, I’m out”
“Well fought Peters, I will not let you down, I’m going to win this for you!”
“Good luck, sir.”
That was one of the best ‘Annual students-versus-teachers paintball war’ I’ve ever played. Naturally, we won that year because Mrs. Sanders’ books proved to be much better safes than those at Fort Knox. Also as captain of the team (and principal of the school), I awarded the Medal of Honor to Mr. Peter Andrews for his daring actions and sacrifice behind enemy lines and signed a bill for repair to damages of a certain stove at the boys hostel.

hi there
For starters, I loved the originality of this piece. Seriously, the angle was completely fantastic. Through the sounds and the voices, you painted a portrait that was full of intrigue and mystery and I loved it. The only thing I felt was - and maybe this is suggestive only of my morbid intrigue, and the fact one of my favourite episodes of a crime drama deals with this in a way - a little disappointment that it was only a paintball tournament. The drama, and the tension and everything you'd been building made me think of The Hunger Games (have you read it? on a tangent, but if you have you'll understand, if not you should read it - it's awesome!) and that maybe this tournament was real, and people died. Sorry about the rambly way of going "MORE DEATH AND HORROR, PLEASE" and it's your story and you are probably thinking "err no - my story." but it was something I wanted to suggest to you.

OK, so basically grammar- and punctuation-wise, you could do some improvements. It seems to be your haste to write this, and not reading it back that seems to be the problem, but whatever, I think you need to proof-read it. I'll give you some examples:

“Peters, the wearer of the jacket is immune to attack by any sort of weapon the opposition may possess, therefore if we find this jacket, it is like virtually winning the game”
“Who made these rules anyway”

So yep, a full stop after "game" and a question mark after "anyway", basic stuff - easy to forget...

“Down the hall.” THWACK THWACK,” Good short Peters, check the cupboards”

I'd punctuate it like this: ""Down the hall." THWACK, THWACK. "Good shot, Peters - check the cupboards."" Again, basic stuff, no real issues

“Your right, Peters, lets move, by the way where is the rest of the team?”

My pet hate on facebook... "your" vs "you're". Please, you're a talented writer - this is easy! And you do this several times, so I'm just checking you know you need an apostrophe in "let's"

As I said, most of your little slips are really easy, simple things. They are completely understandable (although forgivable is another debate... ) so please don't let my emphasising them detract from the skill of your writing. Excellent stuff right there

~*cottonrulz*~

hmm... I like this idea... Yes, I say, I like this idea very much, reminded me of Ender's Game. But, It was a bit hard to follow, which is simple to fix. It was hard to tell who was talking, (but please, keep in it's nameless format) so it might help to put someone with an accent, or if you can, with a certain attitude that diffines them both apart. Or, italicize one of the men. That's my only complaint, keep up the good work!